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Need opinions - Christmas w/ IL question
Hi, I'm a lurker here but I'm curious to get outside opinions on something.
My bf and I have been together for 4 years and this is our first time to fly to visit his family for Christmas holidays. I have an 8 y/o son (Z) and he has no kids. I'm an only child and he has an older sister (J) who has 3 kids - 13, 5 and 4. I was told by his mom that J bought all the kids presents for their stockings so that everyone has the same. Fine, I had bought some things for Z's stocking but will just leave them out.
My real question is in regards to this: J asked me last night how many gifts I had bought for Z as her 5 y/o is a gift counter and all the kids need to have an equal number. I guess being an only child and a parent to an only child I'm not used to this. Is this the norm? Everyone makes sure each kid has the same amount??
Any input is greatly appreciated...
Re: Need opinions - Christmas w/ IL question
My parents always either made sure each of us kids had the same amount or they'd just make sure we knew that the cost was the same ...but this was just with me and my brothers, when we got together with cousins it didn't matter as much although I could see why they wouldn't want you to give Z a ton of gifts if they were giving their kids one or two.
What my IL's do (since they are HUGE gift givers, and they know that the aunt/uncle can't afford to do the same) they don't want to show them up so they simply only give their kids some of their gifts during the time when the extended family gets together and give the rest the next day or after the aunt and uncle leave.
IMO it's pretty normal. My parents always made sure we had the same number of gifts and/ or they spent the same amount on them. I've done the same with my kids, and most of my friends do as well.
I know it's silly, but I would feel bad if I spent more on one child than the other and kids can be incredibly competitive with each other, it's easier to keep things even.
With young kids, I'd say it's common. I think a lot of younger kids are "gift counters," and they WILL call you out if they notice that "Billy has more than me!"
When my sister and I were little and all the way up through the end of high school, my parents always made sure we had the same amount of gifts to open on Christmas. After we got older and out of the house, my mom became more into making sure she spends the same amount of money on us.
This. Your 8 y/o son may be out of that age range, but I could see it being an issue with four or five year olds. You can get a 4 year old a $100 gift, and his or her sibling could get 4 $25 dollar gifts... and the four year old will think the other got more.
Yes, obviously it's normal.
But are you wondering if you have to go along w/ this? Because I'll say - it's one thing if she needs to be even among her kids, but I actually think it's unfair of her to ask you to limit what you give your son because of her kids. You're already keeping his stocking stuffers out!
If you want to go along w/ it and just have another Christmas exchange time where you give your son everything else, that would be a nice thing to do.
BUT if you think your son will be bummed about having to wait, a part of me doesn't see why what you do w/ your child should be impacted by what she does w/ her kids.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This- I came from a family of four children. We each got the same number of presents and often we each got the same present- like we each got a video game to go with the game system that was the 'big present' for all of us. I don't have any kids but do the same thing for my nieces.
An American Girl's Travels
Thanks ladies - you've given me some things to think about. I'm just really not familiar with how this works having never been in this situation. I think I was just really wondering as ECB pointed out since Z would be a "cousin" in all of this how my gift giving to him would be impacted by what J does for her kids. I don't want to be unfair so I thought I would get your opinions on this so I'm not being closed minded.
He still believes in Santa at this point so not sure I can split up his gift receiving to a time other than Christmas morning.
This is kinda were I am at. I have seen it done both ways. But since there are 2 families coming together for the first time I can see where one of the parents want to make sure every kid gets the same amount of presents.
I mean, I have been to a christmas where all the kids got equal number of gifts.... and then one were not all the kids got the same number of gifts. Like onside of my Mother's family did this one year. They 3 kids there. 2 of the children were more known to the family. The other one lived across the country with his parents and they didn't see that often. Well the 2 that lived closer got like 7 presents... the one that lived further got 2. And it was noticeable.... The children were 5, 6, and 8.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Leave the extras at home, then tell him that Santa left some there so he could have a little bit of Xmas in his own home. Or Santa dropped some off at your home so he didn't have to cart it all back on the plane.
Are all of his presents from Santa or are some from Mom as well? I would think it would be more noticable if Santa brought your son a ton of gifts but the other kids only a few especially since they are of Santa believing age as well.
Thought I guess I don't really remember being concerned if other kids got more from Santa then us (we only got one gift each from Santa and it was usually the "best" gift under the tree and almost always unwrapped). So maybe it won't be a problem, but still something to maybe think about.
All Z's presents are already in TN - my bf's folks were here for Thanksgiving and took them back with them since it was easier than shipping them. All of this conversation about gifts is just happening now - after I'd bought everything and sent them on their way. I told his mom to just put out what was fair and anything else we'll just bring back and open here. I'll just say that Santa brought some to both houses. This seems like the easiest and most eqitable thing to do at this point.
Thanks again for all the input...
My sister is 40 and she gets pissy if my mother scores more boxes for me than her. It's not like we both don't benefit from her generosity all year long.
Last year, my mom bought her a blue sweater that my sister liked but was identicle to another she had at home (unfortunately). With sales and coupons the sweater (which at full price was $$pricey) was less than $30, a real steal. So my mom suggested that she give the blue sweater to me - because it would be impossible to get such a great deal post-Christmas in the right size. My mom was going to get my sister a NEW sweater but she still copped a HUGE attitude that my mother would give HER present away. I had nothing to do with the idea and flatly refused when I caught wind of the whole nonsense.
Yes, I said she was forty.
I try to keep them even between my own kids, but if I were traveling somewhere to see extended family I would not dream of asking/telling them to change what they were getting their own kids.
It's one thing if his sister was just trying to get an idea of how much you were bringing so that she could change her own number of gifts if she wanted to keep things kind of even, but for her to expect you to change your plans so that each child has the same number of gifts is just way too demanding. That's assuming we're talking about gifts from you two. I can see where she would want to keep gifts from Santa at about the same number. That's where I would compromise.
I don't think 4/5 is too young to teach them that not everyone's going to get the same number of presents and to be appreciative of the presents they do recieve.