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why do the holidays always bring out family drama?
We spend Thanksgiving with my fiance's father. We spend Christmas Eve (church) and Christmas morning with fiance's mother. We have Christmas dinner with my parents.
Every year my mom has a meltdown that she doesn't get enough time. She lives 40 minutes away (whereas MIL lives 2 hrs away) and sees us once a month. MIL sees us at holidays and events.
We now have SS living with us. I feel the holidays should be focused on him. My mom has not bonded with him and prefers to be called "Mrs Lily's Mom." I'm not going to push but it doesn't make for an overly family-friendly environment.
I was studying for a test and couldn't make it to DN's birthday. After T-day dinner, we drove to MIL's house to have pie and birthday cake with them. Then a cousin was at another house with her new baby, so we went there.
My mistake is that I told her what we were doing on Thanksgiving. I should have just said "we can't make it, thanks." I wish she could just be normal and accept that I now have a larger family.
Anyway, she wouldn't speak to me for over week. Then she sent me a text saying she was ready to talk. I do not have time for this crazy drama.
Re: why do the holidays always bring out family drama?
Since you have your SS full time now, it is RIGHTEOUS that he gets to go to his family for at least Christmas Day.
My suggestion would be to alternate the holidays according to his visitation schedule. The years you have him, you spend Thanksgiving wiht your Family and Christmas Eve with FIL and Christmas Day wtih MIL (or the other way around for logistics sake).
Then on the years that you do not have him, you follow the schedule you have now.
And you ignore your family that take up issues with these changes, to include your Mother.
I have a great mom, but she made a comment about the holidays not meaning as much to my InLaws as to our family, which is not only absurd, since they are traditionalists too, but hurtful to me.
I called her on it just once. I said "When you make hurtful comments or guilt like demands on my time, it makes me less inclined to actually want to work with you in the first place."
But they won't stop being AW if you dont stop feeding them.
To be honest, I think I would be pissed if my child's ILS got more total time just because they got divorced, couldn't or didn't spend holidays together, and so holidays were split three ways, with the ILS getting 2/3 of the holidays. I personally think that divorced couples should get their "half time" split down the middle between them. Why should your parents be penalized for staying married?
That being said, you are right that the holidays should be about your SS, not about the adults. That fact that your mom doesn't want to be considered SS's "family" should be taken into consideration (after all, that is her CHOICE, unlike your ILS divorce!). And the fact that she "stops speaking to you" when she doesn't get her way tells me that maybe you don't spend holidays with her because your ILS are more pleasant to be around!
I would tell her what you posted "mom, I don't have time for your drama. I have a larger family now, and things are different. I hope you can understand and make the most of the time we DO spend together, but if you can't, then expect to see even less of us in the future. It's not about you anymore."
Thanks ladies. As a child, my mother rushed us through my dad's family so that we could go see her family. We spent every holiday rushed and tired. I swore I would not do that to my children.
Wow.....and here my H is practically begging his DD to call my parents "Grandma L and Grandpa B!" But I've told him he can't force her to call them that, because she's not used to it; she's 12 years old and has only known her mom's parents (H's parents passed away long before SD was born) as "grandma and grandpa" so it's kind of strange to all of a sudden start calling someone else by those titles.
Honestly, I think some people just thrive on starting drama to call attention to themselves. I'm so glad my parents understand that I have a whole other family to share the holidays with them now. It works for my sister's ILs because they've become good friends with my parents and when my sister and BIL come down for Thanksgiving, BIL's parents join us for dinner as well (sis and BIL are 4.5 hours away; BIL's parents are 1.5 hours away). At Christmas time BIL's parents go see them one weekend and my parnets will go another weekend since BIL usually has to work.
Luckily mine and H's families are all local. We have a good system worked out for Christmas; we do Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his brothers/sisters/nieces/nephews. Thanksgiving he chooses to spend with mine every year since sis/BIL come down and we don't see them much; I tell him we should see his side for dessert and drinks but he never wants to go. For Easter we rotate between mine and his families for dinner. And we rotate ALL holidays with SD's mom.
I just wanted to say that, even though your mom sees you guys every month or so, that should not take away from her time on the holidays. Holiday time is not equal to non-holiday time, so like PP said, unless there is some other mom-drama, maybe the time should be split a little more evenly between your family and your H family.
And really, 2 hours away isn't far at all. That shouldn't be the only reason you only see the IL's at holidays and special events, ASSuming you'd like to see them more often.
I completely agree with this. It sounds like you were trying to split time equally, so IMO that means you would spend Thanksgiving with one family and Xmas with the other family or something along those lines. If that means that a holiday will have to be split up when it's your ILs turn then so be it. I also agree with PP who pointed out that 2 hours isn't very far. I don't think you should penalize your mom because of this either.
I think your mom sounds like she is being dramatic but you should talk to her and hear what she has to say. I do think it sounds like you have been a little unfair and maybe she has been holding it in and not saying anything to you about it.