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what to do about a family member..
DH has two siblings and older brother and younger sister. Sister is amazing and awesome Brother is awful. We do not get along at all. The number of things he has done and said to me are just overwhelming. Basically he is a really smart guy who never settled down now in his 30s who is ticked all of his friends including his brother have settled down. He has no beef with telling me this every time we see each other including our wedding 4 years ago. Anyways he only comes around at christmas he lives 3000 miles way so it could be worse but what is the best way to deal with this awful behavior when it is only at me. It tends to get ignored because he says if we dont like the way he acts he wont come home for xmas anymore. Honestly who cares he is rotten and brings nothing to the table.
Would love feedback 
Re: what to do about a family member..
Well, ideally, your HUSBAND should be stepping in and saying, "Bro, this is my wife. Knock off the crap and treat her with respect, otherwise stay the hell at home and quit bothering us."
If your husband is just allowing his brother to say this garbage to you, then your marriage is in trouble.
I'm a very sarcastic person, so if it was me, I would just throw blows back at him. Is it mature? Probably not, but the more cunning your responses come, the more he will shutup...or get bored with picking on you.
Only other suggestion would be to just ignore. Dont give him any attention, treat him the way he is acting .... like a little kid. GL
I want to know because either it's idiocy on his part and doesn't warrant a response in the first place, or he's being really rude to you and in order to see HIM, your DH is letting you be treated like crap.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
yea Dh has stepped up and said knock it off and it has continued. Even the grandmother has told him to knock it off. Funny enough his mother wont say anything because they are just terrified if they cross him he will never come home again which is super lame. I am a big fan of standing up for my self so this is very unlike me but its a bizarre circumstance. i really feel like I can say nothing because it will just get me in trouble with the family. He is the golden child of sorts despite being 31 and I am just the DIL.
He says things like Dh is better off without me and really its just nonsense. His issue not ours.the also goes out of his way to make me feel bad. last year buying me a tissue box holder for xmas and buying everyone else very nice pricey gifts.
You may be "just" the DIL, but you are your DH's WIFE and that needs to matter more to him than anything else.
If DH's entire family actually says (through their actions) "He can treat you however he wants" - then your DH needs to say to the family that as long as they actually condone this, the two of you will not spend time around them.
That isn't something I'd pull w/ just the BIL - but if the WHOLE FAMILY actually backs BIL up, then your DH needs to say "this isn't right".
I really have to wonder if someone stands up and says "Not putting up w/ this anymore. If you really want to spend time w/ HIM over time w/ me, then go for it. You let me know after the fact who you would have had a more pleasant time with." if that wouldn't shake his family out of their complacency a bit.
Oh, and I would not be buying his brother any gifts this year!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If he doesn't come back for Christmas - how is that YOUR problem? Your MIL may be unhappy, but she can hop on a plane and visit her darling son for the holidays. It will NOT be your fault if the holidays are "not the same anymore." It is BILs choice to be mean and hateful. Seriously, people know that you are not the problem if you get along with everyone else.
I HOPE that he is not staying in your home. If he plans to, your H needs to call him and tell him he is not welcome in your home until he learns to treat you wel.
As for giving you a poor gift, your H can say to him "Brother, can you give me a gift receipt for my gift? I'm going to take it back and buy something both Wife and I will enjoy," Or your H can say before Christmas "we're all adults - let's stop the gift exchange this year, and only buy for mom and grandma."
Your DH can ALSO threaten to boycott the holidays. "Mom, I realize that you don't want to say anything to brother, but if he keeps up his bad attitude towards my wife, she and I will be spending Christmas with her family. We'll save Thanksgiving (when brother isn't around) for you and grandma, and try to get together the week before Christmas, or after NYs. But I won't put my wife through another year of brother's cr*p."
If he doesn't come back for Christmas - how is that YOUR problem? Your MIL may be unhappy, but she can hop on a plane and visit her darling son for the holidays. It will NOT be your fault if the holidays are "not the same anymore." It is BILs choice to be mean and hateful. Seriously, people know that you are not the problem if you get along with everyone else.
I HOPE that he is not staying in your home. If he plans to, your H needs to call him and tell him he is not welcome in your home until he learns to treat you wel.
As for giving you a poor gift, your H can say to him "Brother, can you give me a gift receipt for my gift? I'm going to take it back and buy something both Wife and I will enjoy," Or your H can say before Christmas "we're all adults - let's stop the gift exchange this year, and only buy for mom and grandma."
Your DH can ALSO threaten to boycott the holidays. "Mom, I realize that you don't want to say anything to brother, but if he keeps up his bad attitude towards my wife, she and I will be spending Christmas with her family. We'll save Thanksgiving (when brother isn't around) for you and grandma, and try to get together the week before Christmas, or after NYs. But I won't put my wife through another year of brother's cr*p."
What I would do this year is talk to do your H about it before hand and make the decision that if/when BIL starts treating you like this that H is to tell him that "this is my wife, you treat her with respect or you lose seeing us (both of us) at all" It should be made 100% clear that you and your h are a team, you put one down you put both down. And if it happens after you say this then you both need to walk out, H can let MIL and FIL know what happened and that his wife will not be disrespected. MIL and FIL can then do what they want and continue putting up with this behavior but you don't need to.
The next time he's in town don't go see him, if he can't agree to respect you then he doesn't deserve it, you can make arrangements to celebrate christmas a different day with h's parents.
When he makes cracks at you, make them right back at him. The family allows him to behave a like a Jack A$$, then you should be able to treat him like the jerk he is. OH and buy him a dog muzzle for christmas. For real, wrap it up and everything.
EDIT: or a ball gag.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
but the two of you can absolutely control yourselves and how you act and respond in these situations. And this is the biggest factor of all (as I've already talked about) - your DH needs to back YOU up.
You say he's blown it off in the past. But more recently he's stepped up and talked to his brother. GOOD. That's a step in the right direction.
But that's not where it ends, and that's what your DH needs to realize. EVERYONE else can treat BIL w/ kid gloves - let them have at it. You all can't control that. But you and your DH can say "We are no longer going to allow brother to treat Kay this way." and basically say what SueBear laid out.
BIL is going to give everyone the ultimatum of "if you dont' like it, I won't come around"? guess what? You (your DH) can too! He can absolutely say "As long as you (mom, sister, whoever) allow BIL to treat someone I care about as less than a part of this family, then we will be choosing to spend our time elsewhere".
Then you DO IT.
But, again, if your DH isn't willing to do this, then you actually have a DH problem. If he puts his family and their feelings before yours, that's the biggest problem of them all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'd laugh in his face and tell him to quit acting jealous. Actually, I would probably be vulgar and tell him he doesn't have to compensate for a small penis by making cracks about marriage. Surely, some desperate woman will one day find him attractive. I'd act like I was giving him hope that his petty ways wouldn't hinder him in his love life.
It'd be no loss to me if he didn't ruin Christmas by staying home.
THIS. ECB hit it on the nose. You are your H's wife, and don't forget it. That means you should mean enough for you H to defend you, no matter the reason or cause.
My FIL is like your BIL. He doesn't have a censor button and feels that marriage is a sham for women to steal from men (Can you imagine what my MIL, his high school sweetheart and wife, feels when he says that?) BUT despite his bad behavior, that just about everyone condones, I have a loving bond with him. Why? Because we ignore his vague remarks, but when he personally attacks me, my H steps in and saying "That may be the way you feel, but it is not the way I feel. And I am happy WITH HER, just the way things are." FIL's reaction? Almost every time it is along the lines of "Well, if that is way it really is, good for you. You two are good for each other, and I can tell you make each other happy... But watch out, (insert long story/advice about how women try to take everything, including your soul and how to deal with it.)"
You can't change people, but you can change how you react to them. In time, if you and your H stay loving and supportive, defending each other against this naysayer, his family will see him for what he is. No matter how revered he is by family, eventually acting this way around all the women will wake up his family to what he really it. I know this because we have a rotten golden apple in my family, and he could only hurt everyone for so long before people start to see him for what he was.
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