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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do you (appropriately) get your MIL to get a life???
I have posted on here before about my MIL (newly divorced) and SIL moving to the city DH and I moved to shortly after us. Long story, but basically they did not have anyone else but us and moved right down the street from us. It's been a year and SIL, who is 23, is doing ok with establishing a social life. We actually hang out with her pretty often. MIL, however, we had to establish boundaries with. She basically told DH that she expected to see us more (when we weren't seeing her at least once a week). He sent her an email about how we have very busy lives and how he hoped when she started working, she would meet people, have other people to hang out with besides us, etc. Well now she is working and has been for 6 months. She has yet to make a single friend and constantly obsesses about her family out-of-state (but she doesn't want to move there because of us) and has nothing to offer a conversation besides tv shows. She is 48 and attractive and we have suggested social groups/sites for newly divorced women and she hasn't done anything. DH is annoyed that every weekend she hangs with SIL (which is better than us!) but she is fine with that and as long as she hangs out with her all the time, she won't pursue any other interests. This wouldn't be so big of a deal if it weren't for the comments that she's made that she can't wait for grandchildren and knowing how over-bearing she is, we know she's just waiting for this day to come and will totally suffocate us. We know we will just need to establish boundaries again, but just feel that if she had ANYTHING else in her life to focus on, it would naturally work itself out and she wouldn't obsess over us. Plus, I have told her it will be some time till she has grandchildren and she still pursues nothing. Anyone else ever have this problem? Or, suggestions???
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Re: How do you (appropriately) get your MIL to get a life???
WEll, right now she's spending a lot of her time w/ SIL. that's not your problem, so let it go.
As for her comments, your DH just needs to say "We'll have kids when we're ready and not a moment sooner". Period, end of story.
Aside from that, right now, in the present, there doesn't seem to be anything else that she's really doing wrong. So what if all she wants to do is talk about what's on TV?
Yes, when you do have kids, you may need to reestablish boundaries, but cross that bridge when you come to it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I get that this is tough - but I would keep doing what you are doing. See her as often as *you* feel comfortable with and keep encouraging her to join a chuch/volunteer/find a meet-up group/book club/take a class etc.
You could gently nudge her in that direction by gifting her "classes". Does she like art or cooking? Maybe she'd like to try a jewelry class? I would just keep dropping ideas at her feet until she bites, i.e. "Hey, I noticed at the library they are starting a book club - do you want to sign up with me (or DH)?" If you start the activity with her, you can always bow out when she gets settled.
Of course, it's possible she's perfectly happy the way she is now and doesn't want any additional social life. You can lead a horse to water and all that but if she isn't thirsty...not much for it other than drawing boundaries!
GL!
Last thought - since she's obsessing over friends left behind can you help her set up skype or video phones to help her keep in touch with them?
My FIL is the same way ... perfectly content just watching TV all day long, rather than finding ways to socialize with other people, and therefore has nothing to talk about. It's frustrating to see.
However, there's really nothing you can do about it. By all means, pass along the information if you come across something she might like (a brochure about education classes, a flyer about a classic movie night at your local theater, a volunteer opportunity at the animal shelter), but I wouldn't push it. She'll go find something to do if she wants to ... she's clearly not interested in being talked into it.
Stand your ground about not letting her guilt you guys into seeing her every day. Because if she were to get used to having you guys running over to her house every time she said she wanted company, then it'd become a habit, and it's hard to break an adult of a habit. Make it clear that you'll see her on a regular schedule, and that you can't just stop by whenever she feels lonely (because she has her own opportunitites for activities and companionship), and stick with it no matter what.
Exactly.