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Vent (Long- Word Vomit)
I don't post often on any board but I need to vent and get this off my chest.
I feel so helpless and I don't know how to fix the situation.
DH and I are up to our eyeballs in debt. We were young and dumb with our first credit card. We are still young but trying with all of our might to get out of debt.
DH works and I stay home with DS. I would love to work and bring in money but realistically me working would cost us more than I would make. We would lose the small amount of assistance we are getting now as well as have to put DS in daycare.
I don't know what else to do to fix our situation. We don't have any frills. We have one phone. We drive FIL's truck. We never go out. I can't tell you the last time we've bought something just for fun for ourselves.
FIL's truck is about to break so we need to buy a new car with no money. Christmas is right around the corner and we don't even have the money to buy our son a gift or two from us.
No matter what we do I feel like we're never going to get out of this hole we're in and it's sucking the life out of me.
We moved away from all of my family and friends two years ago because the cost of living was too high. We moved by FIL and Step-MIL. In two years I have met no one over here and FIL and SMIL work full time.
I'm home all day alone with DS and have nothing to do. I don't have a car or license. The bus runs by our house but I have to cross a Interstate with DS to catch it.
DH works a dead end job and can't get a better one because his mother "home schooled" him. She just handed him the answer key. He has the education of a 7th grader. He is smart in real life situations but not book smart.
In Ohio if you are home schooled the state does not give you a diploma for graduating therefore he can't get a better job. It would take over a year of studding for him to even get his GED.
DH could not be a SAHD he would go crazy.
There are days that I don't even want to get out of bed and I know I'm suffering from depression but I can't even go get help because we don't have insurance.
I hate feeling helpless all the time. DH works long hours so by the time he comes home he just wants to sleep and spend some time with DS but I want to get out of the house.
I'm also struggling with my weight. I used to have a bad ED. It took me years to over come bulimia. I started running and needed to eat to be able to run the times I wanted.
I quit running when we moved and then I got pregnant with DS. I had been feeling fine until the past month. Now, I feel like a whale. None of my clothes fit.
We don't live in a safe enough area for me to feel comfortable to go on a run with DS. We don't have the money to buy a good enough stroller to even take him running with me.
It's a fight every day to eat and not puke. DH doesn't get it.
He's stressed about our financial situation and I'm a good enough
actress that he doesn't think anything is wrong most day.
I feel like a horrible mother and wife most days because I know I'm faking being happy all day. By the end of the day I am exhausted. I have no energy to clean or do anything other than go threw the motions and make sure DS is ok.
I'm sure most of this didn't make sense and TIA if you got this far. I don't know what I'm looking for I just needed to get that out.
Re: Vent (Long- Word Vomit)
Do you have any education?
I think your H needs to get his GED.... he can study for a year... it really isn't that long.
And there are hotlines for people with eating disorders. I would highly suggest that you call them. They can help.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
really what needs to happen is you need to be the one to get a job. assuming you have your diploma at least. regardless of how your H feels about being a SAHD. it's what's best for your family and he can suck it up.
I would work but I do not have my diploma or GED. I am working on getting them but it is hard with DH's work schedule and not having a baby sitter for DS.
DH is studding to get his GED but it's a slow process.
I have talked to the hotlines I know it's not healthy and I haven't had an "episode" but it's a fight everyday. Especially because I know I can hide it. I did for 12 years before I got caught by my coach.
Agreed. He can study for his GED in the meantime, and you can reassess your situation after. For now, you need to do what makes the most sense, he can deal with staying at home.
You should go to MM with your budget and see if they can help you out.
A year from know he could have a GED or you guys can be in the same place you are now. Hmmmmmmmm. Either he makes the steps to get a better job or not.
The internet IS a luxury. I lived without it until my late 20s and I bet many ladies on here could say the same thing. So even though you are seeing all the things you DON'T HAVE you also need to look at the things you DO HAVE.
Now a stay at home mom does have options. Ordinarily I would suggest you take care of a child in your home during weekdays. It would bring in extra money and your child would have someone else to interact with. But you do not need to take care of someone else's child in the state of mind you are in.
You do NOT need to stay in bed all day if you have a child. You just don't! So you need to claw your way out of this funk with your bare hands. Call around to see if you can find free or low cost counseling. Ask your SMIL to come by to help you get started on the cleaning. If you are in a messy unclean house it is NOT going to help you get less depressed. It'll only drain more energy from you to have to look at it.
Your husband may work long hours but unless he doesn't even have one weekend day off, then he needs to help clean and let you have a little time to yourself.
Use the internet to your advantage. See if you can find work online. There are stay at home mom jobs out there online. My friend is a medical coder and her job payed for her training.
Look for your options. Find out if your SMIL or FIL can help you learn to drive in order to get your license.
Whenever I get close to despair I look at my son and think, "Don't wallow. DO SOMETHING. He deserves it!!!!"
I have a number of thoughts.
1. Normally I wouldn't suggest this, but in this situation is there any way you and DH can move back home and live with your parents?
2. I understand your DH is tired, but he needs to take care of your child while you get a part-time job in the evenings and/or on weekends.
3. Both of you need to study for your GED. I know you are busy taking care of your son, but surely there is time each day you could devote to studying. How old are you? If you are 19 or younger, you can take advantage of the Adolescent Parent Support Program at your local YWCA http://www.waynet.org/nonprofit/ywca.htm#aps
4. Contact your local Catholic Charities and/or NAMI chapter for assistance with free or low-cost counseling.
5. You need to stop pretending that everything is okay around your husband. You need to allow him to support you emotionally. That is part of his job as your spouse.
6. You need to get out of the house and interact with other people. Look for a mom's group in your area, and see what activities the YWCA has that you can participate in.
you are in a truly difficult position and its admirable that you recognize that there's a problem. that's the first step towards doing something about it and changing your life.
my suggestion: find a church near-by. one that the bus will take you to (or close to). you'll meet people, so you'll have adult interaction, it's free, and the supports that churches can provide are incredible. they may even be able to help you find (or provide you with) a job that involves free care for your son. plus (and i don't mean to get preachy) but having Christ in your life will really change your life. He forgives ALL sins, and He loves everyone- crazy debt or not. your problems won't disappear overnight, but it makes the journey so much easier to know that someone who loves you unconditionally is looking out for you (which He already is, i hope you know). plus, many churches provide free counseling to those in need.
you'll be in my prayers. you can get through this. take an active role in your own life, and remember that it's for your son and your husband that you're trying to better yourself and your situation.
I work in a public library. Do you have a library card? They are free and you do not need a driver's license to show. They will want proof of your name and address but will accept a lease or a utility bill. At my library, we provide databases that have test help for the GED, SAT, nursing school exams, police officer's exams, etc.
You can use this resource from anywhere you can get on the Internet. You will just need to have the library card first. Now not all libraries have this database but most of them will have something similar. You and your H can study from home, anytime.
It sounds like you are in a really tough place but you are also very articulate and self-aware. Those are very good qualities and will help you in the long run. Things will get better.
I know somewhat of where you are coming from. I suffer from depression and DH and I were in a pretty rough financial situation until lately.
If you want to pm me, maybe I can help with your budget-- I'm pretty crazy about budgeting around our house.
Call your local women's health service. They can help you with all sorts of resources-- including mental health services.
Head to the library-- typically during the day its quieter and lots of times there are things for your LO to do or play with while you work or study.
ETA: If you want to pm me, please give me your e-mail too so I can e-mail you back!
I wanted to come back and say I hope my last post didn't seem like I was minimizing the current difficulties you're having.
I know you have a lot on your plate with a small kid and the depression and the financial worries and the eating disorder. I can relate to being depressed and broke, and I know it seems really overwhelming.
I feel that things will slowly get better for you. Both of you need to work on getting your GED. That will be a good step.Good luck to you. Really try to get some counseling and open up a bit to your H about this.
YOu've gotten excellent advice.
I hope you get out from under soon.
I second libraries -- there are often free programs there; activities for kids as well as adults.
Same goes for your local house of worship. They always have something going on, even if it's *just* a fellowship hour after church services are done.
The 2 of you might also want to look into working with a Literacy Volunteer of America. Reading is everything and a tune up of your reading skills will be beneficial to each of you. It's for free and the volunteers will work with you one on one. Public libraries sponsor LVA tutors.
I also agree that you have gotten great advice. Be sure to use your local resources i.e. churches, libraries, etc.
I saw in your profile that your from IN, do they have Extension offices? I live in MI and there are county extension offices that offer different types of resources. One of the great resources is helping stretch state aid. For instance, if food stamps are received, they will help you shop sufficiently with that money to make sure you get the most out of it.
Also in your profile I read a previous post by you saying that you were watching a friends kids and you weren't sure if you needed to buy the equipment needed (highchairs, food) Are you still watching these kids? If so, is there a way that you could get payment from the mother?
Your major stress factor is money, and like other poster said, go to the money matters board, they might be able to help you with a budget.
But here are some other ideas upfront:
Have you cut cable yet? If you keep internet, you can watch alot of TV on your computer, but can get rid of a pricey cable bill that can free up some money each month. Or buy rabbit ears to get the free signals
Food: Check out Angel Food Ministries to see if there is a location near you that can provide affordable food options to help you save money http://www.angelfoodministries.com/
Jobs: you need to increase your income. Either DH needs to find a better paying job, which would probably mean studying for the GED (dont let the studying aspect scare you off - better to have one more year of money troubles than the rest of your life, because DH wont study) OR you need to take on a job. This might sound like alot on your plate, but could you get a job after DH comes from work, or on weekends, when he isnt working? The extra income could go a long way...
Christmas - Your baby is young. He wont remember if he received any presents this year or not... dont stress on that and worry instead about saving for a car.