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Brother's wedding - WWYD?
My future SIL asked if a I would do a reading at the wedding and I agreed. I'll admit that I agreed because I was so flattered to be included. I've been thinking about it on and off since I accepted the responsibility and I've decided that I want out. I'm not comfortable with public speaking and there will be several hundred guests. I'm also not close to my brother at all, in fact, we have a somewhat contentious relationship. I've only met my future SIL on two occasions. We've never had anything more than brief superficial conversation.
I've drafted a very brief e-mail asking if there's a plan B because I'm not comfortable with public speaking. I've also indicated that I'm grateful for being asked. I'm thisclose to sending it but I want to get some feedback first. WWYD if you were in my shoes? Do you think it's OK to back out considering that there are several more months to the wedding and presumably, ample time to find someone else to do the reading?
ETA
Update: She was very understanding and didn't have a problem with it at all. I'm lucky to be gaining a very laidback SIL. Thanks for the feedback.
Re: Brother's wedding - WWYD?
Why didn't you think of these things before you said yes? Honestly an "Let me think about it" would have been appropriate at the time before you responded yes or no.
With that being said, I think that you should NOT send them an email to discuss this matter. I would call your brother directly to speak to him. I don't understand why you'd be uncomfortable speaking in front a crowd that is largely your own familiy?
I would be over the top "Thanks SO much for asking, it means so much. But in thinking about it - I just don't think I can do it." Then go into the public speaking part and stress that you really want to enjoy their wedding and you feel that if you do this, you'll be too stressed to really take their wedding in OR to do a good job.
Giving her credit, she probably asked more out of a place of wanting to include her FI's family, which is VERY sweet of her.
But this doesn't mean you have to do it, and just be nice about it and hopefully she'll understand.
As far as not being close to your brother, I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. I'm not close at all to my brother. He was an usher in our wedding, though, to appease my parents.
He got engaged briefly a few years ago and between his FI and him wanting to ACT like we have a super close family, I was truly petrified that she was going to ask me to be in the wedding. I didn't want to be - in the slightest.
Thank God that relationship ended, though, and it never became an issue.
I just wanted to say,t hough, that I FULLY understand why (past the public speaking) you don't want to do it!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
What do you mean by reading? Do you mean a tarot card reading? Or reading from a particular book? Or a some kind of speech you wrote?
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As I said in my post, I accepted because I was so flattered. In hindsight, it would have been wiser to think about it before I responded.
Only 10-20% of the guests will be family. The rest will be their friends that I don't know.
It would be song lyrics or a poem of their choosing.
I would personally just suck it up and do the reading. It's only a couple minutes on the wedding day and then it's over. Maybe this is their way of trying to reach out to you.
However, if you really feel the need to decline, I agree that it's best to do it sooner than later, so that they can make other arrangements for the reading. And I agree with Doglove that you should call your brother or FSIL to talk about this, rather than send an e-mail.
I don't think it's an awful thing to bow out if you're really that uncomfortable with it, but honestly I don't fully understand WHY this would be so uncomfortable.
ITA that you should do it as soon as possible.
Although, knowing ahead of time you're not close with your brother and don't like to speak in public, I have to agree that it would've been better to thank FSIL for the gesture but explain to her that you aren't comfortable with speaking in public, and offer some involvement or help in other ways, so you could've avoided this predicament altogether. I asked my cousin to do one and she flat out told me NO. LOL She didn't want to get up there in front of everybody.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
I'm also in the sucking-it-up crowd. Seriously, just get up there and read what they want you to read.
I think failure to do so will cause unneccessary drama. If you do decide to call (not e-mail) them to say no, expect them to be pissed. I know I would be if someone said they would do something and then backed out for a reason they should have thought about before accepting.
I agree with the posters who have said you should honor your commitment and do the reading.
I appreciate that you're not close to your brother, and you have reservations about speaking in front of crowds. But honestly, you agreed to do it and it's not that big a deal to read something preprinted in front of a group. And I say that as someone with communication apprehension, so I know EXACTLY how you fell. With enough mental preparation and practice, it's doable. Heck, I managed to get past mine enough to be a college professor and lecture in front of as many as 250 students. A reading at a wedding will last a couple of minutes, and will show that you support your family.
It would be one thing if you'd declined to begin with. But accepting and then backing out doesn't seem right to me no matter how distant your relationship with your brother. Obviously there isn't enough tension/drama there to prevent you from being asked in the first place, so I'd say err on the side of not creating that by now backing out on them.
ETA: I just read your update. It wouldn't have been my choice, but if it's what works best for you, I'm glad that your FSIL was understanding and that things are ok!
I read your post, including your update. You're lucky to have a FSIL who is not only thoughtful, but also considerate!
My rule of thumb would be: if I would do it for a BFF, I would do it for my brother. So, if you could get over your fear of speaking for a sorority sister, you should be able to do it for your brother, given that you had already agreed. But if its too much for ANYONE, then back out.
I actually can't relate to the 'not close to my brother' part, but my son is very shy (not old enough to read at a wedding!). I can see turning down offers for him to be a ring-bearer, etc. in family weddings b/c it would just be horrible for him, and some anxieties you don't outgrow. But in his case, he wouldn't 'be strong' for Aunt Susie but refuse for Aunt Jane.
I agree w/Karen.
OP, I think you're over-thinking this. If you did not feel comfortable with public speaking then the minute SIL asked you, you would've said so & declined. By your justification of now why you don't want to do it - not being close w/BIL, ect - I think there's more going on there BUT, it is just a reading & I don't think a few minutes will kill you. Backing out now, would only make you look bad. Close or not, it is just a reading - partaking in the bridal party would be a whole different story.
How long has it been since she asked? And when is the date for their wedding?
And the reason why you don't want to do it, is not because of the relationship you have with them..... it is because you don't like speaking in public.
Don't send the email. If you do decide to decline.... which I would not... (pending how soon the wedding is)... then you need to call and talk to her on the phone about it.
If you are waiting till the last minute to bow out.... then you need to suck it up and do it. You can practice before hand.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.