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Not quite ready, but feeling the pressure
So I'll kick off the new board by bringing up my newest issue. I'm 38 and definitely want to have a child. However my FI is very slow to come to decisions (I don't normally mind this and think it's endearing). I know that we just got married and I'd like to enjoy it a bit without bringing up my ticking clock (we have had discussions in the past, just not too often). But on the other hand I wouldn't mind getting pregnant and I don't want to overwhelm him. I too am a little scared of trying, but I know my opportunities are beginning to be limited.
I have recently gotten off BC but he is definitely pulling out before we have an issue. How do I gently now remind him - it's ok if we should get pregnant. My Doc says it most likely won't even be an issue for months as my system starts to clear out. I just want to get to the "if it happens it happens" stage rather than the "we're trying" stage. We talk about everything under the sun and he really respects and listens to me. But he is younger and probably doesn't feel the rush like I do (some moments, not others). We are financially stable and though no one ever seems completely ready, we're in a good place. This conversation seems very hard now that it is real instead of future-speak. Any one going thru the same thing?
My Little Sweetheart
Re: Not quite ready, but feeling the pressure
Bella - my DH and I are starting to talk about this too. He very much has "Dad" written all over him - yet when it becomes a real possibility it does get scary (for both of us).
I don't know exactly how to help the fears, except if you are the praying type, pray.
You never know what could help... for one woman, her husband started desiring a child after seeing a "Living Nativity" at Christmas and watching the baby who played baby Jesus. In fact, the holidays can be a huge help... couples often start to yearn more for children when they imagine them running around the tree. I also find that whenever I try to force things with my DH, it just gets worse. So I try to speak the truth in love with lots of gentleness.
(one note: remember you can get pregnant even without full intercourse (contact pregnancy) - so just be aware of that!).
I had to chuckle a little at the pulling out thing.... I'm sure it's just such habit for him, ya know? Silly boys.
One thing though, too... it doesn't always take a few months to 'clear out the BCP'. I have two friends who got pregnant the month after they went off BCP. I just stopped taking mine two months ago, due to migraines, and my period is back to normal, full force right away. So just a fair warning on that.
Question though... did you guys really talk about it before the wedding? Or is this going to be at all a surprise for him for you to just say "hey! I'm ready now! Make me a baby"?
Eat.Drink.BeMarried. Blog.
We talked about it in vague terms. More like, I'd love to wait and have a long engagement but realistically we want to have children so we cannot wait forever. So we got engaged sooner rather than later (it still took 4 years). He knows full well that I want to have a child. And he'd be a great dad, he just doesn't know it. He knows when I went off BC (And I know that it could happen from contact and/or any day now and I'm ok with that, my doc was just a little weird about it). He is just very very slow to decide things. Like years. We both know I don't have years and have discussed it prior to engagement. It's just not a convo I want to have while in bed in the moment - you know? It seems difficult to bring up so fast after the wedding because we are literally just getting used to our "normal" together. I care deeply that he feels ready, but the thing is - is anyone ever really ready?
I think that I am just a bit annoyed (not really the right word), maybe disappointed about the whole pulling out thing.(silly as it is). I thought that after marriage we would feel free to try without trying. I need to figure out how to be okay with this for a while or to really start having these conversations I guess.
I understand what you mean, to an extent. H (!) and I have had some awkward conversations too. I like what you said about it being 'real' instead of 'in the future' that makes it a totally different conversation. We did this with money (combining all bank accounts) and pets (he wants another dog NOW, because I said 'maybe after the wedding' at some point... apparently) and buying a house.
The flip side is that it COULD take while to have kids. I have completely healthy friends who took over a year to get pregnant. I'd definitely bring it up right away. If nothing else as a "hey, can we start this conversation?" kind of approach. So it's out there as a 'real' conversation instead of a 'in the future' conversation.
FWIW, H can't wait to have kids, because we both hate condoms. ha
Eat.Drink.BeMarried. Blog.
We are trying right now because I'm soon to be 32 and I don't want to wait any longer. H is 2 years younger.
I think you definitley need to be on the same page. You need to talk to him and be sure that he wants to have a child as much as you do, because at your age it could take some medical help. The sooner you start trying the sooner you will know whether or not there are issues.
I suggest you start charting with the Taking Charge of Your Fertility Book, so you can tell if you are actually ovulating or if there are any issues with your cycle before you start trying. You can also use the method to avoid pregnancy for as long as you need to.
I hear you...I'm 27 and I'm aching for a baby. H is 25 and...would like to wait a little while. He's asked for six months, and I've told him that's fine. We do want to wait just a little bit to get used to being married before we jump into babymaking...also, we're living in a teeny-tiny apartment and we don't have the ROOM for a baby right now. But I still feel like there's something missing, you know? Now that we "can" have a baby, it's like...why aren't we?
Books read in 2012: 21/50
Although H and I discussed wanting a baby before the wedding and could not wait to have one, we still had not discussed what we would do in the case that either of us were infertile or could not conceive for some reason. While I know it doesn't seem like much of a serious conversation, it was very important to me.
I also had to inform H that it was okay to just enjoy making love instead of having nerves, cautions, and cares... aka, no condoms, birth control, or pulling out. It took him a little bit to get used to, but sometimes guys just need to hear you say it to them and they don't really take hints well. Try just sitting down and watching TV one night to tell him.
Eat.Drink.BeMarried. Blog.
I definitely hear where everyone's coming from. H and I are in a weird limbo right now, but our situation is a little different.
I have a 10 year old son (born when I was 19) and so I always figured, if I had more kids, they wouldn't be spaced out that far. I had been a young single mom for so long (and I put myself through college, grad school, and worked the whole time) that the idea of having a new baby when my son is 13, 14, or even older and starting all over is very tiring for me! H definitely wants more kids and I don't think I'm necessarily opposed, but I just don't want them spaced out any further than they already are. But the fact of the matter is, we want to be in a better place financially, and we'd rather have kids when we live in SC near his folks (his mother is retired and watches our nephew, and my mom will be retiring in a year and a half and moving to SC with us when we go, so both grandmas could watch the baby if and when I decided to go back to work). But then my son would be 13 when the baby is born! *sigh* I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to hurry up and TTC, but the rest of me wants to say forget it and just not do it at all. It's been a real struggle I wasn't really expecting to hit me so hard after we got married.
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