Family Matters
adelee_1
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Buying Christmas Gifts for the In-Laws.
Let me just say i love my in-laws but it is hard to buy them gifts. I ask my H to help and he just looks at me with a blank stare. I take care of my family with little to no input from him. Its easy for me because A.) i know what they expect and B.) because they would be truly happy with anything even a homemade platter of cookies. C.) because i have been buying them gifts for twenty plus years. My H and I have been married for almost two years and have been together for almost five. This will be our fifth Christmas together. our fourth that we're spending together with our families. The first he was overseas. I have been taking care of buying both our families gifts all years but this year i am drawing a blank. His parents go all out for us and i just dont feel right giving them each one gift. He are just starting out and don't have a lot of money. I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to get him to contribute ideas.
Re: Buying Christmas Gifts for the In-Laws.
You mean how can you get the leopard to change its spots? You can't. You admit he's always been this way; why on earth would he change when he knows you'll just do all the shopping and he has to do nothing? He's got a sweet deal going.
What you should have done from the start was say you're responsible for your family's gifts and he's responsible for his family's gifts, period. If that means his family gets nothing because he didn't shop, or they all get ice scrapers and fuzzy dice from the 7-11, well, that's on him, not you.
Sorry, but there aren't any magic words that "get" him to be more involved.
Repeat this to your H:
"I am happy to do the shopping for your family's Christmas presents. Before Wednesday at noon* I need a list from you of what you want me to buy for each person."
*Insert your own deadline here
If you do not have the list by that time, no presents will be purchased by you. After that deadline it is all on him. If that means his family gets no presents on Christmas day, so be it.
Oh Christmas shopping! My husband and I jsut did this toady and I wound up feeling a bit upset.
I have been at him for the past few weeks asking for gift ideas for his family. He wouldn't ask them what they wanted and would just say that they are hard to shop for, which they are. His parents are financially well off and as a result have expensive taste and have everything they want already. My parents are the opposite: are easy to shop for appreciate anything we get them.
He finally called his mother while we were wandering aimlessly around the crowded mall today. His mother gave him suggestons and off we went. We ended up spending almost as much on his mother as we did on both of my parents and double on one of his sisters what we spent on my sister. His poor father got almost nothing in comparison to his mother. My husband doesn't think that we need to spend the same amount on each person. We buy them what they want and if it costs more than what we spent on someone else oh well. He said at the beginning of our shopping that we should control the budget this year and I agreed. Then he went and spent twice as much on his mother as I was planning, in addition to a large Christmas decoration that I had already made for her.
Growing up my family has always spent the same amount on gifts for everyone. My grand mother was notorious for buying extra gifts for us right up until Christmas Eve if she realized she had spent more on one grand daughter than the others. I don't know how to bring it up that I don't agree with his approach to gift giving without sounding like I just don't want to spend money on his family.
Sweet lord, your post pretty much is a post in its own right.
You don't know how to bring it up? You bring it up like this, "H, we agreed that we were going to stick to a budget of $X this year. If you buy this for your mother, we will only have $Y left, which means everybody else is going to get a new toothbrush, or a pair of socks. Is that what you want to do?" And then let him decide.
If his mother gets a Waterford bowl and everybody else gets socks, that's HIS issue, and that reflects on HIM. Point it out. "Oh good! I am so glad you like your socks! Andrew did all of the shopping and he really knew you'd love those!"
Set some boundaries with your H sooner rather than later, or you're never going to be able to. And seriously, if you set them (for example, a Christmas shopping budget) you better be willing to enforce it or he will never take you seriously.
Finally, I wonder about the level of communication in general when you're not sure how to bring up a pretty insignificant issue; seriously, this happens only once per year. Your insecurity in bringing it up and your inability to stop him from overspending while you were with him make me think there is a much larger communication issue going on here.
This!
I was very clear with DH at the beginninging of our relationship that I was not going to be the family gift buyer unless he COMPLETELY gave ME TOTAL control.
That meant that at Christmas HIS family got the same thing MY family got.
And I did that for the last two years. Turns out his family did not like the moderaly expensive baskets of munchies and wine or beer that my family got.
So this year he wanted to do something else, but actually expected me to not only SHOP but wrap and ship HIS ideas.
Guess what, I told him no and he ended up doing 90% ot it himself. And our marriage is still intact.
Tell your DH he's in charge of their presents. Or if you're feeling generous you'll pick up the presents if he picks them out. Or order them on amazon.com since it's so easy.
Really if your DH doesn't get his sh*t together to get them a gift it's his problem, not yours.
My DH and I make a spreadsheet during the summer detailing our Christmas expenses (we don't have a lot of money, so we save up a little every week until we have everything by Black Friday and start our shopping then). We have different categories. Parents get one amount (my parents and his parents). Siblings over 18 get one amount. Siblings under 18 get another amount. Friends get another amount. Then we stick to it. There are sometimes compromises. DH has two sisters, he has a semi bad relationship with one, and wanted to buy a camera for the other ($10 over her budget for xmas). So he took the $10 off the other sisters gift and spent it on the sister.
Usually we've gone with the approach of "here's the budget for gifts; you take care of your family and I'll take care of mine." This year, we did 90% of our shopping online, so we sat down together, made up the lists, and I placed the orders. DH is in charge of wrapping.
If he wants you to do the shopping and the choosing, he needs to contribute SOMETHING -- even just calling his family up and asking, "Hey, what would you like for Christmas this year?"
Otherwise, it's $20 Amex cards all around. If he's not willing to expend time, effort, and energy to pick out the perfect gifts for his family, why should you bust your rear end to do so?
My inlaws are hard to shop for as well because they really do have everything thing they need. Also, like you inlaws, mine are very financially well off and like to go all out for Christmas gifts. We're not poor, but we are certainly less able to spend then my inlaws.
We buy them things that do instead of items and look for those events that "last the whole year" like memberships to local museums they like or movie gift cards. This year we are giving them a membership to the local zoo and rainforest. They both love the zoo and the rainforest part is wonderful in the winter - warm, lush, and otherwise not the Midwestern winter weather we experience. It costs about $40 for the two of them - so not a huge financial cost, but they can use it all year long.
The way I get my husband to be involved is to already have an idea - like this year it was museum memberships - and then solicit his ideas as to which museum. That way we are not starting from scratch and he is involved in the gift selection. For his sister I just get the gift myself, he is kind of clueless as to what she likes or would use.
My in-laws aren't easy to shop for, but for some reason DH thinks they are. I keep a list of what we're going to get people, but I don't put anything down for his side of the family. His theory is that we can just walk around the mall until inspiration strikes. Yeah, that doesn't fly with me. I have no problem buying the gifts, but since I really do believe that it's the thought that counts, I won't come up with them. I do tell him this clearly, but I think he has yearly amnesia. My mom said my dad was like this when they first got married, but after several years he started to remember! So there's hope, just don't let him walk all over you. His family gifts require his input. Period.