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BIL and family gatherings
My BIL attends holiday family gatherings at my parents house with my husband and I and our 3 small children and then spends the night with us (while we're still at my parents' and when we return home - he lives out of state) for the remainder of the time.
This wouldn't be a problem as my family welcomes him, however, when he comes, he sleeps the majority of the time. Also, we feel he may be coming out of a feelings stemming from loyalty and obligation. Now he thinks he should be invited to EVERY family gathering or he is offended.
I am sadly starting to resent him for joining us because I feel like he comes between time my husband and I have with my extended family. Then I start to feel guilty. I don't want to come between my husband and his brother but I don't want to stew either. What should I do?
Re: BIL and family gatherings
What am I missing? Is there a reason why BIL shouldn't be invited to EVERY family gathering?
ETA: Sorry- I thought you were referring to your DH and BIL's family functions- not your own family gatherings. I totally get why he shouldn't expect to be invited to your parents' house for every occasion!
As for sleeping arrangements, he probably prefers to stay with his brother vs. staying with his parents. If I was going home for the holidays, I wouldn't be thrilled about spending it in my old room under my parents' roof again. BUT, maybe he could split his time between their house and your house or spend the entire time at a hotel where he can sleep all he wants. I don't think that this is such a touchy subject that you can't bring it up to him in a non-confrontational way. Just explain your feelings about needing more alone time with your husband and children- that doesn't seem unreasonable so he should totally understand.
ETA: Again, I was basing my previous post on the assumption that you were at your ILs, not your own parents' home. Maybe he can't stay with his parents because they don't live in the same area as your parents but he can still stay at a hotel or at least split his time between staying at your place and staying at a hotel.
An American Girl's Travels
Thanks for the reply. The BIL is my husband's brother. This means he spends time with my parents instead of his own. What I mean by every gathering is he was offended because he wasn't informed of my great aunt's 95th birthday party.
Let him be pissy about it - but his expectations are ridiculous! Your DH just needs to put it out there and put an end to this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I wouldn't say it is "normal" as much as it is unfortunately common for people to pull an attitude for no good reason.
While I find it unexpected and a bit sweet that he has developed a kinship with your family, I find it completely inappropriate that it would result in demands for invitations.
So when people pull this crap, you have to gently put them in their place. And if that doesn't work, harshly put them in their place. It's called setting boundaries.
What you are describing is someone who is setting expectations for you, not with you. And he's being emotionally manipulative to get what he wants. It may simply be that he is lonely but an adult who is lonely cannot assign others to meet their emotional needs. Especially without their permission.
Your DH has to be frank and honest about what you want and can offer to him. If he doesn't like it, then discuss it. You can't keep doing this out of guilt and fear. Get real. And set your boundaries where YOU feel comfortable.
Your H needs to deal with it. Saying something alone the lines of "Dude, these people are MY in-laws, not yours."
I think any more discussion or explanation than that is not necessary, and treats BIL like you need some sort of excuse not to invite him to gatherings.
Also, if he falls asleep at your parents house, your H needs to say "bro, you are a guest in this house - not a member of the family. If you need to sleep, go back to our (dh and your) house. Its rude to sleep at random people's homes."
Also, stop telling him about your family gatherings. Be vague about mother's day plans or other gtgs your family usually has. If he wants to come for a holiday that you'd rather share with just your parents, H and your kids, tell him "sorry, the week of July 18th doesn't work for us - why don't you come over some time in August?" (don't elaborate "we'll be celebrating my dad's birthday, and we want a private party.")
I wouldn't say it is "normal" as much as it is unfortunately common for people to pull an attitude for no good reason.
While I find it unexpected and a bit sweet that he has developed a kinship with your family, I find it completely inappropriate that it would result in demands for invitations.
So when people pull this crap, you have to gently put them in their place. And if that doesn't work, harshly put them in their place. It's called setting boundaries.
What you are describing is someone who is setting expectations for you, not with you. And he's being emotionally manipulative to get what he wants. It may simply be that he is lonely but an adult who is lonely cannot assign others to meet their emotional needs. Especially without their permission.
Your DH has to be frank and honest about what you want and can offer to him. If he doesn't like it, then discuss it. You can't keep doing this out of guilt and fear. Get real. And set your boundaries where YOU feel comfortable.
I agree with this entirely. Do it together though not just DH so he doesn't feel like you are getting his brother on his case.