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Help me help my cousin...
So my cousin is causing a huge stir in the family. She has been engaged for 6 years and they just came back from a trip to Europe....married!
Now, everyone is really upset because she didn't have a wedding. She didn't want one, largely because the guest list would have been about 3 people and she didn't see the point in trying to have a "traditional wedding/reception" with 3 people. Her dad is pretty old fashioned and is actually really mad because his "daughter ran off and had some Vegas ceremony without family like they were hiding" (they got married in Scotland, had their honeymoon traveling to 12 different countries, they have some great photos and it seems like they had a perfect time for the two of them). So my cousin is totally at a loss of how to make peace with the family. Her comment to her dad was "a wedding doesn't make the marriage" and that really didn't help matters.
Does anyone have advice that I can pass on?
Re: Help me help my cousin...
who is "everyone"? You say she didn't want a wedding because only 3 people would be there... so, who are all these people that are upset?
Here's my take- she's 100% in the right to make this decision for herself. Absolutely. However, she needed to do it knowing what the consquences would be.
Getting married is a big deal and people LIKE to see you get married. I'm not surprised her dad is upset. Is she really all that surprised?
I'm not saying she shouldn't have done it. I'm just saying that where it's her right to get married however she wants, it's also her family's right to be upset at not being included.
how to handle it? My advice is to NOT over explain, over defend. she needs to keep it simple, and she needs to acknowledge their feelings. "I know you're upset at not being there. It was a hard decision (even if it wasn't) to make, but this is what felt right for us. I didn't do it to hurt you or exclude you. We just went with what worked for us. I hope you'll be able to understand that.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your cousin is an adult, who has been a member of your family for at least 21 years I am assuming. Surely she knew before she did this that she was going to hurt people, no? Sure, a wedding is about a bride and a groom, but it is also about (IMO) the parents/guardians/families that got you to that point; the people that supported you, encouraged you, and loved you; that helped to form you in to the people you are.
Your cousin disregarded all of those people, as a way to have the wedding that she wanted, and while that's fine (it was after all, her wedding) she cannot just expect those people to STOP being upset with her because she's home with an amazing photo collection.
My advice? She needs to handle this like an adult. "Dad, I am sorry that my actions have hurt you. It was really important to H and me that we had a wedding that was just about us, but I see where you are feeling left out." And then she needs to give him (and everybody else) some time to adjust to this new reality.
People get mad. Happens all the time. She should assess their complaints and see if they are valid. It sounds like she has already done this. Now it's time to acknowledge his feelings and move on.
After she lets some time pass and settle down, she should expect people to stop complaining. They don't have to like what she did, but they do have to stop being jerks about it.
And if this issues boils over and spills into Christmas and the whole holiday season she every right to push back. She shouldn't loose her head, but she is an adult who got married. And no, she didn't run to Vegas, she went to Europe. She didn't kill someone and she shouldn't be treated like a misbehaving child or a felony convict for it. She has a RIGHT to walk away unless/until her dad and the other 2 people treate her kindly again.
Im a little confused as wel. A HUGE family stir? You said her list would only be 3 people? How is that a huge family stir?
Honestly if she didnt care about getting married without them there I can not see why she is so worried about them now.
Thanks everyone. A little background, the three person guest list would have been her mom, her dad, and myself. No one else would have been there, be it by choice or financial dictate. Her husband's family is boycotting their relationship because they think he should still be married to his first wife (they've been divorced for 15 years), long story. However, even those people who wouldn't/couldn't have got to a wedding are now mad because they "ran off" to get married which for some reason makes them think something is "wrong" and that she is "ruining her reputation" (according to my Aunt anyway).
My cousin is 30 years old and her husband is 38. She was aware that her parents might not be real happy with it, but they weren't happy with the idea of a small ceremony with those who could/would attend and having a small dinner or lunch afterward. They were settling for nothing less than a full ceremony, flowers, decor, rented venue, etc followed by a reception including live band, catering, video, photographer, and all....for a total of five people.
They argued about it for about 8 months and then my cousin basically decided to just take matters into her own hands and get married without all of the fuss and arguing.
I agree that it's strange...three people would have come but everyone's angry about it? That makes no sense. I mean, she's not incredibly young. They were together for a long time. What's the big surprise?
Tell her she did the right thing following her heart. It's her wedding day to celebrate as she wishes. They had their day. She needs to be respectful of their feelings and not cause arguments over the subject but it's their problem. Tell her to just give them time to get over it. If they truly love her and want her to be happy, they will.