Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Would you start probing what your ILs want as they age?
My ILs are in their 70s and 80s. I have been curious on what the plan is when they no longer can live by themselves or if something happens to either one (or both). I really want to know because I'll be affected in some way.
I have told DH that I am okay if he wants us to take care of them and let them move in with us at some point. DH says he does not know what they want. I just think he should know but it seems like he doesn't want to talk about it or ask his parents their wishes.
DH is the ILs executor and trustee. But he does not know anything about their wills or anything. He does not even know where to find the documents if something happens.
So WWYD?
Re: Would you start probing what your ILs want as they age?
Whoa....he'd better find out the details...and now!
How can you not know where somebody's will is and not know anything about other prominent and personal details pertaining to an estate, if you're the executor?
He probably won't talk about it because these are his parents and he more or less thinks they're immortal.
The hardest conversation I ever had to have with my dad was about his final wishes and what we were to do under different circumstances. I think TarponMonoxide is right, your DH does not want to think about this because it would mean thinking about his parents dying.
This however is a conversation that needs to happen. Maybe when you are visiting one day you could ask "Hey, in-laws, I know DH is executor of your will and keeps saying he doesn't know where it is. Could you show him?" Maybe try to use that as a conversation starter about what they want.
I was fifteen when my dad died. No one knew where the will was. The one that ended up being executed had been written when I was an infant and included my mother, they were divorced by the time he died. It ended up being a legal PITA and the courts had to decided how to execute the will. It left everything to his "loving wife ______" only she wasn't anymore so they treated it like she was dead. With the exception of my custody.
So while this is a hard painful conversation now, it will only be 100 times worse if they die or become incapacitated and he doesn't know what the plan is. Because of my experience I randomly check with my mom as to where her will is.
My mom's parents were very organized, even had their funeral plans (right down to the obituary) on file with the funeral home they wanted to use. When each one died we just had to call up and tell them to activate the plan. It may sound a bit cold but this way Grandma and Grandpa got what they wanted and it made things easier on the family.
Another thing I just thought of:
Has either one of them got a Living Will? If not, I strongly suggest one for each of them.
That will can be anywhere: in a safety deposit box, somewhere in the house, etc. Does he at least know the name of the attorney that drew up the will?
My gut response to the title of your thread was NO. But that's because I will not be involved in MIL's care, and so to ask would be to imply it is in someway my business.
As you and your DH are planning on being involved in their care in someway, then yes it's reasonable to have a discussion around it.
I'd be inclined to let your DH take the lead on it, but it sounds like he'll need a push from you.
Maybe have a discussion with your DH around; we need to know x, because..., a good time to have this conversation could be at this time, would you like me to be present?
I think the same thing. That's why I'm not sure how to bring up the subject and encourage him to talk to his parents. I have mentioned here and there that he should know what his parents' wishes are, but I have not seem him try.
I probably know more than he does since I've been asking questions when appropriate when talking to his mom. I know some of the contents of the trust.
I may be able to gather more information from his mom, but I really think he needs to talk to his parents with his sister on more specific stuff. It will be good for everyone if there's a plan on what to do if they can no longer live independently, etc.
Regardless of how I feel about my ILs, I still find these things necessary because I know I (and my LO) will be affected in some way. They are my husband's parents and I thank them for being great parents to my wonderful DH.
Absolutely look into this. First, when the unfortunate day arrives, DH is going to need your support, which you can give him more completely if you know where the will is, basically what it says, and what to do. Second, your ILs may be more comfortable talking to you because, although I'm certain you love them, you're less emotionally attached to them than DH is and therefore have the ability to be more rational in these situations. Third, if you're willing to accept them into your home, you can always use that as a starting point; something along the lines of "we love you, we want to take care of you, but we need you to tell us how you want us to take care of you." And fourth, depending on where you live, wills are extremely complicated legal documents and if you can't find/carry out the will, a court could impose an alternative on you that is not at all what they would have wanted. Plus it helps them preserve their dignity.
So, long story short: awkward? Yes. Necessary? Hell yes.
Thanks! I like your recommended approach. Awesome idea. I'll try it next time we visit them.
DH and I have to broach this very subject shortly. DH's parents aren't "old" but they're not in superb health. I have asked DH to complete a health care directive in the event of an injury or illness which results in him not being able to make decisions for himself. We're using that as a jumping off point for his parents (he's an only child so the burden of decisions falls entirely on him).
The conversation will likely be started by "Mom and Dad, Wittyschaffy and I have been working on healthcare directives for ourselves and it got us to thinking about the other people in our lives and what they'd want done to/for them in a situation where they can't decide for themselves. Do you have a healthcare directive yet?" If they say yes, we'd like to take a look at it so that we ensure we understand their wishes (more accurately DH but I get roped in this too). If the answer is no, we'll encourage them to do one.