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Question Re: The Holidays (Poll-like)
Stupid TN posted before I finished typing. *grumble* Edited to finish...
Okay, here are my questions:
(1) Who do you spend Christmas with? Your family, DH's family, Both sides (how?), or Neither (just you two/baby)?
(2) Do you swap major holidays?
(3) Does it "not feel like" the holiday unless you're with YOUR side?
I'm coming at this from an outside perspective. DH's family doesn't celebrate holidays. The fact that we spent Thanksgiving with MIL/SFIL was unheard of. We always spend Christmas with my side.
I keep reading posts from people about how they aren't looking forward to the holidays because they're spending it with their ILs. Is this because of question #3? Do you just really not like your DH's side of the family? How does your DH feel on the years when he's with your side?
I have a friend who says she feels like she only gets Christmas once every two years (because they swap - one year with her family, one with his) and that it just never feels like Christmas if she's not with her side. I am trying really hard to wrap my mind around this, but I just don't get it. I can't tell if it's just because I've never experienced it, or if I just have a different perspective...so I'd love to know how you all feel to try to broaden my understanding.
Re: Question Re: The Holidays (Poll-like)
We swap, so Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other, and then switch the next year. For me it doesn't feel like Christmas with his family. This is in part because I don't like them and being there is always ridiculous, stressful, drama-filled and, oh yeah, ridiculous. Another part is that they don't things the same way. They don't eat the same foods I've had every year at Christmas/Thanksgiving, they open presents at an odd time. SILs are still dressed up in matching clothes to parade around to family (they're 20 and 21). I hate being there in general, so having to be there at such a big holiday is especially horrendous.
DH feels like it's not Christmas with my family, as well, for all of the above reasons except he actually likes my family.
Once we have our own kids, we're going to try to start our own tradition and stay home, but welcome anyone who wants to come to visit us. We'll see how that goes!
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Since our families live 7 hours apart DH and I decided we would swap Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine one year and then swap the next year. For Thanksgiving this works and we only have one Thanksgiving. For Christmas, it doesn't really work because we still go to both places, it just determines where we will be on Christmas Day.
I hate it because for the last 3 years its been rushing around, trying to get one Christmas over with so we could make it to the other one. It's annoying and it makes both of us feel like we got screwed. Part of the problem is that I have siblings who dont have to adjust their schedule and also live far away from my parents and we also have to work around work schedules. Since people get the holidays off, its easier to add a vacation day or 2 to that rather than start with nothing when you have to travel.
This year my brother finally started dating a girl that he's going to go to her parents for Christmas too. (My sister's DH doesnt celebrate with his family so she was no help.) We talked about it at Thanksgiving and decided we would celebrate Christmas with my family this year as would my brother and his gf, then next year, we would all celebrate the weekend before Christmas and then DH and I can do Christmas with his family.
I'm sure there will be new issues with the baby though because we will want to have Christmas at our own house on CHristmas morning so I'm not sure how travel will work in a couple more years.
To me, it doesnt feel like Christmas (I don't care as much about Thanksgiving although I definitely prefer my side because then I get to go shopping) if we spend it at my ILs. The traditions aren't the same, we have to go to church at midnight, they dont open presents until around 2 pm because they like to sleep in (we do it around 7 am and then have a big breakfast). It's just weird. DH likes my families traditions better he says but he still feels like he misses Christmas when he doesnt have it at his parents too.
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We used to swap sides each holiday, now due to 2 major life events this year, (A's birth & FIL's death) we do both sides together. How-MIL had Thanksgiving this year and my mom was invited. I am hosting Christmas where everyone will come to us. I am happy because then we can have our morning together, just the three of us and open gifts and then have the families over.
Like pp's I like the way my family does things. My aunt & uncle live near us and 3 of their daughters take a holiday and we are always invited to celebrate with them. It is what we've done since I was little. We have great homemade food and there are usually about 25 people minimum at a gathering, so it is lots of fun. DH's side is his mom, us, 3 brothers and 1 of those brother's wife and daughter. Sometimes his other brother and sister and her family come in from out of town, but it is rare. So a smaller scale and not the foods I look forward to eating once or twice a year. Plus they open presents later in the day. I like waking up opening presents then having breakfast together.
Now that we have A, I am fine with a smaller scale gathering but I enjoy our family traditions that DH's family doesn't have.
(1) Who do you spend Christmas with? Your family, DH's family, Both sides (how?), or Neither (just you two/baby)?
Usually my family, they live in the area - and his family is from MI, and it's just difficult to travel at times.
I however, had a realization this year. The whole time that I have known my H, he has always been at my house for Christmas, and I never traveled out to MI for this holiday. I feel selfish, becuase my H couldn't be home with his immediate family for the holidays. With the recent passing of my father, and essentially my family falling apart, we are going to MI this year. I think it will be very bittersweet, as this will be my first Christmas without my family, in particular my dad...but at the same time, it will be my H's first Christmas in 6 years that he will be with his family. I am also looking foward to it, becase I like my inlaws!
(2) Do you swap major holidays? No
(3) Does it "not feel like" the holiday unless you're with YOUR side?
No, a Holiday is a Holiday, and it is what you make of it. I will be with loved ones, and am very much looking foward to this Christmas.
(1) Who do you spend Christmas with? Your family, DH's family, Both sides (how?), or Neither (just you two/baby)? Generally, we rotate through who's family we'll be with. His parents are divorced and none of our parents live anywhere near the others, so there is no option of doing more than one set of parents at a time. Its usually something like this: His mom one year, my family the next, his dad the year after that, then my family again. Once we have kids this is subject to change. This year will be our first Christmas with just the two of us.
(2) Do you swap major holidays? Just Christmas.
(3) Does it "not feel like" the holiday unless you're with YOUR side? It used to, but now that I know his family better and am more aware of their traditions, they feel just as much like family. The first couple times were an adjustment, but it was worth it in the end to have things be like they are now. It feels more like the Christmas I grew up with when we're with my side, but its no less Christmas when we're with his family...if that makes any sense.
ETA: I wanted to add that its not uncommon for us to do a "Fake Christmas" with whomever's family we aren't with on the actual day. Not being able to celebrate holidays & bdays on the actual day is par for the course with DH being military, so we've adjusted. Its not so much the specific day that is important to us as it is the sentiment and that people are together.
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(1) Who do you spend Christmas with? Your family, DH's family, Both sides (how?), or Neither (just you two/baby)? Christmas Eve is with my mom's parents who live 15 min. away from us. My grandmother has a prime rib dinner every Christmas Eve that I look forward to all year. We have dinner/presents with them and will go from there to my parents house (30 minutes away) and spend the night, get up and do Christmas morning, breakfast and gifts with my family. Then we pack up, and drive the 1.5 hours to DH's family and spend the majority of Christmas day, that night and the next morning with the ILs.
(2) Do you swap major holidays? No, we see everyone. We went to DH's parents for Thanksgiving and my family came as well. I think once we have our own house, we'll probably host everyone for Thanksgiving. Christmas is split between the family as I explained above.
(3) Does it "not feel like" the holiday unless you're with YOUR side? The only family activity I refuse to miss is my grandmother's Christmas Eve dinner. It definitely wouldn't feel like Christmas if I couldn't go. DH's grandparents have all passed except one grandfather w/ late stage Alzheimer's so he understands that I want to keep the traditions we have with mine - and he doesn't want to miss out on the prime rib either. I do enjoy Christmas day with the ILs though since my MIL puts out lots of little snacks and we basically graze all day while watching The Christmas Story 5+ times and listening to FIL say all the lines from it.
ETA - Old picture I have from Christmas Eve several years ago:
(1) Who do you spend Christmas with? Your family, DH's family, Both sides (how?), or Neither (just you two/baby)? Thanksgiving really doesn't give us enough time to travel (both of our families require plane rides), so we usually spend it here. One year my parents came out, but DH's parents would never do that so if we want to see them (at any time) we go out there. For Christmas, the first year we went to both (flew on Christmas day, that was crazy), the next year I went home by myself for Hannukah and then was here with DH for Christmas and we visited the IL's in January. Last year we went to his parents'.
(2) Do you swap major holidays? We don't really have a set pattern. I think the thinking was we would switch off years (Christmases only, staying here for Thanksgivings), but looking back on what we have done it seems like every time it's my parents' year, we end up visiting the IL's later anyway.
(3) Does it "not feel like" the holiday unless you're with YOUR side? Absolutely. Besides being an only child, DH does not have a lot of aunts, uncles or cousins around. Christmas is always a HUGE family holiday in my family. It's big and bright and colorful. We have tons of traditions like special cookies my mom always makes and watching White Christmas together and going into town to look at the gingerbread house contest at the local inn. Plus, if everyone's going to be there, my uncle writes a Christmas-related play and we all have parts that we read after Christmas dinner. Christmas with DH's family is just so cold and lonely. It's really quiet, MIL doesn't really cook, and it's just the 4 of us.
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(1) Who do you spend Christmas with? Your family, DH's family, Both sides (how?), or Neither (just you two/baby)?
We usually spend Christmas morning with my family and then drive an hour to DH's parents house and have Christmas with them in the evening.
2) Do you swap major holidays?
We used to swap whose house we stayed at Christmas Eve night, but since DH's brother had kids, BIL wants to spend the morning at their house and then drive to his parents at night. His family likes us all to be together, so we end up doing what I described in question 1. For Thanksgiving, we see both families on the same day (lots of eating).
(3) Does it "not feel like" the holiday unless you're with YOUR side?
100% yes. I don't really get along with my ILs or my SIL. Therefore, Christmas is usually spent having passive aggressive insults hurled at me, while the kids are OUT OF CONTROL, because they just want to play with their toys but instead have an insane amount of presents to open. Usually I end up crying at some point and wishing I was with my family. DH actually likes my family more than his, so we tend to spend more time with my family. I know it's selfish, but it's honestly also best for my mental health.
1. This year -neither. We have done the rotation thing, we have tried to spend holidays with both. It didn't work and with Amelia in the picture now, I refuse to even attempt it.
2. We did but DH's family threw hissyfits whenever it wasn't their turn. Since his parents were divorced, there were multiple stops and his BSC grandmother refused to leave her house then screamed at DH because we did not drop everything and rush up to her house 4 hours away. I also told DH that I refuse to count his family as 3 separate stops leaving my family with every 4th holiday. It is not my fault his parents divorced 20 years ago and my family will not suffer because of it.
3. Certain holidays are harder than others. We don't do much for Thanksgiving but Christmas is hard.
As far as some of the reasons for #3, I really don't like his family. I've talked about several of the issues with MIL before and she is no longer a part of our lives. Her BSC mother is no longer a part of our lives after threatening me.
FIL and SMIL are actually great. If it was just them, I would have no issues. DH's grandma harasses us every visit and conversation to make up with MIL despite multiple requests for her to stay out of the matter. She lives in the same small town as MIL and since MIL is sharing her victim story to everyone she sees, DH's grandma feels sorry for her.
BIL is on MIL's side and is telling her when and where we will be at certain locations so she can randomly appear. MIL is beginning to treat him the same way she treated DH for years, BIL doesn't like it and blames me because we are supposed to suck it up and deal with MIL so he can go back to receiving large gifts. Because of his and MIL's actions, we are researching a restraining order against MIL. (Aside from the baptism there was another incident a few weeks ago where BIL tried to trick DH into meeting him for lunch and insisted DH bring Amelia. After DH agreed to meet, BIL let it slip that their mom would be there and DH did not show.)
Sorry so long - we are supposed to go visit his family this weekend and I am not looking forward to it.
1) and 2) We swap Christmas and Thanksgiving. This year we were with my family for Thanksgiving and we will be with his for Christmas. Our first year together we went to my family for Christmas because it is a really Big Deal for my dad. It took him a long time to get used to the idea that I wouldn't always be home. Last year we did Thanksgiving with DH's family (in NE) and Christmas with mine (in VA), but my mother's mother went into the hospital a few days before, so she flew out to CO to be with her dad. So my bro, sis-in-law, dad, DH and I each took charge of one of mom's recipes and she opened her gifts before she left. This year DH's bro is a newlywed and will be spending xmas with his new in-laws, so we discussed having a do-over year and going to my fam again, but ultimately DH wanted to keep the routine, and my mom's cousin organized a big Thanksgiving in CO, so we stayed on schedule.
3) It was weird for me the first few years b/c DH's family has some traditions (the pickle on the tree) and recipes (cucumber salad, beets...) that were unfamiliar, but they are very welcoming, and I've gotten used to it. I call my parents on Christmas Eve, and they call me Christmas afternoon after the gifts are opened. I'm lucky because both families go to church on Christmas Eve (although his family is Lutheran and mine is United Methodist... so some similarities and some differences), both have special Christmas Eve dinners that are mostly appetizers (although the menus are very different), both do big breakfasts before opening gifts, both take turns opening gifts, and watch to see what everybody gets, both eat Christmas dinner around 4pm and have pie later in the evening. Both families usually do Thanksgiving and Christmas with just the immediate family (although we are never sure how many of DH's 4 siblings will be there). If we stay long enough we usually drive to DH's grandparents' on the other side of the state, which my family couldn't do. This year's Thanksgiving in CO was the first time I had a holiday with extended family on my side. My brother has a rougher time because his wife's parents are divorced, and all three sets of parents live in VA, so they have to try to see all of them every year.