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Need Advice
My best childhood friend's father just died yesterday. He had a coronary embolism. They tried to revive him, succeeded, but he was brain dead. They took him off life support.
1 year and 4 months ago when my dad died of colorectal cancer, this friend flew up from MD (her parents paid for her ticket, relevant later) to be there with me.
The facts ...
Visitation is Thursday from 4-7p, funeral is Friday at 1p.
I cannot leave before 2p on Thursday as I organized/am presenting at a meeting for our biggest partner.
Tickets after 2p Thursday until arriving on Friday around 10a are, at a minimum, $600 (thank you holidays), and this is to an airport that is 4 hours away so I'd still have to rent a car, etc.
My mom cannot contribute to the ticket price.
DH does not have a job.
My mom is scheduled to fly into ATL Thursday afternoon at around 2:30p. The airline will not let her change her ticket unless she pays the change fee ($150 since she booked through Travelocity) and the fare difference (about $200).
I pretty much feel like an @$$hole is the truth.
I will say this ... the friends who were there after my dad died after all the crap died down were the ones I remember. I don't remember anything at the funeral. Her best friend will be there with her the day of the funeral. I'm flying to DC next month for a conference and can most likely stay the weekend with her.
Help?
I love my puppy ... and my husband, I swear!
Re: Need Advice
jessica,
i am so sorry. what a crummy situation to be in and to feel so helpless. i know that in this instance if i were in your exact shoes, i likely could not pay to be there if it seriously cost $600 PLUS a rental car. is there really no way you can miss the presentation and have someone else stand in for you? that is what i would try to do.
if that doesnt work, then i would call your friend. if she is really your friend, she will understand. if someone who you really loved called you when your dad died and said "im so sorry, i need to be there with you, but i literally cannot get there. i wish i was with you and i am there in spirit" would you be upset? no, you will focus on staying strong and the friends that are there with you. when you think back after your dad's death, do you think of your friends who couldnt be with you with anger? no, you just think of the friends who could be there with extra love. and your friend will not be angry with you at all, at least, i do not think she will be.
i think if you cannot swing it, call her, and then plan to go see her as soon as you can next month. again, im so sorry that you have to deal with this. and sorry for your friends loss.
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I agree 110% with Shauni.
If there's no way to get out of your presentation and can't afford the flight and car rental then call your friend and tell her what's going on and I'm sure she'll understand. With everything else going on in her life I don't think she'll have time or the energy to hold a grudge against you...I don't know her, but I wouldn't think she'd do that, coming from personal experience (I lost my Dad 9 years ago).
(Sorry...this is long)
That's a really tough one.
First, I would avoid letting yourself feel guilty about not going just because she was there for you. I know that plays a big role and was important to you, but you can't let that alone be your deciding factor. Are you and this friend still really close? How close were you with the family?
Have you tried calling around to airlines and asking about bereavement fares? I'm not sure what the stipulations are for bereavement - if you would have to prove who it was you were flying for or anything, but it may be worth a shot.
Also - have you tried Southwest? They don't post their fares on sites like Travelocity. I've just recently started using Southwest and they have fairly decent prices if you fly from major cities.
How bad does it look on you if you send someone else to present for you on Thursday? If you explained the situation and that this was very unexpected and devastating, would they understand and be okay with sending someone to present in your presentation in your place?
Sorry, I know that's a lot of questions - just trying to get a better idea of the situation...
I know when my dad and my brother died, all I wanted was to be surrounded by people who cared. Looking back, I don't necessarily remember who showed up when - I just know that they were there at some point. I'm sure there will be a lot of people around for the visitation and funeral, but what about after that? It might mean more to her that you're there for a while afterward to take her mind off of things.
I'm sure there will be a lot of people around for the visitation and funeral, but what about after that? It might mean more to her that you're there for a while afterward to take her mind off of things.
That's kind of what I'm thinking too. After my dad died, all I wanted was for everyone to go away but stay around me at the same time ... weirdest feelings ever. Frustrating feelings. She and I have been in constant contact since her dad got in the ambulance, and we're very close. She was the speaker at my wedding. I went on vacation to Florida with her in March (we were there two days and they had to fly home because here grandmother went into hospice ... they are really getting crapped on). That and we come from a small town where she and I are the only ones who have lost their fathers in this age group.
I wish I could send someone else to present on Thursday, but I can't. It's our biggest partner and I am doing the whole thing ... no one else can do it. Checked Southwest ... they're still at $600.
I do have this user conference I'm going to next month ... I remember (and let me know if you had a different experience) that the worst part of all of it was like two weeks after when it seemed like no one cared my dad was gone. So lonely. Everyone moves on without you and the people stop checking in on you ... awful.
I mostly just feel like an @$$hole.
I love my puppy ... and my husband, I swear!
You're right. This right here made me want to cry all over again just thinking about that. My dad passed away 14 years ago and my brother 8 years ago and there are STILL some days that it feels like the world goes on around me and doesn't understand.
I think if there's no other way, you should call your friend - maybe Skype her if you can so that it's more like face-to-face - and let her know how badly you want to be there and that you'll be there as soon as you can. She'll understand, and she'll be happy to have someone around in a few weeks when everyone else has moved on (sounds harsh, but you know...) - to cry with her, and someone who knows what she's going though - to be there for her.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Really. If you really, really can't do it, you just can't. That's one of the parts that really sucks about being an adult, you know? Choices and responsibility suck. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. (((HUGS))) to you, and good thoughts for you and your friend and her family.
So sorry you're going through this and the tough position you're in. Like everyone else, let the friend know you're there for you and will be with her soon enough. Do the extra phone calls/texts/emails and all that to let her know you're thinking about her. GL
rachel, jessica, and jen (and anyone else this pertains to)--
i am so sorry for your losses. i know it has been years for most of you, but i cannot believe that you all lost your fathers (and rachel lost her brother). i can only imagine how awful it would be. my mother had brain cancer twice and i am so fortunate that she is healthy and cancer free now. i always think about how when someone dies, people all seem to care for about 2 weeks, or around the anniversary of the death, but for those who were close to that individual, it is hard all the time.
anyway, just know that i am sitting here crying at my desk thinking about how fortunate i am and for how sorry i am for your losses.
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Now you are making me teary, Shauni!
Make that tearier ...
Thank you to everyone who is weighing in ... I so very much appreciate the advice.
I love my puppy ... and my husband, I swear!
Awwww, thanks Shuani.
Your mom is one lucky lady. She must have an angel on her shoulder. Or reeeally, really good karma. That's an amazing story.
This. DH's mother / my MIL passed away a year ago this month, two days before Christmas. We had an outpouring of love and support for a couple weeks around that time, which was a true blessing, but where is everyone now? Back living their own lives. We're missing her now more than ever because it's bringing back all the bad memories of a year ago.
My advice would be to call your friend and tell her honestly what your situation is. You two seem really close, so I'm sure she'll understand that it's very difficult for you to get there right now. I know you want to be there for her, but you don't need to physically be there to give her support. Send her a card / flowers / a little gift in the mail if you can. Let her know you're thinking of her and how sorry you are not to be there and perhaps start looking at ticket prices for next month when things have calmed down a bit, at work for you and with her family? Next month after everyone else leaves is when she'll need you the most anyway.
I am so sorry for your friend's loss =(.
Tough one.
She's in MD, you're in ATL? I know this is probably not possible, but have you considered driving? It's about a 9 hour drive. I've done it and back in one day before.
You can make your presentation, then leave afterwards. Do shifts with the hubby. Can your mum stay with other family while you are gone?
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I am so sorry. This happened to me recently with one of my BFFs and I simply could not get there. I felt like a d&ck, but there was no way around it - similar situation with an unbreakable work commitment and it being extremely expensive on short notice to travel.
I would call her and lay it out for her, and also stress that she can call you at any time and that you are there for her even though you will not physically be there for the services. Then give her the dates you will be there in January and say how you felt about everyone going on with their lives after your dad died, and you know how bad that felt, and you want to be there for her to let her know he isn't forgotten and that someone out there does understand a little of what she's going through.
I only skimmed the responses, but from what I've read, I agree with PPs. You have legitimate reasons to miss it, and it's not a tit-for-tat thing - if she was in a different state of mind, and you could discuss it with her, she'd tell you not to spend all the money and put your mom out.
I think it will mean a lot more if you visit her later. As others said, it's really tough after all of the friends and family have gone back to their daily routines. You don't want to be begging for pity, but it feels like no one cares anymore. The wake and funeral are usually a huge blur, and while I'm sure she would appreciate your presence, tons of people will be there then and you'll be more needed later on.
Honestly, the deaths that I have experienced, I wanted to be left alone when they were still fresh. All of the people at the funeral, wake, etc were kind of suffocating to me and I felt like I was making fake small talk. Everyone means well, but everyone says the same things and since I wasn't really in the best place mentally, I often found myself thinking I would scream if one more person told me they were so sorry for my loss. I hated the whole thing, and would actually have preferred if less people were around when it was so soon after.