Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
preparing for kids
my husband and i are wanting to start a family within the next year or so, could anyone give us some advice on how to prepare? not for trying to conceive but for preparing mentally and financially...also how to prepare our house to welcome a baby.
we are so excited to get to this point, i am also terrified of what is going to happen to my body and all that comes with that.
thanks so much to all of you!
Re: preparing for kids
I can only tell you what DH and I did to prepare for our Monkey.
First, we started putting every cent that I earned into a savings account the year before we even started TTC. That way we could work on our budget before we HAD to and have a nice cushion just in case.
We made sure to include the baby staples in that budget, even before we concieved. That included diapers, formula (just in case), food and a small clothing allowance.
Anal, I know. But being military, I knew that the odds of us being stationed somewhere that I COULDNT work was pretty high (and here I am in Germany). So we needed to be sure.
Second, once we concieved, we started accumulating our big ticket items over time AND we got 90% of it through Craigslist, Military Sales and friends. As long as the item was not on the recall list and passed our inspection, we went with used.
While I can understand buying some things new, especially if you are going to have more kids, at the same time, that solid wood changing table is not bad because someone else's kid used it for 9 months.
Third, (and somethingn DH and I actually did not do well enough) was to go through our expectations of parenting. I am suggesting this from personal experience!
To CIO or not? Bedshare or not? Who gets up in the mornings on the weekends (DH and I literally had to go to therapy about this issue)? Etc.
Now, many of these views can change when you have your kids, since each baby is different. But its best to be on the same page in the beginning.
So I suggest getting two or three different books on parenting (one Sears for the whole Attachment Parenting thing) and two different books on Sleep Training (Ferber vs <insert any other>) and read them before you have kids. See where you fall on the various issues and compare notes.
I can say this, I was never against CIO, but my DH was adament about having Monkey do it at 3 months. It took me getting the Ferber book and SHOWING HIM that even the leading proponent of CIO says never to do it before 6 months.
Finally, if there is that one dream vacation that you really want to go on, do it before you TTC.
I am blessed to be living in Europe. But my dream was to go to Africa on a 7-10 day safari. That is not going to happen for a very long time now. I cannot leave her for that long (just the logistics and finding a sitter) and she sure enough is not coming with me.
That means its going to be years before I have a chance...and that opens my life up to not being able to go...since no one can predict the future.
Good Luck
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
The particular safari I want to do is pretty much a camping trip, to include no toilets. No matter how well behaved my DD is, I am not taking her into the bush until she is much older.
That sounds like a great trip!
A lot of our friends have taken their young kids on holiday to places like India, Thailand, etc. even our builder is taking his 1 and 3 year old to S.Africa for Christmas.
We plan to do quite a few adventure trips with our girls, but I do understand wanting to wait until they are a little older - at least until you're not carting formula around the world! LOL.
OP - it's hard to "plan for kids" because the old saying is very true - if you waited until you had enough money, a big enough house, etc. to have kids nobody would ever have kids.
We felt we were stable and ready enough to start a family - and ended up with 2 kids by surprise, but have made it work. I think the biggest thing to figure out is child care, if you are going back to work, when and what type of child care do you want/can you afford. We went with a live in nanny because I had to go back to work after 4 weeks, but it works very well for us.
As for our house, as soon as we found out about the twins we spent a small fortune kitting out a full on nursery with paint, decals, a winnie the pooh theme, two cribs, two comfy armchairs to feed them at night, etc. The whole lot.
Well, they are nearly 4 months now and they've never slept in the nursery. They sleep in our room. They share a crib, rather than use their own. The armchairs for feedings have never been used, ever.
And all of the expensive baby clothes that we bought? Maybe we're just lazy parents but they pretty much live in sleep suits - the ones with the feet. Yes, the cheap ones from ASDA, not the cute little jeans, not the cute little socks, not the adorable little Gap clothes - sleep suits.
DH jokes that they will probably be wearing sleep suits on their first day of school.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
1. Check your insurance and find out how much you'll have to pay in deductibles for your prenatal care, delivery,and postnatal care. See, too, how much adding your child to your health insurance will cost. Plan on this for your budgeting purposes. Plan on this cost for the next 18 years or more. For us, it was another 300 a month; so 3600 a year times 18 years.
2. Check to see how much daycare runs in your area; for centers vs private care, and plan your budget both ways. Plan on that for the next five years. For us, for one kid, it was 800 per month, times twelve, was 10800 a year, for five years, per kid (we had two).
3. Figure that diapers and wipes will run about 20 a week; so plan on that thousand dollars out of your budget per year for the next three years. We had two kids, so that was 6000 dollars.
4. Plan for life insurance for you and dh. If you're young and in reasonably good health, it should be cheap; but both of you will need a cushion if something happens to one of you.
They say that each kid runs about 785 a month extra, without daycare expenses, as a general rule, when insurance, medical bills, diapers, food, etc are all factored in. This number will vary for you; but kids are a HUGE financial blow and you should be ready and realistic. It does not just 'work itself out', and good for you for planning like this.
Then start planning for furniture, toys, clothing, food, car seats, etc. This is the cheap stuff, one time purchases. You'll need baby gates, safety devices for the house, little gadgets that help with safety and care.
Oh. If you have not already, get on prenatal vitamins. Your nutritional status prior to pregnancy is more important than during pregnancy,oddly enough, in determining whether your child will have various birth defects; and three months of prenatals prior to conception is all you need to ensure your baby's good start. Tell your dr your plans, so they'll suggest this; and get a full examination, with checks for diabetes/insulin issues, anemia, thyroid problems etc, which can interfere with conception and make pregnancy much harder; get in shape if you can, lose some weight if you need to. Obesity in pregnancy can lead to all kinds of problems with you and the baby during pregnancy and delivery; and since you're timing and planning, you have time to remedy these things if you start now. Get vaccinated for the flu, and for chicken pox and pneumonia; these diseases in pregnancy are much much worse than in regular life and can lead to pregnancy loss.
Read some books on pregnancy , too, to kind of prepare yourselves. But read more on baby care, pregnancy is short, childhood is long, lol.
It's a huge step; and it's fun; and there is no turning back once you're in it; it is not for sissies. Save every penny you can, get yourself as healthy as you can, and have at it.
This is a good point. I'm not american and often forget that you have to pay for medical insurance.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Ilumine gave you excellent advice. What my DH and I did was sort of similar to what she recommends:
1. Save as much money as you can. It gets you used to tightening your belt for the time when you're living on one income or losing a chunk of pay to daycare. And having a savings cushion never hurts you!
2. Talk about your expectations and beliefs about parenting. When you go to the mall or grocery store, observe couples with young (and even older) children and discuss what you notice. Figure out what's important to you when it comes to parenting. Example: H and I long before we TTC decided we would never allow a child having a tantrum in a store to influence us, and that if our future kids ever had a meltdown in a public place, one of us would take the kid to the car while the other finished up, etc. Talking ahead of time helps you when the situations actually occur -- which they will, believe me!
3. Read some pregnancy, infant care, and toddler parenting books. I learned a lot from books, especially Dr. Brazelton's books. This knowledge helped me understand my kids' behavior and not take things personally!
Talk about religious upbringing, too, if that's an issue. Dh and I are of vastly different religious faiths, and we agreed at the outset how to raise the boys.
Finally, if there is that one dream vacation that you really want to go on, do it before you TTC.
These two things, I would also add looking into short term disability through your job. For mine, you had to begin paying into it a year before the baby arrived.
thank you all for commenting, some of these things i have already started working on, like reading parenting books, knowing what to expect with my insurance, and starting saving money like nobody's business...some things a haven't really considered like discussing how to actually raise our children. my husband and i grew up in households with very different views on a lot of things, so it is definitely a good idea to sit down with the hubby to talk it over before being in the situation first hand.
do you girls have any suggestions as to ways to save money? my husband and i both work full time, but we can't really afford to put all of either of our salaries in savings. through my job i do have short term disability that will cover some expenses while i'm on maternity leave, but that will only be for 4 weeks then childcare costs become an issue. money is my biggest issue with starting a family b/c i am nowhere near where i thought i would be financially right now. any money saving suggestions would be wonderful!!
Also, get a will together. Do you want your child to stay in Germany, to go to your parents, his parents, friends, siblings, etc.?
As far as saving money goes, my best advice would be to cut down. If you can, get by on one car (my DH and I do and it's totally doable if you live anywhere with decent transportation, and Europe's probably a good place for that). Try mint.com to see where you're spending all your money and then see which areas could be trimmed - groceries, hair styling, movies, etc. For me at least, if I know where my money actually is going it's a lot easier for me to finagle it so that I'm spending what I should be.
I just wanted to throw my two cents in...
I think you can drive yourself crazy reading parenting books before you are actually in the situation. It is helpful to talk with your DH about parenting styles, your approaches and get on the same page. But remember, once you are pregnant you have almost a year to do a load of reading to prepare. So as long as you and DH have a general idea on your approach now, that is fine.
Secondly, HAVE FUN NOW! Go out at night, take a great vacation, sleep late, go to brunch etc. Babies change everything! It is helpful if you have family around to help babysit but still, you are pinned down so much more with kids. Luckily you love them so much you dont want to leave them often but you still miss the good ol' days sometimes
Yea and the expense. Don't underestimate it. And it goes well beyond a infant years. As the baby gets older there are activities, preschool, clothes, shoes--it seriously adds up. I think my kids get more expensive every year!! However there are many ways to cut expenses and make it work.
Good luck!
It's been said before, but I'll reiterate - talk to your husband about parenting styles. About everything regarding the child. Find compromises where you can (example, my DH doesn't want to cosleep, but agreed to buy a moses basket and keep it in our bedroom for the first couple of months so that baby is at least close to us). Better to know now if there are major philosophical differences.
One thing that I would look at specifically is where each of you fall on the spectrum of "best for baby" vs "convenient for parents". There is no right or wrong answer to this (especially as you take in to account parental sanity), but in my case at least, my DH and I have had radically different perspectives. (example of this: cloth diapering vs disposable diapering. Disposable is MUCH more convenient and less time consuming than cloth diapering, but the babies are also much more prone to rashes. You can take steps to prevent rashes in disposable diapers, but it doesn't always work.)
One other thing that I didn't see mentioned - if your comfortable, talk to your parents and his parents, or at least observe their interactions with your nieces and nephews / inlaws and siblings. Know what kind of expectations they will have for your child. You may or may not follow these expectations, but at least know where you have a potential sticking point (example, we will not baptize our children. We do this with the full knowledge that it will be a Big Problem with at least my father's family). This is especially helpful if they live nearby. How often will they want to see their grandkids? Can they be relied upon to be a regular babysitter? Will they spoil your children or have completely different house rules than you will have? It's good to know this in advance so that you can help the grandparents have accurate expectations of what will happen with this baby.
Of course, get to place physically that you are comfortable with. The healthier, the better.
Read up on pregnancy, the tests done during pregnancy and the medical procedures done during labor/birth. Know what you can refuse to have done, and what the possible benefits of refusal are. Not saying that you have to have a natural childbirth - just that you should be making an informed choice when you ask for that epidural (which includes knowing side effects and which medical procedures an epidural will statistically lead to).
Get financially fit. What we did (since we subscribe to the idea that there is no ideal time to have a kid), was to figure out how much we expected the baby to cost in the first year of it's life. EVERYTHING got included - food, diapers, toys, clothes, insurance, hospital bills, daycare... We included the cost to outfit a nursery as well as maternity clothes, breast pump and such for me. Then we rounded that amount up and added a couple grand to the total. We made sure to have that much put aside before we conceived. The thought is that we will be able to see the child through at least the first year of life if something were to happen to our income. But, we're trying to come in as low as possible on the expenses so that we can actually use that money for child related expenses past that first year. Just know that a lot of things that are "necessary" for babies really aren't. You can usually find low cost alternatives. So as long as you aren't swimming in debt, you can almost always make it work out.
yummymango, i just want to say thank you. you and i seem to have similar thought patterns, and i really appreciate the honesty without being overwhelming! also, i LOVE your idea for preparing financially!!! as i read it my mind said, "why didn't i think of that...GENIOUS!"
we are getting excited to start trying to conceive, and i love getting all the input from everyone here! all different backgrounds, beliefs, incomes, it really is great! thank you all!
Very good point, RockNRoll, about making sure your body can actually get pregnant. My husband and I started ttc over 2 years ago. After much stress, doctors visits, tests, medication, etc we were exhausted! I had just finished a cycle of fertility treatment and were about to do another one when we thought we'd take off to Greece for a long much needed vacation. It was in Greece that I found out I was pregnant. You can imagine the relief. but it took my body ages after birth control to start ovulating. And it wasn't until after Clomid that I was actually ovulating on a regular cycle.
So I definitely recommend getting your cycle going before you get to carried away with the books. Nothing like being ready and thinking that it might not happen for you.
good luck