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Who do you talk to? About what?
I noticed in the 'positive' thread that there were a few people saying they use the daily updates as their dumping ground (my words, no one else's) because they either don't want to vent to anyone else - or don't have anyone else to vent to where they're at.
As I'm sure most on the board know, I don't hide my opinions. If something at work is bothering me, I don't let it build up - I chose a boss (and I do believe you choose your boss) that will let me vent off as long as I'm professional about it. I ask him for 5-10 minutes to hash something out and then I move on. If something in my house or friendships is bothering me - I'm usually a straight to the source person. If you upset me, I will let you know - how depends on whether I want to continue a relationship with you or not. And I can ALWAYS talk to my H about anything - including him. Even if he isn't interested, H has the good grace to listen b/c he knows it makes our day together better. My life isn't all rainbows & puppies either, like someone suggested, but there just aren't that many things that tick me off in a day - I try to let the little crap (bad traffic, hacking co-worker) be what it is - little crap that's out of sight - out of mind before too long.
So in this spirit, when I hear someone say that they don't have anyone to vent to, I have two questions: First, why are you letting that get under your skin? and second, why can't you just talk to the person ticking you off?
When you need to vent, who's your go-to? And why? (other than this board)
Re: Who do you talk to? About what?
This is probably gonna get kinda long....Starting w/ work:
I will preface by saying that I am envious of those having a good enough working relationship w/ any of their bosses/co-workers that they can go straight to the problem and talk it out. At my company, my boss (and he is the only one) has created such a bad environment for that. No one here ever feels comfortable enough to talk to him about anything that's bothering us. It stems from multiple past experiences where we have tried and then get told we are either too sensitive, not working hard enough, we get berated, etc. For example, I had an instance a few years ago where a "friend" of our president who was doing side work around the offices made sexually inappropriate and weight related remarks to me. I went straight to my one and only boss and he blew it off saying "you will laugh at this in a few months you shouldn't be upset about it". I could name an entire sheet of paper full of things like that. He says he wants people to talk to him, but you can't. If you bring something up, whether it be a suggestion on how to improve something we currently do or that we are having difficulty w/ another person here, you can pretty much count on him making you feel like its your fault. When I was diagnosed w/ cancer a few years back, I was very upfront w/ him as soon as it was confirmed so that he would be aware of the possibility of surgery, missing work for treatment, etc. I was so upset; I wasn't looking for a best friend to give me a hug and cry w/ me. His response was: "bummer". When I had to miss some work for my surgery, I was told that I had to be back to work within days or I was facing reprimand. He is extremely non-sympathetic period and things like that suck. Why I am still here? Its paying for my home and tuition. I am the one and only female here and have been for about 90% of my almost 11 years here, so I can't exactly have that commradery (sp?) w/ someone at work.
I keep an extremely small network of friends. I have one friend that I know I can always count on. She is awesome. I've gone running to her when I had a freak out w/ a health scare. I vent about work to her, she does the same w/ me. Sometimes we both vent back and forth about our H's when they drive us nuts, but we still love them in spite of those things. I've been extremely fortunate to have met her and to have become as close as I feel to her. Sappy yes, but she is my BFF whether she knows that or not. I know that she will be there for me if I need her.
My family, not generally a good place to talk to about much of anything. My brother is our resident tattle tale, so if you vent to him about anything, you can bet it will get through the entire family and be so completely opposite of what you originally said. He is just one of those people that likes to "tell on you" and has been since he was a kid. My sister and I are very close and we do have each other. The problem there is that she lives in SC, has 3 kids three and under and is understandably busy. My mom is great, but we just don't see eye to eye on things and no matter what, I end up feeling like whatever happened is my fault (she is just a guilt-tripper and is very good at it, though I love her to death). My stepdad is by far the best. I know that I can always go to him and talk, vent, cry, laugh and he doesn't judge me. Some things, however, you just don't want to talk about with your parents, ya know?
Regardless of what is going on in my life, my H is always there. He is my absolute bestest friend in the world and has been since day one. Yes we don't always agree on things, but we aren't perfect and always find a middle/common ground so we both get what we want. I tell him everything. Things he probably doesn't always want to hear or is tired of hearing, but we have no secrets. From having a health issue to a family quarrel, to loving something or wanting to share something, we have no boundaries. I'm sure he gets sick of hearing my biatching, though. Who wouldn't?
I feel like once I leave this job (hopefully next year depending on how the home selling goes) I will possibly open up some doors to have more opportunities to be more relaxed. Calm. This job is extremely stressful and its walking on eggshells 99% of the time. I'm not saying I won't have problems somewhere else, but I do know that the majority of my griping comes from being here and having to deal with a less than stellar boss/co-worker, and since I have no outlet to share these things w/ here, I turn to the boards.
If you made it through that, you deserve a piece of cake.
I agree with your posts. Now I don't always speak my mind but I think communication is key in all relationships. I always try to talk to people about things. I think there has been a lot of negativity around here lately and I don't think most people are seeing how contagious it is. I've stayed away lately because of it. I also think a lot of people aren't willing to make the sacrafices to get out of what they're in to move on and be happier and they will make excuses until they turn blue in the face. I also think people want the pitty and like to complain.
FWIW this isn't just for people on the boards this is in RL too.
T - I want some cake.
I do have people I can vent to at work, but I'm in the office twice a week if that. My supervisor is great; I meet with her once a week and I vent to her, and then I have a supervision group on Friday that is nothing short of awesome. We all vent to each other like crazy. But that's two days a week. In the meantime, everyone I work with is hard to get on the phone, and the stuff I have to vent about really isn't a big enough deal to warrant a special phone call.
I can talk to H about everything and I don't keep anything from him. Anything I've said about him that bothers me, he's well aware of. He's also going through a lot of crap himself right now and I feel bad unloading on him too much. He's my usual go-to but he needs my support right now more than anything.
I can vent to my mom, too, but that gets a little difficult sometimes. She's very religious and I'm very not, and that's ok, but sometimes I get that "I'm praying for you" and "God has a plan" and etc. from her and I have NOTHING against that, it's just not the most effective support for ME. KWIM?
And I do have a super great friend that I can always unload on, and vice versa. And we do.
Basically, I'm in a position where I am most everyone's support. I don't mind that and I chose it (and obviously I chose my career), but it leads to me (and this is my own neurosis) feeling guilty about venting to others, especially when I know they're going through crap and need my support. I think (and some of this is probably my perception) that people forget that people who are in a supportive profession are just as human as everyone else and need to vent sometimes too.
Long story short, sometimes this board is a safe place, especially when other people are venting. I don't think it's unhealthy to acknowledge that some things get on your nerves, even things that may be small to others. There are things that bother me that others would easily shrug off; there are things I can ignore that would drive most people batty. Why is that? 'Cuz I'm human and I bring my unique personality and experiences to the table.
I couldn't have put this any better.
For me, it just depends on what it is / who it's about. My former boss I could vent to. My new boss I'm still feeling out.
DH is usually good for letting me vent. Or my mom or my sister.
Like my MIL vent the other day (on the CB board). Normally I would vent to my mom or my sis about that, but with everything my family's going thru right now (w/ my dad), I really don't want to dump my emotions on to them and add to their stress in any way.
And I don't like complaining to DH about his mom, because... it's his mom. He's a momma's boy (which is as sweet as it is annoying), and I don't want to come between them. So... I vented here instead.
BTW - I did end up calmly talking to DH re: his mom a few days later
That being said, it usually takes pretty much to get me to the need-to-vent point. Usually.
Although sometimes (like lately) I get in the straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back mode and have to remind myself that just because someone's annoying me isn't a reason to have a breakdown. Ha!
Anyone who will listen
Seriously, it usually ends up being my husband. Sometimes it's a friend, sometimes it's my sister, but usually it's Charlie, because he's always there. I have my blog, too, and that's nice.
Baby GIRL EDD 5.21.13
My Blog | My Chart
2012 Races Heart Half Marathon 3.18.2012 - 1:51:01 (PR)
Flying Pig Marathon 5.6.12 - 3:50:28 (PR)
Leadville Trail Marathon 6.30.12 - 7:32:23 (not a typo)
Esri 5K 7.25.12 - 21:57 (PR)
I think there are some of us who weren't aware that others felt that way. I also can say with a lot of confidence that I'm far from a negative person IRL. I'm pretty well-adjusted and I take a lot of things in stride. I also can say that being a negative, excuse-making person is not true of anyone that I've gotten to know on these boards. Trust me, I'm very sensitive to that type of personality type and I have little patience for it.
Maybe....if people here feel like someone isn't looking at a situation (or life in general) in perspective, why don't you let that person know directly? I think this conversation isn't really getting anywhere productive, and it's the sort of thing that puts people on the defensive and leads to "hey, are they talking about me???" type of thinking.
For real, I know I've been stressed about work a lot lately; maybe I've b!tched about it one too many times for someone's comfort; I'm also very aware that I'm in a high burnout profession and in desperate need of a vacation, which, as you can see, I'm taking soon.
I also try to reiterate that I do love my career, but like everything, it has its definite ups and downs.
I've also been very stressed about work the past few months. Normally this time of year we are very slow which means a lot of catch-up work gets done. This year hasn't been the case. Instead I have been working so much that I'm spending more time there than at home and it does wear on me. Maybe I have complained/b!itched about that too many times but its just that; a b!tch. I'm happy with my life, love the direction its going in and has been going, but sometimes yes I do get frustrated & need an outlet. I'm human.
I can talk to P about anything. The problem is that he's a "fixer." When I just want to vent (about things that aren't related to him), he want's to find a solution to whatever I'm venting about. Although I've explained it multiple times, he doesn't get that I just want to grumble sometimes.
I have an amazing BFF that I talk to about everything too. The problem is that she has a new baby who has some health problems. She has spent the last month in and out of the hospital and is understandably stressed and worried out of her mind. So now when she does have time to talk, it's my job to listen to her and be as positive as possible. The stupid things that I have to vent about are very unimportant right now.
There is only one member of my family that I would even trust with my fish, well enough confide in. Saying that they area train wreck is putting it lightly.
There are a couple of other friends that I consider very close but between my crazy schedule and their insanity, we just don't get to talk that often.
Again, the biggest problem is that I work from home. I can go days at a time and the only other person that I even see is P. I don't have co-workers so my business talk is just that...it's business. Most of the people that I interact with for work, I couldn't even tell you if they were married or single.
In general, I'm a pretty positive person. Other than crazy family issues/expectations , there isn't all that much that gets to me. Just because I post/grumble about it here doesn't mean that it is encompassing my thoughts or life.
And on the flip side of the negativity post, if everything I read here was filled with happiness and joy it just wouldn't feel real. Everything in life is about balance and (for me at least) that's what I see here.