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SIL "Helps" too often
This is going to be relatively vague, so I hope you can get the gist of it.
SIL and I get along really well most of the time, but more often than not she "helps" me in ways that SHE would want - regardless of my feelings toward it. We are VERY similar in lifestyle choices (same college, same career, boys from the same family) so I can see why she tends to confuse me with herself, but at times I feel like I have a boss and not a SIL. She's constantly giving me advice - "Go here, do this program, move here"
For example: She has asked me on numerous occasions to move to a city I don't like to do a program which I only mildly showed interest in *once* that is too expensive for my means (which she knows) - simply because "I think it would be good for you. and you could live near us" Nevermind the fact that I'd have to leave my BF for 7 months to complete the program. This is something she would never do herself, but considers our relationship to be less secure because we're not married. We've been together for over half a decade and will get married soon, but just because I don't have a ring on my finger doesn't mean my relationship isn't as "secure" as yours.
And if I don't take her advice or she feels I'm being too slow to act on it, she will pop up again "hey, have you thought more about *XYZ*" even if in the past I have said "XYZ isn't in my interest categories, but thanks for thinking of me!"
I just don't know how to tell her "Stop butting in to our lives... I want a sister not a boss"
Blech.
Re: SIL "Helps" too often
What do you do now, though? Sounds like you need to start saying "no"/ be more clear w/ her.
She wants you to MOVE to another city for a program you really aren't interested in? "Thanks for the info, but that's not something I'm interested enough in to pursue.".
Your relationship isn't even germane to that specific example! It's simply that you arent' interested in the program.
I may be off base, but I get the sense that you dno't want to say "no" to her. But you're going to need to if you want her to back off. You don't have to be rude, but you need to start being more clear. "Oh, thanks, but we're fine." "Thanks but that's really not an option". "Thanks, but I'm not interested".
Etc.
ETA: Sorry, reread and saw that you said that you will say "Thanks, but no thanks". I still wonder how firm you are. And even if you fele you really are CLEAR, the next time she comes at you, drop the niceties and tell her "You mentioned this before and as I said then, I'm not interested."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
All of this. I also wonder how firm you are being with your no if she keeps pestering you about something you don't want to do. She clearly isn't getting the message that this plan isn't for you. A simple "Thanks for the suggestion, but that's just not going to work for me." and even a follow up, "I've told you my feelings on this subject and I do not wish to discuss it any further" would do just fine.
She sounds like my brother! It's really none of her business, but she really may think she's only being helpful. I would tell her that you aren't interested in X Program and it just doesn't work for you.
If she keeps up, be a little more blunt and say something like "I appreciate your advice, but I've already said I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just drop it. If I need your advice, I'll be sure to ask you about it."
Thanks everyone! You're not saying anything I didn't know already, but its something I needed to hear again.
SIL is very forceful in life. I am not. So anything that she says seems like a personal affront these days. 1st I need to be more forceful and 2nd I need to not take anything too personally (or maybe visa versa!)
Another idea, if you feel she's getting into pushy mode, is to say "I appreciate the thought, but I need some breathing room on this. If I want to know more, I'll come to you. Thanks.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hmmmm...perhaps she is romantically interested in you...
You don't have to be aggressive when you say no. People with gentler personalities tend to think they have to be angry or mean when they say no. You don't. Think like a "Southern Woman" (I apologize for the stereotype, but it works). Firm, secure and polite. When she brings it up again, smile and say "I do so appreciate how much you care, but that program doesn't work for my life. You are a doll to look out for me, but I am happy with the career path I am on."
I would also take a moment privately and reflect on her suggestion (and the myriad of others she has made over the years). Is she seeing something that you aren't? Sometimes when we are in the middle of our own lives, we can't get objective enough to see the big picture. Perhaps having lunch with a mentor can give you a quick career check to make sure you are on the right course. This will give you the security in your decision to be firm with SIL.
I agree with the others - you just need to be more direct.
That being said, leaving your boyfriend for 7 months to pursue higher education would not make your relationship worth less.
dup
the boys from the same family thing makes me think it's her BFs brother's wife which does NOT equal sister in law, it's simply her boyfriends brother's wife.
If she mentions moving again, I'd say "wow, I told you I wasn't really interested. Why are you bringing it up again? Did boyfriend ask you to help him get rid of me?" Say it in a joking, lighthearted way.
The most effective way I say no is by saying "that really doesn't work for ME." Stressing the ME - b/c how can they argue with that?
You can ask her why she thinks the program would be such a good fit. Something along the lines of "I don't think that program is a good fit for me, can you tell me why you think it would be?" Once she tells you, just say "oh, interesting! Thanks for telling me!
I would also not make assumptions on her mindset. You stated she would never leave her H and assumes your relationship isn't as serious. Maybe she would go to that program if she wasn't tied to a mortgage, expected to contribute to a household. She might see you as having the world at your feet, not as "in a disposable relationship."
I would not make career or education choices based on a 7 month old relationship. If you find OMGGuineyPigs she joined a grad program several states away from a new boyfriend (now h) and he followed her.
WhenI said this about how she values her relationship v. mine I was referring to a conversation a little while ago where She had said in the past exactly that. In essence she said that her relationship had more value because they were married.
And its not a 7month old relationship... its 5 years. 7 months is how long the program is.
That being said - i really do appreciate the advice. Thanks