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WWYD?
Family drama sucks. So back when we announced our 1st pregnancy to family, my SIL acted like a total b!tch and responded by saying "oh, wow, really?" that was the extent of her excitement or there lack of. Then she called about 3 weeks after our loss to ask my DH to pick up her son for the weekend but never gave him her condolences for our loss. I felt like she disrespected our baby - I also felt very disrespected as well. Now, considering that her and I are not best friends or friends for that matter, I have done a lot for her kids, and at least expected a congratulations and and I'm sorry from her, at least for my DH (her brother).
So I haven't seen her since last Christmas and will be seeing her on Christmas. I don't want hugs and kisses from her (and she would because she's like that - she'll pretend nothing has happened) because honestly what I want to do is knock her the f*ck out. I asked my DH to email her and say, "hey, considering the mutual dislike between you and Carmen - be civil but there is no need for hugs and kisses." DH refuses and would rather skip Christmas with his family than do that. Am I asking for so much?
Would you go and pretend nothing is wrong and hand out kisses and hugs like you're best of friends?
Angel Baby - 5/22/2010 @ 13 weeks. Always in our hearts.
Re: WWYD?
Tea Time for Lulu
Thanks for the advice. It's really hard for me to forgive her behavior. It was a very painful time in our lives. To me it's a big deal - especially if I go on like nothing is wrong when my grief and pain was so real and still so recent.
oh man, well you know my drama from my MIL and basically, her being fake. So, while I try and limit my time with her, I suck it up during Christmas (only) b/c I am doing this for DH and he wants to spend time with other members of his family.
The fakeness kills me and it drives me bonkers. Its like that elephant in the room. Everyone knows what is going but yet no one talks about it. Sorry about your family drama. It sucks.
After you have the baby, we will go out for drinks and talk about our family drama together.
I'm so sorry for you loss. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to go through something like that. But I have been in some situations with family members (and we're talking blood relatives not even in laws) where I've had to pretend everything was ok for the sake of one thing or another. It's hard, but sometimes it's just easier to do that and then if you need to, bring it up another time.
Tea Time for Lulu
Thank you. I told DH I'm ok with going and saying "hello, how are you" but that's as far as I feel comfortable doing. I just don't want any hugs or kisses because honestly I will not receive them well. I feel really strongly about that. I may just skip Christmas with them.
I know - I hate being fake, it's just not me. If I don't like someone it's pretty black and white...I dont' like them and I'm not going to pretend.
Drinks sound good!
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Thank you B! These are all great ideas. I'm hoping we get there first...I think we got there first last time too. Like I said, I don't mind saying "hello, how are you" I just don't feel the need for all the extra fake stuff.
As of right now DH thinks I should just suck it up and hug and kiss back or we're not going. I'm NOT going to suck it up. This will be interesting.
Thank you Hannah!
Thank you!! We've learned our lesson...believe me. Only 3 of our family members know this time around.
She is just malicious though - even if would have waited, she would have reacted the same way.
I am terribly sorry for your loss, and it makes me mad that you have to deal with people who have no compassion.
But honestly, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, here. I know that the big issue isn't whether or not to hug and/or kiss someone upon greeting them (which is fairly standard, and is not necessarily an indicator of respect or affection), but that you dislike your sister-in-law.
However, this is not the hill you want to die on. Trust me. And don't let your feelings for her and her awful reaction/behaviors color the things you do for her children. They're innocent in all this. (I only bring this up because in your initial post, you mentioned how much you do for them and how ungrateful she is.)
Something much bigger will eventually come up if she continues acting this way, and you'll be entirely justified in cutting her out.
Can you act like you either think you're getting a cold or are just over a cold? I rarely hug kiss people if I know they're sick. Maybe that could help you avoid her?
I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. It's stress that doesn't need to be there.
You have gotten some wonderful advice so far, so I just want to offer my support to you. I hope that you are able to get through the holiday without punching her in the face.
Maybe after the holiday is over would be a better time to have your DH bring up something about the hugging. He could just say "Carmen doesn't really feel comfortable with hugs & kisses right now" or something like that. I also like the suggestion of going to the bathroom or something when she arrives, or going straight there once you arrive to maybe give her a minute to chill.
Good luck!((hugs))
Thank you for the advice. I've decided that I will say hello but that's it. No hugs and kisses, I don't want them and that's that. No one should make me do anything that I don't want to do.
I have always done for her kids and continue to do for her kids. As a matter of fact, they get the best gifts from us and I'm the one buying them. DH doesn't go out shopping for them - he leaves that up to me. This is about her and I, not about her kids. Her oldest son comes and spends the weekend a few times a year and I'm the one preparing meals for him and making sure he is well taken care of while at our house.
There is a lot more to the story, she's done a lot to burn us in the past and I've let it go. This is pretty big to me, considering her attitude toward our unborn child and then toward our loss (I guess if you've never lost a child, it's hard to understand). I guess why it's so difficult for me.
I'm sorry she has exhibited such a lack of sensitivity to you and her brother. That really stinks.
Kissing and hugging aside - why not have a frank conversation with her (either DH or you and DH together) about how hurt you have been by her lack of sympathy and sensitivity? That's really the root of the issue here, not hugs or kisses. I think it'd be better to be honest about your feelings and tackle the big issue, rather than focus on the little immediate issue.
If that's not possible for some reason, I would probably let her hug and kiss me if she wanted but wouldn't really reciprocate (you can let someone hug or kiss you without doing it back). I would limit contact with her throughout the visit as much as possible, and keep any conversation polite but short. If she asks you or your DH what's wrong, then I'd use that as an entry into a conversation about what's really bothering you.
Good luck!