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Newlyweds...sex slump already?
Just to give you a little background: My H and I got married in October of this year, so we've been married a little over 2 months. We were dating for a little over a year before that, and we waited to have sex until our wedding night. I was a virgin, he wasn't. He's 30 years old, I'm 25. The honeymoon was absolutely fantastic and wonderful, but now that we're back to "reality" it feels like his sex drive has gone way down. He rarely ever initiates sex. When we do have sex, we don't have any problems there and it definitely seems like he enjoys it so I'm not sure what the issue is (and I over-analyze everything so of course I tend to think the problem is ME). It just feels like he rarely has the desire to do it. It's started making me feel unattractive - like he doesn't want me intimately the way I want him. I honestly feel like the typical guy in the relationship - I want it all the time, and he doesn't. I'm sure that has something to do with the fact that I was a virgin so this is all "new" to me. Either way, it's a crappy feeling when your husband doesn't ever seem to want to have sex with you (when, before we were married, it was always so hard to wait and not cross the line physically). It's not even so much about the sex for me, it's more about the affection and being intimate and close to him. We've discussed this a few times and I always leave the conversation feeling like we accomplished nothing - no matter how I approach it, he ends up feeling like a bad husband or like he's not meeting my needs. I know part of it has to do with stress from his job (he has a hard time leaving work at work - it's been affecting our home life). He says that sometimes the sex feels forced. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. It feels like we're just stuck in some rut, like we can only ever have sex at night when we're both tired and going to bed - we've never tried to "spice things up" in the middle of the day or anywhere else but the bedroom. I know some of that will come from experience, but I'm just not sure what else I can do to change things. It's like we never really had that "Newlywed" phase - we went on an awesome honeymoon, and then came back to reality and turned into an old boring couple who aren't attracted to each other (even though I AM attracted to him). There's no spice in the relationship. It's causing me to just not care anymore - I used to try to wear cute nightgowns/lingerie to bed, I'd always make sure I shaved my legs, I'd try to flirt with him and make it obvious that I was "in the mood" but nothing seems to help. I know my extreme inexperience doesn't help matters either - I'm just not very confident when it comes to being sexually attractive.
Any and all advice is welcome. I just feel like we're already in this slump and we've only been married 2 months. He's my best friend, I love him unconditionally and we do have very good communication, but I'm starting to get the feeling that this is just how it's always going to be - I'm always going to want it more than he does, and I'm going to continue to feel like he rarely wants me in that way. Help? 
Re: Newlyweds...sex slump already?
sounds like you had stars in your eyes and assumed that all newlyweds have sex 24/7 for a very long time at the beginning of the marriage. so many people have that assumption. but at the end of the day..it isn't how life really works. instead, there are bills to pay, jobs to work, errands to run, things to do. if life were one long HM with nothing to do but sleep & sleep, then yes, 24/7 sex forever would be attainable.
reason #2168786 waiting for marriage can skew one's sense of reality.
continue talking it out with him. but approach it carefully, so as not to bruise his ego (which is easy to bruise). men tend to peak (sexually) prior to their 30's, so that could be playing a role in all of it as well. let him know that simply being affectionate is something that you crave, whether it's a hug or cuddling during the night. also, try not to take it so personally. there is a time when yes, it should be taken personally. but if it's only been a couple of months, you guys haven't exactly had tons of time to "spice things up" and it not work out. 2 months is not all that long. relax, enjoy each other's company and try to set some time aside for the two of you and just see what happens.
i'm sure someone else will have far different advice though, so by no means am i right. it's simply how i choose to approach such a situation.
DH and I also waited till the wedding night, we got married in July. First of all, if he didn't find you attractive he wouldn't initiate sex at all. Even married guys can and will "service" themselves. We're constantly being brainwashed by the media, to believe that sex is the end all, be all in relationships. And if there's not someone trying to bang us every minute of the day, then there must be something wrong with US! How crazy is that! And if we don't have much experience with sex in real life, yeah, we could feel unattractive. I kind of expected sex almost all the time too. Now that we've settled into real life, I have a much more realistic expectations. Now yes, I'm willing to bet that it has slumped off since your honeymoon, most people do. You may in fact have a higher sex drive than your husband. I know I do, an lots of other women on the board do too. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it just means that sex is one of the areas in life that you guys may need to find a compromise for.
If part of it is that he has trouble leaving work at work, ask him if it would help him to talk about work when he gets home, or if he would rather have an hour to himself, to decompress, but then you want him to let work go for the rest of the night. It will be good for him too. Stress can impact sex drive, but also it will be better for his general health.
Quote" It's not even so much about the sex for me, it's more about the affection and being intimate and close to him. We've discussed this a few times and I always leave the conversation feeling like we accomplished nothing - no matter how I approach it, he ends up feeling like a bad husband or like he's not meeting my needs." Unquote
It's a huge turn off for men if his DW is into "affection and being intimate and close to him" . Instead of his DW being full of unquenchable physical passion and wanting wild lustful sex. DW may as well have got a cat or dog instead of a DH.
Like PP's have said, there is a very false belief that EVERY newlywed has crazy sex for months of their "honeymoon" period. The reality is, very few people are like that. What I hear you saying is that you want to feel appreciated/wanted, and that you feel like you need you DH to want to have sex with you frequently to feel that.
Very frequently, sex drive doesn't match up between husband and wife, and it's something that both people have to adapt to in their own ways. Also, stress can play a HUGE part, and this might be what's going on with your husband. Maybe first and foremost you need to figure out what's going on with your husband, before falling into the "it's all my fault" mentality. There may be things going on with him (stress and otherwise) that he needs to get off his chest and/or needs to deal with before he can move on to your needs.
I empathize with you, I have a much higher sex drive than my DH does, and he is only 23. You should read my post, its under the "Trouble in Paradise" board. I apologize that I don't have much advice, because I am going through something similar. My DH also has a very stressful job and he can't just leave work at work. We commute together so in the car on the way home I give him 15-20 minutes to just vent about his job, but then I ask him to leave it at that so we can enjoy 'us' time. Other than that, I wish you all the best, and know that you are not alone.
this is the stupidest thing i have ever heard.
I'm in a similar boat. I got married on 10/10 and although we did have sex before marriage, he was my first partner. He had been sexually active since he was 16, and he's now 24, so he had some years on me.
A few weeks after the HM I concluded that he wasn't as sexually aggressive as he was pre-marriage. We talked about it and he told me everything that was said by ladies on this post. He also said that when he is physically fit and exercises consistently, that he has a higher sex drive.
I've come to terms with it, bc I'm tired after work too. I hardly like taking the dog to pee. LOL.
Here are some reasons for the decline in sex drive:
1. Busy with work and life
2. Out of shape; if this is the case, encourage the establishment of a family workout plan.
3. His mind is consumed with life and being a great husband, he's happy and comfortable and he finally realizes that sex is apart of life not a conquest that he has to roam the streets for.
Maybe we should:
1. Initiate
2. Wait
3. Spice it up
Many times women have the control in the relationship especially when it comes to sex, and the sex pace is set by us. So don't get offended, just go to bed with a thong on and if he doesn't respond take it off and go to sleep. Try try again.
I don't often come on this site, but this post caught my attention. First of all I want to say- to those who commented on the reasons/drawbacks to waiting to have sex to marriage, it's a little too late for that. Plus, each couple can make their own choices. It's not anyone else place to judge. The fact of the matter is what's happening now. You feel he's not meeting your needs- not just physically but emotionally.
I have been married for just over a year now and I remember feeling the exact way you are expressing yourself now. We also waited until marriage. He had had sex before also.
We went to an incredible marriage conference where I really began to gain a healthy perspective.
I want to encourage you, that the first year is tough. You begin to see many expectations, that you did not even realize you had before getting married. And when things fall short of those- there is plenty of room for disappointment. The biggest thing is, communicate your needs and ways that you feel loved. Discuss together a reasonable number to have sex each week- and don't buy into the "honeymoon phase" during the first year when its all about sex. You have never lived together, there is tons you have to learn about each other. And don't think your the only one's who has these troubles- that's an unrealistic view that I also had.
What a man needs most is to be respected. Even when you don't feel loved, or hes not meeting your needs, respect him anyways. When you think "he's not meeting my needs" change your thinking to "how can I better meet his needs". Don't base your attitude and actions based on past or present hurt. We're human, we all fail in our roles as husband and wife.
Feel encouraged- you have a lifetime of heading of you to grow in communication and understanding of each other. Each day is a new day, and room for growth and change!
it took a conference to tell you that? it wasn't already common sense?
and what a MAN needs most is to be respected? yes. but, maybe we could rephrase that to what ANYONE needs is to be respected. while it works in this specific situation, the roles could easily be reversed and it could be the woman who is not satisfying the man in any number of ways, and she would need to be shown some respect regarding the situation as well.
it isn't that some of us think that waiting is a bad idea. it's more that waiting tends to give couples unrealistic views of marriage and what it is going to be like. this is not the first thread to complain about newlywed sex fizzling, and it won't be the last. they crop up every week, same unrealistic expectations, same disappointments. maybe the pre-marriage counseling should begin considering covering these unrealistic ideas, so that more people are well aware of the fact that marriage isn't like in the movies. sex is messy. it doesn't happen 24/7 for X amount of time. and most importantly: MARRIAGE IS TOUGH, whether it is year 1 or year 28. it's a constant compromise. and if you're lucky-there are far more good days than bad days. but the problems evolve and change, so it's a never ending battle, so to speak. or are these topics discussed during the pre-marriage sessions, but there are too many stars in ones eyes to believe it to be truth and would prefer to believe that "it won't happen to US! we're so in love! YIPPEE!"
I understand where you're coming from, but before you get any more upset about it, know that it'll pass! Based on what I've experienced, you're just going through a phase.
I have been married since August of this year, so I'm not the most mature wife (lol) but I've learned a lot in a short time. I have only had sex with my husband and we did several times before we got married. He has been with two other girls (really unhealthy relationships) which was during high school and the infamous hormonal surge. The fact that sex wasn't new to him took a while for me to really understand because I was kind of on a cloud. I was thinking about it all the time because basic stuff was a huge deal to me!
After we got married it did seem to go downhill a bit, and sometimes I got an attitude about it because I thought he was getting bored with me or I was looking gross to him or something. But the truth is, you don't have to have sex every day to be happy! I honestly don't think I would want to anyway!
Also, if you've been wondering if it has to do with any of his previous partners, remember that he married you because he loves you and totally wants to bang you!
If a man truly treasures his wife like he should, he probably isn't going to have crazy monkey sex with her every night.
Sorry if any of that didn't flow too well, but those are my thoughts
And don't worry!
I don't know how to help except to tell you that you're not alone! DH and I dated for 3 1/2 years before getting married 4 months ago and waited until our wedding night. I was a virgin, he wasn't. It was extremely hard waiting. But I'm finding now too that I had expectations I hadn't even realized I had, including about sex. He's my best friend and we have a wonderful relationship, but a lot of the time sex doesn't come naturally. We went to a lot of premarital counseling, we scored extremely highly on premarital counseling indexes, but I think there are just some things you can't understand and absorb about expectations until you actually go through them.
There may be something to the age and testosterone. DH is 32.
For the record, I don't think anyone has a right to tell you that waiting until marriage is a bad idea or gives you "unrealistic expectations". IMO, what you gain by waiting is far better than having unrealistic expectations. But you'll never get to see the other side of the fence and neither will they so they can say whatever they want and think that they are perfectly right. I have never regretted it one day and neither has DH. I think it's something wonderful and sacred that I share with my husband.
Think carcrash is bitter about something.
I won't speak for Carcrashheart, but I know that what makes me cringe is not "respect" (because I respect my husband very much, and he respects me), but the blanket viewpoint that men--and not women--need respect. It's very Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and it's just not an idea to which I subscribe. If it works for you, great, because I think all couples need to find a "system" (so to speak) that works for them, but my husband and I prefer to approach marriage with the goal of fulfilling the other person's individual needs, not the needs someone else has decided we should have.
Anyways, I'm not trying to dissuade you from your Love and Respect philosophy, I just wanted you to know that not everyone objects to to the idea of respecting men because they see it as an antiquated anti-feminist way of life, but rather because many of us object to this pigeon-holing and stereotyping of emotional needs.
When I read your post, I felt like I must have written it, instead of someone else. My husband & I have been married almost 6 months. We had the honeymoon, one more hot & heavy week & then it just stopped. We still have arguments every few weeks because I get tired of waiting for him to come around.
We're conditioned to believe that men want sex 24/7. When we find out our man does not fit into this stereotype, it can be difficult to accept. My husband hates his job, and when he gets home, he's so drained that any libido that he may have had is completely gone. He's struggling with the fact that his life at 30 isn't what he pictured it would be. He isn't getting much exercise, & he's really down about his growing waistline. We wants to work out together, but our schedules don't allow for this often. He's very introverted & needs a lot of alone time to recharge. Only he gets so focused on video games during his alone time that he doesn't notice any subtle advances. If I initiate things in a not so subtle way, he says I'm coming on too strong- that turns him off.
I guess that was a long winded way of saying, I get where you're coming from. I've found that open lines of communication are very needed, but they have to be preceded with something that allows the guy to feel supported. When I get mad & start acting closed off towards him (even though this is my defense mechanism to keep from bringing up the topic, which would just make him feel worse), he doesn't feel supported. He doesn't feel like he can emotionally open up to me. When he doesn't feel he can open up, he feels more depressed & it shuts down his libido even more.
I'm starting to just be more conscious of doing those little things that let him know I'm here for him (get up & make him a simple breakfast before he goes to work, short back rubs, just setting aside time to let him vent w/o me being in the middle of something like cooking dinner). Even though we've always had great communication, this seems to be building our connection- which in turn destresses him & helps his libido.
I do want to add the caveat- if you do try doing extra stuff for him, be sure to not overdo. Otherwise, you'll start feeling like you're doing everything for him & he's not there for you. Then you'll get grumpy towards him & the cycle will start again.
That seems to be helping me, hopefully, this is something you may can tweak to work for you.