Hey, looky what I found!

I have lots of thoughts.

How long had you and bf been together before you guys moved in together?

Did your son have discipline/attitude problems before this?

Are there consequences to his not doing things when asked?

No, the problem is not your son. He's an innocent kid caught in what can be a confusing situation. The problem is the inconsistency in expectations between his two homes. Do you have a civil relationship with his father? Would talking to him about discipline be an option? Has your son ever had counseling to deal with your breakup and how to handle being shuffled between two places with two sets of rules?

I think most people would say it's not your boyfriend's place to be disciplining your child that way. Ideally, your son should show him a certain level of respect as an adult, but he isn't your son's parent. How did your son behave before you moved in with your boyfriend? How long have the two of you been dating? If it hasn't been very long, it's completely understandable and expected that your son might act out. He might feel like he's being shoved aside for your boyfriend, and the fact that you're inclined to blame him and not your boyfriend could indicate that he's not wrong for feeling that way.

You also have to keep in mind that your son is getting to an age where most kids start to get a little bratty- they're trying to figure out who they are and testing boundaries and rebelling. On top of that, he has to adjust to the choices that you make, and he doesn't have any control over them. It seems like fertile ground for acting out. Maybe the two of you should go to counseling together to learn how to express your expectations for each other and help him understand his role in the family. This might make things go more smoothly at home.

HI there,

We had been together for 6 months before moving in. I would say that yes, my son has always been a " piece of work". I am on him constantly, but now that my BF is as well, It seems to be more of a problem for my son. He does have consequences ( no tv, video games, computer..etc..). I tried to explain to my son that my BF is FAIR, but tough. I guess the more I think about it, It really is my son that is the problem. He is spoiled and when he is at his dads house, anything goes. I guess I need to change my question... Do I parent my son the way I think I should...OR do I let it slide bc otherwise he doesnt want to come to my house?    

He doesn't want to come to your house not because he is being disciplined but because of how he is.

When is the last time you felt like doing your best for someone after you have been yelled at?

Really it sounds like you and your BF need better coping skills to deal with a normal 11 year old boy. I have a daughter almost the same age that does the same things (well not so much peeing on the toilet seat) and I hear you, it is soo annoying sometimes. However yelling constantly isn't good for anyone and if he is still doing those things then it isn't even effective either.

Look into family council ling for your son by himself and for your BF, son and you. Get some books to read on positive parenting at least for your house you can say you did you best. Talk to his dad and see if you can get on the same page for rules.

SeaTurtleMay2010:

HI there,

We had been together for 6 months before moving in.

 

Even if you didn't have a son, I think this is a tad on the fast side.  When did you start bringing your BF around him? 

The problem is not your son, and it's not your boyfriend, it is you. You let a man move in with you after six months, despite the impact that might have on your child. You then let that man discipline your child. Then you don't understand why your son doesn't want to be around you and you try to blame it on him! You are a hot mess.

Kick the boyfriend out. Spend some time developing a relationship with your child. Work with your child's father to figure out a way to co-parent with mutual and consistent expectations and consequences. 

Listen, I'm sure you really love your BF and all that, but you have a child now, which means his needs and his happiness should be at least as important (and in this case, IMO, more important) than yours. 

HI,

I do think one of the biggest problems is the inconsistency between homes. I cannot talk to my ex. He says anything that is wrong with my son is because of the divorce. My Ex will not listen to anything that I say or suggest. He has hard feelings because of the divorce. 

I think most of the problem between my BF and son is the disrespect and the way that my son talks to me, when he is told to do something... does that go along with being a bratty 11 Y/o? I dont have any other children, so I have nothing to compare him to

I do like the counseling thought, we have free counseling as a benefit from my employer. I might suggest that to my son tonight.  

I do    

I am by no means an expert here, but I have a 7 and 10 yr old, am divorced and remarried, so I have a lot of experience with the step dad issues, as well as birth father issues that can come up.

Your son's behavior is not acceptable.  Are you able to talk to his father about setting mutual rules?  Rules that are expected to be followed in both households.  Simple ones, like clean up after yourself, be respectful to your elders, do as you are told. My ex and I can barely pass in the same hallway, but we were able to sit down together and discuss some rules that are just non-negotiable.  I certainly don't want my kids going to school and treating their teachers that way, and I doubt their father does either.  Kids need to understand that there are reasons for a lot of the rules that are being set.  The rules that weren't worth arguing about with bio-dad, like bedtimes or how much time is spent on electronics are ones that we sat down and explained to the boys, there are different rules here from there, and when you walk through the door here you better be prepared.  We then stressed that no matter where you are, you are expected to remember your manners, be respectful, not be a slob, etc.

Your boyfriend may be getting into the equation a little late in the game.  I understand that it is his home too, and he feels he has a right to contribute to the rules, etc., however think about it from your son's point of view. This guy comes in, and just takes over, calling him down (lazy, whether he is or not, is still name calling.), declaring how things should be done and what do you suppose his first thought is?  You are not my dad, who are you do tell me what to do?  Facts are facts, he's not his dad.  What right does he truly have to get involved (from the mind of a child)?  DH and I have been together for 7 years, I left my kids birth father when I was 3 months pregnant with my youngest and started dating DH when my youngest was a new born.  Even at that, my oldest remembers life before, and it took many years for he and DH to come to terms with who each one was and what their roles are.  Now, after 7 years, I wouldn't dream of handing a real punishment (things like grounding) without sitting down with DH, discussing it, and making sure that my son understands it was a mutual decision. But it took 7 years to get there.  I think your boyfriend needs to butt out of the arguments and actually get to know the kid before he starts pushing his weight around. I would insist your son be respectful of him, but your boyfriend needs to respect his place as well.

HI guys,

 Thanks to everyone for the advice. Even the one that said I'm a  HOT MESS! lol..really though, I do appreciate it. As I read the posts/replys I'm getting some good advice. I cannot talk to my EX....he is bitter and mad, so the co-parenting ? getting along with the Ex is out..My EX tries to make his house fun and no rules so of course my son wants to be there because its a free-for -all. 

When my BF tries to discipline my son, It really isnt anyting that I would say is out of line ( putting the toliet seat down-or atleast wiping up his pee, if you take food to your room, atleast bring the dirty dishes out to the kitchen, If I say to do something, do it the first time...that type of thing...

So...maybe I need to post for advice on how to handle an 11 Y/O boy? It just so happens that my BF is in the middle of my son being a brat? Does any of that make sense?

I am def. open to the counseling...So I will look into that. 

 I missed the past where you said he was being disrespectful to you. Given that, I should not have said your son's behaviour was normal, I should have said for his situation it's common for children to act like that. Your son has to deal with a lot and you have to help him get his feelings and anger under control. Still, the answer is not yelling at him.

When you say your son is being disrespectful what is he saying to you?

I'm not really convinced than your BF needs to be involved in those arguments between your son and you. Take your BF out of that equation and you deal with your son directly. Your son (albeit rudely and in anger) is trying to communicate his feelings to you. Let him say what he wants to (needs to?) without interrupting (BF included) and then say what you need to say and set some limits for appropriate words in conversations.

I really think you will need a councillor to help you with that. I'd also go alone to talk about dealing with your ex and his lack of parenting.

There is always a solution but your son alone isn't the problem here.

Why in the world would you move a man in with you after only 6 months? Your son shouldn't even know who this guy is at this early stage.

You need to kick the boyfriend out, and get into family counseling with your son.