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Help!! In-laws want to move into my neighborhood....
HI!
My husband and I live in NC and his parents currently live in NJ. They have told us numerous times that they not only want to move to NC, but they want to build a house in our neighborhood. Next week they'll be here from Wed - the Tues after Christmas and they want to pick out a lot in our neighborhood to build on. This is not OK with me and my husband. While we welcome them moving to the state, we could even be OK with them moving a few miles away, we just don't want them in our neighborhood where we would see them every time we tuned around. We need to have a discussion with them when they are here - any suggestions how to bring this up, how to start the conversation, etc.? An important item to note is that they can get very passive aggressive, pouty, and basically act like children when they are mad at us (even when we have no idea what they are mad about.) Thanks in advance!
Re: Help!! In-laws want to move into my neighborhood....
What am I missing? Why not just say your neighborhood is too close? That you think you'd ruin the good relatoinship you have by being in each other's back yard and look forward to be close, but not too close.
Seriously, what am I missing? Isn't it better to tell the pouty, passive-aggressive people NOT to build in your backyard?????
First of all, you've got to get over the idea that you can prevent them from being pouty and p-a. You can't control them, so don't allow their behavior to control you!
You H needs to say "listen, mom and dad, I love you, but I don't want you to buy in our neighborhood. If you want, I'll try to show you some similar neighborhoods that give us both some breathing room." If they insist on buying in your neighborhood, then he needs to tell them it's not ok, and that they will be damaging your relationship - and what's the point in buying a home down the street from a son who wants nothing to do with them? Or that you will just pick up and move if they get to close to your home.
Really, I love my parents, but we all need our space!
Here's the thing, you cannot prevent them from moving there. If they want to move there they have the right do so unless you buy up all the empty lots and refuse to sell to them.
You of course can express your concerns but keep in mind that could also damage the relationship and may not do any good so tread carefully.
Ditto the others. You can't control their reactions, and you also can't control where they move.
I think your DH needs to talk to them and express concern that being so close could be TOO much closeness. But be careful- they may be thinking "Oh, so close will be great!" and to hear that their son thinks it could do damage- that's going to hurt!! You have to realize this and you have to roll with it.
I think he needs to focus on the positive- he's excited they want to move to NC, he thinks it will be great to have them closer. But then gently go into how you think the same neighborhood may be TOO close.
Good luck
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i can understand why you'd not want them that close but in the end they can move where ever they please.
You have to understand that no matter how you and your husband approach this, it's going to be unpleasant because your in-laws are not reasonable people. Keeping that in mind, you have to do whatever will be best for you in the long run.
Your husband definitely needs to talk to them before they move, and others have given very good suggestions for how to do that. You both need to prepare for the fact that they might be offended, no matter how politely and tactfully your husband speaks to them.
Also, you need to anticipate that they will not agree with your husband and decide to go ahead with the move into your neighborhood. If that happens, you need to talk about your options. This is a tough situation- whether you moved or stayed put, you would be showing them that they have control over your lives. You could move, but that's pretty drastic, especially in this market, and if you're happy with your home you shouldn't have to leave just because others don't respect boundaries. At the same time, if you stay, you are setting yourself up for lots of intrusion in your lives. If they do move and you decide to stay, you and your husband are going to have to be VERY firm with boundaries- they have to call before they come over, you're not going to spend time with them every day, etc.
I couldn't agree with you more! MIL wants to sell her house and move near us. We don't own a house yet, and she keeps saying that she's waiting to see where we buy a house so she can live "near by." I have no idea where "near by" is, but DH and I have made it very clear that we are happy she wants to live near us, especially since my parents are very far away, but that we expect boundaries to be set. DH and I are looking to stay in our school district, which covers about 3-4 towns, so we keep saying that she can just live anywhere in the district and still be close.
If they do decide to move into your neighborhood, you really need to talk about boundaries before hand. It's not really fair to them to just have you get mad if they do something you don't like without knowing why you're mad. With MIL, if she does move down here, she knows that she will not be allowed to drop by uninvited (we're newlyweds for pete's sake!), and that we have certain commitments that we don't break unless we are out of town.
I would just tell them what would happen if they did move into your subdivision. You would still only see them once maybe twice a month, you will still split the holidays, they will not come over uninvited, they will not have keys to your house etc. Pretty much that your lives would be no different than if they lived a few miles or a few hours away. Yes, even if you do have children, things will remain the same because you both value your private time. So if they are spending all this money with high expectations of seeing you guys all the time, they will be sorely disappointed.
To go along with what other people said about their attitude. Just keep telling yourself that it isn't the end of the world if they get upset with you. The earth will still keep on spinning and will not explode. They will be upset, but they will get over it. Besides, right now is an excellent time to establish boundaries or else they will be even pushier once kiddos come along. Trust me.
I think that movie "Little Fockers" comes out soon. Take them to that movie, and afterward have the conversation back at your place. There is a scene in the movie where Ben Stiller's mom announces they're buying a house two doors down from them, and Ben Stiller reacts by almost cutting off his finger while slicing the dinner. (I haven't seen the whole movie, but I'm sure they address this issue in the movie.)
You can make a light joke referencing the movie, and then say: "In all seriousness, we'd think our relationship would be much healthier with you if you bought land at least five miles away. We are happy you're moving to NC, however we value our privacy and establishing boundaries as to how close you live to us seems like a reasonable request from us. We'll be glad to drive around with you to look at property, however we're thinking something 10+ miles away would be ideal." and also would be good to explain, like someone else suggested, how them moving to NC doesn't mean you'll see each other everyday, and that they need to call first before visiting.
Unfortunately others are correct - they have a right to live wherever they choose, but you saying it in the context of: "If you move too close, like to our neighborhood or within 10 miles of us, the consequence is a potential strain on our relationship with us, and that's an outcome none of us want, correct?"
I wouldn't tell your in-laws that unless you 100% plan to sell your home, buy/rent a new one, pack up everything and move. Because otherwise it is an empty threat and now they will know that you don't mean anything you say. It's just like telling a kid you will ground them for life. It's never going to happen.
Also, by doing that you have handed over complete control of your lives to them and shown that you will make monumental life decisions based on what they do.
If they move into your neighborhood be adults and deal with it.
"Listen, I have to be honest with you, the idea of having you live right in our neighborhood bothers me, I know I can't stop you from buying a house where you want, but I just wanted to at least tell you how I felt"
This exactly!!! Trust me, I understand needing space from family - I moved 12 hrs. away. Even when you really love them. But at the end of the day you can't prevent them from moving there, but you can very much damage relationships that don't sound like they're doing to bad right now. Plus, I had someone move out here and I thought it was going to be a big deal but it ended up just fine. Keep in mind that they will be having their life and not always being "all up in yours." Expressing concern in a polite, thought out way is fine, just be wise. Also if they move there and are overly involved talk with your husband and have him speak with them calmly about boundaries.
ok..this might fall into the category of 'playing games', but have you tried pretending that you're thinking about moving to another neighbourhood?
This might help open up a discussion about alternatives, and you could encourage them to move into a 'better' neighbourhood (where you'd be more tolerable about their proximity to you). You don't have to outright lie about whether to not you're moving there. Just up sell them a bit. Once you have them sold literally on another place, you can tell them you decided to stay put after all.
It's a bit sneaky and manipulative but it might avoid some pouting and general unpleasantry.
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Okay, this advice is coming from someone who lived right next door to the in-laws for almost 4 years. We moved from a different state (where my in-laws also lived) and they followed us and bought 5 acres right next to our new place and built a house, so we could live right next door to each other.
We weren't real happy, but it was what it was! It's not like we could afford to sell what we had just bought and move again so soon.
My in-laws sound similar to yours. Pouty and immature when it comes to anybody disagreeing with them, and pretty darn passive aggressive. They don't always tell us when they have a problem, they just stay P.O.'d for a random amount of time, then hold a grudge for years and years after that, eventually bringing up everything we've ever done in (what seems like) an effort to be deceptive and get their way.
If this tells you anything about how that worked out - we just bought a house and moved an hour and a half away. And they've talked about moving closer again!!
When we were telling them that we bought a house and were moving that far away, they got all defensive and wanted to know what our problem was. The nerve! They are nosy, bossy, immature and petty. I know it doesn't sound like it, but we love them very dearly...it's just pretty darn near impossible to be neighbors with people who feel like your business is their business. For awhile after we told them about our new house, they really really backed off and treated us more like how we would've liked to be treated all along. For a few weeks, we were sad we were leaving. But that didn't last long - they were right back up in our business, wanting to hang out every day, checking (and opening!!) our mail, calling to see where we were going when we left the house and calling when they saw we weren't home yet at night.
All that to say - you don't want my past in your future. I agree with everyone else that you should expect them to be upset that you don't want them to live in your neighborhood. They probably will be. But I think the best way is to have them over for dinner, bring it up very specifically and tell them exactly everything that ya'll are thinking, and expect things to kinda blow up in your face. That way, if they are calm and agreeable, you get to be pleasantly surprised! If they don't consider your feelings and decide to move to your neighborhood anyway, I would move if I were you. There's no sense in wasting your life and relationships by staying. If your in-laws are like mine, you'll be miserable and the relationships will most definitely suffer.
Whatever you do (rude or not) it needs to be done! I live a country mile (so still within eye shot) of my inlaws. It's beyond horrible....calls about lights being on late, random visits, binoculars, etc. My husband has had many many many discussions with them about space and boundaries. We NEVER thought this would be a problem...but obviously is. My husband no longer has a good relationship with his parents...and I have to pretend they don't exist to make it though life. Our home is on the market because we just can't take it anymore.
Is it possible they don't realize how horrible this could be? Do they just really love the area and want to be closer to family so it makes sense to them? I'd probably bring up the topic of moving. Tell them that although the neighborhood is nice and you like your home it's not your forever home and you've been watching to see what comes on the market with hopes you can find something more to your liking in the next few years. See what comes of that... Would they hold off and wait to see your move or is this neighborhood what they want. Maybe it's the only "safe" place they know in the area?
By anymeans, you can't pick your family just like you can't pick your neigbors. Unfortunantly every family has tiffs and fights. It's always best to pick your battles... THIS ONE IS ONE TO PICK! Their child should be the one to talk to them about it (or be the first to bring it up if you want to discuss together). He needs to explain he left the nest and needs to keep it that way. He loves them, loves to see them, but also loves space where he can be an adult without feeling like he's watched by his parents. He needs to explain to them that there's nothing they can do to prevent that feeling from occuring. They might be the best neighbors possible but he'll always wonder if they are watching, preparing to invade, etc. It's hard because this is a position you have to judge without giving the others the benifit of the doubt. But a home and comfortable lifestyle shouldn't be put at risk.
I think you're AMAZING for having them for a month. I'm having my MIL for christmas eve night and I'm questioning whether or not I'll make it. It's obvious you can stand them...keep it that way!
I think so far this have been the most rational help you heard. We can't just decide for our parents or in-laws.
Well, I understand the situation- unfortunately parents and in laws can sometimes be invasive. (even from m-i-l-e-s ) away!
But I wonder if, with a larger perspective in mind, it could not be positive to have grandma and grandpa around to pamper our kids, love them and even help some?
Where are our old family values? (this is for me too, girls)
I lost my parents when I was eighteen and, honestly, I would give an arm to have them close. I would call and stop by any time I could!
Think about it- trust me I know how you might feel. You can have them close enough but still set up some boundaries, make sure they understand that you are busy when you are busy...or needs some space and it will work out.
Hope it helps...