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Put myself through SIL/FIL abuse on Christmas to please MIL?
My husband's sisters and father are mentally ill and have created much stress in our marriage. My husband's mother is a kind woman who has always worked very hard to appease her husband and daughters, never wanting to tell them that they are ever anything other than perfect, even when they treat my husband and me terribly. She told my husband, in tears, that she clearly sees the pain that they bring to the family and acknowledges the mental health issues in them, but she cannot stomach suggesting that they get help because she doesn't want to be the one to "send them over the edge." She asks that we tolerate them like she does, even though they have taken to harassing me on facebook and spreading lies about us to family and family friends.
I finally blocked my father-in-law and sisters-in-law on facebook after an attack a few weeks ago. I understand that they have problems and that there is likely some self-hate and that they are projecting their issues on us and creating drama to make them feel better about themselves. They love to be the victim. This week, for example, my husband's 27-year-old sister took to facebook to tell everyone, "my brother doesn't want to celebrate my birthday with me. awesome." Of course this was after she had posted on facebook, again for all to see, that she was so excited that I wouldn't be attending her birthday party on Saturday. I had declined the invitation because my husband and I were previously invited to a Christmas party with long-time friends -- my husband told his family that I would not be there but he would go to the birthday party before this facebook crap. He saw what she wrote and told her to remove it from facebook and that he was furious that she continued to make mean comments about me on there for their family and mutual friends to see. Of course, now she is the "victim" of her mean brother, yells at him for being mad at her, and he tells her he won't be attending her party. She does not see that he is upset with her for a reason, and not that he decided to be "mean" to her for no reason. So she posts the thing abotu him not wanting to be with her on her birthday in order to get attention from others who don't know the situation and then ask my husband why he's so mean to his sister.
This is just the most recent example of the unnecessary negativity that they love to create. The other sister (32 years old) and their father do the same stuff and check that they "like" eachothers' comments, and even sneak on to my mother-in-law's account to stalk me and post things under her name. It's like they don't realize that my husband and I are going to see this, and then get mad when we bust them. I can't tell you how many times my husband has had to confront his sisters, and then we get an apology email, and then they just don't understand why we don't immediately start praising them.
So, Christmas is next week and my husband's mom wants me to go to Christmas Eve dinner with them at thier house. My husband wants me to go to "be there" for his mom, but he knows everyone else there makes me extremely uncomfortable and that they are rude and just plain strange to me. I'd much rather be with my family and friends -- you know, people who are kind and respectful -- during the holidays. Of course no one is going to make an effort to be kind to me because his mom doesn't want to stand up to them and tell them that their behavior is out of line.
The question is.... should I sacrifice my own holiday joy to please my husband's mother, who has clearly never stood up for herself, nevermind me, and tried to put an end to her husband and daughter's cruel treatment? I know they have mental health issues but that doesn't give them a free pass to be cruel and create chaos for the rest of us this time of year.
Thanks for reading this long post and for helping with your ideas... truly appreciated.
Re: Put myself through SIL/FIL abuse on Christmas to please MIL?
Do they have a diagnosed and treated emotional disorder? Or is it just that they've all got issues and it's being called "mentally ill." I can't think of a mental illness that is based on spreading rumors on facebook.
I think the only reason your DH and you are doing any of this is to appease his mom. Frankly, you've both put up with enough. I wouldn't (and your husband shouldn't) associate with them at all at this point (though your answer to the mentally ill question may change my response).
Why would you or your husband want to spend any time with these people if they treat you so horrendously? Seriously - why isn't your husband stepping up to the plate here and telling them that if they don't respect you, they won't see him?
Why are you sacrificing your happiness for his mother's happiness? Why is your husband okay with this? I don't understand why either of you would spend one second with these people if they are doing the things you describe in this post.
Stop expecting his mother to stand up for you - YOU should be standing up for yourself and your husband should be standing up for himself and you as well. The more you attend these things or he attends them without you, the more you are both sending the message - "you can treat us anyway you'd like and we'll still do what you want us to do."
Is that the message you want to send them?
I'm with you guys on this. I've told my husband that I refuse to be around them, and he's ok with that. But this is the holiday season and I know he wants to be with his mom, and he wants me to be there for her too because she loves me. I see that it is manipulative and that I shouldn't have to subject myself to it to please her. I agree with you guys whole-heartedly and that's why I never respond to their emails or facebook crap (which just fuels their harassing). But it's Christmas...
I guess I just feel so bad for my husband because he wants a relationship with his mom, and of course he still has love for his dad and siblings, especially with their mental health problems (dad is diagnosed bipolar but treatment has been avoided for the girls since suggesting that they get help is like telling them they aren't perfect, which mom "can't" do). These girls are treated like children, play with Disney toys and bring coloring books out to dinner (yes, age 27 and 32). His mom just says they have "issues" and doesn't want to ever say anything other than how perfect they are because she knows that they don't have friends, don't have a social life, no dating life, and if mom were to suddenly point out a flaw, that really could be an immense problem for all of us. So she expects us to tolerate it because they are family, just like she does.
There is no reason why your husband and you can't have a relationship with his mom. Plan on doing things occasionally with just you three. But really, I would cut the rest out of your life until the sisters get some serious treatment.
Cutting people out of your life is hard, and don't go into it half-heartedly. Be on the same page with your DH. Ignore all attempts they make to get your attention. BLOCK them on Facebook. But your MIl also needs to understand that the topic of off limits.
At what cost though? You are both trading your self respect for something he's not even getting from his mother. She's more concerned about appeasing everyone else in this situation rather than standing up for herself - which sounds exactly like yourself and your husband. Willing to put everyone's happiness ahead of your own because "It's Christmas".
Sorry, but my self-respect doesn't take a holiday just because it's Christmas. I don't tolerate a lot of behavior from my family (they are very drama heavy and gossipy) and I stick to it even during the holidays. Sure it's sad because I miss my family, but my self respect and being authentic is most important to me.
I'm not sure why you've come to the nest if you're just going to go over there regardless of what we post and put up with this crappy treatment from the in-laws. It sounds like you've already made up your mind. I think if you go, you are continuing to allow them (and your husband) to treat you however they want without any consequence. Why would they respect you when they can keep acting like this and nothing changes?
And really -it's not your job or your husbands job to make these people happy. You have NO control over that. You only have control over your own decisions and your own happiness. No one is going to look out for you, so if you decide to put your happiness last for the sake of these family members over and over again, you will never be happy. Especially since they have proved that they really don't have any of your best interests in mind.
I think you need to tell your H he that what he wants and what is reasonable are two different things.
You CAN have a relationship with his mom, even a close one. You just want one where FIL and SIL rre not a part of the package. I know people disagree with "inviting one spouse, but not the other," but it is still POSSIBLE.
Your MIL wants "one big happy family," for Christmas. But it's NOT one big happy family. FIL and SIL don't like you, and you are miserable around them! Your H needs to tell her "just because we are all at your house, doesn't mean it's a "happy" "family" celebration. I don't like dad, wife and I can't stand SIL. It's uncomfortable for us. Sorry, but we won't be there. We'd like to celebrate Christmas with you in a special way, but not with dad and sis."
Then think of something to do together and create a new holiday tradition. If she likes driving around town and looking at decorations, going to a major city to see a show (Nutcracker, A Christmas Carol), cheesecake and hot chocolate, ice skating, a tree lighting display, the movies, dinner...
Stop thinking that it is YOUR fault that the family can't celebrate the holidays together "like a normal family." His family isn't normal (neither is my ILS, and we can't blame mental illness!). Tell your H that Christmas is too important to you to spend it being harassed, and that you deserve better, and MIL should acknowledge that. She's asking you to suffer b/c you and H are the "nice ones," but you don't need to give up your holiday just so she can pretend they are a family.
Agreed. Thank you. I thought some people would tell me that I was being a bad wife for not wanting to go. Thanks for confirming for me that I don't have to deal with that crap and don't have to feel guilty for standing up for myself. I'm sooo not going!!!
Merry Christmas all!
Remember that it is your holiday too and you and your husband are more than just puppets for others to enjoy themselves ( which it sounds like that wont happen anyways). You are an adult now and can spend the holidays however you please. You really can. You can spend the day with friends, you can go to the Bahamas, you can go skiing, you can even sit at home all day watching old kung fu movies eating chinese food. You can do whatever you want. If you don't want to be put in an abusive situation, you don't have to. His mom will just have to deal with it.
I also agree with a PP who said you can get together with MIL some other time.
Are you planning on having children one day ? Will you take your child over there so that they can be subjected to that abuse or to see you be treated like that ? What will you do on holidays ? If you wouldn't subject your child to that, why would you do it to yourself.
FWIW, I had to deal with a horrible step gma growing up. She would bad mouth and name call myself, my siblings, my cousins, my parents and my aunts and uncles. However no one ever said Boo to her because they were afraid she would keep my grandfather from us. Well you know what, if he let her treat us like that than he is any better than she is. So for years and years we all just put up with it for our grandfather's sake. It wasn't until I was older that a a light bulb went off in my head and I thought " Why am I putting up with this abuse. I really don't care if my grandfather doesn't see me again." I am glad I did. I don't want my children to think it is ok for anyone to treat you like that. I don't want to teach them to be doormats. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I was taught to stand up for myself and my family when being treated badly instead of sweeping it under the rug and tolerating it in order to appease toxic and weak adults. Would I have turned out differently? Maybe, maybe not but it would have been a nice life lesson for me to learn growing up.
This.
And, sheesh, I do not care if it was the last day on earth and the only chance you would have to see anyone ever again....I would not spend time with these people. I also agree with those who have said that there is something amiss here if you and your H are not being firm in the boundaries with this family. You need to both stop living to please others - even if they are related by blood. Especially people who have shown themselves to be cruel, emotionally unstable and just plain crazy and the people who want you to spend time with those people!
I don't know why so many people try and force dysfunctional families to function just because it is a holiday. This is NOT one big happy family, and it won't be just because you add a turkey, a Christmas tree and a few renditions of Jingle Bells.
I'm not condoning their behavior, but the tone of this post is a little immature. Throwing the mental illness/stalking terminology around. I didn't get anything from your post that was indicative of true mental illness or stalking. Maybe some solid examples would help?
Also, I read your last post re: your SIL. Getting that bent out of shape about a cheap gift seems extreme.
While she sounds like a peach, you sound a little dramatic and high-maintenance yourself.
Good for you! Stick to your guns. If you want to have a relationship with your MIL just have it away from her home.
Perhaps your MIL would consider some counseling apart from the rest of the family. It seems she is getting something out of these bizarre relationships. If she can figure out what maybe she will find the strength to distance herself too.
The OP did clarify in a response that the FIL is diagnosed bipolar. And although neither the 27 year-old SIL or the 32 year-old SIL have been diagnosed with a mental illness, I would venture to say that playing with Disney toys and coloring books, especially in conjunction with the verbal barrages on Facebook, are almost certainly indicative of some kind of mental issues.
Your MIL is just as bad for enabling them and allowing them to treat you this way. I understand your DH wants a relationship with her, but it shouldn't have to come at the expense of his (and your!) own well-being and happiness.
I would decline and suggest counseling with your DH. It sounds like there is a lot to deal with family-wise and it may be hard for him to deal with. He may think this is all normal as he grew up in that house.
GL, I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays without their craziness!
1. You cannot change them. You cannot reason with them. You can only control and protect yourself. If I were you, I'd make serious efforts to totally cut these BSC in-laws out of my life.
2. You do not need to validate and support your MIL's cowardly method of handling her husband and daughters by attending Christmas with them just to please her. In fact, if you stand up to FIL/SIL/SILs' collective nonsense, it will make it easier for MIL to follow suit in the future. She won't see it this way in the short term, but you'll actually be doing her a favor by showing her a way out of this mess.
Thanks. I'm still not convinced that the OP is a fully-functioning, mature adult based on her posts. By OP, I'm guessing it's you, with 22 posts. AE? Mebbeh? Good day!
A united front is important in a marriage and I don't think its a good idea for you to spend Christmas by yourself and your husband to go and spend Christmas with his family. You are his family now and should come first, not his Mother or sisters. From what I understand, that is the plan, to spend Christmas apart?
From what you are posting, you have more of a DH problem, than an in-law problem. There needs to be more support from your husband in this situation of how you feel and how to handle things. Your DH needs to take a stand with his family on issues. IMO, it would be best if you both did not see the Father and sisters and just saw the Mother. Hopefully, you husband would support this.