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Hubby and College
DH and I have been married for 3 months. When DH and I met, I was working 2 jobs and attending college part time. I was a single parent and put off college so I could devote more time to my kids. Once my children were in college themselves, I enrolled in our community college to finish my degree.
Here's where the problem lies.....My DH is not supportive of me getting my degree at all. He feels that it is a "waste of money" and that getting a degree does not guarantee that I will get a job in the field of my choice. He also says that it's "not safe" to attend evening classes because the campus has woods on one side and trucking companies on the other side. He is a police officer and tends to see others as guilty until proven innocent.
Finishing my degree is extremely important to me and I don't know how to convince him that it's not a waste of money and that I will be safe there. This is something we actually fight about.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Re: Hubby and College
What has me struck nearly senseless:
The fact that all of a sudden this guy opened his eyes and noticed you are attending school!
Wasn't this discussed before you were married?
Doesn't look like it to me.
My personal opinon of your H: He stinks on ice.
He is to support you in all you want to do, whether it's go back to school, stay home with the kids or join the fricking circus!
Not supportive of you?
RETHINK HIM. it is not too late.
I for one could not live with a man who won't support me in my endeavors and I could not live with a man who has an attitude clear out of the Victorian era.
Good luck with this jerk; he sounds like quite the liberated douchebag.
IF you attending school was discussed before you were married and he had this type of mindset back then, you should have dropped him and ran like hell.
TRUE that school does not automatically guarantee you a job but wow, to tell you it's a "waste of time" positively slays me and so does his non support of your endeavors. What a pig.
I actually heard this a lot when I was Advising - you're not alone in this.
Is you getting a degree putting a strain on your marriage at all? Meaning, are you hurting financially because of the expense of school? Are you spending less time with him than you used to, because you're busy with school work? Or does he have new responsibilities around the home (cleaning/cooking, etc.) because you're not always around to do them?
Sometimes men feel this way because they feel threatened. Seems kind of silly, but I have seen it numerous times. Some (more common in older students) feel like their wife going to work and possibly making more than them is a failure of some kind on their part.
His excuses are trivial. It's funny because going to the Police Academy didn't garuntee he would get a job on a police force. Yet he did it anyway, didn't he? And the danger? He could drive you/pick you up at the door... or you could car pool, or at least walk out of class with some of your classmates (safety in numbers).
I think you two need to get to the bottom of what's really bothering him.
This. Seriously - why would you settle for this? A healthy relationship should be something in which you feel the best about yourself and inspires you to be the best person you can be, not holds you back from your goals or makes you feel bad about having important goals.
how old are you and he? are the kids father(s) in the picture? does he help financially? does going to school put a strain on your finances or child care?
and i agree-a degree DOESNT guarantee you a job in the field but he sure sounds like he said it in a dicky way.
A dicky way is one thing but a complete lack of support for his wife's endeavors is quite another story altogether.
And if he was on the bus with you attending school before you were married and now he's against it, wow, don't ask what I think of that.
You know what's REALLY dangerous? Being a freaking cop.
This guy sounds douchey as hell. If I were you, I'd stop fighting with him and tell him that while he's welcome to have his own opinion about you going to school, you don't really give a damn. And repeat as necessary, while doing what you think is best.
Back in the '70's, my mom attended college after she was married, after my dad completed college and us kids were in school. She thanked G*d every day she walked though the door. Literally, thanked G*d and said a prayer. Every Day.
She had the full support of my father. I think it's pretty easy to be bullied into not going, and it's pretty easy to not bother. I think it's a whole lot harder to be grateful every day for the opportunity.
I think you owe it to yourself to be safe. To use safety resources on campus and to know the real danger of these "woods" and "truckers". What can you do? Can you go in groups, use security escorts, get a special parking pass?
Final thought, college isn't just about getting a job. It's about expanding your mind and learning to live in the world with the benefit of education. So, it doesn't matter if it doesn't immediately equate to higher pay. Because it already served it's purpose by serving you.
Whoah....what!?
So before marriage he was cool with this.....but now he isn't? I will assume that because I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did not marry a man who was this unsupportive. If you did...that is another post altogether.
I consider the fact that not only does he seem to give education little value, but that he is very unsupportive of your own personal growth (i.e. via education or otherwise) quite alarming. As long as you are not putting yourself in a difficult financial position to pursue this education (and even then there are ways to make it happen) I do not see why there is no reason to go....I do not think education is ever a waste of money, as long as the good intent and the commitment to learning is there. And, given that you put it off so many years due to raising your family, I think the value in going now is even greater for you. You now have the opportunity to fulfill a goal/dream you have had for many years...it is not just about going to class and learning the book-smarts and getting a job at the end of it....
I see his "reasons" (safety, etc) as just ways to "disguise" his own controlling manners. That safety thing is crap, or at the very least is him projecting his own insecurities on you and something that can be dealt with in healthier ways than telling you not to go to college. There are ways to address that. Campus security, a personal alarm, and so on. I run in the dark every morning, even in strange towns while traveling. H does have concerns about my safety (he is very safety conscious himself) but rather than try to stop me from running altogether, or talking about how he does not like it and does not encourage it and support it....we discuss ways to make it safer (i.e. in strange cities I carry a walkie talkie that he has the companion for, I carry my phone at home, I let him know my route, give a time frame, stay in well lit and populated areas, avoid the same route everyday, etc. His safety concerns are addressed, and I can understand his concerns (and take them to heart even if I am less concerned than he is and for years never gave it much thought!), and he is very supportive of my passion for running and so forth and would not even think to ask me to stop or get down on it, etc.
H and I have both been in school during the course of our relationship/marriage (H is currently a student again). In both cases, these are are due to second career changes in our 30's, and so forth, so in both cases, we already had degrees and careers and were both doing quite well at them. There is no way I would be with someone who thought another degree was a "waste", or there was no point, and so on (nor would my husband be with me!). Sure, it is difficult time-wise, or financially, and means we have had to shift priorities or lifestyles a bit, but we keep the communication going and figure it out as we are both so supportive of each other continuing to learn and grow...for a lifetime.
I don't know, I think this goes a bit beyond how he feels about you in college. There is issues with control, with him projecting his issues and so forth on you (i.e. his belief about safety and other people, his belief about education), his switch after the wedding, and so on. Something rubs me wrong about this in many ways.
Your H is a being a douche bag.
And good for you going back to school!! PLEASE finish despite what your self-centered H thinks.
You should tell well you might think it is a waist of time and money.... BUT it is really important to ME.... and it hurts ME when you dismiss my WANTS because they are not your OWN.
Seriously.... what an azz!!! I would kick his Self Important Twat-waffle Sack of SH!t to the curb.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
My kids are 20 & 21 and both attend Penn State University so there is no issue with them or their father. My daughter and I actually took some classes together last year when she was attending the community college also and it was a great bonding experience.
I started as a business major then switched to paralegal studies.
He knew before we got married that I wanted to finish my degree and said he was proud of me working 2 jobs and still being on the Dean's list. I was accepted into a private university and withdrew and enrolled in our community college due to financial issues. The private school was almost 3x as much.
I quit my part time job in April and I lost my full time job in June so now I am eligible for grants and other financial assistance, so money for school is really not an issue now.
I was almost ready to quit all together to avoid fighting but decided against it. It's very upsetting to see the 180 in his attitude. Sometimes I think he's glad I lost my job so I can be the "little wifey" at home. Which I wouldn't mind if we were having more children. He calls and texts me all day long and gets mad when I don't answer the phone.
Gotta love marriages where one spouse wakes up one morning to the reality of a pre-marriage situation and says, "Aw, hellz no!" So this didn't come up in any kind of discussion before the big "I do?"
Did you also look at the divorce rate of cops? It's over 90%. I wonder why.
Tough rox for him. Isn't it.
First of all, I have a lot of family members who are cops, and your H is right in the profile - - they really do see the worst in the world. When dh's nephew had a new baby, he drew the shades, was peeking out at the neighbors looking for "strange cars...." and he's the laid back one!
I would talk to your H. It could be that while you see him liking the "little wifey at home" maybe he sees you as doing a complete turnaround - from having a job (bringing in $) to devoting yourself to school. If he is worried about money, that could also explain why he wants to know when you are out - - if you are home you can't be shopping or getting your nails done. Everyone has heard the saying 'it's easier to find a job when you have a job."
Does your degree apply to your field, and will it result in additional income? Or is it just a degree "to have a degree' (which is not a bad thing, you just need to be clear about what your goal is). Explain to your H that unless your household is in severe financial hardship, pursuing a degree is a non-negotiable for you. You will do it with or without his support - but if you go without his support, it will cause damage to your relationship.
Did your H get a college degree? It could be he nows feels threatened by your achievement. You need to talk about that, again explaining that while he can achieve and become Chief of Police in his field without a degree, you will plateau without yours.
He sounds incredibly controlling. How long were you with him before you got married?