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First Run In With MIL...WTF?!?
Let me preface this by saying that my in-laws, who live out of the country, are wonderful people and I love them to death (my SIL is my BF from college, that's how I met my DH). My MIL has some tendencies to be a bit selfish, but nothing serious. I've NEVER had any problems with her (at least not that I know of!!!!)
For the holidays we usually spend Xmas with my folks and then make an out of state trip down to DH cousins' house where we all meet for New Years ( his parents, my parents and sister, SIL, cousins...about 20 to 25 of us crammed in one house). It's always a ton of fun! This year however, I started chemotherapy and can't travel. So we can all be together, my parents have offered to host New Years and opened their house to all of my husband's family. My parents and all of my husband's family are really excited about New Years, except for, you guessed it, MIL. She wants to stay a few nights at our house (which is in the city about 1 hour away from my parents) so she only has to stay 2 nights at my parents' house. I'm too sick to be traveling back and forth between houses or to play hostess at my house when my parents have the space and capacity to host everyone. Also, my husband is in the military and we found out that we are moving outside of the States this summer so this could be our last Xmas with everyone for a while and I don't see why I need to spend most of it on the road traveling between two houses.
Our families always get along and I can't understand why she is acting like this all of a sudden. Am I being the ass here?
Re: First Run In With MIL...WTF?!?
No you are not. Kudos to you for even trying to spend the holidays with everyone while undergoing chemo. I think your family has come up with a great solution to the problem. Your MIL has been extended an invitation it is up to her if she wants to accept it. Simply explain to her that it is not possible for her to stay at your home as you will not be there and give her the names of a few hotels near your parents' home.
Good luck with your treatment
Your MIL is being a selfish uncaring beetch. Don't think another thing about this whole issue. If she gets all pouty, she will look like a total idiot.
She's the ass. I would probably feel differently if you were able to travel, but you're not. She seems to be showing zero compassion and understanding towards her ill DIL.
No need to argue or reason with her. Simply say "MIL, as you know I am undergoing chemo and this is what works for me. I am staying with my parents and that arrangement is not open for discussion."
Actually, I think that your DH needs to be the one who tells his mother to knock if off and either stay with your parents or don't come.
It might be a case of my reading a computer screen while having a migraine, but I don't think that I understood the driving back and forth bit. If your MIL doesn't stay in your home as she's requesting, would you be staying the entire family-gathering at your mother's? I'm totally get your feeling MIL would be an imposition, I'm just not getting why her staying with you would require you to be traveling between two homes (unless the answer to my earlier question is "yes").
If you haven't had a run in with your MIL, and have a strong (or at least good) relationship with them, is it at all possible that MIL might see her staying in your home as a help to you - sort of a chance for her to grow closer to you but to mostly be there for you, taking care of things, helping out, rather than expecting you to play hostess in the traditional sense? Or, if her son is leaving soon, maybe she sees it as being an opportunity for a mini-family of her own time? A chance to see/speak to him before he goes? Maybe even get to know the two of you a bit better as a couple? Even if that could be the case, it doesn't mean that you have to say yes to her - just that maybe you won't feel so offended or stressed by the request and have the opportunity to see that her request might be coming from a nice place.
If it is really something that just doesn't sit well, I'd cut it off by saying something along the lines of, "MIL, I'm so looking forward to our family time together. This is a big deal for me right now, to have a place of solitude when I need it. It is not at all a reflection on my feelings towards you, but I don't want overnight guests in my home. If there is a reason you'd be more comfortable at a hotel or B&B while visiting rather than my parents home, I completely understand and will help locate one for you."
And Kudos to your mother for opening up everything to your DH's family. That is so cool of her!
Just say No to MIL "Sorry, MIL, you cannot stay at our home for NY."
MIL is only thinking of her own comfort / convenience. Either she'd like a few days vacation in "the city," or she doesn't feel comfortable staying at your parents home for so long. Too darn bad! She can stay at a hotel - either in the city or close to your parents. Just b/c you own a home doesn't mean you are required to have guests!
Your H needs to tell his mom that since the two of you won't be there, and you won't be travelling, that your home is off-limits.
Let her think of an alternative that works for her (or decline the invite). It's not your job to create a dream situation for her. Obviously, in your dream NYE, you wouldn't be undergoing chemo!
This.
Did you say, "started chemotherapy"?
Yeah, once that's out there you are not an ass on ANYTHING.
Seriously, don't even blink on this one. You can decline other people's requests to stay at your home anytime, nevermind when you are under medical treatment.
I completely agree with Chavayjakov... I think it sound like your MIL is just trying to get out of staying at your mom's house for so long, not because she doesn't want to be a part of everything but because she feels like she an imposition. I feel the same way when I stay at someone elses house, like I'm over staying my welcome or that I'm going to get in the way. I wouldn't take it as your MIL trying to do things her way but just let her know where you stand, make it clear that your mom is SO excited to have her over, and at the same time listen to any concerns that she might have (or better yet have your husband have this conversation with her), let her know that it's difficult for you to travel and you're not up for having people over, he should be honest about it, she might not have even thought about this, she might have even thought that she could help around your house, who knows. Have your H talk to her though, it might be a really easy fix.
He said that his mom mentioned this to him a few weeks ago and in sterotypical guy fashion, he didn't think it was a big deal at all. I only found out last night becuase we were having a casual conversation and he mentioned it. Of course I got pretty irritated. It wasn't until I explained to him my concerns that he "got it" and now that he sees the big picture, he's a little upset that his mom wants to make a big deal out of the whole situation. Got to love the holidays!
Frankly, I think chemo gives you a free pass on anything.
Your MIL might not realize just how lousy you feel. Or she may want to stay with you and help take care of you. Especially where you say you guys are close, I don't think she's trying to be a pain. I bet it's just a miscommunication somewhere. Make your husband do the talking though.
That's the funny thing, we're not even staying at our house. We'll be staying with my parents as well.
Wow your MIL is being really selfish. I would do exactly what casmgn said. Don't waist anymore time or energy on this woman.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
It'd be awesome to have your DH and you get in a room with MIL and others present and have DH say, "Well, Mom, seeing as how my wife is starting chemo during the holidays, this is the best way for everyone to be together at Christmas." (stresses on the bolded words)
Wait for her response - anyone who is going to try to refute that statement is an automatic @sshat.
I agree, I don't think she's necessarily trying to be a brat, so you can say no whilst still being gracious and not creating issues with the in-law camp. I very much agree that you need your home to yourself at this draining time. My prayers are with your for your healing!
Your MIL is being thoughtless of you. Your DH needs to say no and suggest a hotel if your ILs are not to her liking.
That's it, that's all, period.
You and your DH need to do whatever is easiest and best for you! Your parents are stepping up to help get you all together and that's so generous. But your MIL is being slefish, unkind, and has no empathy!
I have had health problems for about 3 years now and have had 13 surgeries. And we have had to drive up to 900 miles to get to the right hospital for particular surgeries. The car ride is torturous. Especially when you are nauseated, which I was. And I imagine chemo will make you nauseated. I would be afraid that just the stress and aggrivation of all the driving not to mention loss of sleep would completely wear you out.
And in my case it is impossible for me to really explain to others how I feel or what effects the medications are having on me. i wear a fentanyl pain patch, take cymbalta, lyrica, and nucynta. So, I am exhausted...but my family thinks I should just "make myself get up and get going" Sometimes when they get on me about being tired I just want to take my medications and shove them down their throat and then see how they feel!!! I am quite sure would pass out!
All that stress is not good for you! You just need to concentrate on staying as strong as you can and enjoy your family and your holiday. What about letting them stay at your house even ehile your at your parents. They would probably change their minds when they find out they will be alone while everyone else is together celebrating. As long as you and your DH are on the same page...screw everyone else!
God bless you and I hope your chemo treatments go well. I always try to remember this..."if God brings you to it...he will bring you through it."
I just realized this post is after the fact....The holidays are over. Oh well, I pray that you are feeling well and getting healthy!
Just read this post for the 1st time and curious how this went since NY is past us...
My opinion is your MIL was upset she was losing hosting this event and just trying to be difficult. I have dealt with a MIL who can only think of herself through some major health problems in DH and it is certainly frustrating. Hopefully all went well and in the end worked out.