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over 30 and waiting to have kids
I need a reality check. Did any of you have a hard time waiting to have kids, especially if you were over 30 when you were a first-time mom? Did it cycle at all (i.e. at times it was easier and other times harder)?
I completely understand why I'm not likely to have a baby before late 32 or 33. I didn't meet MH until I was just about to turn 27. We decided that for financial security and professional fulfillment he needed to get an MBA. And we knew with our personalities, having a baby or young kids while one of us was in school would not work so the MBA had to come first. But, it is getting pretty hard to watch so many of my friends having kids! In the last 8 days, 4 very good friends announced they're expecting. I threw myself a little pity party last night. I really hope I get over it quickly because I KNOW I have so many other things going for me (for us). But it is bittersweet to watch so many good friends start the having kids adventure and knowing we're still a couple of years away.
Re: over 30 and waiting to have kids
I'm not over 30, but I am so right there with you. We are in a similar bought as you guys are with the MBA. I finished my MEd this fall, but I know that doing it while having my business and other jobs definitely did a number on my relationship with my DH. Add that to the fact that DH works for a psycho company that thinks 17 hour works days (like yesterday) are ok and sending him off to do installs during his scheduled vacation time and we know that having kids right now is not in the cards for us for another couple years. It's been really painful for me to admit that to myself. And, honestly, that a lot of why I wasn't on here for a long time. I see everyone having kids and, knowing that we won't be for a while, that makes me pity myself.
Obviously I don't have an answer for what to do to making it better. I haven't figured that out yet.
I waited, but then again I didn't get married until I was 35. I will tell you watching all my friends have babies was really hard. I am the last one in my group of friends to get married and have children. That was truly really hard for me, but I am so glad that I waited.
The challenge we had is DH just finished school this week. I will tell you it was really hard for him to study, and truly focus with babies around. There were many days where DH wished we had waited just a little longer to have them. (we wouldn't change it for the world though)
Try living through your friends children. What I mean is be supportive, love their children, and make the most of it. Prior to my pregnancy, I did that with my friends children, and I LOVED it. I still have a special connection with them. For example, it melts my heart every time I see Jackson (he is 5 now and just started school). He runs up to me, yells out Auntie Kathy,and gives me a huge hug. I cried when I saw him get on the school bus for the first time. It was hard, but things like that helped me.
I agree with pp. I saw my niece every weekend the first year of her life and it was really special. And, since my sister looks and sounds so much like me, I was able to care for my niece in ways that other people couldn't-- she'd fall asleep on me but not on anyone else (besides my sister) and I could calm her down when my sister wasn't around, when nobody else could.
I will say this-- the urge cycles, at least for me. You can usually tell when my biological clock was having a manic cycle because it corresponds with the acquisition of a pet! LOL I went through a period of high baby-urge around 23, 26, and then it cooled off until I was about 29 (after spending a year with my new niece) and picked back up last year. At 36, this is the strongest I have ever felt the urge-- even worse than when I was 26 and ended up adopting my cat.
Hang in there. I'm 36 now and won't be able to get pregnant until the spring/summer at the earliest (depends on the economy and my ability to get a job with benefits)-- and my husband will still have a year of schooling, so we will have to make some sacrifices (I may be up all night alone and he may have to study at strange times while I'm at work) once the baby comes. But I won't be having a child until I'm at least 37 at this point.
But it's definitely the right decision to wait for us. Hang in there!
You know, I think you hit the nail on the head with this. In the past, I've loved hanging out with my friends and their kids. It does take the edge off. Right now, I'm not getting much kid-time in because 1) many of our good friends live in other parts of the country and 2) we're not super close to most of our DC friends with kids and, therefore, we don't see them frequently enough for me to get a real "kid fix". I do have one good friend who is currently pregnant and lives in my neighborhood. We're close enough that I can say to her "When you need a break or someone to hang out with call me. It'll be good for your emotional health and mine." and she'll understand.
Thanks ladies. It's good to know I'm not alone. Susie and Daniele - I will be super excited for you guys when your turns come!
Look at it this way - you have the advantage of learning from your friends' experiences. I was the first of my friends to have a baby (at 27, so it's not like I was very young!) and I had no one to talk to about everything. Now that our friends are having their first babies, they come to us a lot with questions about parenting and pregnancy, since we've been there recently.
You get to dote on their little ones, and be the fun "aunt" and get a greater sense of what the whole parenting thing is like before jumping in.
Also, I'm 31 now, on kid #2, and this pregnancy has gone just as well as the first one. Granted, it's a little harder - but that's because I've had a baby before (2nd + pregnancies are a bit harder on you), not because I'm over 30 now.
Lastly, you can never get the pre-kids time back. Things are easier to do before having kids - you are doing the right thing by getting your education and plans in place before having a baby.
Hang in there!
My BFF was over the other day and she and I were talking about this. She just turned 31 and owns a restaurant, a bakery and a bar. And she is buying a building. So, she is kinda busy and has some money tied up. She wants to be a mom really bad and is afraid that she is getting too old.
I don't think that having a baby in your thirties is a bad thing at all. You are established financially and relationship-wise.
I know it is hard to wait. It was hard to wait when I was 29! I think that no matter what age you are, if you want to have a baby...it is a hard wait.
I have to agree with shuga, whenever you want a baby, no matter the age, it's difficult to wait. I always knew, before even meeting DH, that I would on the other side of 30 just b/c of my goals etc. Then, afer we got married I really wanted to take a year or two and just spend it being married, without the stress of pregnancy/baby etc. Now , I still had plenty of stress, but that was unavoidable
Once you get your ducks somewhat in a row, and things happen and you are pregnant all of it wont matter. I love every second with Caroline but I don't ever wish I had had her 2 years ago or what not. You become very "in the moment" so don't worry
I, too, had issues though with watching everyone else around me have babies and it was definitely though!
I'm 34, will be 35 when baby comes. Personally, I know I never would have been ready at any point in my life before now for a baby.
All my friends have babies/kids and are all done with having more. The good thing is that I get to pick their brains about every little thing.
Aside from the "advanced maternal age" crap of being 35, it's exactly the right fit for me/us so far. It's totally personal.
My Wedding Bio! Not updated in a LONG time!