Sex & Romance
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newlyweds with no sex life
My husband and I have been married for six 1/2 months. We were both virgins when we got married and our wedding night was of course, our first night together. We had an amazing honeymoon and I thought our sexual bliss would continue once we got home, but it didn't. My husband no longer seems interested in sex. Its as though he'd be fine if we never made love again. He's never said that, but nothing I do, wear, or say turns him on anymore. He's usually too tired or doesn't pick up on my hints that I really want to be with him. When we do have sex, it's over very fast and he never takes his time and enjoys the moment. We've discussed this so many times, and he says he'll work on it, but nothing changes. Am I doing something wrong or am I wrong to be concerned? Help!
Re: newlyweds with no sex life
Tell him that. Tell him that you feel like he's constantly turning you down and it makes you not want to try anymore. Tell him that when it does happen, he doesn't seem to take his time and enjoy the moment with you, which in turn makes you enjoy it less as well.
(Granted you need to keep in mind also that sex is not always going to this 2 hour long passionate romantic ordeal. Compromise.)
Tell him to slow down and enjoy the intimacy while you're doing it. Tell him directly what you want and need, he can't read your mind and since you were both virgins, he's probably pretty clueless.
Also, consider seeking couples counseling/sex therapy.
It is over fast because he's inexperienced. You learn by doing.
What you need are some instructional books and videos. Try a good bookstore; there ae mainstream "how to"s available.
YOu also need more communication. And he needs to SLOW DOWN and understand that women need foreplay. Men need none, but women do need it.
This. Also, do you think he may be suffering from a little performance anxiety? Some guys don't like "uncharted territory." Maybe he feels pressure to perform, but he feels unsure about what to do, or feels like he should be getting really good at it. Maybe he is having some of these feelings and so he avoids the uncomfortable situation?
Is he stressed out? Most people aren't much interested in sex if their mind is constantly ticking over a to-do list. This would explain why your honeymoon was great -- you were on vacation and had no obligations. Welcome back to the real world, honey. If he's working a lot and has a lot on his mind, then yeah, your sex life might not be his first priority. (Also, check out your diet. If you're eating crap, you're both gonna feel like crap.)
Don't HINT that you want to be with him. Grab him by his johnson and pull him into the bedroom. Call him at work and tell him that when he gets home, you're going to have a nice dinner made for him, and then you expect him to shag the living daylights out of you afterward.
Also, if he was a virgin when you married him, why are you surprised that he doesn't take his time and "enjoy the moment"? Newsflash: for most dudes, that's learned behavior. I can guarantee you that he doesn't light candles and talk sweet to himself when he's jerking off. Tell him that you need more time, or SHOW HIM what feels good to you and what you need from him.
And if he doesn't respond to any of the above...is there any chance he's cheating on you? Because that would be my concern if no amount of attempted communication made a difference.
We've discussed this so many times, and he says he'll work on it, but nothing changes.
What exactly have you discussed? Him not wanting sex or him not lasting long during sex? and how did this conversation go?
From the sounds of it, you've talked more about how fast sex is, and the thing about that is that he's not experienced, he doesn't know what you like, what you don't like and he's not exactly going to have the same amount of control as a man that's been doing it for years, he might not actually be ABLE to hold on. This might be freaking him out, he thinks that he's not pleasing you, he's embarrassed that he can't keep going for longer and so he avoids it altogether.
Really next time you have sex I'd just get him to slow down, don't let him inside you right away, work on the foreplay, when he's going too fast tell him you want it SLOW...
Is it possile that he is having a hard time changing to the mentality that sex is ok now?
I am assuming you waited till marriage b/c of religious reasons. (That's why my DH and I waited). You spend years thinking that sex is a sin, and the thing you want to do, but shouldn't. It takes lots of self control. It is difficult to just flip a switch once you are married and now sex is something you are allowed and should be doing.
Not that I have any advice, but that may give and him something additional to talk about.
That's so great you waited until your wedding night! We did, too, and I can't express how glad I am that we did.
There are some men that have really low testosterone, which is not normal. If you can try to go to a doctor and have his levels checked, it would be worth it. There are things he can take to bring it back up to normal. Probably he wonders why he's not interested, but of course that's embarrassing for him. Just always show him you accept and love him, and I'll pray that everything will get figured out. :-)
+1
Quote" or doesn't pick up on my hints that I really want to be with him. When we do have sex, it's over very fast and he never takes his time and enjoys the moment" Unquote
A few points here.
#1 Men can not read minds, multi-task, notice hints or "know" what they are supposed to do. You have to make direct eye contact and speak slowly and clearly with direct facts. They can't put two and two together unless they are working on an engine or something.
Men are visual. He can see you naked but he can't hear you say you are in a naked mood.
#2 Do you want to know that you are loved and wanted by having sex? or are you horny? Men respond rather to horny but hesitate around fluffy feelings. He maybe worried about "taking" you for sex when you actually don't want it.
#3 Your DH has been pulling his willy for years for relief of sexual tension. His mind and body has been trained for a quick wham bam, thankyou Mrs Palmer. Not for half an hour of love making.
#4 Reading between the lines would suggest you have yet to achieve an orgasm directly with DH. You have to quit being shy and tell DH what "rings you bell".
#5 DH maybe worried that you are being the good Christian girlfriend, fianc?e, wife. Then the Mother thing immediately after marriage
#6 DH is likely disappointed. After being a "good" virgin for so long. He was expecting that he had saved up some reward for super sex when marriage finally occurred.
Sorry, ain't so. You two have to start of as amateurs and figure out what works.
#7 DH maybe expecting from you everything a porn star does. And he isn't getting it and is overly disappointed, even pouting. You two will have to discuss expectations, better late than never.
Do you do "anything" for him or just lay still under the covers in the dark in the missionary position?
#8 Go act horny, do wild things and boff his brains out at least once a day.
What?! You are an idiot! To throw out a generalization about men like that is just stupid. My DH can certainly multi-task (better than I can sometimes) and I don't have to talk to him like he's a child. My DH also doesn't "hesitate around fluffy feelings". Sometimes he's the one who's in the mood for a slow, loving session.
You have made so many comments on this board that are stupid that I can't believe it.My husband and I also waited to have sex and the ability to wait has nothing to do with interest or non-interest in sex, it's a commitment that we both made because we felt it was best for the health of our marriage. His problem could be intimacy-related, not sex-related.
I didn't see anyone else mention this, so I'm going to "go there" because this is an important aspect of your marriage so you should consider all possibilities when looking for a solution.
Consider that pornography use is a very prevalent problem in our culture and an issue for a lot of men. Have an honest conversation with him about whether he's using pornography or masturbating; it's a lot easier to obtain sexual release from such means than it is to have sex with a human, considering their needs in addition to your own. That's why I say "intimacy issue" rather than "sex issue." Try not to be judgmental and remember that this is an issue in a lot of marriages.
I hope this is not the case in your marriage but I thought I should bring it up. Good luck!
Honey, I'm old enough to be your Mom. In the next twenty years you too will see, hear much and reconsider many concepts. I also was highly idealistic and seen the world in black and white. Instead of shades of grey.
Working around trades men all day for years put a different slant on men. Compared to when I worked in a government office with girls.
Yes, because obviously from your experience that means that all men in the world are just like this. Seriously, your generalizations are ridiculous.
If you have spoke to him about this and things still haven't changed then yes, I think you should be concerned.
Perhaps you should try taking the lead and plan a very romantic and sexy evening-show him how its done. If that still doesn't work, maybe couseling is the right way to go. good luck!
I was where you are at. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. Then his interest seemed to slack off. I know part of that was due to the death of his mother, moving, and having large money problems.
One thing I did that I think helped him be more aware of the amount of sex we were having and who initiated it was putting that information on a calendar in our bath room. Put yours in a private place where you know he'll see it. Assuming your names don't start with the same letter, it would go something like this:
SB - meaning sex initiated by you
SH - meaning sex initiated by your husband
I also forced myself (as much as I could) to make sure we alternated in who initiated. At the beginning, this was very hard to do and you could tell that there was a week plus time after I initiated until he did. Generally it was a couple of days between his initiate and mine. Anyway, you get the point.
My husband felt bad because he didn't last longer. The book "Intended for Pleasure" has a very good instruction manual on the squeeze technique that has really helped with the premature ejaculation problem. There are other very good points in this book - especially about how he can and should please you. My husband thought initially that when he was done (having orgasmed) that I was naturally done. He didn't understand that my orgasm was just as important as his. Eventually, going through the book, he has become a much better lover. It just takes time for a husband to learn what to do.
I realize this is a lot. I hope that you can use one and/or the other of this advice. It helped my husband and I. I hope it helps you.
I think there are many possible sources for the problem(s) here, but many of them will be rectified in time. That does not mean leave well enough alone and it will fix itself, that is not what I mean. I think that there is a possibility he isn't sexually comfortable yet. Time can help ease him into the mentality that you are his wife, and sex is okay. (A PP said something like this, and I agree, it is very common.)
This early on if he feels there is any criticism to the way he performs, it might haunt him. Some men can just shrug it off, others cannot. If he is your best friend, he may feel like your roles with one another have changed. Or, that you are criticizing him when he is the most vulnerable. (I'm not saying you are, but I do not know how he feels. Only we know the rhythm of our hearts, after all.)
One thing I would try are 'tender times.' These are times when sex is not really an option. Maybe you're getting ready for work or in the middle of making dinner, he is on the phone, etc. Kiss his neck. Hug him from behind. Kiss him passionately in the car before you run into the store.
As your marriage grows, I can tell you these moments are the details that can carry you. When times are tough, those moments in the bathroom brushing our teeth and holding hands have meant so much more than the nights tearing up the sheets.
This is more than just sex. It's affection and intimacy, and you both need to work on it. You can be affectionate and intimate without having sex, just as much as you can have sex without being affectionate or truly intimate.
He needs to know he can make mistakes. Over the course of your marriage you could have people walk in on you, the doorbell ring, the phone going off, falling off a bed, a giggling fit, bad breath, calf cramps, a kid vomiting outside the door, a whole host of things. Each night isn't going to be Shangri-La, and that idea can be very intimidating if he has performance anxiety. Sometimes those few minutes on a guest bed before going down to Christmas breakfast are the zest in the meringue of life! Embrace them.
THIS. Plus, it sounds like headlines from trashy (entertaining? sure. reliable sources for solid advice? not so much) sex/romance magazines.
stop with the sutle ( sorry if it is spelled wrong) hints and do this wear his favorite sports jersey and no panties on.. and bend over and say come touch me baby.or just jump his bones or a midnight bj