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4 year old son boycotting babysitters
I am a stay at home mom and have two children ages 2 and 4. My husband and I usually go out to dinner together twice a month, but we haven't been out for over a month due to my son's anxiety around having a baby sitter.
He has had the same sitter since my daughter was 3 months old. There doesn't seem to be any problems with this particular sitter he just doesn't want us to leave because he will miss us to much.
The last time we tried to go out (about a month ago) when my sister was visiting he was crying so much he almost threw up and we ended up staying home. He used to look forward to having the baby sitter come they would have popcorn and had their own routine. I don't know if this is just a phase...but its gong to be a long winter with no nights out with my husband.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Re: 4 year old son boycotting babysitters
It's hard. I know.
But the only way he will learn to get past this behavior and deal with his anxiety is by giving him the opportunity to practice being with a sitter.
By giving in to his upset, you sent him a very clear message that you don't think he can be OK with a babysitter. You've also sent a pretty clear message that a tantrum is an effective form of manipulation at your house even if that wasn't his intent the first time.
I'd start with baby steps. Maybe get a sitter he knows well and go out sometime for an hour or two during the day while your DH is already out of the house. Then try a few hours in the evening. And finally go together.
This is what worked to get my DS past this anxiety.
When you come back, is he asleep? If so, I'd try doing an outing where you're gone a short time during a period where he's awake. Let him know clearly when you'll be back (e.g., "We'll be back right after you're done watching Cars!") And stick to it. He's probably afraid you aren't going to come back, some having some positive experiences seeing you come home when promised.
Also try some counter-conditioning. Right now he associates you leaving with fear and anxiety. You need to replace that with more positive feelings. You leaving should be the best experience ever! Pizza! Ice cream! A new toy! In time, you back off these. You just need to break that leave=anxiety association.
Yes, you coming back when he gets upset will make the behavior worse, not better. So here are some actual suggestions to help you get through it.
If you are confident that the sitter is not abusing your child in your absence, leave when you want to and have a good time. So he cries till he pukes. OH WELL. Bet he doesn't do it more than once .
What you don't do is give in to blackmail, which (presuming your babysitter is a decent person) is exactly what this is. "I don't want you to leave so I'll get so upset I'll puke THEN you'll be sorry" is pure nonsense. Who makes your decisions for you in your house? It had better be you, not your four year old.
It seems odd to me that he's suddenly feeling this anxiety at this age.
Are you sure nothing has happened between him and the sitter. I don't even mean abuse necessarily, it could be something as simple as the sitter being firm with him over his bedtime, or something where he hasn't gotten his way.
I'd want to be clear in my mind about whether any incident has sparked this.
I get that you want your kid to feel secure, but I agree with pp that you don't want him to learn that throwing tantrums gets him his way.
Has he been an anxious child in the past? or is this completely new?
He always has been anxious about change, he was cliny as a baby and has gotten more independent in the last year. He doesn't seem to be able to pinpoint why he feels this way now about his sitter. It does seem like his anxiety is getting the better of him.
I had forgotton to ad in my first post that the last time we did go out was to a concert and it was a long time away from home. So I think having a clear beginning and ending would probably help.
Is this child in a preschool program? Does he thrive there?
The level of anxiety your are reporting coupled with the ability to sustain a 5 hour meltdown is concerning. You might want to touch base with your pedi if this sort of behavior trends into other areas of his life. Does he have a need to have things a way, wear certain clothes, persnickity eating, difficulty transitioning?
DS went through a phase like this with sitters - although maybe not to the same extreme, he did not want me leaving him. He is still very shy and socially anxious - doesn't like to try new things, new experiences. My pedi is not concerned, and I have a lot of friends who say their sons were similar, and they grew out of it (but by age 9!).
I would not give in, only b/c it's not healthy for him to never have you leave - he has to learn sooner or later. If you won't be able to enjoy yourself, then make it a short "date' - a movie, a quick dinner, etc. My son is still shy, but he did get over not wanting me to leave.
Also, if he is not in pre-K, I would start him in a program. You don't want him to enter kindergarten never having left your side! Even a few days a week for 1/2 day is a good start. If he meets any friends, have them over for playdates.
Also, although this sitter might not be "mean," or abusive, you might want to try other sitters. This sitter might not be a good fit for him - maybe she pays too much attention to the baby, etc. Have a girl over a few times as a "mother's helper" and if your son likes her have her join the sitting rotation. ,
I realy enjoy being my DD's whole world and being able to sooth her and keep her safe. It brings me great joy to raise a daughter with such a great bond. But even at age 2, I also know I need to teach her to be in the world apart from me, for her emotional development and well being. The thing is, you're not some "bad mother" who's enjoying herself when she knows her child is crying. What you're doing is teaching and reinforcing resilience and self-soothing. It's difficult for everyone and hopefully learned quickly, bu it does need to be learned. The mother-child bond is quite powerful and I wonder if he's picking up on some need of yours to be needed this much. Are you teaching him that he is safe and you want him to be okay while you are away?
It's also worth mentioning that the time you spend with your husband, as a couple, is quite valuable. And you are sending a clear message to yourself, your husbad and even to your children that it is not as important as your relationship with your son. Your children are your priority, and as such, it is in their best interest to have parents who have a strong relationship and nuture it with adult time, dates and bonding experiences. You said the winter would be long without permission from your son to date - it will also be cold.
I have a different point of view - not as the mother, but as the child. I would become very anxious, cry, and beg my parents not to leave when I was younger. I know that it really hurt my mom when I got upset like this, but she always promised that she'd come back and that she was never more than a phone call away. Sometimes I would call her just to chat for a few minutes. That would calm me.
Regardless, I had to learn. One of the biggest things she would do when I started in on the anxiety and upsetment was to distract me. She'd put on a good movie, she ask my sister to take me in a different room and play a game, or she'd ask me to show the baby sitter something that I really enjoyed, etc...
I was slightly older when this problem arose so she was also able to explain to me what was wrong. She taught me to identify the difference between anxiety and a real problem then taught me ways to calm myself down. That's a bit much for a four year old, I think. But learning coping mechanisms, however they are taught, is so important. I still use those coping mechanisms I learned so many years ago.
Ha! I just posted a thread asking on advice on how to deal with this same situation (only from the babysitter's point of view). It appears that it's normal for something like this to occur. I know my sister went through a phase like this and my nephew is now.
I don't have any kids of my own so I can't give any advice in regards to their growth and development. However, I do think that you need to find some way to get out and enjoy yourself without your children. Everyone needs a break from their normal routine. I need a girls' night out sometimes and it's much easier with just my DH and two cats than it would be with children. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. If anything it means you're being a good parent because taking the time to de-stress and keep your marriage in good order will only make your family stronger. Good luck!
This is obnoxious. This isn't normal child tantrum behavior. If it was, it wouldn't persist for four hours after the parents leave. Not every outburst is a kid being manipulative. Sometimes there are deeper issues at hand.
If the your child cries to the point of vomiting or is crying for hours on end after you leave, things will get worse, not better. Talk to your pedi about some positive behavior modification techniques you can try. You won't be homebound forever. He can get past this; he just needs some help to learn how.
And tying the anxiety to a punishment (if you cry the whole time we're gone, you'll be in BIG trouble) will also make it worse.
I am kind of horrified by how many people are saying he is just manipulating you and you are letting him "win" by giving in to the tantrum.
Obviously you need to be able to go out on a date, and leave him with a sitter. But he is obviously having some pretty bad anxiety, so I think just making him "suck it up" is the wrong approach. We want our kids to be able to trust us, and feel like they can depend on us when things are scary.
Personally, I would slowly ease him back into it. Try a new sitter, or the same one. Try a few hours when you are at home, playing in a different part of the house. Try a quick run to the store. If the problem still persists after that, talk to your pedi.
I have had people suggest trying gym daycares, where you can take him several times a week, and only for 20 minutes to start, and build up. And you are right there if he gets upset, and can calm him down quickly. The key is to make it a positive experience, and let it get to the point of a giant melt-down. Talk it up and offer a reward afterwards.
A friend of mine is a therapist and she says it is a hallmark of their increasing intelligence that as they get into the older preschool ages, kids can get more upset about these things as they get older, because they are more able to anticipate the sitter coming and have more time to get themselves worked up in advance. Whereas a 2 year old has no clue that a sitter is about to show up, then *bam* sitter is here, mom is gone but wait! I'm having fun!
Good luck. Take it slow, and give yourself and your kids a break! You will get through this.
Personally I giggled a little when I saw this. It is clearly old school and maybe a bit harsh, but there is some truth to it. You do need to figure out how to have date nights with your husband. I wouldn't let my child cry for hours on end, especially if it is occuring more often than not. I think a kid crying for a little bit is normal, but being completely inconsolable is not. So, I second talking with your pedi. Try a new sitter just to see if there is a better fit. Define what time you will be back and stick with it.
Another poster was touching upon this, but are there other aspects of your child's life that result in such dramatic responses? Does he have difficulty transitioning from one activity to the next? Do you rehearse what is going to happen next? How does he do socially? Has he even been tested for autism?
Could your son possibly be jealous that you and your husband want alone time? When he was younger maybe he didn't realize that the sitter being with him translated into you and your DH being alone, doing somethign else, without him?
I'd take the approach that Sue suggested, but I guess that makes me a mean @ss.