Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family Drama
My husband I are recently married (8-28-10) My mother in law has suffered a severe brain injury about 2 years ago. She's been managing quite well and will never be able to work again. In July she was evicted from her brothers house and has been living with us since. My husbands grandmother fell while my mother in law was unable to care for her because of her eviction. Which placed the grandmother in the rehab facility. Needless to say come Thursday she is being released and now staying in our home. So I will now have to work from home and help take care of her. My mother in law and I have been bumping heads constantly. Unfortunately workman comp isn't paying her enough to take care of her own bills and a rental. I'm tired and exhausted and stressed. My husbands tired of everything so there's no talking. I knew marriage was going to be hard but I didn't think it was going to be like this.
Re: Family Drama
What does this mean? He doesn't want to address the issue?
What kind of public aid have you looked into for your MIL and DH's grandmother?
Yeeeeah... I get that he doesn't want to battle it out... But I don't want to go to work every day (..and yet here I am). Your husband is completely avoiding the situation, which is making everything a whole lot worse. On top of everything else, you have a BIG husband problem.
Is your husband/husbands family by chance of a culture where taking family into one's home is expected?
I also understand that grandma doesn't want to go into a nursing home, but that doesn't mean that she automatically gets to live with you. Why can't MIL and grandma get an apartment together (...is she your MIL's mother?)? Have you talked with your city about food stamps and other aid that she could receive if she lived on her own?
There are ways of helping MIL receive support without actually having her in the home.
Why are YOU stuck? This is your husband's grandmother and mother, but you're the one doing all the work--taking care of them and trying to find resources for them? Why is that? What is your husband doing, and why are you letting him get away with doing as little as he appears to be doing?
My husband and I have our own business and he works much more then I do to support the household and I'm trying to manage the house. He was also diagnosed with high blood pressure at the age of 27. Therefore I'd like to keep the stress down for him. He has had numerous talks with her about her behavior and her attitude and she says ok and then continues. His family is Polish. My MIL's sister is coming here for xmas and she didn't even ask to stay at our house. So now I'll have 5 adults 3 dogs and a cat for a week. So yea I guess they do have a culture where they think they can come and stay as they please or when they please.
My SIL has been taking my MIL to look for an apt but hasn't had much luck. My SIL doesn't work and has been the designated driver she's been helping out a lot. But on a down side we are stuck babysitting when she's out being the DD. So now we are just waiting to find somthing suitable for the both of them. Food Stamps....she could get food stamps once she lives on her own but is unable to do so at my house. What kins of support could there actually be. She does get pace handicapped transportation.
You're only as stuck as you want to be.
You don't HAVE to work from home and take care of MIL or grandma. Grandma might not want to stay in a nursing home, but its a reality she'll have to face.
I would tell your H you're not going to work from home to take care of your MIL. Working from home means WORKING from home, not taking care of people who can't care for themselves (such as children or MILs or grandmas) while you are paid a salary!
TELL your dh that the situation is not working for you, and he'll have to come up with another solution. You will not be working from home as planned, you'll leave the house for 8 hours b/c it works better for you. If your H doesn't want to play on your team, let the entire burden fall on his hands.
Check the senior services in your area. Your mil may qualify for senior housing or a visits from a health aide. She might not WANT to live in senior housing, but she gets what she gets.
I think you're taking this to the extreme. You're clearly unhappy with this situation, and it's affecting your marriage. It needs to be addressed.
People with high blood pressure need to watch their stress level, yes. But life is stressful. He doesn't get a free pass on life and conflict because he has high blood pressure.
If he's refusing to address this, he's resigned to let you be unhappy in the marriage and your living situation. That's terrible.
Can you take over more of the business operations so your husband can stay home and care for his mother? I get that he's stressed out, but that's not an excuse to check out. He's married now, so he doesn't have the luxury of sticking his head in the sand and not talking about problems. You're stressed out, too, and you're bending over backwards to take care of his family.
As for your MIL's sister, your husband needs to tell her that she has to stay in a hotel if she's coming to town. Also, you can look into respite care to get a break from the grind at home.
I think this has less to do with Polish culture and more to do with your husband not seeing you as an equal in the marriage. Also, did the two of you talk about how you would handle it when his mom could no longer live on her own and needed such involved caretaking?
It sounds like marriage counseling would be beneficial. It will help get you and your husband on the same page, and a counselor might be able to direct you to some resources to help your MIL.
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I just wanted to tell you that I know how stressful this situation can be. My mother suffered a brain injury over 10 years ago and we still deal with the effects of this daily.
Several questions for you:
Have you all consulted a lawyer (even through legal aid) to discuss disability/SS options? There are financial resources out there that can be fought for.
Is your MIL still seeking professional help from a doctor? If not, she probably should be seeing several people.
Have you looked into any caregiver support services in your area? There are generally some support groups/adult day care/etc. type services available in most areas.
Like I said, I have been here with my own family and my husband helps me cope with my mother on a regular basis. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. Hope it gets better for you and your family.
My father has had high blood pressure since he was in high school, he's managed to not only live a normal life, but excell in an extremely high pressure career. DH has had high blood pressure since he was in high school as well, the only effect it's had in his life is that he needs to take a pill each morning.
If OP really believes she needs to treat her DH with kid gloves because of high blood pressure, then I'm wondering exactly what is so wrong with her grandMIL? Maybe a hyperactive thyroid? Slight case of asthma? Old age?
OP: You don't *have* to do any of this, you are choosing to do it. Stop just letting life happen to you, take some control, and actually choose to live the life you want.
I agree with the previous suggestion about a lawyer. Years ago my mother applied for disability and we had gotten so frustrated with the process until we found a lawyer who specialized in SSI/Disability. It took about a year and a half, but he successfully filed a second claim on her behalf.
And I also found it very helpful and supportive to have help from the staff. There were a few frustrating situations I had to struggle with, but got a lot of information when I needed it.