Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is my SIL asking too much, or am I selfish??
Okay, I've been lurking for a while, but this has become a conundrum that I'd like some advice on, if possible. Sorry - it's a bit long...
Some background: my BIL (DH's brother) and his wife have two kids, ages 7 and nearly 5. They don't tell them no, don't discipline them; the kids have very little structure in their lives. So their behavior is... less than respectful sometimes. Despite this, they are very smart little cookies, and still pretty adorable. But they can get pretty out of control.
DH and I have been planning a trip to his home country (where all his family save his parents and bro live) for just after Christmas for a while. His parents are already there, and on this visit, my parents will also be joining us. BIL and SIL don't have the funds this year, so they aren't able to go. We were all planning on having "Christmas" in January when we got back - at least, that was the plan.
I got a message from SIL about a week ago, asking whether there was any way that we (DH, BIL, SIL, me and kids) could get together before we went to visit my family for Christmas and then left for our trip abroad. I should mention that usually the only time we hear from BIL and/or SIL is when they need something. So, she says something along the lines of "I want you guys to have a relationship with our kids, especially this time of year." We live about 4.5 hours away, so we probably don't visit as often as we would like - something which SIL knows I feel guilty about. So - after feeling a little like I was manipulated - I talk it over with DH, get a little more time off work, and agree to visit them.
Last night, I get another message from SIL, "suggesting" that DH and I take the kids out by ourselves for a few hours of fun when we visit, so that she and BIL "can have some fun too." While I understand that part of the point of our visit was to spend more time with the kids, we were honestly planning on just hanging out with them all day at home - playing games, watching movies, maybe running around in the snow, etc. And this just feels like we're being asked to come so we can babysit for them. Normally I wouldn't hesitate, but - as mentioned above - these kids don't really respect adults, and really like to do their own thing. The idea of taking them somewhere in public makes me kind of anxious.
So, am I being selfish for just wanting to hang out at the house with everyone? I honestly don't know how to say no to her without sounding like a big, selfish jerk... I'm feeling a little manipulated here, and just need another perspective.
Thanks!
Re: Is my SIL asking too much, or am I selfish??
Have you talked to your H about this? If so, how does he feel about being the babysitter for those hours? I agree that it could potentially be a bit manipulative, but if they really do want this visit to strengthen your relationship with the kids, this might be their solution to the issue. It's hard to say. Does she have a history of manipulative behavior?
Not trying to be snarky, but grow a spine already. I get you don't want to piss her off, but you can't complain about "feeling manipulated" when you know how she is and know you don't stand up to her. Being manipulated takes two: one to manipulated, and one to take it.
And really, your DH should be jumping in here. It's his sister.
I would just stick to the original plan. I would tell her that with all of the arrangements to leave the country, life is just too crazy to visit before Christmas.
What does your DH say about this?
It does sound like they want you to babysit so that they can have some time alone. I might probe on this. Call her and ask how things are going. Tell her that her comment "so we can have some fun too" started you wondering if BIL and her need some time alone. Sympathize that with three kids, alone time must be at a premium. Tell her that you are more than willing to make babysitting fees or a night in a special hotel your Christmas present to them, because at a 4.5 hour drive, they can't wait for you guys to have some romance in their lives.
Ditto Karen. These people are taking advantage of you because you let them. Why would you feel guilty about not visiting often if you are living 4.5 hours away from them? I don't get it. Relationships are a two way street.
And then you say AFTER you felt manipulated, you agree to take off work and visit them. You are giving into them. Stand up for yourself and start using the word no.
BTW, it is ok to be selfish.
Sorry I should have mentioned that - I have talked to my husband. He's had a history with his brother - who is a pretty aloof, kind of selfish person, and has left my husband hanging or taken advantage of him a lot in the past - and he was pretty upset. He definitely wants to say no - that we'd rather just hang out all of us together.
They do have a history of manipulative behavior - they usually only contact us when they want something. We live in a bigger city, and they'll call us on their way, asking for a place to crash, when we haven't heard from them in months. They're very last-minute about things, so we're usually put on the spot in these requests.
And I know I should grow a spine
But for me, family is very important, so I don't want to damage our relationship.
And I know I should grow a spine
But for me, family is very important, so I don't want to damage our relationship.
OK, so what do you want then?
If you are AFRAID to stand up for yourself becuase you think it is ok for family to manipulate you than just stop complaining about it.
Last I checked having the same blood does not give anyone to take advantage of you.
If it were me, I'd probably just cancel and tell them that you're very sorry, something came up, and you'll get in touch when you come home from your trip abroad.
The cliche statement here is, "you teach people how to treat you." You've taught them that they can get away with crashing at your home last minute, using you as babysitters, etc in the past, and that's how they're treating you now. Change the lesson and eventually, maybe, their treatment of you will change. If not, however, at least you'll have your dignity.
Good luck.
So, in this relationship, they get to behave as poorly as they want, take advantage of you all they want, but you have to bend over and take it whenever and however they say so as not to "damage the relationship?!" I suggest that if this relationship is damaged by you politely but firmly declining their request, it isn't much of a relationship to begin with.
Why do you feel so compelled to bend over for people who, by your own admission, are manipulative and only call you when they want something?
Are you suggesting that if you politely but firmly decline their request for you to babysit that you will be banished from the family and never allowed to have a relationship with the children? Really?
You say it's important to you to maintain a relationship with the kids. I agree. And although "in person" is great, what's more important here is consistency. So a weekly or bi-weekly phone call, or a Skype call... a postcard when you're out of town... an occasional gift or card "just because" - those are things that will build and strengthen the relationship in a much healthier manner than willingly going to be manipulated and taken advantage of by their parents. Because the latter teaches them that they too can be manipulative and still get what they want. Make the contact on your terms, not on the parents', and you'll be teaching the kids a much better life lesson than by kowtowing to their parents' every request.
I don't get why you have to respond to her at all. It's an email from someone who rarely communicates with you. It's easy enough to blow off the request.
If pressed, I don't get why you wouldn't say, "Oh, I wouldn't dream of leaving you guys. We've gone to all these extra efforts, we were looking forward to seeing and spending the time with you, too."
It's worht saying, if things are as bad as you describe, I would probably want to get out of the house and take the kids to a long movie. It's an easy diversion to pack them into the car, drive to the theate, load them up with popcorn and sodas and watch the big screen for an hour and a half. Sounds a lot better than the chaos of unruly kids in a house. I would NOT manage then in a restaurant and I would NOT choose a venue that wasn't super kid-friendly. And I WOULD call their mother to come get them if/when they didn't follow my directions. You are not the hired nanny who has to figure it out, you are the aunt and uncle who dumps them back on their parents when their behavior dictates it.
If you want a relationship with the kids, it's not going to create a better relationship if you visit at Christmastime (with the expectation of gifts) than any other time of the year. In fact, the holidays are so stressful, I think it's the WORST time to try to create a relationship (save for, maybe a wedding!)
Either respond "no," to your SIL or have your H do it.
If you want a good relationship with kids who don't behave, visit in the summer when you can take them to a park or somewhere they can be active and the most you will have to spend is $3 for an ice cream cone!
Oh, and have DH call them and say that unfortunately your boss is making you work this week, so you won't be able to visit until after you return from vacation, as originally planned.
Invest your time with people who give as well as take!
Just tell her you and your husband are busier than you expected to be and you just won't be able to fit in your visit before your trip, and you're looking forward to seeing them in January as originally planned. It sounds like if you give these people an inch, they'll take a mile. If they keep pushing you to babysit, just tell them, "Sorry, but we've been so busy lately we just want to spend our holiday break relaxing." They chose to have children. You are not obligated to give them a break from taking care of their own children. If they want a night out, they can pay a babysitter.
I get that family is important, but obviously BIL and SIL don't feel the same way. If they did, you would hear from them more often, not just when they wanted free babysitters for their bratty kids. If you have a hard time saying no, just remember that they know exactly what they're doing. It's not that they're sometimes inadvertently inconsiderate; they are deliberately manipulating you.
And really, your husband should be the one taking the lead on all of this, since it's his family.
Going against the group here, but it sounds as if the decision has already been made and you are going. Now is time to make the best of it.
If maintaining a relationship with the kids is important to you, but you don't want to take the brats out in public could you say something along the lines of "If you guys want to get out of the house for a couple of hours, that is fine. We will just hang out with the kids there while you do your thing." That way you can still watch movies, play games, etc... Then if it is as horrifying as you think it may be, you will know never to do it again. And if your lucky, maybe they will be more respectful when their parents aren't around. I know sometimes my own kids can be brats, but everyone tells us when we aren't around that they are really well behaved. Good luck!
I do think you're being manipulated. But you've already pretty much fallen into the trap this year. For future reference, don't reveal your guilt about not seeing these kids often "enough" when you talk to your SIL. It gives her the ammo she needs to manipulate you. Feel as guilty as you want; just don't express your guilt to her.
For this trip, you need to really assess how uncomfortable you are with the idea of being in charge of these kids. Then your DH should inform his bro and wife of your mutual decision.
If you are really uncomfortable being with them at all, then suggest that you can't wait to visit, but that since you don't see them all that often, you're really uncomfortable watching them solo.
If you want to try babysitting, maybe offer to watch the kids at their home while BIL and SIL go out to dinner, or something. It's generally much easier to handle kids in their own house than to take them on the road, esp with carseats and questionable behavior.
FWIW, if you do decide to babysit them, kids this age just crave structure. Don't hesitate to tell them, "Hey, when we're in charge the rules are ____________. If you want us to play with you, you need to follow our rules." Don't worry about it if that's not the rules their parents make them obey. Then let the kids decide. They can either be antisocial on their own, or follow your rules and have your attention. This works very well with most kids.
You could say something along the lines of you're not comfortable staying with them until you know them better, and you'd like to see them over the holidays too. If she pushes, you can simply say no, you're not okay with that.
Good luck!
Let your H babysit by himself. You go out while they are having date night. See a movie or go to Starbuck's.
It will be the last time your H sits, or is asked to sit, and you won't be the bad guy. Trust me, if anything goes wrong while you sit, it will be YOUR fault. I wouldn't be surprised if the kids break something and you're expected to pay for it.
And if you do go, cancel the post-vacation visit.
This leaves me curious about one thing...How out of control are these kids that (if she is just manipulating you for babysitting) she has exhausted all other babysitters within a 4.5 hour radius?
Probably just the free ones!
First off, you bend over backwards by taking extra time off work to drive 4.5 hours up to see them before Christmas and before your trip. That is really going to a lot of trouble. Now on top of that, they want you to babysit their kids. They are basically using you, they are not thinking about you developing a "close relationship" with their kids.
I would cancel, I don't think you need to come up with a reason. Just have your DH send them an email or call that you changed your mind or "something has come up" or your too busy getting ready for your trip and just forget about them. From your two posts they are not worth your time.