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IL Drama - FIL hit BIL (long)
My DH plays football every Sunday morning with some friends. BIL (DH's younger brother - 20 yrs old) is home from college for Christmas break and DH asked him to play. I am at home eating breakfast when DH calls and says in so many words that BIL came to the field upset and said he had a fight with FIL & MIL and would be coming over to our house to cool down and possibly spend the night.
BIL shows up at our door, in tears and emotionally distraught. DH was still at the football field and would be coming home shortly. I try and comfort BIL offering him food and telling him everything would be OK and if he wants to talk, that I am here, and if not, he can just regroup. BIL starts to tell me snippets of the argument saying that it all began because BIL wanted to go play football with DH and FIL & MIL wanted him to accompany them to church. BIL did as he was told, skipped football and went to church. For some reason, the fight escaladed from there and FIL really started getting on BIL's case to which BIL swore at him and went to walk away. FIL then takes a swing at BIL, striking him in the head.
BIL was at our home crying and upset - I don't think he was actually *hurt* physically, just moreso emotionally that FIL would hit him and say the things he said. The IL's are supposedly always on BIL's case with college and just life in general. They are very controlling people. BIL is a very bright and good kid.
Fast forward - DH, BIL and myself are at our house hanging out when MIL calls our home. DH answers and basically MIL isn't concerned with BIL's whereabouts of if he's OK - she just starts to 'gossip' and tell DH all about the fight they had earlier. DH is trying to not encourage her, so she says her bit and then gets off the phone pretty quickly.
In the meantime, MIL has began texting BIL (more like harassing him) telling him that he is at fault and she won't be able to sleep tonight unless he comes home. BIL caves and goes home.
Today BIL texts me giving me an update that he and MIL had a 'talk' last night. He said he is still very angry because she still cannot see where her and FIL are to blame - but only blame him. He said FIL is giving him the silent treatment, which he does with every fight.
The whole situation just angers/frustrates me to the core. BIL is like a little brother to me, and I hate that this is happening. I feel powerless. This wasn't the first time FIL has hit him he told me. FIL has a history with violence and when DH was younger and lived at home, the two of them got into it a few times.
DH and I have only gotten involved by opening our home to BIL if/when he needs it allowing him to crash with us when he's home from breaks. Neither of us have said anything to IL's trying to not intervene. DH and I are hosting a Christmas morning brunch at our home and BIL, IL's and some of my family are coming over. I am just sick to think about seeing the IL's.
DH and I are trying to not get too involved. Is that wrong of us? Should we/DH be doing more?
Re: IL Drama - FIL hit BIL (long)
This, and to build on FestiveGal's answer... you and DH should come up with a plan on what to do should something happen at your Christmas party. What is and is not acceptable, how will you handle it, etc. Talk about it, agree on it ahead of time... just in case.
I don't think any good would come of you and DH attempting to involve yourselves in the situation.
I would only remind your BIL that he is welcome in your home when he is home on breaks if he prefers not to stay with his parents.
This is a good point, Karen. DH and I don't want IL's to stir any drama and just want us all to have a nice, drama-free Christmas (if there really is such a thing, right!). We debated on whether or not we should 'uninvite' them fearing that they would let this incident and tension carry over into the holiday, but knowing them, that would just cause more drama so we opted against it.
DH is very good with knowing what to say and when to say it - so I'm not worried about that. I just...want.this.all.to.stop. We were (for the most part) trying to make the most of BIL being over - trying to cheer him up and refocus our minds on other things and then like clock-work, MIL calls to once again stir the pot. *Sigh*...I just feel like we can (DH & I) can never escape it. I know, I know, I am letting her have too much control...but I am the type of person that gets too invested and cares and cannot just 'ignore' things happening around me, you know?
Thank you for your advice though - that is definitely a convo that DH and I should have in more depth.
Thank you, Mrs. Rad. You're definitely right about that. DH tells me that it's better to just answer when MIL calls the first time and then be done with it. She has a history of calling nonstop and then he was thinking she may have even driven over to our house if we didn't answer. Knowing her and how she is, I understand where he's coming from but I also don't think it's doing any good 'feeding the zoo animal' so-to-speak, lol. DH and I have to really work on that. She's a headache, for sure, but we'll just have to learn to bite the bullet.
He's 20 years old and in college. Just reinforce that he needs to keep his grades up and graduate so he can get the hell away and out from under his father's thumb.
Nothing says freedom better than a paycheck.
Livingitup, you're absolutely right. You cannot put a price on freedom & independence! I would rather scrape than be back living with a parent - but that's just me. BIL currently does not have a job, so he is fully supported and dependent on IL's financially. They use this to their advantage and it gives them a power trip. Now, I know BIL is a great student and is taking on a difficult major - but DH and I tell him to get some form of income, even if it's just 10 hours a week at a coffee shop on campus. DH is in the banking field and has told BIL to apply for student loans so that he will build credit and also be more of an adult in IL's eyes. All we can do is give constructive advice - it's up to BIL on what he wants to do with it.
This.... and just remind BIL that you are there for him. UNLESS he comes over bleeding... then I would call the cops on that Ba$tard FIL. And stop answering the phone when MIL calls.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Thank you, SaraElizabeth. I was furious when BIL told me he got hit. Even though he wasn't in any pain and did not have a mark, he was still very hurt - just emotionally. Just the idea that FIL took a swing at him with the *attempt* to hurt him, angers me to the core. He is a weak man. I actually still wanted to go to the police - but felt that was BIL & DH's call, not mine. But, if this happens again...I don't know that I can hold back.
They both are at fault.
BIL is young and likely under a lot of pressure at school (academically and or socially - it's just a difficult time in life). Very easy for parents to forget that experience.
However, BIL is not a child and has the right to make his own choices, and deciding which choices are going to require a personal sacrifice...like choosing to please his parents by attending church instead of a football game. If he had just made that decision, fine. But then he can't sulk and complain to the point that going to church with his family has to continue to be tense or an argument. If he was going to be off about it, he should have chosen the game instead.
He cursed at his parents. Quite honestly, an adult child shouldn't do that anymore than a parent raise their hand to said adult child. In the parent's mind that predicated the impulsive reaction. If we are to excuse one person's impulsive attack we have to excuse the other. If we are to hold one accountable for their impulsive attack, then we also have to hold the other accountable for their impulsive attack.
Normally, I would say not to get involved - and I still would not unless you and or your husband are able to do so without raising your voices in frustration. If you think you can go impartially and speak with everyone involved, then go ahead and try to help "translate" what either side is hearing/doing.