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mil makes me crazy! any advice on how to deal?
this is a long one so bear with me!
my husband and i are expecting our first child in march. we're young, so we knew that the reaction from his very conservative parents wasn't going to be ideal. however, his mother went around to family and family friends saying horrible things about me. she refused to speak with us for about four months.
about a month before our wedding she suddenly had an epiphany and became overly involved in our lives. suddenly she was buying things and getting offended if we didn't want to accept them simply because we don't have the room, or didn't want to have three sets of sheets. she started calling me every other day in the middle of me trying to work or get things done for the wedding. to top it all off she never gave a real apology about the hateful things that were said. i'm all for forgive and forget but when a person goes and says that the worst thing that could happen to her son was for him to have a baby with me and get married since i tricked him into all of it, well it's a little hard to stomach. to top it all off she's now very buddy buddy with my stepmother, a woman who went so far as to demand that my mother not walk down the aisle alongside me and my father because it gave the appearance that they were "together". (mind you my parents have been divorced for ten years, my dad remarried for six). she calls her and has long discussions with her about who knows what, something my mother and i are very uncomfortable with.
for his sake i went ahead and sucked it up and continue to see her and take her phone calls and graciously accept all the excess items she gives us. but now that i'm getting closer to my due date i'm starting to stress about her over involvement in our day to day lives. of course i want her to know her grandson, but that doesn't mean i want her to show up at our home or constantly offer her unwanted advice on how i should or shouldn't be taking care of him. all in all i get frustrated any time i'm around her because she 1. feels the need to offer her opinion on every minor detail of our lives and 2. she is constantly hounding my husband on his "attitude" or his decisions, in fact, the other day she screamed at him because we went to eat at $15.00 meal at jims rather than drive through mcdonalds and get something off the dollar menu.
it's getting to be ridiculous and i don't know what i can or cannot do anymore. i feel like i'm much to busy and much to pregnant for this! help!
Re: mil makes me crazy! any advice on how to deal?
I don't understand why your husband expects you to just put up with someone who said horrible things to you, nevermind that she never apologized for it.
He's not sticking up for you. That's a MUCH bigger issue than how she treats you guys. He needs to say, "Treat us both with respect and treat us like adults, or you will never see us or your grandchild again." And if she won't knock off the crap, then he needs to fulfill that promise.
He has to disappoint someone here ... he can either disappoint his mother by not allowing her to run his life, or he can disappoint his wife by asking her to lie down and take all this nonsense.
He's chosen to disappoint you. You're not #1 in his life, his mommy is. What are you going to do about that?
No, no no no NO. You do not have to accept being treated this way by your husband or his mother. The fact that you believe you have to accept it means you are too young to be married.
Please seek some counseling to figure out why you are willing to settle for a man who does not respect you and hopefully to find some self respect/self worth of your own.
he has told her to stand down. and i appreciate it.
He can TELL her anything he wants. But that doesn't mean jack. If he tells her to knock it off, and she doesn't, and he does nothing about it at that point, then the only message he's sending to her is, "You can get away with ignoring my requests because I won't do anything about it."
Why SHOULD she change her ways if there are absolutely no consequences associated with her current behavior? She gets away with this nonsense because you and your H allow her to. She's absolutely got it made in the shade right now. Asking her nicely isn't going to stop her. Getting mad isn't going to stop her, if there are no consequences to the anger. Your husband can shout himself hoarse at her and if he doesn't walk out or hang up the phone, she won't do a damn thing.
If you two are in her presence and she disrespects either of you, he needs to say, "Mom, cut it out or we're out of here." And when she ignores him (which she WILL do, because she knows she can get away with it), the two of you need to wordlessly get up and leave and not contact her again until she apologizes. Lather, rinse, repeat. If it happens often enough, he needs to tell her that you two will not be seeing her because she cannot respect the two of you.
but at the same time as his wife i have to accept everything that comes with him. including his crazy mother.
No, you don't. You don't have to put up with her shiit just because she's his blood relative. That doesn't give her carte blanche to treat you like crap.
If she's being a jerk to you, and your husband will not force her to stop it by standing behind his words and walking out/hang up the phone, then you are absolutely free to pack up your stuff and leave him. Whether that's for a little while until he figures out that you won't be a doormat and mans up, or if it's forever. I know it's easier said than done when you're married and have a baby on the way, but if he won't cut her off then you can either deal with it forever or you can get out.
he's constantly apologizing for her actions.
That's not stopping her, though. Apologizing to you is not solving the problem. He's just avoiding what he needs to do, which is putting YOU first and cutting her out (again, either temporarily or permanantly).
we did have some issues right after we all began speaking again but eventually we addressed them. right now my concern lies in the fact that i don't want her to continue to overstep her boundaries when it comes to money or our son. the last thing any new mom wants is for her mother in law to tell her she isn't feeding, changing, or holding the baby the "right way" which is something i KNOW she will do.
Well, here are your options:
- your husband can continue to make excuses and apologies for her, and you can just accept that, and watch the cycle continue until the day she dies
- your husband can continue to make excuses and apologies for her, and you can tell him that you've had enough and remove yourself from the situation (and then he can either stand behind you and cut her off, or you can get a divorce)
- or your husband can stand up to her, tell her to knock it off, and follow through on his words by removing the two of your from the situation (and then she'll either apologize and stop acting this way, or she'll continue the crap and you two and your baby will not associate with her).
Your call.
1. no need to be rude. i didn't post this to get nasty comments.
2. you can also keep your opinions on whether or not i should be married to yourself.
3. i highly doubt that i need to seek counseling. my husband and i are doing the best that we can on dealing with her. i was only looking for advice or KIND words from other women in the same sort of situation. not a nasty person who posts hateful comments. i do have self respect AND self worth. not only that but i love my husband enough to stand by his side even when it's hard to accept certain things. maybe you're the one who needs counseling for whatever issues you're harboring here.
And to what sort of unpleasantness does your husband subject himself for your sake? You said he's told her to stand down- well, that's clearly not sufficient. He should have stopped speaking to her when she started badmouthing you to everyone. Did she ever apologize to you for that? Or did he just let her back into your lives when she decided that she wanted to know her grandchild?
Please point out exactly what's "rude" or "nasty" here.
Well, glad to hear you've got it all under control, then! I don't really see why you posted here if you apparently know all the answers and don't have any issues whatsoever. How silly we are to suggest otherwise!
Enjoy your awesome life with your husband and his mommy
Let your H deal directly with his mom. No, you DO NOT have to pick up the phone. She is HIS mother.
I used to deal with dh's stepmom. He didn't like her, so I stepped in and answered her (drunken) phone calls, sat with her when we went to FILs, etc. It was the biggest mistake I could have made.
Once I stepped back and told dh that I was done dealing with her, HE had to put up with her nonsense, and we stopped seeing FIL and his wife. As long as I acted like the "buffer," he could handle having her in our lives. Once I stopped being the go-between, he realized how bad the situation really was.
As for things she gives you, accept them and then give them to goodwill. But only accept them when you see her - when your H is there. Do not allow her to visit when H is not around.
The point of counselling is to help people build tools to deal with whatever issues they may have. So do you NEED counselling, maybe not. Would you benefit from counselling, probably.
You say you're doing the best you can dealing with her, well clearly your best isn't working. You are unhappy with how she behaves and anxious about what it will mean for the future. So you can carry on bleating, "but we're TRYYYYING, and she's just toooo meaannnnn to listen to us." or you can sit down with your husband and come up with a game plan.
Clearly, asking isn't working with this woman. So your DH needs to put consequences in place. Whatever boundaries you and DH decide are appropriate for you both eg, she calls before coming over, then you stick with them. She turns up unannounced? Then you don't let her in.
If your husband won't actually stick to a consequence then like pp said, he'd rather you be upset than his mother.
If YOU won't put a consequence into place then you need to get a backbone. Or accept your situation and stop whining.
I'm honestly NOT trying to be snarky. I know I'm missing the bigger point but I just can't get past something so I'll just say it: accept the three sets of sheets. You're having a baby, babies are messy. You're going to be happy you have the extra sheets when your baby has made a mess of the first two sets and you can't find the time to brush your hair, let alone do a couple loads of laundry! Three sets isn't nearly enough, IMO!
Again, I'm not trying to be snarky. I understand your frustration related to your MIL's comments and actions. I just don't want you to refuse something useful to make the point that you don't need her help. Accept her generosity- it doesn't mean you have to accept the way she's treated you!
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It sounds like your husband is a people pleaser. He does not want to displease his Mom and you've (so far) been willing to acquiesce. It's going to take you not making it so easy for him to avoid the situation for real changes to occur.
My MIL is overbearing - she has not said nasty things about me - but she tries to be overinvolved in our lives. Multiple phone calls a week and sometimes daily, "advice" on everything, wanting to give us items (and will go so far as ask if we want something, we'll say know, she'll buy it anyways), wanting to see us everyday, shares our business with everyone, etc. She has the habit of making everything about her (even the death of my husband's close friend). So I've been where you are and have no desire to deal with it now and especially not when I'm pregnant or we have kids.
My husband sounds kind of like yours - he did not want to confront his Mom - he was raised with a family (nuclear and extended) that basically allowed her to do/say whatever she wants. Everyone else just dealt. I had to tell my husband that I was willing to make compromises, but I was absolutely not being hogtied (so to speak) by his mother.
It was a really hard conversation, but I laid everything on the line and said if he did not start setting boundaries with his Mom we were going to have serious issues. He got the picture that his Mom was hurting our relationship and if her behavior continued that our marriage was on the line.
I'm not saying you need to be a witch to your husband or your MIL, but it's time to start making life uncomfortable for your husband. Boundaries are excellent and they have to be reinforced. If you MIL says something or does something that violates the boundary then there needs to be an immediate response. Return to her the item she purchased that you already said you don't want. Change the topic or end the conversation if she says something mean. Leave if she continues to speak poorly to/of either of our.
It's easy to just be the compromiser because you/we love our husbands. But keep in mind that you cannot deal with this forever, and poor inlaw relationships with no boundaries, will eventually hurt your marriage.
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Nobody was rude to you, pumpkin, and you were given advice. What you wanted was to be patted on the head and told to hang in there, that everything would be okay. That's not advice, that's validation. Next time be more clear about what you want.
You're not standing by his side. You're lying down right next to him and becoming a doormat, too.
Do you love yourself enough to say, "Honey, I love you, but I won't tolerate the way your mother treats me, and I can't continue to be around her"?
Better yet, does he love you enough to say, "Mom, I will not allow you to treat my wife this way, and until your behavior towards her becomes acceptable, you won't be seeing me, her, or our child"?
Accept the gifts graciously. If you don't want them, donate them to charity or take them back to the store for a refund or store credit.
If she calls or comes over too much stop answering the phone and don't answer the door. Pretend you are not home. Start setting boundaries with this woman, she is overstepping her boundaries with you. Also, if she is doing something or saying something that is really bothering you, then your DH needs to talk to her about it. Tell her to please stop screaming and mind her own business.
I know exactly how you are feeling! For the most part anyways! My MIL has moved on to ignoring me instead of being overly involved.
My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years and she has been against it from the start! We are young in some people's minds (including hers) at now 24 (me) and 26 (husband). Even though our situations are a little different based on how our MILs act I can tell you how my husband and I have worked and are continuing to work on it!
So we just announced to our families that we are expecting a baby, and my parents are thrilled and my MIL was like "how did that happen?" and "great, I will never see the baby because your wife hates me, so why should I be excited?"
These are the comments that we get from her. Of course me and the hubby have an initial fight about it, but then my husband talks/argues with his mom. The BEST way I can handle it is to be insanely polite, but not going out of my way to do things with her/for her. I send her emails about Christmas (which she ignores) or photo things for my husband (which she ignores) but then I can say later down the line and prove how much I am trying. No matter what, as sad as it is, his mother is going to be part of your lives forever. Your husband needs to stand up for you, and it took my husband the better part of our marriage to learn this! Once he really sticks up and defends you, nothing will change.
I also have a problem with the advice thing. There is actually a really funny onezi (sp?) on cafepress that says "My mom doesn't want your advice" and you would get a kick out of it every-time you put it on your little one when the MIL is coming over! But JUST because she gives advice means you have to listen to it. Again, as much as it pains me, I just say "Great idea" or "sure, that could work" so that the conversation is over and I don't follow the advice anyways.
As for the gifts? Take them while it lasts! You never know when she will have a change of heart again and never get you anything!
And last thing- some people will never be sorry. But just know you deserve better and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You both need to work through this as a couple, just the two of you. You can even politely tell your MIL that you really appreciate all the advice, but that you want you and your husband to figure it out together as a family. As long as you work together you can get through this. No matter how young you are, stick together and talk and you will be fine.
Good luck! And maybe watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond' because it makes me feel a lot better sometimes!
Why "of course"?
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"but that doesn't mean i want her to show up at our home or constantly offer her unwanted advice on how i should or shouldn't be taking care of him."
All MILs do this. Get used to it. Just smile and say something like "I'm glad that worked so well for you."
But she shouldn't be rude to you, I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
First off, it's not your MIL's business how you spend your money (I say this with a bit of attitude since my MIL questioned the money we spent on a simple "Our 1st Christmas" ornament). She needs to back off and realize that you and her son are one now, and that the money that the two of you spend is your business, not hers.
Second, I think it is totally disrespectful of her to develop an inappropriate repore with your step-mother. She should know that that would be weird for you, and offensive to your mother.
And I think you are totally entitled to be upset about her saying those terrible things about you and especially saying that you tricked her son into marrying you and stuff. What an ignorant thing to say. I honestly think all of this is just the sign of jealous mother who can't cut the chord and wants you to feel guilty for doing it for her. Ugh, I hate that! (While I am reading your post I am also thinking of my little MIL situations...can you tell? lol).