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At what point do you just stop trying to have a relationship with a parent?
My dad (he's actually my step-dad, but he legally adopted me when I was 5) and I have never been close. He and my mom are divorced, and he has remarried. I don't have any bad feelings towards either parent regarding the divorce. They were just unhappy.
I'm trying to keep this short, so I'll just hit the highlights. Know that this is only a fraction of the issues we've had. In the past two years my dad:
*Remarried and included all of the kids (hers and his) except me in the wedding.
*Stopped calling me. When I call him, he never asks about anything going on in my life and gets off the phone as soon as he can.
*Skipped my wedding rehearsal for a high school football game, though he did walk me down the aisle on the actual wedding day.
*Comes into the town where I live about three times a month, but never calls or wants to get together. He comes with his wife to see her children.
*Whenever I try to bring up what he's done that upsets me he tells me I'm being stupid and irrational and changes the subject. In fact, the last time I stopped by his house to see him, all he did was criticize me and tell me I was stupid for various things.
*My grandmother was recently in the hospital (my mom's mom) and my mom is not living in the area, so I was dealing with it by myself. He never once called to see what was going on or if everything was okay.
*I wasn't invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas at his home this year, but all the other children were.
Do I really have an obligation to let this continue just because he's my "parent"? I'm feeling incredibly guilty at the thought of cutting him out of my life, but this whole situation has caused so much stress and anxiety he won't TALK to me about it, so it won't change. I've asked him if he's mad at me for some reason and he just says, "No".
I'm really not trying to be unreasonable, and I'm not even mad so much as really sad about the way things have turned out, but what else can I do?
I am really close with my mom, but she won't give an opinion because she doesn't want her opinions to influence my decision.
Thoughts? I might DD this later, but I would really appreciate any insight.
Snow!
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
Re: At what point do you just stop trying to have a relationship with a parent?
Why do you assume its something you have done? Has he been this way most of your life? Could it be something to do with your mom?
Either way, if he won't work with you on your relationship you already know they answer. Don't feel guilty, it sounds like you have definitely put yourself out there and let him know you are there and want a relationship. If he wants one with you he will call, if not it sounds like your life will be better without him.
I'm wondering - are your "siblings" his bio-kids? Or are they his step-kids as well?
I would cut him out of your life. You have been making all of the effort, and he not only is he not meeting you 1/2 way, he makes you unhappy every time you see him!
Focus your energy on people who love and care about you. Your stepdad does not appear to be one of these people. Stop calling or visiting. Stop acknowledging his birthday / anniversary. I know you are hurting right now, but you need to see your "dad" for what he is - someone who really doesn't care about your feelings. I'm sure you have friends, family (extended family maybe) and ILS who care about you. Use your time to connect with them!
He's been kind of emotionally distant my whole life, but it's been much more extreme the past two years.
I don't really think I did anything, but I asked him if that was the issue because I know if I DID do something that ticked him off, he wouldn't just come out and tell me. I was just trying to cover all my bases. I can't think of anything that I could have possibly done to warrant all this, but I figured I'd ask him just in case.
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate the outside input!
Snow!
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DYeah, my siblings are his biological kids. He and my mom had two children while they were married. He doesn't have a great relationship with them, but he still includes them in things and at least kind of makes an effort with them.
I do have a good group of friends, and I love most of my DH's family. They've been very sweet to me and make me feel like a real part of the family. Plus I have my mom. You're right, I should focus on those relationships.
It's hard, but I know I'm not the first person to have issues like this.
Thank you!
Snow!
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DI have a nutty aunt that I gave the boot to back in July.
I had enough of her nastiness, her douchey comments and her negativity; she's been like this since I was a kid -- somehow I tolerated her bullshit for as long as I did and I decided enough was enough.
Good luck with Dear Ole Dad; he sounds like a handful and a half. it's best you just bid him adieu and cut him out of your life.
How long have your mom and "dad" been divorced? Do you think that your dad's new wife may have an issue with him continuing your relationship since he is not your biological father? Perhaps in her mind, she feels he adopted you because he had to, but since your parents are no longer married, he filled his obliagtion. Do you feel you would have continued a relationship with him after your parent's divorce, if he hadn't adopted you?
They've been divorced since I was 17.
I don't think it's the new wife's fault exactly, but I don't think she really cares that we're having these issues. She's not encouraging him to be more involved, and the last time I saw her she said I wasn't making enough of an effort. I have no idea why she said it, considering i have been (the only one) making an effort.
ETA: If he hadn't adopted me we probably still would have had a relationship after the divorce, but as I said, it was never a close relationship. He's always been distant, it's just recently that he's been flat out mean.
Snow!
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DI am not saying this to be hurtful, but...
I think he thinks of you as "his ex-wife's child," not his child. I have a cousin who had a daughter. Her boyfriend (and later husband) loved her so much! Then they married and had their own kids, and it was never the same. They ended up divorcing and one of the issues was the way he treated the oldest.
Sorry, but that is the vibe I am getting. He really doesn't think of you as his daughter, at least one as equal as his bio-kids (which is why I asked the question). Stop thinking of him as a dad. The nice thing about being an adult is that you get to pick and choose your relationships.
You might be able to salvage the relationship if you have absolutely zero expectations of him - but I don't think you can handle that and I'm not sure that is fair to you. He sounds like a douche anyway!
I don't have any insight, but I wanted to say I am sorry you're going through this. I'm sure no matter how long it's been going on for and how old you get it is still hurtful.
It sounds like letting go of the relationship is probably best for you right now.
I am in agreement with Wahoo. It just does not sound like he thinks of you as a daughter; and now that he and your mother are divorced, he's 'divorced' from you too.
It hurts; but I wouldn't make any more effort with him; he knows where you live.
This. I'm sorry.
And you don't owe anyone an obligation simply because they are your parent. I do not talk to my father and haven't for about 15 years for a variety of things that occurred when I was growing up. I attempted to let him into my life on two ocassions, only to be let down and disappointed. It is easier for me to have no contact with him - much easier than dealing with constant hurt and disappointment. My two sisters also do not have a relationshipw with him, but my brother does. It can be a little awkward at times, but we all finally seem to respect each other decisions. (It was a bit odd on my brother's wedding since he was there - my entire family said nothing to him - we always wonder what he has told his girlfriend, I mean, his three daughters cannot even have a polite conversation with him).
Anyway, do what you feel is right, but don't think you have to have a relationship with him if it is too hard or you do not want to. Many people will tell you to try because he is your Dad, etc., but only you know what's right for you.
I'm not sure why you feel guilty about the idea of cutting him out of your life. I don't want to be hurtful either, but it sounds as though HE'S already trying to cut you out.
He reallly doesn't seem interested in maintaining a relationship with you, and I'm sure that's hurtful and disappointing but I would focus on having strong relationships with the family members that do love me, if I was you.
What would really look differently if you cut him out? He doesn't visit, you don't spend holidays together and he's cold and distant in general.
I think you're getting a lot of blame here. You keep asking if you've missed something. You were TOLD its your fault and you need to try harder. He refuses to talk about it. So, I think your feeling a fair amount guilt to actually pull the trigger.
Why not just adjust your expectations and efforts to fit reality? Without a lot of fanfare or guilt. There's obviously a lot of people and new adjustments going on - he's remarried , there are adult children, those children (including you) have marriages and lives of their own. So, why don't you just pick one or two things you want to do with him and the new wife next year? Is there a holiday that makes sense to connect on? Even something simple like Memorial Day or 4th of July? Maybe a card or note on his birthday. Maybe that's enough to be in touch but not hurt.
Keep connected with your siblings, build your family with your DH and love the people who love you back.
He sounds narcissistic. My father is like this and I don't interact with him hardly at all anymore.
Check out the book the drama of the gifted child. That helped me understand better that it wasn't ME that was the problem - it was him.
Thank you all for the advice. It just confirmed what I already thought. but I hate feeling like I'm giving up on people. In this case, I do feel like it's the only thing I can do. I'm just so tired of being stressed out and anxious and upset about it.
You're all right, at this point I've done all I can. Either he will make an effort or he won't (and I bet he won't).
Thanks again!
I will definitely pick up a copy of that book! Thanks!
Snow!
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DSara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Hi Aro,
I can completely relate to how you're feeling & what you're going through. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in going on 10 years. Her entire side of the family is also estranged to us. Even though, she never flat out in black in white said that she never wanted to see me again or have a relationship with me - It was still clear. After she divorced my dad, she relocated and remarried. She wanted me and my brother to fit into her new life, never actually trying in any way on her end to be in ours.
It was a long and sloppy road of neverending tears, putting blame on myself and feeling...unloved. I made the decision to cut her out of my life. It was not easy but I knew it was something that I had to do for personal survival. I knew that the kind of relationship that I wanted to have as mother & daughter with her would never be. I knew that if I continued life this way, I would have to compromise what I wanted and tailor myself to what she wanted.
I can reassure you that it does get easier. Eventually, life goes on. I still think of her at times...especially as we're approaching the holidays...but less and less. I am very sorry that you are going through this...it's not easy and I would not wish this on anyone. My DH has a very 'flimsy' relationship with his parents and in anger he will say things to me like, "They're dead to me" ... or, "I am done with them". But, I know he doesn't fully mean it. When you walk away you can't be angry - you have to be indifferent. This is a life choice. It is one you will most likely never take back.
My heart goes out to you! GL!
Hi, I usually don't post on this board but I saw this and felt compelled to respond. My father divorced my mother when I was 5 and he moved to another town and remarried a woman with 2 sons. I became the redheaded stepchild of the family and he didn't stay involved in my life. We would often go a year or more without even speaking to one another and the times I did see him, he didn't act happy to see me nor did he show interest in my life. I'm now 37 and the situation really hasn't changed. I recently initated contact with him after a 2+ year hiatus and once again, it's only me that's done the work. He believes that having a relationship with his daughter - his only biological child - is MY responsiblity. I have had ill feelings for my father most of my life and I've discovered that every time I try to "fix" things, I only end up hurt again.
Take the advice above and take steps to cut him out of your life. I know it sounds terrible to want to cut a parent out of your life, but the thing is, he's not a parent to you. Focus on the relationships you have with people who love and respect you, and who are willing to return love and respect to you. Please don't let him continue to hurt you - you deserve better!!
My husband and I are kinda having the same issue with his dad. His dad and ex step mother got divorced a couple of years ago, and we still have a great relationship with her and her boyfriend. His dad on the other hand met this woman and a few months later, just about completely cut us out. We didn't need him like her family did (Herself, daughter and husband, and their kids) finanically any longer. We got on our own 2 feet and we see him on Holidays and birthdays and hear from him if there is something going on with thte family. He just recently got married to this woman and didn't tell us until after the fact. We knew he did b/c he told someone in the family, but not us, so we called him out on it. We also made plans to see him and his now wife on Christmas to enchange gifts, but he then tried to sqeeze out of it b/c they wanted to go to his wifes daughters house and see them for a while.... those plans were made after we made ours, too!!! So, we have basically stop caring about the whole situation. He made it very easy to do so too. Husbands side of the family knows this to, so they call us and let us know about anything b/c 9 times out of 10, they know he wont!! He doesn't seem to want us to have anything to do with his new happy little family, which as of right now is just fine with us. He will come calling again when we have kids, but, he will have to work for that relationship as far as we are concerned!!
Sorry about that... I have been wanting to get that out! All in all, I would just cut him out! He seems to be makng it easy for you! I hope this helps!
Sounds like you're wasting a lot of energy that could be put towards something that will bring you joy and satisfaction, rather than frustration and heartache.
You've already got some great advice about what you should do and why. I just wanted to give you my experience on actually following through. I cut off most of my biological family a few years ago, and it was the best thing I've done. Similar to you, they never bothered to call, visit, and were generally disinterested in me. The last straw was when some of them no-showed to my wedding, and others behaved inappropriately while there.
I actually went to therapy for support during the process. My therapist recommended cutting them off for a finite period of time, and then revisiting the issue at that point to see if I wanted to reach out to them again. I refused contact for a year, and decided that I was happier not initiating contact at that point. Even though nothing really changed, I finally had control of the situation. It wasn't poor little me sitting around waiting for my family to recognize my value anymore. Now, I was making a decision not to let them in my awesome life.
This quote is so true. I let go of the anger when I cut them out of my life, and now I am indifferent. You have to be indifferent to move on with your life. I reached a point where I really just didn't care if I ever spoke to them again or not. Ironically, that opened the door for me to let some of them back in my life in a limited way (exchanging Christmas cards, friends on FB). I no longer have any expectations that they will behave like real family, so their disinterest doesn't hurt me. You can't be disappointed if you have no expectations.
Good luck. It's really hard to come to the realization that people who should love you don't, but sometimes that's just reality. As others have said, focus your energy on those that DO love you. You'll be so much happier when you rarely think of your "dad."
I have this theory on family and this may get me blasted by others but here it is anyway...
If your family member is not even as courteous/kind as a stranger on the street would be, then why continue to worry about them? Life is too short to allow azzholes to waste your time and effort.
Good luck!
I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone for the advice.
The part about making sure I'm not angry when I make the decision is absolutely correct. At this point I am not angry. I was angry and hurt for two years, and that is exhausting.
I'm definitely not going to let it ruin the holidays. We'll be spending most of Christmas with DH's family and my mom, so I am going to do what you all suggested and just focus on the people in my life who love me and want to be part of my life.
Thanks again. It always helps to hear things like this from people who have no vested interest in it, you know?
Snow!
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DThis. I agree with previous posters that he may now view you as only his ex-wife's child, but at the same time he sounds like an unhappy man so it may not be that. I'd advise you not to constantly be overly reaching out. Give him a little space to miss you, whilst still keeping some contact like birthday and holiday cards. I pray that God will heal the wound of parental rejection in your heart, far too many of us carry it.
First off, I'm very sorry your dad appears to be such a tool when it comes to being a dad.
I'd say try your best (possibly with the help of counseling - it can do wonders) to lose your guilt. Based on your post and without knowing more, it sounds like you've given 99% of the effort and he has barely given any. He has made it clear through his words and actions his priorities are skewed. That is NOT your fault - he needs to own that all by his self-involved self.
Seriously, I'd rec counseling. See if you can arrive to a point where you can accept this is the type of man he is, it's not your fault, and you can invest your love and efforts in so many other and better directions. Perhaps someday he'll realize he was being an @sshat and come back for forgiveness - perhaps not. But at least you won't have any regrets for wasting your time on someone who couldn't/wouldn't reciprocate.