Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In need of advise....
I wrote this on the HOLIDAY board... and as I am kinda talking through the matter.... I am starting to realize that the ladies on the FM board might be able to help.....And rather than posting it again on this board:
If you could read through the whole post including my responses before you give your input that would be wonderful.
Thanks ahead...
Re: In need of advise....
I can see both sides here. The Christmas season can be really stressful for some people, and one person's holly jolly good time is another person's seventh circle of holiday hell.
But if your DH is pulling the passive-aggressive business of "fine, I'll go, but I'm going to make SURE you know JUST HOW MISERABLE I am the WHOLE TIME," that has to stop. It's not mature and it certainly isn't productive. If you can hold your temper enough to speak calmly and not blow your top, you might want to say to him in the moment, "Honey, the way you're acting right now is stealing my joy."
Can the two of you find a neutral time (maybe after the holidays are over) and discuss what a great Christmas season would look like for both of you? What traditions and celebrations are most important to you individually? What's an acceptable level of holiday cheer (how many parties to attend, how much giving to do, what events are must-do and what are fun but not essential)?
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad; it must add another whole dimension to your feelings about the holidays. I don't think it's "playing the my-dad-died card" to say -- again, as calmly as you can -- that you do have a hard time dealing with this time of year, and you like to be very busy to help you cope with your grief. That making new, happy memories of Christmastime with your husband is very important to you.
Really be open to what he has to say and how he feels as well!
Ok, pretty sure you're not going to like this, but I think your H is being a gigantic douche about this.
A few years ago you had to bury your father on Christmas Eve. You like the holiday season, preparing for it makes you happy during what has got to be an otherwise difficult time. Your H needs to either 1.) figure out a way to be happy or 2.) fake it until he makes it. Seriously.
My H is a huge soccer fan. Huge. I have never played soccer, don't really care about it, but he loves it. So I've got a team I like to cheer for, a USA Soccer T-Shirt (for the World Cup) and I've read up a little on the game (mostly, "What does it mean to be off sides?"). Point is, this isn't something that I love, it's something that I do for my H.
He, on the other hand, religiously follows Big 10 Football and Basketball with me, even though he's from an SEC team.
When you're married, you do things and get excited about things because it makes your SO other happy. It's not always something you want to do, or would have otherwise done, but you do it anyways.
I think you need to tell your H that this is already a difficult time to you, and that it is important that he enjoy the holiday season with you lest he ruin it for you. Seriously, enough is enough.
{I think I used "lest" correctly there, but if not, forgive me. It sounded right, but I'm not sure it's the word I am looking for.}
Honestly, I'd just pack-in anything that required DH to "do" something Christmas related. I've had a cheery Christmas spirit for years before I met DH. I had a ball hunting for a Christmas tree with my Jewish friends (who love the chance at the experience), some years I baked a boatload of cookies, other years I went all out on the wrapping, another year I wrapped in brown paper and just did interesting bows.
My point is, that I agree it sucks to drag someone else along. And it sucks to be dragged. So stop it. Do what brings you joy. And scale back severely to eliminate what you are requiring DH to do to get the holiday done. You can have an incredibly wonderful holiday on your own steam and effort. Don't get soured on DH's BS and lackluster attitude. You're glowing, don't stop.
Bah Humbug.
Your husband is being a jerk. IMO, one of the things that comes with being married is sometimes doing things to make the other person happy, even if you wouldn't choose to do those things yourself. Heck, DH and I will be going to the ballet next year because I want to go - he definitely would not choose to go, but he will cheerfully go because he knows it will make me happy and that will make him happy.
I hesitate to give you exact advice as to what to say to him though because if my husband was acting like that, it would not be a pleasant day in my household.
I'm usually not a fan of suggesting people run to counseling, but I think it would help you as a couple tremendously. You might learn a good way to tell your DH that you'd like to do some fun holiday things with him to help turn a sad time into a happy time without feeling like you're guilting him into it, and he might learn a way to sack up and help you feel better.
Seriously, I don't think he should be required to do every little thing that you'd like to do, but he could do the things that are really important to you. And he could pretend to enjoy them, even if he's not, because it would make you happy. Then later sometime when he wants to go see a movie you don't like, or to a sporting event, or something else that he likes that you're not really into, you could return the favor
This is something your H could be sensitive of for you. He would have to be a blind not to see the correlation between your dad, the holiday season and your feelings. Sometimes men need a little reminder though too.
I see no harm in writing him a brief note about how this time of year makes you feel, how you are hoping to feel, and what you need from him as your spouse. You are not pulling the "dad card." This is real and its really how you feel. Its no crime to need a little tenderness - he's your spouse! Hopefully he will be thoughful enough to warm up to the holidays just a bit even if he's not feeling it as much as you are. I think that some men (mine included) get so accustomed to being catered to or being the "flowers" in the relationship, that they forget they need to be the gardener sometimes too.
Thanks everyone for the advise...
We are in marriage counseling. Our next appoint is not till the new year though.
I think I am going to talk to him further about this tonight.... but I think it might need to be discussed further in marriage counseling.
At first I think I was just grumpy because he doesn't like christmas as much as me.... but after further talking about it with you all nestie's it is more about a sense of comfort during the holiday season.... a horrible time in my life 2 years ago. I'm not getting that comfort from H. Hopefully I we can get this talked through before we see our relatives... Oh joy... further stress.
Again... thanks for taking the time....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I understand where you are coming from. I know this will sound incredibly lame, but early on in our marriage we read the Five Love Languages. After reading it I knew I was a quality time person. Not just a time person but a quality time person. My husband, at first, thought that as long as he was spending time with me, than I should be happy. I had to nicely explain to him that it isn't the amount of time that made me happy, but it was the fact that it was quality time. If he was going to grumble and complain and remind me how this isn't what he wanted to do, it just took all the joy out of the moment. It also made me feel unloved, yes silly for me to say, but that is how I felt. He apologized and his attitude is much better now, not perfect but better.
My husband isn't into Christmas as much as I am, I understand that. What I have done is write up a list of priority things I would like to do together. We look at lights, we go to church for a concert, we make cookies and we watch certain movies. I pretty much narrowed it down to stuff that was most important to me. I put these events on our calendar and I also try to make it specific. For example, if we look at lights, I will try to find a specific neighborhood or house to look at. I know he hates wandering around aimlessly, so I do my best to make it specific and you know more enjoyable for him. We do sometimes go shopping together, but I do the majority of it myself. Wrapping, ehh I hate wrapping anyways, so that isn't something I think of as important.
First of all, let me just say I'm really sorry to hear you associate this time of year with the passing of your father.
Could it be that you want to participate in all the Christmastime activities you can to distract from your saddness or grief? That would make perfect sense to me. I can be quite the avoider when I want to be. It is too bad that DH can't see that small sacrifices of how he spends his time would (probably?) dramatically change your mood. Or at least better show that he cares. But I also don't think its fair to tell him (not sure if you did or just felt like saying this) he's ruining it for you. I like what PP said, how she does her own thing and her DH joins in when he sees she's having fun. I have a looong list of "dreamy romantic" things I'd love to be doing with MH at Christmas... but I know I didn't marry a "dreamy romantic" kind of guy
Don't scale back your activites if they make you happy, just make sure you are fully dealing with "life" and not diving into Christmas to totally avoid your true feelings about this time of year. (just my opinion based on your comments, if I mis interpreted, appologies in advance)