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Deep, deep denial
I am ready to explode on my brother and punch him in the nose if I hear him say one more time, "Her pain level is to be expected--she has cancer." Argh! I am trying to wrap my head around how he can be on such a deep, deep level of denial that he can say these assinine things without realizing the gravity of the situation.
My mother has stage 4 breast cancer. She's on a ventilator and a feeding tube. Since last Saturday she's been on morphine, plus a sedative. They started her out at 2 and now she's up to 12 mL (not exact on the unit of measurement, but the number I'm positive) for the pain. She's been sleeping, not lucid or opening her eyes, but every noise she makes is interpreted by my brother as her "being stubborn" and "fighting the fight" when it's just noise. He's convinced himself that she's aware of what's going on around her and is stable.
I am stuck between being so angry and feeling sorry for him, then back to angry that he's in the midst of all of this he's still such a control freak over everything little thing. If I hear him say that he's the Power of Attorney one more time I will explode. I am not saying that I want my mother to just die but at this point she's just suffering and that idiot is calling around to tell everyone that Mom's stable. How can you possibly say "oh, this pain level is to be expected" and have it not tear your heart out that she is in pain? He cares more about his sick little game of trying to control everything than giving Mom peace. I can't do anything about it, and it sucks.
Re: Deep, deep denial
while you interpret her noises one way he interprets them another way-and there's really no way to know who's right. people handle sicknesses of loved ones differently. i dont know that he's in denial, but he may not want to dwell on how badly off she is. people do that. him saying that the pain level is expected is true-i dont think he's in denial here at all. how do you know that he isn't just better at holding it together than you are?
First of all, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. A good friend of mine is currently hospitalized with ovarian cancer (her doggie is sitting next to me as I type
) so I know how this feels.
It sounds like maybe your brother is in denial (hence your post title). As annoying as it is, I would give him a little leeway--after all, your mother is very sick.
However, telling everyone she's stable isn't right. It's clear from this stage of cancer and that level of morphine that everyone needs to go ahead and start preparing for the worse (again, I am so sorry). He shouldn't be giving such false hope to your family members, nor be being so dramatic.
Her pain IS to be expected--but if she is on that much morphine, then she is not aware of what is going on around her. She's just not. Rather than pretending that she is, your brother needs to be working on making some peace.
I would sit him down and say yeah, you acknowledge power of attorney, so he needs to drop it. Just calmly tell him that this is a hard time for everyone, and that the family needs to start thinking about what to do next (including coming to terms). Band together in (quiet) support of your mother and of each other.
Again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I'm so very sorry about your mom. Hugs!
As for your brother, I know it is much easier to say than do, but try to ignore him. You won't change anything by arguing with him. Focus on your mom and resting yourself when you can. Also, be prepared that he may get worse before he gets better. When she passes, he will probably become an even bigger jackass. Just focus on yourself and your grief and getting through one day at a time. Don't let him get to you. You cannot control his actions. Again, big, bug hugs!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
{{{HUG}}}
Just try to ignore him, you're dealing with the situation one way and he's dealing with it another way. If it's grating on you, then ignore him. I'm sure he realizes what's happening, but it will still be a huge shock to him when she does pass on.
The way he says stuff just grates on my last nerve. I know she's in a lot of pain, he know she's in a lot of pain, and he's just standing there talking down to everyone (even nurses and doctors) like they know nothing. He's so focused on this power/control he has that it doesn't bother him Mom's in pain. Oh, no, no, no, this is to be expected. Ugh--what?
I'm so sorry you are going thru this! I know how hard it is.
I lost my mother to cancer. My three siblings and I each handled it in our own way. While you seem to resent the way your brother is dealing with this (it seems to me he's keeping up a brave front for the family), that doesn't make it wrong. It is just different than how you are dealing with things.
When my family was dealing with my mother's illness, it really bothered me how many people had an idea about how we were supposed to act and feel. They seemed to think that since they felt a certain way when they were in a similar situation, that we should react in the same way. That's just not how it is- ask 100 people how they deal with grief and you'll get 100 different answers!
You are going to need family support in the time ahead. Don't let these issues with your brother build up into resentment- you're going to need to lean on each other.
An American Girl's Travels
First off, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. You must be absolutely heartbroken
As far as this:
I'm not trying to negate your feelings at all - because I'm sure you're on an emotional rollercoaster right now - but this sounds to me like your brother is just trying to grasp for an opportunity, ANY opportunity, to actually be in control. Because if your poor mother is suffering, then that's completely OUT of his control, and that must make him (and you, and your other loved ones) feel awful. It may not be as simple as him just showing off, acting like a big shot, ignoring your mother's pain in order to be in control, etc. That's just how some people cope.
And, unless he's truly a cruel and heartless person, I very much doubt that it doesn't bother him that your mother is in pain. You know him better than I do, of course, but if he's taken the time to be there with your mom and you and whoever else is there, then I'm sure he cares about her and he doesn't want to see her suffering.
Some people just look for opportunities to take control when they're lost. Some people go on autpilot and look for others to take the lead. Some people are nurturers, some people cry, some people get angry, some stay in complete denial and avoid the bad situation entirely.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel annoyed - because, heck, you should just feel however you want to feel right now - but do your best to ignore his habits that bother you, and focus on your mom right now. Walk away from your brother if you have to, if you feel like you're going to snap. Like the PPs said, try not to distance yourself from him, because you're going to need to lean on each other in the future. I don't know your background with him and if you guys have any kind of relationship at all ... but if you have a relationship where you plan to be together even a little bit, I'd do your best to just realize that he, also, is hurting right now, and he is also trying to find a way to cope with all this.
Hang in there, hon.
Yeah... I can't stand people like that....
Just ignore anything he says.... and spend time with your mom.
And I might be getting you confused with some one else on this board....
But is your brother the one who printed something off of the internet that says he is POA? If so did you ever follow up on that?
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Because it was the last thing my mother signed, it's legit according to my lawyer.
I am trying really hard to be easy on Kevin, but this attitude of his is the same story on a different day. He's always had this narcissistic know-it-all streak and it grates on my last nerve. He is pretty much living out of her hospital room and won't let people just visit with my mother. Members of the church came to visit and pray with my mom, and in 4 minutes flat he's talking about HIS car accident that happened over a year ago. It astounds me how he can wrap stuff around so it's all about him.
I guess I focus on how annoyed I am with him instead of dealing with my mom. It's my mom, but we never had that perfect mother/daughter relationship. My mother always blatently favored me over my brothers, and I moved as far away from Hickville as I could to escape the dysfunction. Now he's rubbing it in that's he's been around to see everything. Guess it's my own guilt coming out.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Did your mom ever complete a living will expressing her wishes regarding heroic measures and end of life care? I could see if she had said "do everything" at some point that he may just be trying to carry out what he believes are her wishes. Although I don't think people honestly know what that means when they say "do everything" as tv/movies really distort what the ICU and end of life is really like.
I work with families in the hospital all the time and see these power struggles play themselves out over very ill family members. Try to take a step back if you can and focus on supporting your mom and taking care of yourself.
Have the doctors indicated if she will be able to come off the ventilator? Have you discussed hospice care with the social worker?
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
When I was 18, my dad was dying with cancer. I NEVER said anything negative about how he was feeling and right up until the end, I kept up the attitude and comments that he is going to be ok. I was not in denial, I KNEW it wasn't good. But...and this may sound a little crazy I guess...I felt like if I said things like, "oh he is not looking very good today" or "he seems to be going downhill" that I would JINX him in some way. Like putting out negative energy would just compound his problem.
So perhaps that is where your brother is in his head. Maybe he can't say the words outloud for fear it may hasten her downward spiral. I don't know of course but just a thought.
Also, you are ALL as a family very upset and raw right now. So I know it can be very, very hard to be tolerant of things that normally are not a big deal. Try to just take a deep breath, don't worry so much about him and focus on your own ways to deal with this very unfortunate illness. Later when you are all past this for a while, your arguments and aggravations will seem petty and meaningless.
Stay strong and best wishes to you all and your mom.
I know this is tough but your feelings and his feelings are equally legitimate. There isn't a be all end all way to handle this and everyone does it differently. When my Grandpa was dying this spring, I was getting so frustrated with one of my cousins who kept telling family who lived out of state that everything was rainbows and sunshine and that he was getting better. I never snapped at her but I vented to my Mom once about how I thought it was ridiculously irresponsible of her to portray it as anything but him dying and I was really upset about how she seemed so out of touch with reality. My Mom had to remind me that I am a realist and I don't sugar coat the truth but that other folks cling to the smallest sign of progress and pin all their hope on it. It isn't wrong to do either one but it is just how folks handle it. It sounds to me like your brother is very much like my cousin and it sounds to me like you are very like me.
I guess all I can say is try to let it go. Treasure that you have a little time to pour out all the things you wanted to say but never did and make peace with the things you can't change about your past relationship bumps in the road with your Mom. Try to see that your brother is dealing with his grief differently than you would but that he's trying to deal with it the best way he knows how. If she's on morphine and not waking up regularly, I would say that it is safe to presume that her time on earth is drawing to a close and you need to spend your energy on that, not being mad at your brother.
(hugs) and best wishes to you.
Based on your posts, your brother sounds like a self-centered jerk who is making a bad situation worse. You chaff about how's he's coming off to everyone but no one else does. The doctors and nurses don't really care if he's all condescending and asslike. Theyve seen it all before. And the church goers are just shaking their heads and thinking he's troubled. So don't take it on yourself to give a fig about how much of a jerk he's being to everyone else. Just take care of yourself and work around him.
And yeah, your own feelings are going to get mixed up and weirdly eek out with all his stupidity. Expect it. No one gets good at saying good-bye to a dying parent. Everything sounds just so horrible. I feel so bad for you. Please hold hope that this time will pass and you will heal and grieve and be okay.