Oklahoma Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Wow - I would be getting a deeeevorce...
I guess my question is...how didn't she know? She had to have known something was amiss....she never checked one time??? I don't know - something doesn't pass the sniff test.
And I have decided I am MUCH more MM than I originally thought - $3k mortgage? WTF??? We all have different priorities I guess and I don't care if she rolls her own toilet paper and never eats out - but that is not called being "MM smart" that is called HOUSE POOR.
A girl last week wanted a $350k mortgage on $150k of income. I about sh!t my pants at that one too. Everyone values different things and it is clearly important to me to have a LIFE - but I would never pay that much for a house. I am not about to drive a crappy car, never take vacations, and shop at Ross to have a $2,500 a month mortgage while saving. No effing way.
The lying about the finances would be the deal breaker for me. I would never be able to fully trust him again, no matter how much counseling we went to.
I can't believe how nice all the responses to her post were. Even the most blunt ones didn't descend to the level of indiscriminate flaming. It must really be Christmas!
I was only kind in my response because I watched my mother go through something similar. Although, she was in charge of all the finances, but dad was going through and doing stuff behind her back, hiding mail, etc. His mind suffered from chemo, and it changed him into a greedy, rude liar. He was home all day and was able to hide all of it from her.
The OP definitely has a problem with sticking her head in the sand, though, that's for sure. Blinded by love or idiocy?
Your parent's situation is completely different. The OP could have logged into her bank account OR have gone to the bank OR have looked at the bank statement and have noticed they DID NOT have that much savings. Further, she had to have known that they were spending at "normal" levels while they were supposedly saving her income and therefore, nothing was being saved when she was still working. It would have been very easy for your father to have hidden the cc debt he got himself into although I do wonder how your mother did not notice the influx of cash.
I do feel bad for her but someone that has bad money mgmt skills should not be handling finances. Her head was in the sand, period. She is half responsible for this mess but the LYING and crap is not her fault!
She is somewhat to blame for keeping her head in the sand and having no part in their finances whatsoever, but that's no excuse for his lies and manipulation.
And stripes--don't forget she thought she could afford a 6-800,000 house with a big down payment!
$2500 in house alone each month would make me sick to my stomach. I'd much rather save that money and have fun living my life than be obligated to that forever.
It seems like people have a lot of wants, but don't get that it takes time to save and budget to do it. I guess everyone's priorities are different, but I don't think being house poor is ever a good thing.
Back to the OP--that husband would have a shallow grave out back. I'm sure since her parents are "well off" they'll step in and help her get out of the rut, but I'd be so pissed if I had to rely on mom and dad to pull me out of something that was a result of my own stupidity. Your husband has never been good with money, so PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FINANCES, FFS!
If I were single I would totally be "that person" living in the total WT crap neighborhood with a Porsche Panamera and a house half full of clothes and a crappy shack on the beach. Sadly, I have married someone that insists on having a somewhat decent house. God damn it.
But anyway, I was apparently the only one in that MM thread that thought that girl was crazy cakes.
If my H did that crap to me he would totally be gone! No matter what he said or did he would be gone. I totally understand that she was at fault too by not checking things out herself which was pretty dumb on her part. But if it took him 2 days to finally show her what was in savings that should have been clue #1.
Kaylee & Cole 06.14.08
8/6/11 First 5k! OG&E Expo Run 34:47
9/3/11 Brookhaven Run 5k 34:18
9/17/11 Healthy Sooners Fun Run 5k 33:38
10/15/11 Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 33:31
10/29/11 Monster Dash 5k 32:06 PR!
11/11/11 Veteran's Day Run 11k in Dallas 1:13:15 Instant PR!
1/28/12 Texas Half Marathon 2:38:03 Instant PR!
3/25/12 Earlywine Dash
Not trying to flame but the husband created a fake webpage to show that the money was still in their savings and lied to her for 2 years. I would be beyond pissed. I would try to work it out but probably on a trial seperation along with some counseling. But what he did was put his family into major debt and then lied about it. I don't think I could forgive him for that. I know she is at fault for this too but I just couldn't see staying in a marriage with this kind of manipulation.
**Edited for spelling errors
Kaylee I totally understand what you are saying. I do think half of this is the OP's fault but at the same time...he purposely lied and deceived her. It would be one thing if she just never asked but he set up a fake webpage to lead her into believing they had savings. This is much worse than him getting them into a bad financial situation. I could never trust someone like that again - and that is what my marriage is built upon - trust.
However, I wouldn't make a decision TODAY about what to do - I would give it some time and try to work it out through marriage counseling. But trust and loyalty are two qualities that are so important to me, I doubt I would ever get over it and have a "normal" marriage.
How horribly scary...it's the fake website part that bothers me more than anything else. It kind of reminds me of that scene in The Shining when she discovers that all this time her husband has been writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over and over instead of writing his book. Very chilling.
I feel very badly for her regardless of her financial decisions. That is rough, no two ways about it, especially for this time of year.
This. That lie had to take a LOT of work and planning.
I think underlying issues would determine the divorce aspect for me. I mean, if they were just living above their means, yes I would be beyond pissed and it would certainly be a big possibility. But I don't know that it would be 100% a deal breaker.
However, if there was another REASON for the lost money: Drugs, hookers, etc... yes. Gone.
And I thought my H was a poor money manager...
my bookshelf!
Bloggy
I would be very angry and upset, and we would definitely be going to counseling. But I still don't think I would leave DH over that. The way I interpreted it (which I could be totally wrong), he wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to be able to stay home with their little boys. I know when DH wants to buy something, but we can't really reasonably afford it, it's hard for me to say "No, we need to wait" because I want him to be able to get what he wants. Maybe her husband is just really bad at saying "No, we can't afford to do that". Maybe he kept using some savings money for bills and thought "Oh, we'll just get caught up next month and put the money back in savings" but that never happened. And by the time it got pretty serious, he was too afraid or too ashamed to tell her. I've had times where I spent more than I had planned and I was ashamed to tell DH (of course I told him, but I could see how this guy would not want to tell his wife). Maybe I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt. But to me, that shows me that I cannot trust him with finances by himself, not that I can't trust at all about anything. If he was truly sorry and knew he had messed up, then I think I'd be able to forgive him. That's just my opinion about what I would do in the situation. I'm not trying to flame you guys for saying you'd leave your Hs, I was just surprised. I'm just saying that's not something that I could see ending my marriage.
Kaylee & Cole 06.14.08
8/6/11 First 5k! OG&E Expo Run 34:47
9/3/11 Brookhaven Run 5k 34:18
9/17/11 Healthy Sooners Fun Run 5k 33:38
10/15/11 Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 33:31
10/29/11 Monster Dash 5k 32:06 PR!
11/11/11 Veteran's Day Run 11k in Dallas 1:13:15 Instant PR!
1/28/12 Texas Half Marathon 2:38:03 Instant PR!
3/25/12 Earlywine Dash
I agree with one of the posters who said this is a character issue. This isn't about making someone happy or having money problems. The depth of deceit he went to in order to cover up his tracks is SCARY. I would feel shaken to my core that I'm married to someone who could do this to me... as if I don't really know who I married after all. I'd have to wonder how shady his expenses are too... who knows what he was really doing with all that money, especially considering how he tried to hide his wrongdoing. He sets a bad example as a father, and frankly I wouldn't want to be associated with someone of that character.
And I agree she seems to be as dumb as rocks too. I don't understand all the sympathetic posts for her as she doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the bunch.
As I was reading more into everything, I kept thinking of John Lint... the guy who was in debt and had lied so much about his job and money to his family that he decided they would be better off dead instead of on welfare, so he killed them all and left town with a new identity. No one knew for a whole month they were dead, and it took them like 20 years to catch the guy.
my bookshelf!
Bloggy
I agree. I would be incredibly ticked off and definitely have trust issues, but I would at least give counseling a shot and try to work it out. He wouldn't be in charge of finances anymore, that's for sure.
I also think it's easy to talk a big game about getting a divorce when something like this happens, but until it actually happens to you, you won't know how you'd deal with it.
I don't know where she lives, but in some places it is very hard to get a decent house without a 1.5 hr one-way commute for under 250K.
I want to know more about this John Lint guy. I googled but couldn't find anything.
LOL, because I made a typo.. John List.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_List
my bookshelf!
Bloggy
There was no "influx of cash." Dad was using all credit cards to make his transactions. As far as I understand, he was doing things while mom was at work (dad didn't work, due to being ill) and was good at hiding things. I wasn't there to see all of it happen. My mom isn't one to let things slip by her financially, and she would have stopped it had she known. There is much more to this story than I would care to share or that I even know, honestly. However, I can understand when someone is blindsided by finance fraud like the OP, though I do believe she had turned a blind eye to her own spending and is definitely partly at fault here.
I am at a total loss for words. I don't know if I could divorce D, but that would be something so hard to get over. I think for me it would probably end in divorce because I don't think any amount of counseling is going to get me to forgive what he did. That guy was putting on a show and living well beyond his means. While I do feel sorry for her, I cannot see how she never checked her bank.
I stopped reading at the bottom of the 2nd page where she started talking about him getting everything together for her and making a spread sheet for her...Are you kidding me?? That is what got her in trouble in the first place...letting him do it all. I would going through the history on his computer, work computer, phone, everything. Going to the bank myself. I am beyond furious for this girl and her children, but come on!! She needs to start doing things for herself.
As soon as I started reading it, my mind jumped straight to my dad and what he did to me. In a period of 9 years he blew through roughly $90k of my mother's SS checks that I got...during the last 3 he blew through another $90k from her life insurance policy, and left me with nothing. It is just unimaginable to me. It has been 7 years since I found out about my dad and I am still not over it. I can't even imagine D doing that to me.
I didn't read any of the replies on the OP, but I have to say that I don't think I would automatically look to divorce. We would need a TON of counseling and a period of separation I am sure, and I don't know if we could work it out, but I would want to try.
I would want to know where all the money went though and if it went to something I didn't agree with (like drugs, sex, etc) then that might be a dealbreaker. The other part that creeps me out is that he made that fake webpage. That just seems creepy to me.
I also want to add that if I wanted to spend all our money and not tell H I think it would take him a longass time to figure it out, if he ever did. He doens't look at our bank accts every really and I don't think he would notice. I would also never do that though.