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Are there any men on here? Sex question.
If there are, perhaps they can help me. Heck, I'll take other advice as well. No one can tell me I didn't know what I was getting into, but my husband has never been all that into sex. When we were a brand new couple, two or three times a week was about the norm, and for the last seven years it's been pretty much once a month. I know that seems bad, but I reconciled myself to his disinterest in sex when I finally decided to marry him. He's a wonderful, sweet man and he's my best friend, but sometimes I just feel... well... sort of repulsive as a result. I've asked several times (I can get pretty kinky when I want to), and he doesn't seem specifically turned on by almost anything. Are there any sensitive men on here that can help me to help him? I've taken care of myself, and my appearance hasn't changed much during our relationship, so it isn't anything physical... any tips?
How do I seduce a sensitive guy?
Re: Are there any men on here? Sex question.
OK,...I'll bite!....My thoughts in no particular order;
a) You are apparently confusing "sensitive" with 'sensual'. Just because he is a sensitive man does NOT mean that he is particularly sexy. This may quite simply be a case of dispparate sexual appetites.
b) Just because you have "asked several times" does not mean that you have really got to the nitty-gritty of the real situation. And, I'm not sure what your "...pretty kinky..." comment is about in this context. You need to have friendly and completely non tension conversations about sexuality in general terms before most of us men will let you in!....especially for a sexual partner. Just because you are best friends, do NOT assume that he is ready to open his heart to you about his sexual identity,...this is an utterly private area for many men being tied up to their innermost feelings and ego.
c) Most men are VERY VERY SENSITIVE about their ability to satisfy their women. A man's ability to have sex is entirely bound by his production of semen as this in turn controls his erectile capacity (in an untrained man) Unlike a woman a man can't keep having sex and reaching orgasm. Once his supply of semen is depleted his sexual time is over until his body can replenish his tanks! Many men find this embarassing and intimidating especially if their woman has a healthy sexual appetite. The only way out of this dilemma for many men is to not get involved in a sexual session unless they are absolutely sure they can sustain an erection and perform adequately,...it's a MAJOR EGO thing for a lot of men. Because of this, many men easily lose their sexual confidence once they have a bad experience.
There is an answer to this problem but most men never find it. Those boring sex manuals are not much help either with the "you always have your mouth and fingers" advice. The only way is to train yourself to separate erection/intercourse from ejaculation,...in short, you don't have to ejaculate every time you have sex and if it's important to you to always be adequate in bed then you will get clever at conserving your strength, just like any other demanding physical activity. The books by the woman sexologist Dr Barbara Keesling have excellent advice and methods of sexual conservation and actually becoming multi-orgasmic. I can attest that her methods work very well indeed with some work and application.
d) The actual answer to this problem is to deal with it as a couple, on exactly equal terms with honest and kind communication. You need to have a gentle (NOT "kinky") heart to heart about finding solutions to bringing you sexual appetites closer together over the next months and years.
Be honest with him that you are not having enough sex and that you need him more often. Tell him that you have sympathy if he cannot quite meet your needs and that yo still respect and love him just as much,..This is VERY IMPORTANT.
Try to start by asking him to have sex on an extra occasion WITHOUT ejaculation and just to make you happy! Ask him to do it simply for you and make it plain that you would value and enjoy his unselfish attempts to please you,.....most men have grown up priding themselves on doing a good job whatever it is, and we really do like to please a nice woman!
Also, develop lots of non-genital love-play,...full body massage and lots of cuddles so that your intimacy as a couple is enhanced. that will help a lot in encouraging him to be loving and communicative.
e) Finally, there may be all sorts of reasons for his apparent lack of interest,....he may, sadly, have found someone else or be latently gay. He may find your sexual demands annoying or intimidating,...he may, as suggested be having some hormonal or physical problem (although not enough to stop sex completely)...or he may have simply become bored with the sameness of sex, or have secret desires that he feels he cannot tell you. All of this can be sorted out by calm and kind conversation once he feels he can talk to you. Your first task is to persuade him that he can really open up to you and tell you exactly how he feels.
This exactly. Sounds like he really needs to see his doctor.
You married him knowing that his sex drive didn't match yours. Why?
Some probing questions:
Does he masturbate regularly? Or is he just not into sex? Does he drink alcohol or do recreational drugs like pot on a regular basis?
Is he physically affectionate at other times? Does he hug and kiss you regularly? Does he avoid physical contact with you? Does he reject your advances frequently?
When sex does happen, what leads up to it? Does he give in to your pleading or does he initiate? Does he seem fully engaged in the act? Is he fully erect and maintain the erection for the entire sex act? Is he going through the motions? How long does it last? Does he consistently achieve orgasm? Do you? Are alcohol or other intoxicants involved (i.e. to get him in the mood)?
Have you guys actually done some of these "kinky" things you mention, or are they just in your mind? If you have done them, is he into these things? Over the years of your relationship, have there been moments where he seems really sexually interested in whatever you were doing?
So...depending on the answers to these questions:
1.) He secretly masturbates and prefers that to his live partner.
2.) He has a hormone imbalance or testosterone deficiency and needs medical attention.
3.) He just has a lower sex drive period. It is what it is.
4.) He has some psychological hangup about sex that he isn't addressing.
5.) He has some freaky wild fantasies that he just can't tell you and their repression has led to frustration.
6.) He is gay and thought that getting married to a woman would solve the problem.
You need to decide how big of an issue this is for you. Look down the road at the next 20-30-40 years of marriage. The once a month will dwindle even further. You need to think about exactly what you want so that you can be clear with him. Do you want to have sex once a week? Do you want sex to last longer than it currently does? Do you want more orgasms in each session? Having concise desires outlined ahead of time will prevent the conversation from devolving into "Why don't you want me?
Call the ball now, before you have children, and tell him that you have to deal with this imbalance in your sexual desires. Now. Tell him that you desire him and that you want to have more sex with him. Ask him why you guys don't have sex more often...point blank. Don't let him get away with "I dunno". Ask him if he is satisfied with your current level of sexual activity. Repeat that you would like to have more sex than you are having currently. Look him in the eye and ask him "What are we going to do about this situation? It is serious to me, therefore it should be serious to you. What are we going to do to raise the level of sexual intimacy in our relationship?"
Have u heard the song by Carly Simon if I am not interested do me any how.
Don't ask take action
get him arouseed by touch,kiss,rubbing
be bare naked
grab his male organ on ur hand
show him where to touch you
kiss him with urgency and wild abandon
tell him u want him inside u
make love to him not just sex
finally don't give u keep it up until he responds
one more thing make sure he is fully satisfied and u too like its the last time for u and him.
ugh I am so sick of everyone telling people to send their men to the doctor when they aren't doing something they think they should.
Most likely the guy just has a low sex drive. Not every guy wants sex every day...heck I don't have energy for that. I'd probably like it more than I get it right now, but that doesn't mean I'd want it all the time. Once a month is pretty low though which is strange. Some of the questions people asked woujld be interesting to hear...
Was there ever a time where you pushed away his advances repeatedly? Maybe he got hung up on that and has rejection issues now or something.
I think that most healthy adults would want sex more than once a month. Also, the fact that they have previously had sex more frequently (2-3 times a week) indicates that he has had a higher sex drive in the past. When an individual has gone from having sex 8-12 times a month to once a month, it is reasonable to think that there might be a biological cause for the marked diminishment of sexual drive.
Plus the statement "The penis is the dipstick to a man's health" is frequently heard for a reason.
Finally, if the OP decides that lack of sexual intimacy is a deal breaker for her, she will want to be sure that they have exhausted all options before deciding to divorce her husband.
Oldbugle and daringmiss have pretty much said it all.
Only thing I could add is that I've heard a lot of "men's" conversations from where my desk sits. While some distance away and around the corner, their lunchroom sounds reflect perfectly to my position.
Best said is that I've had a lot of illusions and about men removed.Been married a while too and past the point of worrying or having to prove anything . DH if asked can be rather frank if I question something.
Sex for men can be similar to a new video game, new boat, new snowmobile, new truck etc. Lots of anticipation, the thrill of the "new toy" then familiarity, even boredom sets in.
Some men are not into romance like the perfect men in movies and romance novels. If they need sex and if it's easier and less costly for the similar satisfaction of masturbation rather than.........They will primarily masturbate.
How many women have sex to feel "loved and wanted" rather than because they feel horny? Men can sense that and feel rejected sexual wise.
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Since the frequency has been 1X a month for all of the relationship except for the very beginning, I think OP is just seeing the difference between "honeymoon" period and real life. Going to the doctor would make sense if it was a sudden change, but this sounds like how the H really is.
To the OP I'd say to tell your husband that the success of your marriage may be hinging on how open he is to solving this issue. Definitely have him see a doctor to rule out physical problems, but I think this is a compatibility issue, and the H may not even think he has a problem. Maybe see if he's open to seeing a sex therapist, but you may be facing your future if you stay with this guy.
It is normal for sex to wane, especially if you've been together for a good chunk of time.
You're not happy with the amount of sex? Eh, have you spoken to him about this frankly and openly and at length? If not, I suggest you start NOW --- doesn't look like there is much communication in your marriage at all.
He needs to meet you halfway on this. GL.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.