Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Hypothetical WWYD....
If you had horrific in-laws (like mine!) and DH was considering applying for a new job in a small rural town near where you grew up, with a pay raise, would you do it?
This would put us two hours away from all of his toxic family, and within one hour of my parents and high school friends.
I have made my pros and cons list, and the biggest, boldest pro is AWAY FROM THE TOXIC INLAWS. Would you base a big life decision on this, or consider all aspects involved first? (Leaving my job and career, which I love, our house is completely finished and in a great school district, etc.)
Re: Hypothetical WWYD....
Sure!
You know the area; so does he, I am guessing. Maybe it would be good for the both of you.
i wouldn't even have time to type. i would be too busy packing.
but then again, YOU know whats best for YOU
You can find another job you love; you can find other houses and schools you'll love.
This job comes with a bigger paycheck and the incalculable bonus of getting away from his family's drama.
Sounds like a done deal to me!
I love pro/ con lists (I make them all the time
) If you guys want to do it, go! If it still bothers you that "away from in-laws" factors so heavily into the "pro" side, try this: re-arrange your list and make it "Running towards" and "Running from" instead of "pro" and "con". Things like "Away from in-laws" "Leaving crappy HOA" and "Away from nosy neighbor" are things for the "Running from" column; things like "Better school system" "Close to Mom and Dad" "Close to Bob and Harriet" "Friendly small town atmosphere" etc. etc. are things for the "Running towards" column. What you'll find is that the "Running from" column starts just showing you things about your present situation that you don't like- things that could be fixed by this move or could also be fixed by a move somewhere else or could by fixed by something else, even. Things in the "Running towards" column will show you things about the specific situation you're considering that you like and want to have in your life.
I had a professor who showed me that trick when I was very conflicted over whether or not to make a big move after college. I love that trick, it's the quickest way I've ever found to reframe my thinking. Good luck with your decision!
I wouldn't base the decision on that alone but it would be a big factor.
Closer to my family, away from his, pay raise. With those things going for the job, if I felt confident that I could find a job in the area for myself I would be all about it.
My sanity and my marriage is worth more than a house and a job....I'd do it if I had the chance!!
What happens when you get together with your family again? Oh yeah, your H turns into a snotty, jealous little baby because your family isn't dysfunctional and his is and he ends up ruining everybody's day, including your kids.
Your ILs have never been the common denominator in the problems you have. But hey, give it a shot. It couldn't be any worse than it is now. Maybe this is what you need. But I think you'll find that your problems will follow you no matter where you move.
I don't think you have to be completely certain of moving to apply. You do have to consider it because no one wants to waste their time with an application with zero potential of accepting. But you certianly have a strong enough list to put in an A-game, huge effort to get an interview and offer. And then decide if the offer is good enough to move for.
I think you are unecessarily beating yourself up.
And I think there is a bit of guilt (yet again) that you dislike DH's family so much. While you don't want to base life decisions on getting the hell away from them, they have certainly given you enough grief to ber hot on the idea of putting a bit more distance between you all.
So, what does your DH's list look like. Does he want to apply?
I am not debating him applying for the job; I said go for it immediately. If/when he got an offer, we would have to have a serious discussion of everything involved, and make a decision.
It's just sad that my first thought was that we would be leaving his family behind, and there is no way they could/would come visit us. It would eliminate the talks of having his brother visit our home, his mom coming by when I am at work, and all the drama/stupidness we deal with. It would make MY life so much easier, and our relationship too....
As far as his attitude with being closer to my family, that would be a challenge. I would never want it to be "thrown at me" that we did this huge move and then he would be miserable. And we would only be closer to my parents, not aunts/uncles/cousins, siblings, etc.
I absolutely believe that it will be thrown in your face at some point that you moved closer to your parents.
And two hours is not exactly far - he could (and not doubt will) still insist from time to time that his family be allowed to come. He may insist even more actually since you will be closer to your parents.
There's definitely no harm in applying. He should at least do that.
But how easy do you expect it to be for you to find a new job? Have you looked at the classifieds in the area that you might be moving to? Will his payraise be enough to compensate your loss of income if you aren't able to get a salary equal to what you're making at your job now?
You're in Southeast MI - I'm in Southwest MI, and the housing market here is horrible and I hear it's even worse over there. What do you own on your house, and do you think you could get that much out of it selling? Our house was on the market for 6 months while I was commuting 90 minutes each way, we finally gave up and are renting it out while we rent a house closer to work.......not ideal, but we have no other choices. Do you have a Plan B (and even Plans C and D) for if your house doesn't sell quickly after your husband accepts the job? Again, is his payraise enough to compensate for all of this?
These are the types of things that I'd be thinking about and putting on my pros and cons list. Getting away from your inlaws - no matter how much you don't like them - should be one of the last things you use to make this decision.
If they are truly toxic, yes, yes I would.
In my life, I did not make that choice when I had the opportunity, and it bled into my family in ways much deeper than I imagined. Severing things after years of living within their sphere of influence was much more difficult and not as clean as it could have been. If I could do it over again I would in a heartbeat.