Would you divorce your H over this?

mamie329 · December 2010

Just read this post on MM. Do you think you could stay with your H if he did what this guy did?

http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/46889325.aspx

Leigha12 · December 2010

Honestly, it's really hard to say. We'd definitely be separating right now. After taking some time to sort through the mess and get to the root of the spending issue, then I'd probably decide if it were counseling (which could potentially still end in divorce) or straight to the lawyers. Unless she can find $50K worth of junk around their house they've bought in the last year, I'd have a really hard time believing they blew it as a family. If that were the case, maybe counseling. If anything else were behind the money disappearing, lawyers it would be!

Don't Hassle the Hoff · December 2010

Absolutely. Money is a very serious thing. Blatantly lying is also very serious. Blatantly lying over $50K is a deal breaker.

Even though I feel horrible for this woman, I think she was flucking dumb. Just plain dumb. No offense to anyone here who has their H control their finances, but if you don't at least open a bill once in a while or ask to see bank statements you're just adding to the problem. Not to mention, come tax time you should be seeing all those documents anyway.

SBS0628 · December 2010

If it were just me & DH, I'd *might* seek counseling (though would likely end up divorcing...), but only because if I behaved as this woman had, I'd feel guilty/partially responsible for at least the financial aspect. But if we had kids - especially two one-year-olds - I wouldn't even look behind me as I was getting the heck outta there. That's ridiculous. I guess it's my inner mama bear, but while I'd be willing to trudge through the mess as a wife, I couldn't do it as a mother.

The thing that gets me the most from all of this is not the spending, not the ignorance about household finances, and not even the verbal deceit -- it's the fact that he created a FAKE WEB PAGE to deceive her. THAT blows my mind.

Don't Hassle the Hoff · December 2010

SBS0628:
If it were just me & DH, I'd *might* seek counseling (though would likely end up divorcing...), but only because if I behaved as this woman had, I'd feel guilty/partially responsible for at least the financial aspect. But if we had kids - especially two one-year-olds - I wouldn't even look behind me as I was getting the heck outta there. That's ridiculous. I guess it's my inner mama bear, but while I'd be willing to trudge through the mess as a wife, I couldn't do it as a mother.

The thing that gets me the most from all of this is not the spending, not the ignorance about household finances, and not even the verbal deceit -- it's the fact that he created a FAKE WEB PAGE to deceive her. THAT blows my mind.

SBS, I would think the complete opposite. If it were just Paul and I I wouldn't even think twice about telling him to screw. With two 1 yr olds I might try a little harder to make it work.

SBS0628 · December 2010

Don't Hassle the Hoff:
SBS0628:

If it were just me & DH, I'd *might* seek counseling (though would likely end up divorcing...), but only because if I behaved as this woman had, I'd feel guilty/partially responsible for at least the financial aspect. But if we had kids - especially two one-year-olds - I wouldn't even look behind me as I was getting the heck outta there. That's ridiculous. I guess it's my inner mama bear, but while I'd be willing to trudge through the mess as a wife, I couldn't do it as a mother.

The thing that gets me the most from all of this is not the spending, not the ignorance about household finances, and not even the verbal deceit -- it's the fact that he created a FAKE WEB PAGE to deceive her. THAT blows my mind.

SBS, I would think the complete opposite. If it were just Paul and I I wouldn't even think twice about telling him to screw. With two 1 yr olds I might try a little harder to make it work.

See, I come from divorced parents. My father was a complete f*ck-up, and our family was pretty miserable until my mother got the good sense to finally tell him to shove off. One of the things he was horrible about was money, and it took my mom a LONG time, but she finally built our life back up from the mess he left us with. My brothers and I are such better people because of it, and I can guarantee we wouldn't have been where we are now if they had kept trying to make a relationship based on lying/deceit work "for the kids."

Don't Hassle the Hoff · December 2010

How old were you when this happened? I am just wondering bc I feel like with twins under the age of 2 it might be an exception to the rule. If I were in this position and my kids were, say, 8-10 or something...at least school age I would also tell him to punt. Being a single parent with twins I think would be a bit harder than having two kids that were school age. This is JMO though. I don't come from divorced parents or anything, but they did live paycheck to paycheck my whole life and money was ALWAYS an issue.

In this position I might try to keep him around for a couple years to help with the kids and then tell him to leave. I dunno. It's hard to even say what I would do....

SBS0628 · December 2010

Hoff - I was eight. My one brother was two; the other was six months. Granted, we have a strong family support network nearby - grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. - who all stepped in.

I don't think it'd be EASIER with kids, I just think I'd be more likely to leave if there WERE kids. Fine if he couldn't take care of me (I should have been taking care of myself), but to do that to our children would just be unforgivable. Granted, I'm still kinda surprised at HER for being so "eh, he had problems, whatever" and handing over control in the first place...then again, if he's a deceitful as he sounds, it seems like he would've found a way to lie/hide it anyway (with more credit cards or something).

Don't Hassle the Hoff · December 2010

In the end I think it's tough to say what anyone would do in this situation until you were faced with it. The guy's a scumbag, but I feel like the woman was to blame too, for sure. You can't go living your life spending spending spending and not ever think that maybe there's an issue.

hawkilady · December 2010

While I feel sorry for her, I also think she's stupid. Who just turns over the finances to someone completely when you know they've had problems. Work on them jointly, give him bits and pieces of control. That's just completley dumb to not even check it for 2 years.

That being said, I don't know what I would do. With 1 year old twins, I dont think I could just say that's it, you're out. I would have to know more -- where did the money go? Is he gambling, overspending, etc? Was I living beyond our means too and just don't know it?

My biggest issue would be the trust -- he deliberately lied and decived her, I dont know that I could forgive that. Money is money -- sure they are in a big hole now but that can be fixed, the trust issue, I dont know.

luckycooky · December 2010

I would find out where the money went, get the answers that I need to start building my life again and give him the boot. I completely agree with PP that she is partially to blame for not even questioning anything for 2 years.

The shiity part of it is that she is on the hook for a lot of these debts because they occurred during the marriage. But I don't know that I could trust him enough not to continue the charade and make things worse if I stayed in the marriage. If he created a fake web page, what other low would he sink to? She just needs to get out asap and go into clean-up mode for the sake of her and her kids.

vhcoleman09 · December 2010

The short answer is it depends. I would definitely start with separation, no question, until I knew where the money went. I'd demand counseling and complete control of the finances. After some time and counseling and trust-building, I'd consider going back. The twins would be the complicating factor, because like hoff, I would imagine that it'd be a whole lot easier for me to peace out if it were just me and DH.

angelfire0412 · December 2010

This is insanity. I would be livid. I handle our finances and if I did this to my H, I feel like it would be just a complete and total Eff You to him (not to mention our family). I am responsible with our money out of respect for him and how hard he works for it and the life we want to build together. To completely blow that out the window and go to such lengths to lie about it?! I don't know, but I just can't imagine doing that to someone I truly love. So my answer would probably be yes I would leave, because there are obviously deep trust and respect issues in this scenario.

keb270 · December 2010

I would like to think that I would leave, because trust is a HUGE thing for me, but where would I go? She doesn't have a job, she has her kids to think of etc. I think I would want to know where the money went and then see if counseling would work. I do think she should have been more involved in the finances. DH does all our bills but I have web access to all our accounts, we track things on Mint.com, and I usually open the mail which means that I am aware of what our financial situation is. I can't imagine having no idea where 50k went!

Would you divorce your H over this?

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