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MIL and Mom trying to control the holidays
DH and I live within 20 minutes of my family and his (his parents are divorced). We used to drive around all day Thanksgiving and Christmas to see everyone. DH mom's side would always serve lunch/dinner 2.5 hours late, causing us to eat and then have to leave to go to my mom's. This happened a few times, or DH's mom's side would show up 2 plus hours late than they said.
We decided to rotate holidays. We are doing ONE dinner and seeing one family each holiday. rotating.
Well, we did this last year and my mom was less than nice about us not being at her house (even though we saw my family C. Eve for a couple hours). We are spending Christmas with my side this year, but my mom wants us to go to my grandparents (who live in my parents neighborhood) tonight. I told her I didn't know what we were doing tonight, we will see you tomorrow and she got all snotty and was like mmm, ok. Very short on the phone after me saying we may not be over there tonight. It is not a dinner or anything, just my family hanging out. Well, I called her out and said why mmm, ok? We are seeing you tomorrow, not sure about tonight. She accuses me of seeing my husband's family tonight (we are not-even if we did, who cares? at least we woudl see his on C. Eve/mine on Christmas.)
My mom also acts like DH's family tries to control everything and she is the controlling one. MIL is too, and DH had to tell her we saw you for Christmas last year, we are doing Christmas with her family. MIL still tries to invite us, sends us an invite, gets SIL to try to get us over to her house for an "early" dinner...etc..
What do I do? I cannot stand that MIL and my mom cannot let us just do what we want.
Re: MIL and Mom trying to control the holidays
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto Stw!
I would also advise you against allowing your mom to be the go-between with you and your grandparents. Your grandparents might be disappointed and not telling you, but if they want to see you, they need to make the call.
Also, if it was so important that your grandparents see you, they knew you were doing your family at Christmas!
Do what you want. You have a LO now. You need to do what is best for YOU and YOUR family. Its too bad, but your mom is only "extended family" now. She's moved down a notch on family status. So don't listen to her!
Tell them both that if these shennanigans continue, you will be spending they holiday's together. Just the two of you. No travel, no multiple meals, no drama. Then follow through.
"I know you want us to spend the holiday with you. We are going to (whatever the plan is). You are making this difficult for us and if you do not stop pressuring us we will spend the day at home with just the two of us." Then, like PP said, follow through!
My mom got snippy and annoyed because I didn't indulge her phone-pity party last night while I was juggling a million things. Yeah, I get that your annoyed again at whatever happens every year - but I've got my hands full and will see you tomorrow.
Yeah, cold and annoyed.
It happens. Go live yor life. No one dies from it.
Thanks-my grandparents are actually going over to my mom's tomorrow, but DH and I are not going to spend 3 days in a row with them!
Thanks for the advice-it helped a lot! It's good to know that I am not the only one with the holiday family issues. Thanks!
Too late for this year, obviously, for this advice, but since it is bound to happen again - here are what I think are your options:
1) Host everything yourself, inviting both sides of the family over to your place (or where ever you may have to rent for space). Do not expect everyone to RSVP with a yes.
2) You and your DH take off for the holidays - just the two of you...inform them now of this plan, make reservations so that when it is announced, you have an anchor not to back down. {edited to add: You don't have to take off, you can stay home. Alternatively, you can also choose at the time of the year, to pop in or accept invitations from whatever family member you choose. Ignore the guilt trips.}
3) Stop rotating holidays - because one year something *will* happen (someone will be sick, someone will be dying, someone themselves will make alter plans, someone will have their 1st child, 1st child's christmas, etc)...and then you'll be stuck in the "but we didn't get our turn with you last year" or worse, "but even though you saw us last year, *this* year is *supposed* to be our turn" - Pick one holiday for you and DH, one holiday for you, DH and your parents, another for his parents. And repeat that every year. So every year MIL will know it's Thanksgiving with her, every year Christmas is with your mother, and every year Easter is with FIL.
4) Continue this same crazy cycle, feeling more and more powerless every year because with every passing year, you'll be less and less firm about being able to introduce your own needs and become resentful for it. Too many of us have been on that hamster wheel and can tell you if we had made our break earlier, it would have been cleaner for all involved.