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Family and Holidays Love/Hate (LONG) Advice needed
My FI have been together a little over a year, we got engaged a few months ago. This is our first Christmas REALLY together. He is not a big family man...he and his mom aren't close (at all), and he's spent the last ten holiday seasons or so on his own. He hates the holidays, especially Christmas.
I have a very big, very close knit family. I have always spent holidays with the whole crew, going to a couple of different festivities with each of my parents' sides every time. I love my family, and being around them, and celebrating with them. I really enjoy the holidays.
This year FI came with me to my family's stuff at Thanksgiving, and we're here now for Christmas. Last night was a big thing with one side of my family, and he came and played along some. He brought his best friend with us (the three of us are like a family in the city where we live...I'm happy they're both here and not spending Christmas alone). Anyway, after about thirty minutes, I could tell he was getting miserable. But he stuck it out for me.
This morning, we did Christmas morning with my parents and sibling. It was a MUCH smaller group (7 total) which should be better for FI, as he's more comfortable around smaller groups. But I could tell he was miserable. I asked him about it, and he didn't want me to leave, and he wouldn't go without me. In a couple of hours we'll head to the last of the Christmas gatherings. How do I handle the fact that he's miserable but toughing it out for me? I love that he's willing to come with me even though he hates the holidays. I love that he's willing to give the family thing a shot even though he's always hated his own...but it hurts when I look over to him and see that he's not happy. He thinks my family doesn't like him, but I tend to think it's because he walks around family gatherings with a giant cloud of " off" around him. My family has always been great about inclusion.
Any advice on how to deal? Compromises? I just feel a little lost. This is the first time I've ever really had a family outside of my big close-knit extendeds. Maybe I'm crazy...but I'm definitely confused.
Re: Family and Holidays Love/Hate (LONG) Advice needed
Is there a reason why he has to take part in the extended family get-together? Why not just Christmas morning with the smaller, immediate family? That sounds like a fair compromise to me.
Your H is obviously and introvert (as am I), and we tend to get worn out by being in groups of people for extended periods of time. I'm guessing you are an extrovert, who gets energized being in a group, although maybe it's only with family. I do end up needing a break from people after a while, even my own family.
Now that he's your FI, you will probably need to scale back the Christmas gatherings a bit, at least until he has spent some time with your family. Chances are, once he's spent some time with your family, and gets comfortable with the get-together's, you'll be able to do more or stay longer. But this is part of his makeup, and you guys will have to find a compromise.
He went, and spent what sounds like quite a bit of time with your family. Give him a break, let him skip one of them, unless he's pouting about you being gone. At least he gave it a shot, after years of not participating in holidays at all.
ETA: But, since this is your first Christmas together, and you guys have only been together for a little over a year, maybe this is just a part of his personality he's managed to keep hidden until now. If being with your family for holidays is important to you, you may have to decide if it's a deal-breaker. Does he try to keep you from going out without him at other times? How is he in crowds otherwise?
This. I grew up in a small family where I barely knew my mom's side, wasn't super close to my dad's side, and for the longest time my relationship with my parents and sister were "meh." It resulted in the opposite for me, though. I actually craved the idea of having a large family. It always felt empty with just my sister and I and very few cousins I was close to. When I met DH and soon after met his extremely large family it was literally like winning the lottery. I embraced his family (imagine 6-7 aunts/uncles on EACH SIDE and all of them procreating like bunnies!) with a lot of excitement. That meant the holidays was always an exhausting whirlwind of family parties and cousin get-togethers.
In the beginning DH made it clear that it was important to him that the person he was with embraced his large family because they were that important to him. In a way, that was a deal-breaker for him. Knowing that the family was that important to him made me realize there was no way I was going to sit any of this out. Sure it can be exhausting. We been together for 6 years and I'm still trying to figure out names! But I knew that in his family culture spouses don't just sit out. They participate in the ridiculous games, let the aunties stuff them with food, and laugh until your insides hurt. I can't imagine DH being ok or comfortable with a DW who wasn't as enthusiastic about his family as he is.
So in the end, if this is the man you choose to marry despite his lack of desire to be around large groups then you're signing up for a lot of silent huffing and puffing and/or solo attendance. Obviously if this is the first time he's been around most of your extended family then you need to cut the guy some slack. Maybe you should've eased him in a bit with only 1-2 events this year and then increase it next year. Talk to him out what exactly he's feeling. Is it always large groups or just the need to get to know your family in smaller doses at first before building it up? Either way you know what you're signing up for so you need to decide what's more important.
Thank you ladies for the input. I offered to let him opt out of any or all of the family gatherings. We scaled down the Christmas day festivities to give him a little time to decompress. We talked a little bit when we got back to the hotel. With my small fam, he had this look all morning that just radiated misery. I mentioned that when we got back to the hotel. Wehn we went to the big family thing later, he reined in that vibe a little, and I think it went better.
He seems to have this long-suffering-saint attitude about the whole holiday/family thing. He wouldn't hear of missing anything I went to, and he wouldn't hear leaving early, woudn't hear NOT playing the traditional (in my family) White Elephant. I offered him all these outs when we talked about the holidays both BEFORE we left for my hometown, and before/between everything that was on the agenda for the day. I know that Christmas makes him ishy, that big gatherings aren't his thing, and that he wouldn't hear of not coming, so I tried everything I could do to give him as many outlets as I could. But he stayed where I was and stuck out the whole family thing.
We do need to talk about it again. Maybe he'd be into therapy. He very much wants our kids' childhoods to not be like his. Hopefully we'll figure something out.
It definitely sounds like he's trying to act the martyr and it even sounds like he wants you to acknowledge his martyrdom as though his sacrifice is soooooo wonderful and you're soooooo grateful that he's putting up with your family. I'm even thinking that maybe you shouldn't give attention to this behavior. Every time you bring it up or give him an "out" you're giving attention to his childish behavior. I think you should give him his once chance of an out first thing in the morning and then after that his behavior and willingness (or unwillingness) to keep it a positive experience for HIM is up to him and only him. He's an adult, therefore it's really not your job to make sure he's having a good time. He made the choices he made to be the martyr but it doesn't mean his behavior should be rewarded by you.
In your OP you said twice that you "could tell he was miserable." Did he actually say he was miserable? Has he ever said he was miserable at any of these gatherings, or are you just assuming he must be because his family history sucks?
It sounds to me like he's trying to be a good sport about the whole thing but you're the one babying him by offering him all these outs and constantly checking up on him, clucking over him like a mother hen, trying to convince him he's having a horrible time. Based on what you've written, you're the one forcing this martyrdom on him. He's a big boy. If he wants to leave or not attend at all, he can use his big boy words and tell you that. He doesn't need you to make these decisions for him.
My H is from a very small and spread out family (they're all in different states that aren't even close to each other).So he grew up with a very different idea than I did of how holidays are spent.
My family is huge. 20 people on one side and 19 on the other not including my 12 person immediate family. He's still learning names and getting comfortable with people and this was our fourth Christmas together. I make sure he has time to go and relax in a quiet room for at least a little while during the day if he wants.We take our own car every where so we can leave early if he needs to. (There are three Christmas gatherings in one day.) It usually makes for at least a 12 hour non stop people day.
Your FI sounds like he doesn't want your help to make the holidays easier. Maybe he just wants to be miserable.
I agree with ziti. Why are you sure so he is miserable at these events?
My husband has a very large extended family, while mine is rather small. I was used to intimate family gatherings at holidays with certain traditions, more formality, etc. It took time to find my place in a different family culture and vice versa. The first few holidays were overwhelming and a bit stressful, so I wouldn't say you are doomed at this point.
I would keep talking to him about it. I think it's a good sign that he's standing by your side and not leaving early. You present yourselves as a unit that way. I would ask him if there is anything you can do to make him feel more comfortable rather than asking him if he wants to leave. Honestly, I'd be annoyed if someone told me I looked bored repeatedly and should think about taking off. It sort of makes it seem like you'd be having more fun without him around to bring you down.
What are you doing to make him feel welcome at family events? Before you introduce him to relatives, tell him a little about them. Or as you introduce them, try to mention something they have in common so it's easier for him to strike up a converstation. Are you praising him in front of your relatives? Make it known that you love and appreciate him, and give him an ego boost at the same time. Can you think of an activity that he would enjoy that you all could do together and maybe shake off some of the tension, like a board game or something? You don't have to cater to martydom, but make sure you're doing your part to make him feel comfortable.
If you have truly been doing those types of things already and he truly is just moping about, I'd rethink whether you want a lifetime of guilt trips and pouting.