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Teenager help - wwyd?
I am in need of some good advice. I am married with 3 children, 18, 6 and 6 years old.
I have a problem with my son, who is almost 18. He has always been a good kid, and still is. However, lately, I have had a big problem with him being disrespectful and rude and he has been blowing up over silly things. I expect this from a 13 or 14 or even 15 year old, but the fact that it has started so late in his teens, I did not expect it. I was married to his dad for many years before we were divorced. I am now remarried and we have all been together, as a family, for almost 3 years.
My husband and I both like to stick to strict schedules and are very organized. We have limits on the amount of computer time and television time that we allow for the kids. Is that bad? Maybe, but it seems to work. Last night, my son was upset when we asked him to get off the computer because we were getting ready to sit down for dinner. He said that the computer was slow and he should get more time on it. He was not doing homework or anything pertaining to college, so there was no reason for him to argue about it. We told him that there was nothing wrong with the computer but there are storms all over the east coast possibly slowing the internet down, so we said that he could work on it again today. He threw a fit. He started screaming about how the computer was slow, how we were not listening to him, that he did not get his time on the computer, we were making him angry and that we were pissing him off. He was yelling obscenities in front of our 6 year old girls. He said how my husband (his step dad) was completely screwing him over. This went on for a half hour. My husband and I told him repeatedly to go in his room and cool off, but he said that he refused to do it. We kept our tone even because we were trying to get him to calm down but he wouldn't. Finally he stormed out and started slamming things in his room. The girls were shaking because he upset them so much.
This type of thing has happened before when we have told him that the time on the phone or computer is up, but it has never escalated the way it did last night. He has also gotten upset when we have asked him to do certain things for college or school, and if he did not, then he would lose computer or t.v. priveleges. I don't like taking things away from someone who is practically an adult.
I am at a loss for how to handle him. I am not afraid of him, but he is twice my size so if he ever got really angry I don't know if he would snap or what would happen. I know that my husband would do whatever he had to do, but no one wants it to come to that.
We do things as a family, so he is never excluded. We go to church and he will not bow his head and pray. This really bothers me because he has grown up in the church so he has always been exposed to it. He has said in so many words that he doesn't believe in God. We are planning to go out as a family on Friday and he said that he doesn't want to do anything with us.
My husband and I have a united front, so my son can't really pin us against each other. I will stand behind my son for anything, but if he is wrong, I am not going to.
I feel like I have failed as a mom sometimes but I have no idea how to fix it. Is he just itching to turn 18 so he can leave home? Possibly, but I don't think that he could make it on his own financially and my ex-husband will not take him in, so it isn't like he has a planned place to go. My husband has treated all 3 of my children as his own and he has never favored one over the other. As a mom, that would have been a red flag for me if I saw that.
Sorry that I am all over the place with this, but my brain is on overload wondering what to do. If any of you have any advice or tips on how to deal with this or if you think it is just a phase, please share your thoughts. I have suggested counseling to him and he "refuses".
Thanks in advance.
Re: Teenager help - wwyd?
You probably aren't going to agree with my advice, but here it is anyway.
You say that this behaviour is atypical of an 18 year old, and that you'd expect it more from a 14 year old. However, I can see from your ticker that you and your husband have been married less than two years. I suspect that you didn't handle the transition as well as you think. And, in all honesty, I think you're being too strict with an 18 year old. 18, IMHO, is too old to force him to go to church, and to have strict time limits on TV and computer time. There comes a time in which you have to hope that the parenting you have done to date is enough, and let your little bird start to fly a bit on his own. That time, IMHO, should be BEFORE he is ready to move out, so that he doesn't go into shock moving from a strict home into utter and total freedom once he's out on his own. That is often a recipe for disaster.
Of course he doesn't want to go to counselling- he's 18. What is in it for him? You might feel that he would benefit but from his perspective, there's no payoff.
I think you need to take a bit of a step back and make it clear that you love your son and are willing to respect his decision-making abilities. That includes allowing him to monitor his own TV and computer time (as long as it doesn't interfere with the needs of other family members- ie he can't look at Facebook all night while the other kids are waiting for a chance to do their homework) and choose his own religion, or lack thereof.
I also think you need to make him own his college decisions. He doesn't complete stuff for it? Sucks to be him. Don't punish him. However, I think it's entirely fair to say that if he's not going to college, then you start to charge him rent the day he graduates from high school (and make sure that he knows about this rule in advance). Don't take away his TV privileges. He's almost an adult- he needs to learn to sink or swim on his own.
It should be understood that such outbursts are not acceptable.
That said, this kid needs more freedom. He's acting like a 14 year old because you're treating him like one. Give him some room to grow and mature. Let him handle his school and college work. Let him control his TV time. If he stays up to late one night, too bad. He's tired at school. By letting him have more freedom to do things and natural consequences for his actions, you'll probably find that the school/college issues will improve.
As for church...I'm in the camp that if he wants to do something different or not go to church, let him figure it out. I think forcing church is a bad idea. That said, if you insist he goes, the requirement is to go and be respectful (no eye rolling, etc.); don't force him to participate. If he doesn't bow his head, so be it.
He's eighteen. He's an adult. Please stop monitoring his computer and tv time, or his bedtime, or anything else. The way people learn how to manage their own time is by doing it themselves. As far as his religion? Please. You really think you can tell an 18 year old what they have to believe, or that they should pretend to believe as you do for as long as they live with you? That's nuts. He should be respectful of your belief system, but not required to fake it if that's not what he really feels; how disrespectful of you to require that of him.
You're treating him like a child. Of course he should come when dinner is ready; that's general politeness. Of course you should be helping him with his college applications, it's time he's on that now,but its a particularly frightening thing for a person to do, so HELP him, don't push. There's a difference.
And before you ask, I have a seventeen year old and a fifteen year old. They manage their own time, do their own homework, make their own work schedules, play on the computer or not, listen to music or not, stay up or not, go to temple or not, as they see fit. It's my job to let them practice being adult, and catch them when they fall while trying and give them pointers on how to get back up, not try to see to it that they never fall. Is it hard for me? Yep. Is it scary to stand back and let them make mistakes? Yep. Gotta let go though.
And I agree with the poster above; you didn't have such a seamless family melding as you thought you did.
I suspect there is a lot more going here. How much time is he allowed on the computer? How much time are his siblings allowed? Have you talked to him about why he gets so upset over things that are not that big a deal? When he is calm and things are good, talk to him about these episodes. If you are concerned his bahavior may be related to underlying issues and he won't go to couseling, you can go. You are going to have two more teens at some point and if you don't know how to deal with them it might be a good idea to learn some new parenting skills now.
In my opinion, the rules should be relaxed for an 18 year old, not gone, but relaxed. He will be on his own in less than a year and he needs to be able to make good independant decisions. No one is going to monitor his computer time at college. I could be completely off base, but it sounds like your household is very strict. Teens frequently rebel in these situations. When my son was that age he had a TV in his room and played video games any time he could. He had limits but he also learned on this own that if he stayed up playing games, he would pay for it the next day as he still had to get up and go to school. He has learned that sending 10,000 texts in a month costs him a bundle (he paid the ridiculously high bill) and that spending your money on crap means you have no gas money and can't go anywhere. Your son is going to makes mistakes and screw up and act like a teenager. Screaming at you is going too far, but arguing is expected.
You can't force your son to believe in God or to pray and any relationshio with God is entirely up to him. You can force him to go, but you are going to have to give some where. My son says he is an athiest (not sure that he really is but it sounds cool). It doesn't bother in the least.
Maybe sitting down with him and asking what rules he doesnt like and what he thinks a good compromise would be could help.
Even tho he is almost 18 that doesnt mean he should be able to do whatever he wants. He obviously isnt mature enough for that if he throws the fits you described.
Life doesnt always let us do what we want and he has to learn that in order to function as an adult on his own. I think you are smart to have boundrys for him.
ps...if he were at our house and threw fits like that he would have ZERO computer time and TV time!!!
I think it's developmentally appropriate for a 17-18 year old to not want to spend his free time as family time, to question and ponder the existence of G*d, to resist the schedule set by his parents for computer time and even to have feelngs and emotions of anger.
The outbursts are unacceptable, especially when he frightens you and your young children. What does he say when things are calm and you ask him about his behavior? What does he want to change? Does he have any insight into himself and his own needs?
18 is a full blown legal adult. Maybe he can legally do as he wishes but after high school is over a lot of your rules are no longer applicable.
Limit an adlut to the time he can use the TV and computer? I'd be resentful, too, if I was 18. Sorry but there are too many rules.
He's also not going to follow your rules about religion and church. Let him make his own decisions regarding that, and a lot of other things.
Is he 18 or not??? I am reading further down in your post and you've made a reference to "waiting to turn 18."
Maybe he won't follow your rules about TV time and such but since he is living there, you have full right to expect reasonable things: keep his room relatively clean, clean up his mess in the kitchen or public quarters, no excessive noise, etc. Those are acceptable rules.
I would tell him that he's right - he's too old to have the same rules as a 14 year old. He is old enough to move out and have his own place, where he can make his own rules.
He doesn't like that idea? Well, in your house, there is limited computer time for non-school / work activities. He can save his $$ to buy his own computer like an adult does, or move to his own place, or go to the library where people with no $$ but in need of computer time go.
Seriously, he wants to be treated like a grown up, but he doesn't want the responsibilities of a grown up.
Sit down and have a talk with him. But I would tell him that the rules are not rules for him, they are house rules. If he doesn't like the rules, he can move out of the house and support himself.
That being said, I don't think a teenager and a six year old should have the same rules. So maybe you should talk about rules AND responsibilities. If he wants to increase his...tv time, computer time, etc. he needs to show that he is an adult and not a man-child by taking the lead in doing more around the house, helping with his siblings, paying for groceries....talk with him about what he thinks is fair for an adult living in his parents house. If he doesn't help out, he should be embarressed!
I agree with this quite frankly. He's 18 years old, legally old enough to vote, fight for his country and get married. He is also legally old enough to pay his own rent and make his own rules, if that's the way he wants to be.
Thank you all for your advice. I just want to say that the relationship with my husband is not in question. It was just to give a little background on who was who and where in life we were. Although, I do appreciate the views on that, as well. I know that it was much harder on him than it was for the younger ones.
catcronley, you are right. I am way too strict and I need to tone it down, at least with him. I grew up in a house that was exteremely the other way. There were zero rules so I never learned a good balance and went completely opposite.
Mrs. H: H and I will sit down with him tonight and get his feedback on the rules and the compromise.
livinitup: re: what he says when things are calm, he had nothing to say last night, and today he acts like nothing ever happened. I will ask him about his behavior, what he wants to change and about what he thinks he needs.
Wahoo: thanks for the back-up on the house rules. I will ask him what he thinks, at his age, is a fair compromise.
festivegal: for school work, he can be on the computer as much as he needs to be. However, he sometimes uses that for a cover up to go on other fun sites. I promise that I would never kick him off so that the 6 year olds could do their Club Penguin time.
About church and God, it seems like everyone has the same opinion. I am sure that I know somewhere deep down that everyone is right. I understand and I know what I need to do.
Thanks again, ladies.
OP don't be too hard on yourself in the process. Parenting can be a bumpy ride. As I always say, the good Lord made teenagers for a reason. By the time your children are out of the teen years you are ready to let them go.
You've gotten great advice and it sounds like you've already taken a lot of it to heart, I just wanted to add one more bit that's less about how to help him and more something to help you as you frame your own perspective. I'm a fan of "strict"- I think it's really helpful to children to have clear limits and boundaries while they're young, to help keep them safe and make good decisions before they're old enough to do it themselves. And, I think it's really helpful for young adults to ease into the privilege and responsibility of making their own choices, rather than going suddenly from an environment where someone chooses for them to one where they choose for themselves. He's going to be setting his own limits and priorities when he's off on his own- and having practice doing that, and having to meet the real consequences of his own choices in a "safer" environment (i.e., home, where his parents are close at hand to help him sort it out) will help him do that much better than having him try to handle everything on his own all at once when he's out of the house. Don't think of it as "relaxing" or "being less strict" so much as changing the rules to match what he needs at this age. As a young child, he needed strict guidelines to keep him safe or make good decisions for him. As a young adult, he now needs opportunities to practice keeping himself safe and making his own good decisions.
My parents had an approach much like Sue_sue described, and it helped me a lot- of course I didn't like dealing with my own consequences, but it was great to have experience goofing up and having to own it and deal with it in an adult way before I had to be on my own, doing it without my parents nearby to help me think through how to handle whatever pickle I'd gotten myself in.
The first thing you said here was that he's a good kid. Be very, very, thankful for that!
My daughter is grown up and married now and when I think back to what some of her friends were doing at 18, your son sounds angelic!
I also have nephews your son's age and he sounds pretty normal to me. Sounds like you did a damn good job raising him! Not enough people give credit to moms who rais a child on their own for a large part of their childhood.
As for the religious rebellion, that's also part of his age. He may very well choose to follow your religious beliefs or form his own. He is old enough to do that now.
The ladies above all said this better than I but as a single parent (for a long time) give yourself a good pat on the back. You deserve it!
I think the PPs have given you some great advice. I agree that you need to ease up. My mom was pretty strict but my senior year of high school she did away with my bedtime. Because she knew I needed to learn to self regulate or I'd be a mess when I moved out. The same can be said for TV and computer time. If he doesn't learn to self regulate now when he moves out he might spend all of his time watching tv and playing computer games instead of going to work or class.
As for the outbursts. You said you and your husband talked to him in a calm manner, that is good. Let me give you some advice on how to do it better (I used to teach crisis intervention). Only one of you should deal with the situation. Whoever gave the initial directive needs to handle it. The other parent needs to keep their mouth shut. Do not keep talking to him. If he keeps trying to engage repeat the directive and the expectations once and tell him that you will discuss the situation further when he is calm. Then stop talking to him. If he won't leave the room or calm down remove the audience. That means the other kids need to go to another part of the house or the parent not dealing with the situation needs to take them somewhere (pizza, ice cream, a walk around the block). The person who stays behind ignores him till he has calmed down. This way he doesn't have anyone to "perform" for and it should help him calm.
As for church he is still an adolescent. The more you push it the more he will push away from it. It is very natural for someone on the verge of being an adult to question the faith that was always presented to him and to evaluate his own beliefs. The more he perceives it as being pushed down his throat the less likely he will be to ever come back to it because it will only trigger negative feelings in him.
You mentioned that maybe his looking to move out as soon as he turns 18 and you don't feel he can make it. That may be true. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do for a child is let them fail (and swallow the urge to say "I told you so" when they do).
When you sit down with him, I would explain that you've been thinking and you realize perhaps it's time to change some of the time limits and rules now that he's older. You are sorry he feels like you weren't listening to him. But at the same time, he needs to think about his reactions and how they scared his sisters. Obscenities and yelling in front of the kids isn't acceptable. You don't do it and he shouldn't either. For both of you to compromise, both of you need to agree to handle things differently in the future.You are making the first step by sitting down with him to reevaluate time limits and taking his input into account and coming up with limits TOGETHER.
Limits are ok since it is your household and your computer/TV/etc, but I agree that they should definitely be loosened now that he is almost an adult and he will be living the free life in college and you want him to start working on setting his own limits prior to that, so he has the tools to self-regulate his time before he gets to college and wastes it away online. You want to give him to the opportunity to set his own limits and figure out a good balance.
As for church, I don't think you should be forcing him to go if he doesn't believe or want to attend. That's rude. You can't "force" someone to believe by attending. Family time is important - absolutely. He still needs to participate in family activities. But church doesn't have to be a mandatory family activity now that he is almost an adult.
It's normal for him to want more alone time or not to hang out with the family as much. But continue making the effort to include him during daylight hours so maybe it doesn't conflict with going out with his friends, and to ensure they are fun outings (laser tag? corny but still fun).
Telling him to go to counseling makes it sound like he is the problem and that he needs to be "fixed." No wonder he doesn't want to go. Your son sounds like a normal teenager, and overall he is probably a very good kid.
Your son is much too old for your new husband to step in and fill a "dad" or disciplinarian role. While it is great that your husband supports your boundaries, you need to be the one to set boundaries and the one to deal with your son when you feel that he has broken the rules. It sounds like in the situation you described, having your husband chime in just made your son more agitated. I agree with the suggestion that next time, your husband should take your 6 year olds somewhere else while you deal with your son.
Limiting his computer, television, and phone time is treating him like a little kid. He needs to have the freedom to make his own choices. Yes his outburst sounds disrespectful but he was probably very frustrated. Truly, the idea that an 18 year old has to beg for a few extra minutes on the computer is ridiculous. You have made it clear that you don't think that what he was doing on the computer was important but have you considered that it might have been very important to him?
Your post says a lot about what is important to you - strict schedules, organization, homework, college, church. Have you asked your son what is important to him? He is his own person now. He should be allowed to blossom instead of being forced into a mold that you have created for him. I'm not suggesting that you throw all the rules out the window, but he does need some more freedom.
Please don't force him to attend church. If you do, he will resent it. Instead, ask him about his own spiritual beliefs. Support him in his journey to discover his own beliefs. Maybe even offer to visit different places together, such as other churches, temples, mosques, or even meetings for agnostics and atheists? Questioning the existence of God is completely normal, and it doesn't even mean that he will ultimately decide that he is an atheist.
Good luck. 18 is a hard age. It sounds like he is going through the normal stages of distancing himself a bit from the family, trying to discover his own beliefs, and rebelling from parental authority. If you lighten up a bit, he won't have as much to rebel against