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Selfish MIL
I think I?m more venting than anything here, so thanks for reading?and advice is always welcome. My MIL is seriously the most selfish person that I have EVER met. There is tons of background that I won?t get into (unless requested), but basically the woman is passive-aggressive, intrusive, controlling, manipulative...and to make it worse, DH is a mama's boy. We?ve made lots of progress, and he?s learning to stand up to her and do what he wants?but it?s really only after I have a pep-talk with him or ride him for letting her treat him like a doormat. DH and his family (FIL and SIL) walk on eggshells around MIL ? they never stand up to her and she gets her way with whatever she wants. They?ve created a monster.
We try to split the holidays the best that we can ? we do Easter and Thanksgiving every other year with each family. For Christmas, we do Christmas Eve with DH?s family, and then drive 4 hours to my family on Christmas morning to have a brunch at my grandma?s house and then do Christmas Day eve at my parent?s house with my other set of grandparents. Then we get up and drive home the next morning. We even did a special Sunday dinner with the IL?s the Sunday before Christmas to ?make-up for the short time spent with them on Christmas Eve.?
DH and I have discussed it, and we will continue to do Christmas like this until my grandma unfortunately passes away. She?s 83, had a heart attack this past summer and had quadruple bypass surgery, so she?s still recovering. However she is ailing ? has hardly any strength and weighs about 85 lbs. We?ve also discussed that when we have children (won?t be for a few more years), we?ll have everyone come to us for Christmas (everyone meaning my parents driving up and staying with us for the weekend, and DH?s parents coming over also ? they live 10 minutes away from us).
DH had one of the worst days ever yesterday ? to make it worse MIL called him on his train ride home and started talking to him about Christmas NEXT YEAR. He did tell me that he told her it was ridiculous that she was already thinking and talking about plans for next year. She feels that we don?t spend enough time with her and that my parents get to spend way more time with us over Christmas. DH told her that we will continue to split the holiday like this as long as we are able to spend time with my Grandma. And then told her that when we have kids, it will be different because we?ll do Christmas at our house and have both families come to us for a while. Her response: ?So, we won?t get any alone time with you guys?? DH didn?t tell me his response, but I?m pretty certain he probably didn?t say anything.
I can?t handle this woman. She is so selfish. At least DH is starting to see it?now, if he can only learn how to handle her right when things happen?
Re: Selfish MIL
I would say dont change a thing. Spending time with a loved one while you have them, is worth the fight with MIL. We lost my grandma a few months before our wedding. But I was so thankful that we flew out to see her and she met my then faince. it was just two months after that trip that we lost her. Although I will say my MIL was very supportive through my lost and I that has brought us closer. ( her father is not in the best of health. so it really hit home.) But we live close to all of them so holidays are spent with them.
The only thing i could suggest is you invite her over for coffee and have a good sit down talking.( make sure your husband is there) Maybe if need be call her out on her selfish ways. Hopefully when she realizes how it is coming across she will back peddle. but have a firm plan in place for holidays. Maybe making a special day trip the saturday before mothers day. Were she will feel loved by the both of you.
Best of luck.
You are doing the best you can to split the holidays. That is all you need to say. If she argues with you guys, you say " Sorry you feel that way, we have to go now, bye." She is pretty much treating you guys like a commodity and you don't have to put up with that.
Keep reminding your DH that it will be ok if his mom gets upset. The world won't explode and she will be fine. Just let her get upset and be done with it.
Well, at least your DH is starting to stand up to her.
One thing I'd request from him though. He doesn't need to share all of his conversations with his mother with you. You wouldn't have known she made the "alone time" comment unless he shared it. Let him deal with her and leave you out of it, for your own benefit, since you already don't like her. And really, as long as you don't change your plans to fall in line with what she wants, it doesn't really matter what she has to say about it.
And I didn't realize alone time was the kind that mattered during the holidays. What nonsense.
My thoughts exactly! I like him to be able to tell me what goes on in their conversations, but I think your suggestion is not a bad idea at all....it just gets me fired up.
Thanks everyone for your support. It's good to know that I'm at least going in the right direction!