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need advice please
i posted about this a few wks ago on 3 to 6 but i still need advice as what i got wasnt too practical (i.e dont answer the door)
i am a sahm to eleven yo ds and almost six month old twin girls. i also homeschool my ds. my mil comes over every.single.day monday thru fri. sometimes not fri depending when she leaves for her vacation house that she goes to every weekend.
dont get me wrong i love my mil and have always had a gret relationship with her but to me this is waaay too much coming over like this, she asks what time is good to visit each day like its just a given that she is coming over. never asks if its ok to visit just asks what time. then she NEVER once has left when i say. (i say 3 to 5 is good she leaves at 630) . once in awhile i say it isnt a good day just to get a break from it and she questions it and i have to explain myselfr. such a pita.
i finally got the nerve after like three months of hating this to tell my dh its too much. he isnt thrilled but knows we are going to have to say something to her.
what i need for advice please is how to say it too her to back off without hurting her feelings or causing an issue.thanks if anyone can help me! its driving me nuts
Re: need advice please
Just say today is not a good day. No explanations. Today is not a good day, but how about (day, time).
It also might help to establish a set time she can visit (say Thursday afternoons).
Maybe she gets her feelings hurt, maybe not. But until you start saying no it's not going to stop. Just be honest and polite.
How about, "MIL, we love when you come over to visit. Sometimes when you come it is so busy when you are here that we really don't get to spend quality time with you. Would you like to start coming over on X day for dinner? Or X day after school is finished up. That way the kids can have more time to spend with you and so will DH and I! The other times that you have been visiting just aren't working for us, but we would love to have you come over at the times I just mentioned.
Always start a conversation like this with a postive. Then input the negative (her coming over too much), next finish with a positive (the solution.) Remember, it isn't going to be a pleasant conversation, but letting her know that you really do enjoy having her over to spend time with your famiy should help. GL!
Next time she asks, say, "I was wondering if we could cut the visits back to every other day, it will create a less demanding schedule for me"
If she fights, say something like "I'm sorry, I thought we had the kind of relationship where I could be honest with you"
Thanks all. I will try to just say not a good day more often. its just that she often asks why. she says she wont be in the way just coming to play with babies i just dont want someone in my house all the time...so annoying to even have to deal with this. my dh knows something needs to be done but its bothersome to him knowing shes going to get her feelings hurt. i have no idea why she doez this. who goes to someones house every day...or tries to anyway. to me it would be ccommon sense not to try to visit that much...
"dont answer the door" isnt bad advice...i didnt say that. i said it wasnt practical
Stop explaining. Just keep repeating "it's just not a good day to have you over, how about Thursday at 4pm?" When you explain, you give her room to argue and you signal that she actually has a say.
And "don't answer the door" actually is practical advice. If she shows up unannounced, don't let her in and say "So sorry, wish you would have called first, today is not a good day. Give me a call later and we'll figure out a time for you to come visit this week. Bye!"
You can't control her feelings, so stop worrying about that. I do agree w/ the poster who said try to start w/ a positive. But in the end- you have to be direct and firm.
AND definitely stop explaining yourself.
It might boil down to you having to say "I simply don't want visitors every day. It's too much for me". She goes into her "I won't be any trouble". "That's not the point. The point is I simply don't want any visitors.".
And your DH needs to get off his a$$ and back you up on this and talk to her. I get that it's uncomfortable, but YOU need to be his priority here. Not her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The advice you got is the only real advice I can think of. Don't anser the door- we do it all the time when my husband's family drops by uninvited. Don't answer her calls if it's not a good time to talk.
All you have to say s it's difficult to get all of your son's schoolwork done with guests around and you will invite her over another time.
My ILs can be like that where they don't take no for an answer and need to give them an explanation. My husband simply won't give it. He will keep saying "Now is not a good time" or " We have plans." He knows that if he does give an explanation that will mock our decision or argue with him. So he simply doesn't give an explanation anymore. If they pester him too much he will say " Listen, I am done talking about this, you need to drop it."
Oh and my husband also has no problem if they get upset. One time his mom and sister started bawling because we weren't seeing them, and he just went on his merry way.
I think you need a broader solution than saying "today isn't a good day."
That would get exhausting after a while. Rather, I would just sit her down on one of her visits and say, "MIL, we love being able to see you often. I'm so happy you we have such a close relationship and you're able to see your grandchildren so often. But we need to scale down the number of weekly visits to twice a week (or insert whatever time you think is good). The reason for this is that I'm overwhelmed. I'm trying to care for twin infants and also homeschool DS. I understand that you sometimes help when you come over, and I appreciate it. But I find from experience that I'm more efficient when I'm home alone. I need time alone to focus on my children and make sure they're each getting the appropriate amount of my undivided attention. How about we try having you visit on Tuesdays and Thursdays?"
And then see what she says. If she argues, you will have to get firm. Something like, "I'm sorry, MIL, but this is something I feel strongly about and is non-negotiable. Please respect my decision."
And I know you're not asking for advice on this, but why are you homeschooling your DS? I know how busy one infant keeps you, let alone two! Once they are mobile, your availability for your son's needs will decrease even more. Also, how is your son developing the social skills he needs when his company is his mom, grandma and two infants? Is he engaged in other social activities that allow him time with his peers? I guess I'm skeptical of homeschool in general, unless the parent is a teacher or professor themselves, but I'd be especially wary in a scenario where the teacher has two infants keeping her occupied.
she doesnt just show up. i dont know how that got out there. she texts me first but its phrased when is good today like never asking first if its a good day. just assuming she can come over and its just a matter of when. day after christmas she actually emailed us to say she was giving us a break that day...like its up to her not us. wtf. i find it super rude that she just assumes she is entitled to come eaxh day and we dont have a say in the matter.
i wouldnt want anyone ovee that muchnot just her. i feel we have/had a great relationship but the disrepect is making me resent her. giving her a timeframe for visit does do any good. i say of today from two (sometimes 3 if we are veey busy with school) until five aand really shehas never once ledft anywhere close to five. making me resent the hell out of her.
thanks again for the advice!
you say that she goes to someone's house every day - it sounds like she's feeling bored or lonely. have you tried suggesting that she take up some sort of activity? like volunteering or quilting... something that would take up part of her day and allow her to meet more people.
you say that you have a good relationship with her otherwise, so maybe you could suggest that you do something like this together every once in a while, in lieu of her coming over to see you every day.
I like the advice- I think it was Lilou's- to come up with a set day and time for her to come over and play with the girls, and have that be it. Once it's established, it makes it much easier to just say, "Today is not a good day, but we look forward to seeing you Sunday at 5!" And that really is ALL you need to say. You do not owe her an explanation for why today isn't good just because she wants to see you and the kids.
Also- and forgive me if I'm reading to much into this- I sometimes have struggled with "nice girl" syndrome, where I'm secretly annoyed or irritated or angry beyond belief but feel like I should never ever ever let someone know they're bothering me because that wouldn't be "nice". And it did take a similar situation (not with my in-laws, with someone else) where my husband looked at me and said, "Honey. You ARE mad. They ARE being rude. What is so bad about them knowing that?" Truly- if you're acting during these visits like she's not a bother or like you are terrified to suggest it's too much visiting for fear of hurting her feelings, how is she going to know she's being a PITA? Growing up, if I was being rude, I would get a tactful message that I needed to be doing something differently. If I continued, I would get a somewhat startled stare (hard to describe, but it let you know that you had been rude) and a firmer repetition of what I should be doing instead. Like this:
"Oh, we love seeing you, but now is not a good time. We'll see you on Sunday."
"Oh, but I won't be in the way at all! I just want to come over and hang out!"
*stare* *slower, firmer voice* "Unfortunately, now is not a good time. We'll see you on Sunday. Goodbye now!" (polite smile, wave, door shuts)
Like so. Nobody's crying or hurling insults or sighing or stomping or slamming the door. She knows she can't come in today, she knows there's a time she is welcome, and she knows that if she shows up on a time when she is not welcome, she can't come in. Harder to do over text message- I would consider even answering the text by picking up the phone and saying your "today is not a good day." speech. You can politely let someone know they're being a pest, and it's a nicer thing to do than swallowing your annoyance and letting them believe they're welcome to continue doing it.
actually the one time i didnt answer right away but had dh call to say it wasnyt a good time she said she was already on her way over...and he didnt tell her to go back hme like he should have and that whole thing bothered me...even after bweing told not to come she still came. just that once but still
If she texts you then that makes things easier to deal with IMO.
Her text: "When is a good time to come over today?"
Your text: "Today is not a good day. How about Thursday at 3?"
I can understand how verbally saying this would be hard, especially when she asks for an explanation and argues with you, but over text things can be a little more cut and dry. If she asks you why over text then I wouldn't elaborate... Some things you could say are "it's just not a good day", "we already have plans", etc.
If things don't get better then I agree with PPs that you should sit down and talk to her. You should just be honest with her- tell her you are overwhelmed by having a guest over every single day and ask her if you guys can scale back your visits.
You also said she never leaves when she is supposed to. I would ask her to come over later in the day and make sure her "leaving time" is when your DH is home. That way he can deal with her.
This is when I wouldn't answer the door
I suppose I don't see the problem with opening the door and saying " Sorry, but now is not a good time, we will call when it is a good time, bye."
She has obviously learned that being rude and disrespectful gets her what she wants, so there is no reason to stop. Sorta like a kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of the candy aisle. If it works, then keep doing it. Give her a reason to stop ( like a trip to your house for nothing) and she just might.
Ok this will also sound cliche say, but have you ever heard the phrase " It is better to ask for forgiveness than permission?" This happened to me all the time growing up. I come from a large family and whenever I brought home leftovers from a restaurant, they were gone the next day. My siblings quickly learned it was much easier to eat my food, say " Sorry, I thought that was mom and dad's ( which is usually up for anyone)" than to actually say " Whose leftover chicken is this, may I have some." Same applies to your MIL, she isn't asking for permission because then there is a chance you will say no.
So then you text back "Sorry, today actually won't work"
And e-mail back "Sorry, today actually is not a good day for a visit"
And say "Can't believe it's 5 already! Sorry, to have to end our visit, but as I told you we were only available until 5 today! See you next time!"
You are GIVING her all this power over your life.