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Post Baby Visitors?
Maybe I'm going into this whole parenting thing with a false sense of security or confidence. I'm already feeling overwhelmed with everyone wanting to come "help" after the baby.
H is off for 2 weeks, and will not be traveling for 8 weeks. My mom is local. My dad wants to come for a few days, 2 weeks after she's born. Now SIL wants to come help, my friend wants to bring her 14 month old and come help, and H's Grandmother wants to come for a week or two - she's 96.
I don't have other kids that need to be cared for or amused. Like I said, maybe a false sense of security but I really don't feel like I'm going to need all this "help." I already want to tell people to back the heck off. I'm fine with the immediately family coming to visit after she's born. But visit and go home.
Am I wrong? I feel like if all these people come to "help" I'm going to feel like I should be entertaining them. And SIL hasn't even taken care of her kids while they've been here, yet she wants to come "help."
Kennedy Aleise 2/19/11
Life As We Know It
Re: Post Baby Visitors?
Oh boy, this is a really sore subject in my family right now. I would limit your visitors to only those you feel will be able to help. I would put my foot down and set boundaries now before it gets out of control. Do whatever you and your H are comfortable doing.
H is going to stay home for at least 2 weeks after the baby is born. He might take some more time off a little later, but right now 2 weeks for him is the plan. We will probably have a couple of close friends that live in the area come by, but they won't be staying for very long. In the first 2 weeks I really don't want a ton of visitors. I know H and I will be exhausted, but I want family bonding time and I don't even want to enternain even the lowest maintenance guests. We plan on cooking some meals and freezing them and will do whatever we can before she arrives. If she decides to make her grand entrance a lot earlier than planned, things may change, but we are aware of that and can be flexible.
I told my mom that no one can come until after she is 2 weeks old and that is where the hurt feelings come into play. She does not live locally and has MS, so I don't want to be worried about getting setled with a new baby, having to entertain her, and worrying that she is overworking herself. She is a very low maintenance type guest in most ways, but I honestly want her here more after we've had some family bonding time and H is back at work. If my dad comes with her, they definitely can't come till 2 weeks because, as much as I love my dad, he is the high maintenance type. My sister can come down with my mom too because we are really close. Since this is the first grandbaby on my side, my family is coming first, and then H's parents at least (maybe his sisters a niece) will come down and overlap a bit with my parents visit so we can have a baby shower. I have also said that I don't want anyone to stay at our house. It is very small and I am not going to be climbing over a bunch of people. They can fight it out over who gets to stay in our 1 guest room if we are feeling up to it.
Some people have told me that I am being too harsh, but it is mine and H's decision. It would be different if all our families lived close, but they don't. And if they lived close, we'd be laying down some ground rules too. Things may change, but this is how I feel now. We'll see! GL!
YES. Please, please, please learn how to say no before this baby comes along. Otherwise, you are going to be trampled under all those feet.
My mom stayed the first week with me, but H went to work the next day, so she was SUPER helpful to have around. MIL came 3 weeks later, and since she grates on my nerves and I felt things had to be just-so before she came, her visit did nothing but stress me out. Think about those things when you say yes. You will be tired and your fuse (if you have one) will be short.
I will say this - and I know plenty of new moms do it alone - I needed someone there to support me PHYSICALLY. I was exhausted after giving birth. I mean, it was a struggle to open a pickle jar, move a hamper of laundry or sometimes lift the baby. I was soooooooo drained and exhausted that just taking a shower was a total chore. As long as your H is around and your mom can come help the week he goes back to work, you will be more than okay.
If that many people want to come over and "help," ask them to bring you dinner and stay to help fold laundry, watch a movie, run the dishwasher or help you fix bottles. I think making meals and doing the normal weekly chores were the most taxing the first 2-3 weeks. The baby is easy. Feed, burp, change, cuddle.
This is giving me a headache just reading about it. I can't imagine having to deal with it.
AH!
I have no advice except that I think it's okay for you to do what you want to do. If you don't want people there then you will have to take the risk of hurting feelings and telling people No.
My BFF is due on Jan 13th, and I know she will be so overwhelmed with people that I don't plan on visiting her house for a while after her baby girl is born. I spoke to her over the wknd and asked her if I could come to the hospital, but let her know that I would be okay if she said no, that she just wanted immediate family around.
I think people just get so excited about a new baby, and they get caught up in the excitment, they don't really think about to much else besides seeing the baby. Plus, they want to "help."
Good Luck, I hope you can come up with a good solution.
I agree with Nicole. You will need help doing "stuff". Cleaning, cooking, all that little stuff. My mom stayed with us for a few days after DS was born, and it was great to have her, but DH went to work the next day as well.
It also depends on what type of delivery you have. I ended up with a C/S and needed help getting up, going to the bathroom, all that stuff.
Do you have someone to organize "help" for you? Maybe a non-biased friend or something? One of the best things I had was the wife of one of DH's cousins set up people to cook and deliver us food, every other night for I think 3 weeks. It was truly a blessing.
It is best to set your boundaries now, as in the days after the birth, who knows what state your emotions (and everything else) will be in.
Part of my problem is that everyone who wants to "help" isn't local - so them coming, means us doing airport runs to pick them up and them staying with us. I guess the downfall of this huge house is I don't have the excuse that we don't have room.
I'm planning a natural birth, so hopefully the recovery won't be too bad. The other thing is that H plans to work from home half days once he does go back to work, and he only works 4 days a week. I think I'm going to tell them all that I appreciate their offers, but that I want to have time for immediate family to visit and for H and I to bond with our daughter and get settled. If I need help I'll gladly let them know, as well as when we're ready to have overnight guests.
It would be different if I had friends of family that were local and wanted to come "help" for an afternoon, bring food, etc.
I don't except help very well. I was a c section with two of mine and still did everything myself after the first 24 hours in the hospital and was out by the second day against doctors wishes. We were offered a lot of help and this last time MIL flew in once the baby was a month old....I had a lot of trouble with this mainly because i felt someone was intruding on my bonding time with the baby and that i had to fight to spend time with my own child. If it were me i'd tell the oot people i appreciate the offer to come stay and help but that you are feeling a little overwhelmed with the thought of everyone there right after birth since you are already feeling a bit on the overwhelmed side. I agree with nicole, learn to say no now and it will make things easier in the future. We said yes to everything with our first and by this one we learned we had to stand our ground because there was a lot of things that we now felt pushed into for the sake of others feelings that we said no to this time around.
Exactly! It sucks but you gotta work with your situation. There may be hurt feelings, but you and your H know what is best for your new family. I have a feeling H and I will be constantly struggling with my family especially about boundaries, how we use our vacation time, visiting family (here or with them), how we spend our holidays....ugh. It's giving me a headache already!
Seriously!!!! Why does this have to be so stressful? I'm pretty sure I'm more stressed about all that than I am about caring for our new addition!
Me too!!!
I agree with everyone else, you do have to put your foot down and set some boundaries, and you have to do it now. OOT visitors staying with you are a hassle in a normal time, geez.
Personally, and everyone is different, I really needed my mom. I was nursing and had trouble with it in the beginning, so a lot of people around would really have made that more challenging for me than it already was. My mom knew me well enough to know when I needed her and when I needed my kitchen cleaned instead. I had a really easy delivery, but there was tearing and I was in a lot of pain, breastfeeding is painful, so yes, physical help was needed. I also wasn't allowed to drive for two weeks, so I really couldn't go to and from the airport.
My local friends helped by picking my mom up at the airport, bringing a couple of meals, and just being friends who kept me company and made me laugh. My best friend is now pregnant, and I've been thinking about how I'll help her when she's home with a newborn, and I'll tell you right now that I wouldn't dream of bringing Lily with me when I go there to help her (unless she specifically asks to see Lily).
It is nice that there's so much love and support there for you, but it really is going to be up to you to be honest and direct and tell them how they can help you. They probably just don't know what you need and they want to do something, you know?
I think it's super adorable that your 96-year-old gma wants to help. Not sure how you're going to get out of that one, lol.
My silly Lily is almost 4.
Girls, you are making my worst nightmare a reality. My mother is obscenely overbearing and thinks she knows every little thing about babies and I've often fretted about her "help" when H and I decide it's time to have a baby. Also, my MIL is annoyingly involved in our lives so I'd have to fend her off too.
Anyway, I've never been in this situation so I've been thinking long and hard about whether or not to contribute to this conversation. After reading many of your posts, I've come up with a solution that you may all flame me for...
What if you tell your SIL and H's gmom (and anyone else that you think will be more work than help...) that the doctor recommends that small children and the elderly shouldn't be around the newborn because her immune system is not fully developed. (This will work especially well if the 14 mo. old goes to daycare and gmom is in assisted living.)
You can choose any condition you want (people that have had chicken pox in the last 20 years) and just say the doctor recommended that the baby not be exposed for long periods of time to people with whatever condition.
Just a suggestion...
I like this idea!!
Wow, you have some hard decisions to make. When we came home from the hospital it was nice to have help during the days, but at night we just wanted it to be our little family. I had a c-section and had some limitations, but felt OK to care for baby with my H. We were only home from the hospital 2 days, 3 nights before H went back to work. I was fine with someone coming over a few hours a day to take a shower, do chores, or quick nap.
We had a friend want to come over to stay the weekend when LO was about a month. I had a melt down at the idea-crying like a baby. I enjoyed being able to walk around my house at all hours with the baby and not worrying about his crying waking anyone up. She ended up coming, but only after we had a long conversation about expectations. It ended up being nice to have her here.
Like Nicole, I needed help physically after I had Macy. My C-Section really made it hard for me to do everyday things, like get out of bed and walk. So it was nice to have my mom and dad around to clean the house, cook dinner, go to the grocery store or even rock the baby at night while my H and I could get some much needed sleep. My parents left after a week which was also when my H went back to work. I remember a few nights crying on the couch rocking the baby because I was just worn out and I wanted my mom there for emotional support. Those days didn't last long, but I would have rather had someone there.
Yes, my H was a HUGE help but he was also tired and worn out. So IMO, it would have been nice to have another hand or two to help out.
GL!
Baby Macy is here!
12/09 - Macy (daughter) | 4/10 - Began TTC Baby #2 | 12/10 - Chemical Pregnancy | 1/12 - Miscarriage at 14 weeks | DX - PCOS & Hyperthyroidism