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Tension between my fiance and my dad
My fiance and my dad have very different personalities. My fiance is not a big talker, my dad talks nonstop about nonsense and goes off on many tangents. My dad makes corny jokes, which are usually not funny, and he expects to get a reaction about them. This really annoys my fiance because he does not see a reason to fake laugh at things that are not funny. My fiance is very logical and analytical about things, my dad is very wishy-washy about things (which annoys my fiance very much). My fiance likes to plan and schedule, my dad likes to be very loose about scheduling, which makes us late for things and less efficient when we visit from across the country. My fiance is direct in his communication if he doesn't agree with something, and my dad avoids direct confrontation when there are issues he doesn't agree with.
So I can tell that my dad is getting more and more tense around my fiance.
I don't know what to do about this. They are total opposites in many ways. My fiance is just quiet most of the time around my dad, because he doesn't feel like he can be real around my dad. This makes my dad more tense, which makes him talk my fiance's head off more, which makes my fiance more annoyed. It is a vicious cycle.
I have no idea what to do about this. I don't see a solution, it is just a personality clash. We are getting married soon, is this going to be terrible every time we visit?
Please help!
Re: Tension between my fiance and my dad
This is a good idea. I have a similar issue as DH and I are both very planned/scheduled people and my parents are always last minute with their plans. We live about an hour away from them, so we see them often enough, but at the same time don't want to drive an hour for nothing. I told my parents they have to make a plan and then invite us and we will accept for that plan. If the plan changes, though, we won't be available. So far it's working okay and I think it's fair to both DH and my parents.
Also, it sounds like you don't live in the same area as your parents, which usually helps everyone get along. Acknowledging each of their points of view and letting them know you understand and that it's just a personality difference (i.e. NOT that your FI hates your dad or vice versa), should help.
These are two adults; and I'd advise you to allow them to work out their own relationship as they see fit.
People are different. Neither your FI nor your dad are behaving badly. They're just different.
I'd talk to FI about not letting the little stuff get to him. So what if your dad tells silly jokes are talks about nonsense. It's not something to be bothered by.
In turn, talk to your dad and explain that your FI is more of an introvert. Him not talking or laughing doesn't mean he's unhappy, he's just quiet.
Look, my ILs can ramble on about things I have no interest in at all (so-and-so's second cousin by marriage just had a new baby and that baby is in so-and-so's second cousin's daycare). They also love to be together all the time. I'm quiet and need more space. It took time for me to get comfortable enough to participate in such random conversations; in turn, it took time for them to understand that me going to the other room to read didn't mean I was unhappy, I just needed a break.
Give the relationship time to evovle. They'll figure it out.
I agree to let them work it out- they're both adults, and surely they both have lots of experience not clicking with people of different personalities.
By the same token, I also think you can speak up to either of them privately if you see them taking something personally or giving the other a hard time. Not in the sense of trying to force or make a relationship- because you can't- or in the sense of trying to help them get along- because that's their job- but in the sense of raising their own awareness about how they're treating the situation, the same way you would speak up if you saw a friend being hard on a mutual friend or something. I.e., instead of saying anything like, "Dad, you really need to try harder with Paul" or "Paul, Dad's just joking with you, you should laugh along and say stupid jokes too." you'd speak up about something like, "Dad, I know you want to keep your options open for holiday plans, but we only have 1 week off of work and several relatives to see. Can you please give us which 3 dates you'd like to spend with us, so we can make our plans with the other families?" Or you might say, "Paul, I like that you're direct and to the point- and I also have seen you frame things more gently when you're talking to Bob and Linda, because you know they react better to things phrased that way. Talking to my dad is a lot like talking to Bob and Linda."
I guess I fall with Suesue on this one.
Are either one of them venting to you about this, or are you just observing it? If they are venting it does make it harder to be hands off about.
I have a sister-in-law who is 20 years older than me. We have nothing in common (not really due to the age difference but it doesn't help). Our opinions on politics, social issues, really everything, are completely different, I can't stand her taste, and really, everything about her is annoying to me. But you know what? She has no idea, no one else does either. My H knows my feelings about some of the awful stuff that she has done but even he has no idea how much I dislike her. Why? Because it really DOES NOT matter. I spend time with her because my H loves her. These visits are not about me. I suck it up and make nice because I feel that unless she is really being inappropriate or offensive, one of the things I signed up for by marrying my H was hanging out with his family, at least once or twice a year (we don't live close by).
Likewise, my parents have nothing in common with this woman and would NEVER choose to spend time with her if she was not related to their son-in-law. But they, too, spend time with her once in a while, out of love for my H.
My point with all of this is that both your H and your father need to try a bit harder. They are not going to click with everyone they meet and they need to learn how to get along for the sake of everyone having a decent time, and out of their shared love for you.
Well, I tried to ask my Dad what was wrong, and he immediately blurted out that he doesn't see us as a married couple. This was a slap in the face for me. We have been together for 7 years. We have lived together for 4 years. My stepdad and my mother both died last year, and my fiance stuck with me and supported me better than anyone. So for my Dad to say this, (I have never even lived with my Dad and we are just starting to bond more), it was a huge blow.
I then tried to explain on the phone while my Dad was at work that my fiance is an introvert, and he gets drained by so much conversation, and that my dad was talking at him, and at this point in the conversation, he told me to get the F out of his house. We were scheduled to fly back the next day, so we had to get a cab to a hotel near the airport and get a hotel.
Then my Dad emailed me an "apology" for the way he acted, but then said he doesn't want to discuss this. He also said that he doesn't like the way my fiance talks to me ( for example, direct straightforward communication). and that my fiance is not welcome in his house or in his car (travelling) with him ever again.
I have no idea what to do. Life just got more complicated and I'm stuck in the middle. I am furious with my Dad, and we did not deserve this treatment. It seems like he doesn't approve of my relationship simply because my fiance wasn't overly talkative with him and because the way he does talk is direct (such as, "pick up the phone and call your aunt" when I was wavering on something).
My Dad is screwing our father/daughter relationship over.
Did you ask any clarifying questions to the statements your father made (e.g. why don't you see us as married" to find out what is actually going on?
It sounds like there is an entire other side to this situation that you're not acknowledging/telling, and you've already decided to cast blame entirely on your father.