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Donation made "in your name"
Just wondering general thoughts about this. My husband and I just received a gift from his brother and his wife made "in our name" to a christian ministry. They know that I am a pretty staunch atheist and my husband is not religious in any way.
Let me clarify that I am NOT against not receiving gifts, or donations to charities. They know, for example, that my husband and I are very closely involved in a local animal shelter and I would have LOVED a donation to them.
The whole thing just feels a little patronizing and irritating. I have no problem at all with who they donate to or what they believe, but to do it in my name to an organization I would not choose to support is rubbing me the wrong way.
Anyway, this is more of a rant than anything, but was curious of people's opinions or if they've come across this before.
Re: Donation made "in your name"
Yeah that would annoy me but then those, "I made a donation in your name" gifts in general annoy.
I don't expect anyone to buy me a gift. If you want to donate money to whatever cause you care about then great. But don't involve me in your donations, because it's nothing to do with me and it just makes you look smug and patronizing.
I can almost roll with it when it's someone donating to a cause that I am very involved with.
Same here 100%.
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That would bug me enough to say something about it. I'm all for letting the little things go but I would explain that to me, donations are a personal matter. I donate to the oraginzations that fit with my interests and beliefs and I am happy to see that they do the same. However, there are certain organizations that I choose not to support. So I would appreciate it if I and my name was left out of any donations they make in the future.
I think that is being direct without insulting. And from there they'll do as they please. You can't make them stop, but you can certainly let them clearly know how you feel.
The only time I have made a donation in another's name is upon their death. It was to the national organization that supports research of the disease that caused the death.
Does the ministry do anything to help children or adults? If they are more than a "spread the word" type of ministry (ie they provide schooling, even if its religious, medicine, food, etc) that would be ok.
If it's just to spread their religous beliefs I would not consider it a gift.
To answer a couple questions:
1. She works for an organization that manages this particular ministry, so in essence, it came from her workplace (to the question about whether she researched how the money was spent).
2. It is a ministry that helps provide food, etc to underprivileged in third world countries. Which again, I have no problem with charities that provide food to poor people--I think it's great. I just prefer that they don't come with the strings attached that you accept a certain religion/way of life in thanks for their "help." There are many secular organizations that do the same thing, and I know based on the other work she does that they are big on evangelizing/converting, especially in third world countries. I just have kind of a problem with the idea that, oh here's a bunch of food/help/etc and now you need to accept Jesus.
I only do this with people I really, really don't like, for whatever reason; generally when they've been gift grubbers and/or really hateful. So to my mind, these people really don't like you, but don't have the nerve to get you nothign. So they donate to the organization they work for/support, and which they know you do not support; but you can say nothing without looking churlish. So of course you say thank you for the gift.
Were I you, I'd make a donation to the American Atheists Association in their name next year. lol
I don't like it when people "make donations in your name". Not a fan of it. I donate plenty to organizations I believe in.
I would be annoyed, as a fellow Atheist, if someone made a donation in my name to a christian or otherwise religious organization. I have no tolerance for people trying to push their religion on me, and I feel this is a way of doing this.
Ditto. (Too funny, Sue Sue)
That would bug me too. If I were to make a gift of a donation to charity in someone else's name, I would make it to a charity that I knew they supported. I think it's presumptuous to make a gift to your own cause in someone else's name.
I am pretty wicked, I know. lol
They threw the gauntlet, however, You clearly do not deserve Xmas gifts since you don't believe in Jesus, Who is the reason for the season. So they are pushing their religious point on you by having you 'give' to a religious cause which coincidentally they are members of the group they gave to.
Ahh, family. So next year, I vote for the Atheists Society donation in their name. they cannot possibly take offense.
It's just insulting to make a donation to a christian charity in the name of an athiest. I would say something about it. Too bad if they are offended, they obviously aren't concerned about offending you.
Or the "It gets better" project. A valid cause that is just getting off the ground.
In your case, I think it is rude. Since they know you are an atheist I would find that insulting.
However, in general, I think it is lovely. I am quite surprised at how many people don't like it at all. I feel like it is a great thing if, instead of giving me a sweater or a candle, both of which I would use but certainly do not NEED, the money they spent went toward helping the local animal shelter I adopted my dog from, or something else like that.
Half of my family is Jewish, and every year my aunt and uncle make a donation in my name to Project Bread/the Walk for Hunger for a Chanukah gift and I love that they do that.
Thanks for the input everyone. I like the idea of the donation for them next year, hehe. The weird thing is, we got them pretty thoughtful gifts, and my husband also bought her a birthday gift when he was traveling abroad (her birthday was just a month ago) that we never received even a thank you for. So it's not like we give them horrible gifts or are completely thoughtless (although I will admit we don't have the best relationship with them).
I'm trying to decide whether to tactfully say something or just let it go. Honestly, I'd like to come to an agreement with them that we just don't do gifts for each other but my husband doesn't seem to think that would go over too well. I guess I'll just move forward and deal with the onslaught of mail that will be coming my way from various Christian organizations....grrrrr.
I don't get why your H thinks that "let's not exchange" won't go over well. Technically they didn't give you a gift, they gave it to charity. It's not like they took a lot of time to find you the perfect thoughtful gift. And if they take offense that you don't want to buy them things, then they are just selfish.
But I would approach it as "I think the donation thing is a great idea but next year why don't we skip the gift giving part of it. I'll put the money towards my favorite charity and you can put it towards yours but in our own names that way you don't get bombarded with mail from a cause you aren't passionate about."
I know people in a variety of religious missionary fields. (not all the same religion) - Many are serving in these third world countries - one is specifically medical, another is health/food/clean water. None of these are bait and switch, offering food/water and now you are "one of us" or have to say a specific prayer or attend a church, etc. Unless you know for a fact that their help is specifically and purposefully withheld unless they are first converted, then I see no issue. Evangelizing and converting may be a portion of some places, but even then, if it is not used as exchange for goods/services, then what you are worried about is moot.
While I don't agree with the sentiment of the first paragraph at all (people are too easily offended over non-issues these days), I completely agree that the second paragraph is the best way to handle this, and less childish than picking a random charity more for sticking her tongue out at SIL than for a sincere wish to help a charity out. (Though, I'm assuming that was all tongue in cheek.)
My family decided together not to exchange gifts and instead donate to a charity this year. DH got his family in on it, too. We decided as a family to make the donation and then decided as a family to which charity to donate. It did take some coordination and a few emails to be sure that everyone was happy with the charity that was chosen (a local homeless shelter) but it was worth it to ensure that everyone gave with a happy heart. Perhaps you could suggest something like this to your family. That way you all agree as a family not to exchange gifts and instead make a donation and you all agree on a charity so no one is offended.
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Honestly, what would piss me off the most is not getting a Christmas present because they decided to do this instead without asking people. It's very awkward to spend a lot of money of giving someone a present only to find they've gone and done something like this.
That being said, (and yes, I am a Christian, so I am biased) it pisses me off that atheists disregard Christian organizations just because they are faith-based. I work with plenty of non-profits and I can assure you that almost everyone's intentions are to help their cause - feeding the hungry, etc. NOT to push anyone's beliefs on anyone else. Christian organizations are the cornerstone for most charities. They do a lot to help people. Sorry if the fact that they happen to have religious beliefs pisses you off, but it doesn't make their charity any less valid.
Would they be pissed if you donated to a secular organization that helped the homeless? No, they wouldn't. They wouldn't care. The religious aspect isn't the point. The helping part is.
So yes, I would be offended, but not for the reasons listed.
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I never said that is pisses me off that they hold religious beliefs. It pisses me off that they made a donation in MY name to this ministry, implying that I also support it. My husband and I choose not to donate to organizations with a religious agenda, period, and I think that is our right.
And just because they are Christian, I don't think you should assume that they would be welcoming and grateful of any donation we made. For example, my husband and I both do work (and have donated a lot of money) to a local animal shelter that mostly shelters cats and kittens. I know for a fact my bil and sil hate cats (to the point that they kick my mil's cat out of their way when we're over and terrorize it). While I would have loved to have taken the money that we spent on their gifts and donated it to this organization, I realize that would have been completely self serving, and an insult to them, as they hate cats. *I* respect *their* beliefs/feelings/wishes to not like cats; therefore, I did not donate the money to this shelter. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't like a donation to planned parenthood either.
It all comes down to the fact that all of us have very different beliefs and causes that we support. I think a little respect of these goes a long way, rather than trying to push your cause onto me (or vice versa).