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How would you handle this disrespect? Is it?
If one of your parents starting cursing at you in your home, how would you feel? I had run outside with a cold (I was so hot that air felt good and it was for about 5 minutes to take out garbage). My mom had come out and said that if i didn't get in the effing house and put on an effing coat and if I was sick tomorrow that she would rip off my effing face because I was being an effing ***. effing being the real word. She's never cursed at me like that with such anger and over a coat. I'm 39.
I told her to not use that language at me as I don't ever use that with her, I don't raise my voice with her or my dad in their home like that and that it was my home, do not speak to me like that.
She didn't care. My dad got involved and it turned ugly. My DH and I are separated so they started saying did you ever talk to D. that way? No you roll over for him. You let him treat you bad. You let him do what he wants. FTR, my DH started gambling and left us in dire straits and I am in counseling and he will push my buttons and insult me by text but I do not engage him. I do not speak with my parents about the situation as I did try once and it was all "you lie" and just a big mess.
I am trying to get me and my kids together. My DH hid his gambling problem and left us in a financial mess. He then cheated and started drinking. He lost his job and I receive no child support. (It's being followed up in the courts.) I'm working hard to get us back on our feet.
I was very shocked that this happened. I called my sister who was supposed to watch my kids for 3 hours while I went to work tomorrow and she agreed with them and said that I was being stupid. That I took my anger out on the wrong people and I need to grow up and she wasn't going to participate in my pity party.
I told her I didn't want her to watch my kids then and she called me an effing ***.
I just feel right now that between my DH and my family, the disrespect is ridiculous. I don't speak like that to any of them. I don't take advantage of them or ask anyone for anything. My sister watches my kids 3 hours a week. I actually called her on Monday to ask her to stay with my little one while I took my oldest to the ER Monday night and she wanted me to bring him down to her house so she didn't have to go out in the cold and because she couldn't sleep at my house. So my mom came over and stayed until we got home at 4 AM. I didn't say anything to her. No one did. (say anything as in "it would have been a big help if you came and helped out."
I just feel really beat up right now by everyone to be honest. I have no self esteem and then I try to stand up for myself and it becomes a pity party?
If I'm wrong, please tell me.
Re: How would you handle this disrespect? Is it?
Um, wow. No, you're not wrong. You have a mom like that and wonder why you have low self-esteem?
I would demand an apology and changed behaviour.
AnyBODY who cusses out anybody else is unacceptable, period.
She's toxic and wow, what a pig. I would not blame you if you cut her out of your life completely.
I am surprised you have given your H a second chance. The cheating is a dealbreaker and gambling is an addction and so is his alcoholism: another dealbreaker.
I hope he is going to Gamblers Anonymous.
And AlAnon for you --- you are married to an addict: You need a support group like AlANon.
Oh no I have not given him a second chance! We are separated. We are not working on things.
I have not talked to them about anything I have done regarding him. They are assuming that we talk and are nice, etc. But if I say that I have done X, they do not believe me so I don't bother.
He is a daily issue with me. He is manipulative and such and I am learning to deal with him, but I don't discuss him with them. It turns into a mess. I just want to handle the issue with him myself and right now there is nothing to handle. I am saving for divorce and that's it.
There is no second chance and they should know this as I never leave the house except for work or school. No one will babysit my kids so I can even go out with my friends and I can't afford a sitter. And they live next door to me so they know he's not around.
Who lives next door to you, your parents? So even if you tried cutting them out of your life it wouldn't work because they're always there. Oh boy. I think your mom needs cousneling too because she sounds like a nut job with a screw loose!!!!
You are not wrong. You were dealt a bad hand with your family and are doing what you can to fix things for yourself and your children. It's not having a pity party - your sister sounds like a bittch, just ignore her snide comments. I'm sorry. I wish I had more advice for you.
Hugs.
My parents and brother never speak to me like that. I used the F word once with my Dad when I was younger right after my mom had died, which was a huge high stress situation, not over wearing a coat or not.
It sounds as if your family is a bit toxic. Are they adding anything to the quality of your life?
OK --- us is you and your kids.
Wishing you all well. And gee, what a nice grandma for those kids.
I was going to go with the long odds for her behavior: I was thinking Maybe she was having a bad day... but still, she cussed you out? Nope; not right.
Your family members are horrible people who do not deserve a relationship with you. This is verbal abuse, plain and simple, and they have no right to treat you or anyone else like that. Show them that you are absolutely not a doormat by never speaking to any of them ever again.
Are you in counseling right now? If not, I would highly suggest it. I really think you need some help processing everything that's happened to you in your life. Also, you need some support in dealing with the situation with your husband, and it's obvious that you're not going to get that from your family. It sounds like money is tight right now, but if you can afford it, it would definitely be worth going. If you have health insurance, call your insurance company and ask if they have mental health coverage, and ask for a list of covered providers.
If payment will present a hardship for you, explain that to counselors when you call them. Some will work on a sliding scale, and those that don't might be able to refer you to affordable resources in your community.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Good luck with everything.
It sounds (from what you wrote) that this was out of character for your mom. Holiday stress perhaps-sometimes it does weird things to people. As far as the isuses with DH-not telling them is absolutely your choice-but then you also have to deal with the fact that they know nothing except what they assume happened.
as for your sister and kid watching. it seems to me that since you can't afford a babysitter that you use her for free babysitting (not tht there's anything wrong with it if she agrees to do it) but the part that stood out to me was that you said she wouldn't come over so she asked you to drop your kids off. i dont know why you didn't-that seemed to be you making abig deal about her watchign your kids for free-you should've dropped them off to her-you were asking her to do you a favor after all. free doesn't always mean on your terms.
seems to me that your family is a bit bezerk and that you need to distance yourself from them very quickly.
Clearly, there's more context and background to this story. Normal, sane adults don't just begin screaming and dropping the F-bomb at their adult children out of the blue over something like not wearing a coat outside in the winter.
What's the background/history here?
None really. If something went wrong, I was usually blamed. My furnace blew water all through the house the other night and threw the pipes. My dad said it had to be something I did. He was flipping angry at me. I didn't do anything. Called the repairman and it turned out that when he was cleaning it two days prior, he turned a valve that cause the water to build up which caused the pipes to blow. The repairman took full responsibility. No apology from dad. It's just been like that my whole life.
Whatever has gone wrong has been my fault. They hate my DH. I totally understand. But I don't wish to discuss him with them because all they do is bash him. I'm trying to get over it all and move ahead and create a life. I've said this, but everything leads back to him. I have no emotional support system. I'm working so hard on trying to get on my feet financially and all I hear is he's this he's that for not working and paying CS. I get it!!! But me sitting here crying and them yelling at me isn't going to help bring in money. I, me, the mom of my kids, has to do something. Money isn't going to magically appear.
You sound like an amazing mother, despite the lack of parenting you had. Hang in there. This could be a whole new start for you and your children.
This sealed it for me, you sound like a terrific person and mother with a good head on your shoulders. You're not assigning blame, or being overly dramatic, woe-is-me, which quite frankly you are more than entitled to from what I've read of this situation. The only thing I can add is that people like you, always end up being okay in the end because they won't settle for anything less. Good for you.
You know, I completely believe you because I've seen people this messed up in and by their families. (Raising hand!)
I was hoping that your sister was missing the point and saying your mother was right about how silly it was for someone really sick to be out in the weather without a jacket on - I was really shocked that she was approving of your mother addressing you in this manner.
The *only* thing I could suggest would be to search first to see if there is any thing to the small part of your taking your anger out on the wrong people. I'm not saying you were in this instance - just that it sounds as if you have been through the wringer, and have a lot of family chaos even aside from your separation. It would be *understandable* for you to perhaps be sensitive or over "bite-y" with people because of the stress and frustration. Sometimes people's egos (and here I'm talking about your sis) won't allow them to address it with you properly because they are in the middle of feeling insulted themselves. (I went through that recently with my brother - my mother was doing something pretty heinous to my family, I called to speak with my brother and get some perspective, but my voice and anger level was very high...rather than being compassionate about that and understanding, he reacted to that as if I were directing it towards him.)
Hon, I really hope you get some counseling, just so you can sound off and find some support from inside.