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Don't know how to feel (re: estranged parent)
Ugh, sorry I keep posting about this nonsense.
So as of this year, due to toxic relationship with both, I no longer speak to either of my (divorced, but trying to reconcile) parents. There are a number of reasons.
I do talk to one sibling, but it's strained because she's in college and stays at my parents'/dad's house when she's home for break and long weekends. She stopped by last night to pick something up from me, and handed me a piece of paper.
It was a confirmation of a donation my dad made to the American Brain Tumor Association in my name. I suppose this is my Christmas gift. I'm really angered by this for a few reasons, but can't decide if I'm being irrational about it.
When I had my brain tumor, they really weren't there for me. My mom told me the congenital tumor was my own fault and I was overreacting (I was so nervous the night before I was crying hysterically), my dad told me not to have the surgery (neurosurgeon said that was not an option, it had to come out the week it was discovered, it was strangling my brain stem), had a relative who works in the neurosurgery dept violate HIPAA and call them with status updates even though I specifically told everyone to only notify my husband.
I had to have a second surgery about a month after the tumor resection, and neither parent came while I was in that surgery.
On my year tumor-versary, I wanted to take them and my DH to dinner to celebrate. This was a huge milestone for me and I really wanted to remember and reflect, and celebrate how lucky I am for the good things that were part of this situation for me. They told me I was being melodramatic and to get over myself.
I wanted to do the 5K with the Brain Tumor Association and my dad (who knew I was participating, and who I was talking to at the time), didn't come. I was devastated.
So now that I'm not talking to him he decides to donate? And he decides that it might be a big freaking event and deal to me? I realize other people are probably sick of my reflections and whatnot. But aren't parents supposed to be there for you and support you, and listen to you drone on and on?
Ok - sorry. Thanks for reading.
74 books read in 2011
Re: Don't know how to feel (re: estranged parent)
If my parents weren't supportive of me while I was having brain tumor surgery and related stuff I would not celebrate with them when it was better.
I've had health issues my whole life and my parents have been with me every step of the way! Even now that I'm an adult and live with my H in a different city than them. And even though my dad feels very uncomfortable in hospitals.
So I say you're parents suck and you should only inform and include those that are supportive and there for you in your health issues.
And I think you should report the relative who violated HIPPA. It's against the law and there should be consequences.
Hugs!
Are you in counseling? I have been estranged from my mom for a year & 1/2, with a 4 month break, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through it without my wonderful therapist & husband.
I'm guessing that your dad thought this 'gesture' would be enough to open the door without actually having to talk to you about anything. I know it's easier said than done, but I would just ignore it. If you try to confront him he'll act like he was so kind & you are being ungrateful. You know you are better off without them, so just continue on that path.
Congratulations on being tumor free & Happy New Year!
I would be thankful a donation was made to a cause I believe in and then try to forget about it. You certainly don't have to reconcile, and I don't think I'd let this small gesture sweep everything else under the rug.
I would also report the family member who made the calls, if you havent already.
Thanks ladies. I am in counseling. Initially it was because I was always crying about my brain nonsense and the lasting effects (which have all but subsided now), but my sessions now focus on my warped family dynamic and the estrangement.
I'm mad me did this, but I'm glad it's going to a good cause.
74 books read in 2011
I can't tell who is right. All I can tell is, you're miserable, and your parents don't seem to be.
I can see how, certain situations could have been misconstrued by you as a lack of support/uncaring remarks from your parents when they were only trying to help and you were being oversensitive; and I am all too aware of the cruelty some people are able to inflict, and the joy they seem to take in it, at times. If you really were hysterical and shrieking and screaming and crying the night before surgery, I can easily see someone telling you that you were overrreacting/out of control/whatever. I can easily picture a situation where your father would say, if you are shrieking and crying that you're afraid you'll die tomorrow on the table, that ok, don't have the surgery; and now you're using it as a club to say SEE?? Daddy didn't want me to have the surgery and I'd have DIED without it. I don't know which side is true; did he really not want you to have the surgery, for real, knowing you'd die without it? Did he really, after thoughtful consideration and consultation with the neurologists, say No! My Daughter shall not have the surgery! Or was he telling you, when you were in hysterics the night before surgery, that ok, you didn't have to have it, you could go home, if the only two options were dying tomorrow on the table vs dying later anyway. Was he pointing out that as an option, or was he hoping you'd go home and die? And if you refused to tell them anything about your surgery, I can see parents who love you wanting to use any method they can to find out how you are.
You sound like you were really traumatized by this illness, and did not handle it with all the grace and aplomb you might have; and your parents sound really angry and frustrated at being shut out. They also sound like regular, normal people with few coping mechanisms for crisis; as do you. Your continuing boiling anger at your parents for not being there for you, when you did not want them to get information about you at the hospital and are even thinking of turning in your relative who gave them information, tells me you have a great deal of anger with them that sounds more like misplaced anger at your entire situation of having gotten ill in the first place. Maybe I'm wrong; I've only read this post, and I'm sorry if anything I am saying is causing you additional pain; I don't mean to.
I strongly recommend therapy for you. You are clearly very unhappy about this; and cutting off your parents is a huge step for anyone to take, and should be done with as much objective, outside support and guidance as you can muster around you. If you seriously believe they do not love you; do not have your best interests at heart; that their presence in your life would cause you continuing harm; that their behavior around your surgeries can have no other explanation than they wanted you to feel worse than you already did, well, sounds like shutting them off is a good thing. If these were frightened, imperfect people whose daughter was terrifyingly ill and they didn't handle it as well as you would have hoped, well, maybe there is room for improvement and getting off the dead center dramatics and into some counselling might be a good thing. Either way, you need some help sorting through this and if I were you I'd get some soon. Life is short, as you are more than aware; and if you're going to work through this and have some peace about your decisions, whatever they are, time's a wastin', as my dear mother would have said.
Edit: we cross posted, I see that you are in counselling. Good for you; hang in there.
If my parents weren't supportive of me while I was having brain tumor surgery and related stuff I would not celebrate with them when it was better.
So I say you're parents suck and you should only inform and include those that are supportive and there for you in your health issues.
And I think you should report the relative who violated HIPPA. It's against the law and there should be consequences.
You have already said this yourself I think, but it is okay to be upset that your dad made the donation but still be glad the $ goes to a good cause. Maybe he wants to try to open the doors of communication and this is the only way he knows. The important thing is it is so wonderful that you are now tumor free. I don't even think you were melodramatic. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but last year before having ankle surgery I was in hysterics. I knew things would be okay. Any surgery is scary much less BRAIN surgery. I have had some issues with my parents. I have been through a lot medically,though, and they have been there for me. (or at least tried)
In answer to your question- yes- people, especially parents are supposed to support you and listen to you and let you go on and on. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. May 2011 be a wonderful year for you!
sue_sue, you're partially right. This has affected me longer than maybe it should have. But my parents have not been good parents outside of this. I don't want to go into it, but I've been emotionally and physically abused my entire life by them. So cutting them off has been a good thing for me. My mom is a narcissist and my dad is extremely violent. He told me not to have the surgery the night I told them I was having surgery, not the night I was crying. The night I was crying my mom told me I caused it myself -- because I have a bad attitude and I deserved it.
Therapy has helped me cope with losing my family (excepting one sibling). I have coped with my brain issues except when it comes to my parents' reaction to it. I think that was one time in my life they could have come to my aid, instead of rejecting me.
(I begged my mom to keep me company one evening after my surgery since DH had to work late. I had major cabin fever and was lonely. She said no, she had to make my 18YO sister's lunch for school the next day.)
I just take my dad's gift as a slap in the face, like he's some hero for donating or something. I'd rather he give me some emotional support at ANY point in my life rather than some phony donation.
74 books read in 2011
AH. This all makes a great deal of sense. You didn't sound like a lunatic; and I'm sorry to have said anything hurtful in my speculations back and forth. I have lived with violent and abusive parents, and it is so difficult to separate the feelings of love/need and the feelings of betrayal and pain; I'm sorry. At age 20, I was in hell over it; at age 30, I was finishing 5 years of therapy adn support groups; at 37 I lost my last parent, after having peace with him for 7 years (not a relationship; but peace); and at fifty I have a really happy life that couldn't have happened without that counselling and support group work, so keep going; it's so good for you!
I'm glad you're in counselling. I guess the single biggest issue would be, to my mind, is that you kept looking to them for support when they are clearly not capable of providing it. What they SHOULD be is clearly not what they are; a lot of my pain in dealing with my parents was that I kept waiting for them to wake up and be what it was they were supposed to be; kept knocking at that door so they could slam it in my face again, and I'd be all upset again. That dissonance was difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that I did love them; and in whatever sick, twisted way, they 'loved' me too, however they saw love.
I read a really good book in my therapy over this, called "Necessary Losses", by Judith Viorst. If you can find a copy, I strongly recommend it; it was useful to me in coming to terms with the reality of my parents behavior vs what it was I needed them to be, and what childhood losses and abuse can mean and how to live a whole life despite that, without pain. It was hard to accept that there was no going back; no way for me to get what I needed when I needed it; that with all the magic in the world, no amount of good parenting today was going to give me good parenting yesterday, last year, last decade, etc. They did what they did; you suffered how you did; and if they woke up tomorrow being the most supportive, loving, kind parents in the world you'd still be damaged, and they'd still have done it to you; and you'd still have that reality to deal with.
I suppose you can look at the brain tumor as a gift [such as it is, snort], in a way, in that it hurried along the process for you in separating from these people. Abused people tend to cling to their abusers, until something so heinous happens that even THEY see it; and what happened surrounding your brain tumor diagnosis and treatment was pretty heinous. Even YOU see it. Even you can't forgive, can't let it go, can't say "well, it's understandable/forgettable/not as bad as some things they've done" or whatever mechanism you used that let you keep your parents in your life up to the time of the brain tumor despite the horrible things they did to you and continued to do to you, so you could keep.on.trying. with them. Abused wives often say it's when the abusing husband strikes their child, that they wake up and decide to leave; maybe for you, it's the fact of their coldness during your illness that made you wake up and say no, no more of this nonsense. You could be glad [jesus, I cannot believe I even wrote that] that the tumor came along in that it saved you from twenty more years of this back and forth and back and forth abuse/neglect/savage unkindness/coldness etc with these people. Just looking for the sunny side here; we abuse victims are masters at that game. lol
So your dad made a donation in your name. Lovely. I cannot imagine that this will increase the number of cards, letters, requests for donations you already receive from brain tumor related charities, and his money will do some good wherever it got to, so no harm, no foul. If writing a check is the best he can do, it's the best he can do. I can't imagine you get many painless gestures from either of your parents; but I wouldn't invite any more contact, either, and I would not acknowledge the donation in any way.
Your parents sounds like grade-A assholes, but you can't lay this one on them. Unless you omitted the part where your father held a gun to their head, your relative chose to violate HIPAA and should have been reported.
I just want to say I don't mean to say defensive in my responses, and I realize I did.
And that I'm asking if I'm being too sensitive, then when someone gently suggests I might be, it could sound like I'm lashing out. I do truly appreciate the insight. I know I'm not thinking objectively at this point.
I will check out the aforementioned book suggestion.
I'm so sorry to read that so many people here have strained relationships with parents and other loved ones. It really does break my heart.
I do know now that my brain drama was a good thing. It has changed my outlook on life. Now that I'm practically back to a normal person, I can see the good it has brought. I appreciate my DH more than I ever dreamed I would. I really didn't know what real love was until I saw how he was there for me. It taught me so much and I am kind of lucky it happened! And sue_sue, you're totally right that this was my breaking point. Though it wasn't what caused me to break from my parents, their behavior did shine a lot of light and did influence my ultimate decision to break ties.
Truly thank you everyone.
74 books read in 2011
You did not sound defensive, and again, I'm sorry to have caused any pain. You sound very strong, and like someone who is not interested in getting clubbed over the head again, which is pretty healthy. I'd be ticked about the donation; and I'd invite no discussion with daddykins over it. He made a donation. Great.
It was hard for me to learn that I didn't have to respond to every attempt to contact me.
I'm so sorry.
It sounds like your parents have some serious issues. Have you read the book "Toxic Parents"? It really helped me to identify behaviors and really get that the way my parents are towards me isn't normal. It's not my fault they are like that. Anyway, check it out. I don't have any advice other than yes, your parents are being freaks. And your dad's donation and getting your sister to give it to you just seems manipulative and narcissistic.
Ugh.
I do feel he did it just to manipulate me and my emotions.
The receipt he gave me indicates he asked them to mail me a copy. I didn't get it yet (had sister ask me several times vaguely), so he brought it to me.
I get it. You did something nice. Now you want me to come crawling back crying about what a wonderful parent you are?
I also feel bad for my sister in this. She keeps getting put in the middle because she's the only one I talk to / who talks to me.
I'll also look into that book. Thank you ladies!
74 books read in 2011
One of the things that I found was that my reactions to my parents (and to a sister from whom I am estranged) are like anaphylactic allergic reactions. You're not just 'allergic' to these people; your reaction to them and their attacks is like anaphylactic reactions, like people so allergic to peanuts they'd die if they kissed someone who ate peanut butter today. And it's infuriating, of course. If you 'fought back' on this, your parents would say "What? I donated money to a cause you care about; I was just trying to be nice JEEEEZ see how she is???" and you'd feel like you look like the crazy one.
When in fact, you're not. You're just sick of getting shitt on; and that's reasonable; and you don't want to get hurt anymore; and your reaction to the donation is entirely understandable. I know exactly how people like your parents work.
That's a great analogy. Thanks for the reassurance -- the more they pull stunts like this (which seem innocent, but I can't help but think they're not!), the more confident I feel with my decision to detach.
I never loved my MIL, but she looks more and more like mother of the year lately. hah!
74 books read in 2011
Oh I know. And when you try to explain to people how it is they are, you sound paranoid; 'they're just trying to be nice' etc. noooooo they are not. And if they are, for once, they get no benefit of the doubt from me.
They really are sick, mean people who reproduced. And had years in which to be cruel to you; and now you're free, and you don't have to let it happen to you any.more. Which is also nice. Good luck staying free of them; and don't be harsh on yourself for your reactions or thoughts. It'll take you a while to not have that hand on a burning hot stove reaction to them and their actions; took me over a decade with my parents, and going on five years with the sister (I have six siblings, we're all close but this one).
Sometimes it is when people loose things, or fear that loss is irrevocable, that something clicks inside of them and they begin to really discipline themselves into behaving as they should have in the first place. If, for your benefit, we were to look at all possibilities, this certainly could be in the mix.
This does not mean that you are going to have a father who is the father/parent you hoped to have had. And I can tell that that hope really keeps springing in your heart - otherwise, after their lack of empathy and support, you would not have thought to invite them to celebrate your life a year later. I'm sorry that they let you down in the past, and I'm sorry they were inept at being there for you even after the big-scare had passed.
Neither does it mean that you have to have them back into your life. You've just celebrated a year you might not have had. There's no need to live it looking backwards and wishing the will of other people would be different.
Please take to heart what you said was the purpose of your anniversary. Remember and reflect on the blessings you have received. Those are not dependent upon your parents. You've been given a great gift in just yourself, and that deserves to be celebrated. Whether the estrangement continues or not, your family's ability to function well does not have the power to rob you if you can start to put into proper perspective your dreams of having parents who were different and what they are realistically.
Celebrate that this was a small glimmer in the muck that there is/was something alive inside of him for you, and leave it at that. Somewhere out there is going to be someone who is on the receiving end of that donation who wouldn't be as blessed without your having walked the path before them which, ultimately, brought forth the donation from your father. Think well about the help that you are attached to in that.