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MIL upset over christmas gifts
H & I recently bought a house and were looking at buying a new washer and dryer, and inlaws offered to buy them as a house warming gift, (MILs words) "since K's parents bought you a new vanity for the bathroom, we need to get you something better." This was fine and We thanked them and told them that they didnt have to get us anything for christmas since they bought us such a large house warming gift. Fast forward to Christmas. Christmas eve we were at my inlaws and everything went well, except for the guilt trips about us not spending Christmas day with them. (they dont get the concept that we spilt the holidays and need to spend time with my family too, since bil and his wife split up for the holidays so bil can be with his mom every holiday.) Christmas Day we spent with my family and my parents bought us one of those electric fire places that you can put the tv on top of for our living room since we have been using an old hand me down tv stand from my parents (which was perfectly fine for us). When we got home MIL called H and wanted to know how christmas was with my parents and if we could come over for desert since she didnt get to see us all day. H told her we would stop by on Sunday since that was what we had planned, but he and my dad were in the process of getting a path between our house and my parents so they could get our christmas present moved over. She asked what we had gotten, and H told her an electric fireplace for our living room that we could put the TV on, and she got really quiet and started crying. She was upset that she didnt get us a better gift than my parents, and she thought that since we told her that they didnt need to get us anything big, we told my parents the same thing (we did tell both parents not to get us too much for christmas since they bought such large house warming gifts) and that now she was going to go out and buy us something else. H told her no. We did not expect large gifts from either and she didnt have to spend more money on us. H and I talked about it since we are TTC and I asked what we are supose to do when we have kids and she wants to one up my parents or us. I think it is crazy that she got so upset and wanted to buy more. That isnt what the holidays are about. My parents told him to tell her not to worry about it, since they got a great deal becuase they bought one for both of their houses, my brothers and us.
Re: MIL upset over christmas gifts
Don't get caught in the trap that there is anything for you to do. Your MIL, despite her recent behavior, is an adult and as such needs to manage her emotions on her own. You cannot do it for her. So, if she wants to weep in despair that someone got you a better gift, then that is her choice. If she wants to constantly compete, then it's her choice again.
As you can see, it has driven her other son apart from his wife for the holidays. Don't try to "fix" what is not yours to change. It's up to HER. Only her.
Livingitup said it perfectly. The fact that she is upset creates no obligation in you to fix anything; she's behaving ridiculously, and everyone knows it, including her. "I'm sorry you feel that way; this isn't a contest" is perfectly fine to say when someone says something outrageously stupid like this.
And really; she's your dh's problem. Put him on the phone with her when she calls.
Don't get dragged into her game. She's being utterly ridiculous to cry over the thought of not getting you a "nicer gift." A washer and dryer is PLENTY generous of her. Don't try and appease her, or over-thank her, or make her feel better. She's throwing herself a pity party ... you have no reason to feel bad just because SHE is crazy and decides that she's going to make herself feel bad for no reason.
I would avoid all talk of gifts and your own parents around her, whenever possible. If she asks you what your parents got you, I would either ignore her or change the subject if you can. It's incredibly rude of her to be asking that in the first place. If you really must answer, just say, "They got us [x]," and change the subject. If she cries, ignore her. She wants an audience, so don't grant her one and maybe she'll knock it off.
As for her being a competing grandparent ... you can't help that. Again, don't make a big deal about gifts around her. The most you can do is to teach your own children to be grateful for whatever they receive, to be polite and not talk about presents when they're in public or around other family members, and to write nice thank you notes when they're old enough to the people who gave them things. Just teach them to be gracious and teach them that gifts should be a token of love, not a competition or a show of wealth or "who loves you more."
Ok, hold on a sec...first of all, where can I find parents & IL's like yours??
Fighting over who gets you & DH the biggest/most expensive gifts??? Wow. Really, there's not much that you & DH can do. You cannot control other's finances and what people spend and choose to buy you. You can just tell them repeatedly that even though their gifts are appreciated - they are not expected nor needed. THEN, whatever they choose to do, is on them - not the recipient.
IMO, although this may make you and/or DH feel awkward at times and a little guilty, what's the harm in this? So, they want to still provide for their children and show their affections through gift giving...hmm..sounds kind of nice if you ask me!
Just to give you a little perspective from the other side of the street...DH and I do not exchange with either of our families. Ever. There's a long backstory, but I will give you the shortened version. It doesn't matter how much thought, money or time is put into the gifts we give - they are never appreciated and moreso, put down. One Christmas I was actually in tears because MIL flat out called DH and I cheap for only spending x dollars and only get her this x item. So, there you have it. Just sit back, relax and let them spoil you two!
Good lord! She sounds like a spoiled teenager trying to compete with your parents all the time over gifts.
I agree with the PP that said not to discuss gifts with her and let your H talk to her from now on. I also like the above poster's point on letting them spoil you a li'l bit.
there's absolutely nothing you can do. stay out of it. if MIL starts to guilt trip you your DH needs to get on the phone with her and set her straight. end of story.
enjoy the fireplace! those things are cool
sorry she's kind of spoiled it for you though...
My parents aren't fighting to get us larger gifts. They actually feel sorry for MIL for acting this way. She doesnt understand why her son chose to live nextdoor to his IL's and enjoys spending more time over there than at his own parents house.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
All you can really do is talk to her, and not expect anything to really change (but be happy if it does). You need to express not just that you don't expect anything, but that you are hurt/insulted that she might think the size and $$ of the gift is important to you.
I have a family member in the family who is like this - very competitive and feels that *their* value/importance felt by other people is equated only with what they can "out do" in presents.
I think you should tell your MIL that in fact, you need a new car. Or a summer home in the Hamptons. Or perhaps a diamond necklace.
Okay, I'm kidding. Kinda.
Well, you probably need a new TV now, right?
hold up..........
your H's brother doesn't spend Christmas w/ his wife so he can be sure to spend it w/ his mother?
Sucker.
It's not that I believe a son shouldn't spend the holidays w/ his parents, it's just that the BIL and his wife should be spending the holidays together and it should be split as fairly as possible between the families. It's tough to do but it seems like MIL guilted one and fully expects to get her way w/ your H too.
That being said....stay out of the drama the best you can. You've spoken your peace about the gifts not being necessary, and she refuses to listen. Enjoy the gifts....I hope they can afford it and aren't just trying to "keep up".
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
missing my baby everyday
BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
Yes, it is strange that BIL and his wife split for the holidays. They do not have children and have done this for the past 9 years that H and I have been together. Heck BIL gave up spending thanksgiving in california because he couldnt be away from his mommy. My mom told me if we ever got the chance to go someplace warm for the holidays take it! They would understand and we could celebrate when we got back.
MIL has aways been like this since H and I have been together. Right before we got married, she tried to tell H I was a gold digger and was only after him for THEIR money. H told me this and we flat out told her that if it would make her feel better we would sign a prenump that what is his is his, and what is mine is mine. She didnt like that and demanded to know what I had that was so valuable. She didnt know my family and refused any of our invitations to spend the weekend at my parents place.
After reading other posts, I am thankful that my H doesnt automatically side with his family over things. It seems like alot of them do. Happy New Year all!