Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I don't want to deal with it....
So DH and I are traveling out to visit DH's family (sort of an alternate Christmas since my work schedule didn't allow us time to travel for the actual holiday). If I am being totally honest, I just don't want to go and deal with his family. For one thing we have had just a really difficult time of it lately with the death of a young cousin of mine, as well as a m/c of our own with our first PG, and both happened within a week of eachother (just as a side note, I don't ever look forward to seeing my IL's even when things are going well). Another reason being that DH's family just exhausts me in more ways than one. For example, I know that even though we told them we are not interested or comfortable in talking about our m/c, that it will inevitably be a regular subject among many of the family members (as will the death of my cousin). I know that they mean well, but they just tend to make everything about them, even other people's losses. They just go on and on and it is in no way helpful or comforting.
On top of all of that there are so many frustrating family dynamics. Both my SIL and BIL have lots of issues (mostly bad life decisions). Anytime we get together my MIL and FIL's attention is almost entirely focused on them and their issues in one way or another. So even though we are going out there to spend time with them, we really won't get any of their attention. (There are so many different details and aspects to this family, I really don't have the time or writing space to give any specifics. So please just trust me when I say the issues are numerous and consuming).
I know that the trip will still happen, but I am in no way looking forward to it. Just given everything that has happened lately, I don't have the physical or mental/emotional energy to deal with all of them. DH is somewhat aware of how I feel, but I don't want to say too much becuase I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Re: I don't want to deal with it....
W/ the issue of your m/c (which I'm sorry to hear about), you have a say in this. And get your DH on the same page. They bring it up? You all firmly say "this isn't something we're interested in discussing." and change the topic. They still insist? Then you get up and leave - go to your room/hotel/ wherever. BOTH of you.
And in the future, I'd be more picky about what I tell them. why do they even need to know? THey don't. In the future, if there is a sensitive issue that you'd rather not talk to them about? Then don't even tell them in the firstplace.
Your DH NEEDS to be w/ you on this. A m/c is a very personal, sensitive issue. It's nothing no one "has" to be told about, and it's not something for them to make about them. If your DH backs on this, it will mitigate their talking about it to some dehgree.
Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
What I bolded is exactly our plan. As for them knowing about the m/c...we had already told them about the pg, so they were going to find out about the m/c and we didn't want to lie or give the wrong impression while we are out visiting. As for a future PG and when we will tell....we are planning on waiting much longer to share happy news (we'll only tell my work early on so that I can be safe at work).
The first issue I see is that you don't want to bring up something that is really upsetting to you because you don't want to hurt his feelings. The only way to find any peace/calm about this trip is to discuss it in advance with your H. Do that. Soon.
As for your ILs, yes to what ECB said. You have a right to say, "This is not up for discussion," and leave if that is not respected. As far as I'm concerned you should go ahead and thank your BIL and SIL - with all the attention on them, there shouldn't be much time to focus on your m/c.
Good luck with the trip.
Ditto ECB. If you know they are going to harp on subjects you don't want to discuss - don't tell them about those things in the first place. If you have shared information, then a simple, "This topic is not up for discussion" or leaving the room if that's not respected sends a clear message.
Really though it seems like you need to be more selective in what you tell them since you already know what they do with the information.
To answer several questions:
1. We are going because it was our year to spend Christmas with them. We had to do it after the holiday becuase I couldn't get off work. Additionally, we haven't been able to visit them at their home in quite sometime (at least a year). So not really an optional trip, especially in DH's mind.
2. As I have said before, we had already told them about the PG. We can't really NOT tell them. They have already been told that we don't want to discuss it (and we do have a plan in place to remind them if need be and walk away from the situation if the conversation continues, as stated in PP). However, already with a few phone calls we have had from them, they haven't stayed away from the subject as requested when we told them about the m/c. By the way, I think it's unreasonable to think that we wouldn't have told them, regardless of how we think they were going to react.
3. As for the BIL/SIL issue, it won't keep them from talking about the m/c. It will just be mixed in with all of the other crap that our IL's dump at our feet.
First, I'm sorry about your m/c.
I'm not understanding the whole, "be more selective about what you tell them" from pp's. You had your first pregnancy, I'm sure were overjoyed, and spread the happy news. All totally normal. Once you had a m/c it's not like you can hide that news from them, ya know? You can't just show up without a baby bump and not explain anything. Obviously next time wait until 12 weeks to tell anybody whom you wouldn't be comfortable knowing about a miscarriage, but do not beat yourself up over them knowing. Tell them you will not talk about it then leave if they bring it up again.
This cousin that passed away, was it your cousin or your dh's cousin? If it was his cousin then they are of course free to discuss it. If it was your cousin repeat the same thing as with the m/c.
Good luck.
My cousin, not DH's.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope your DH is prepared to back you up and tell them the subject of the m/c has been covered and will no longer be discussed. Tell them flat out if is a painful subject and you don't want to to talk about it further. Leave the room is necessary. Regarding your cousin you can tell them it is too soon and you are still grieving. Leave the room if necessary.
When they discuss the others just pretend to listen. You don't have to even to pretend to care though.