So my H is the second oldest out of his siblings. We had been dating for 4 yrs before we got engaged. His older brother had been dating his gf for a yr at that point. My BIL is 3 yrs older than my H and our FSIL is 10 months younger than me and my husband. Once we got engaged his gf at the time started talking to me about how she was ready to get engaged and that they had talked about it but both agreed to wait to get engaged until after our wedding. We had an engagement length of 14 months. The gf started talking more and more about wanting to get engaged and at one point she told me she was afraid he would never propose and she would just keep waiting like with her past boyfriend. Supposedly he told her he had a ring but never proposed. This told me that all she was really looking for was a ring.
So finally 4 months before our wedding, my BIL and the gf went to Alaska for a business trip. My H got a text from his brother saying that they had gotten engaged, my H called his mother and asked if she knew this was going to happen and she said her son had called her 2 hours before he proposed. We were happy for them and we congratulated them.
The week after they got engaged I went to lunch with my FSIL and found out that my H's younger brother was going to be a groomsmen and not my H, and that their two younger sisters were also not in the wedding party. They had their guest list and many other details planned. They ended up booking the same church as me and my H and ended with the same day of the month as us. She bought her dress less than a month after engaged and the bridesmaids dresses, when the wedding was over a year away.
So we will fast forward a couple of months. 2 months before our wedding we hosted a housewarming party for our new home. We invited my family, his family and our friends. When my BIL and FSIL arrived they passed out their save the dates to my H's family members. Their wedding was still a year away at this point. I was furious that they would do such a thing. We both felt that whenever we had something good going on to deal with us they had to one up us or make sure to remind people that they are also getting married. I had gotten so sick of seeing her status on facebook and was fed up with the crap they pulled that I defriended her so as to not deal with her anymore. That same night she realized I defriended her and she texted me asking why and there must have been a mistake or something. I did not reply bc I was still angry and didn't want to say something wrong.
3 days letter my H and I got an email from my BIL and FSIL screaming at us about the way we had been treating them, that we were selfish and selfcentered. She tore my H apart in this email by calling him the most selfcentered person in the world. They kept saying that wasn't it enough that we were getting married first, owned a home first and would probably have kids first, wasn't that enough, they kept asking. I felt like they felt they deserved all that stuff before we did even though we have now been together for 5 yrs and they have been together for 2 but I think its bc he is the oldest son. She wrote everything in capital letters and highlighted text in red and yellow colors. I was crying at work bc I was so upset and hurt by this email. My H and I wrote them an email response back but tried to take the more mature route with it.
Things have kind of gotten better between the four of us but she still really annoys me and there is just something about her that bothers me. Close to my wedding she would post statuses of facebook about her wedding, 5 minutes after I would say something. And now that our wedding has passed it is all about their wedding, which is fine bc we felt that way too. But she is claiming that this is their year like no one else is suppose to do anything to take away from their wedding. Their wedding is 9 months after ours and I had mention something to her about if we had a honeymoon baby it would be due around their wedding but we wanted to wait a little bit after the wedding and she said good bc then it wouldn't be so close to their wedding. My H and I are going to start TTC soon and I feel like if we do get pregnant before their wedding and announce it they will call us hypocrites and be angry that we are pregnant.
She wants to get together with me but I just can't stand her. I am sure I was being a little ridiculous when it came to our wedding and their engagement, but in the end there is something about her that I just don't like and just bothers me. She is def not someone I would normally hang out with but she is going to be my FSIL.
Has anyone had issues like this and how do they handle it? She is also wanting to start having kids right after they get married so there is a chance our children will be really close in age. I want our children to be close since they will be close in age so I want to be able to have a friendship with her but I don't know how to get past the way I feel about her. Any advice on how to handle someone like her? I feel like she is a person who thinks she has such a better life than everyone else and she wants everyone to know it. She also prefers to hang out with the younger cousins, like a 4 year old instead of hanging out with the adults. If couldn't tell already I really don't like her. I know I am being ridiculous and I need to let things go. I appreciate any advice.
Thanks.
angelgirl413284:
Re: Angiegirl -- ya dropped something....
Oh wow, I missed this the first time around.
OP - do you have siblings? You H does, and they're close to the same age which means things like college graduations, engagements, weddings, and (take a deep breath) babies are all going to happen at the same time. When you got married you got ONE day to be your wedding day. There is no rule that the entire year leading up is about you.
To answer your question, yes, I used to have major issues with my SIL (H's sister) and my MIL and though it didn't pertain to our weddings (six weeks apart) it did all come to blows during that time.
You have a choice here - you can either move past whatever happened (and even you admit that you were partially to blame) or you can choose to hold on to the past. It's totally up to you now. Personally, I chose to move on. Nothing good comes from holding on to all that anger, since nobody has done anything unforgivable here.
Wow. I see posts here all the time where people get angry others have weddings in the same month, but now this poster says no one can get married on the same day of the month. Yikes.
I don't even know what to say.
74 books read in 2011
Here's the thing about these boards: When you post something, you're almost always "looking" for some type of response. In this case, you were looking for somebody to tell you how to deal with your SIL.
My guess is you expected something along the lines of, "OMG she sounds awful. Just try to be nice in front of her, and keep her at a distance. WOW, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with anything THAT terrible." Or close to it. Which is fine, but not super realistic.
However, you don't get to pick how people reply to your posts. You just have to read what's posted, and follow the "advice" that you like and move on ignoring the rest. Deleting your posts, and responding with things like, "I don't deserve to be judged!" just confirm the suspicion that you're a beebee. Which, you kind of seem like. It also is going to make some posters come back and flame you even more, just to get you even more worked up.
It's nice that you recognize that you were wrong in how you handled the wedding/engagement issue. And no, posting EVERYTHING else that has gone on in the past won't help building your case around these parts.
Here's my advice: Decide, right now, if you want to have a relationship with your SIL or not. You're an adult, you get to choose.
If you decide you do, you have to make a decision to let go of everything that has happened in the past, and work on moving forward. As long as your SIL shares your desire to have a relationship, the two of you will get there. Start slow (cup of coffee, emails, phone calls) and build from there. You're not going to go from waring over wedding dates to weekend get-aways.
If you decide you don't, keep her at a distance. Don't over share information about your personal lives (to the extent possible) and be friendly but distant when you see her.
It's that simple.
Honestly, it sounds like almost everything you posted about was in your head. You think your FSIL is thinking this or that, but she hasn't really said anything to confirm you suspicions. The e-mail was mean, but it sounds like you were already giving her the cold shoulder before this happened and then unfriended her on facebook (you could have simply hidden or not read her posts). Perhaps the e-mail had some truth to it.
You created a lot of the problem here. If you want to move forward from this, I would put it all behind you. Your FSIL deserves an apology from you, but I doubt you are willing to do that.
Nobody's judging you. Lots of families have siblings or immediate family marrying in the same year and some even in the same month. It happens.
Nobody's going to take away your spotlight or hers.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Angiegirl, you need to relax. If you wanted to TTC, go ahead. No one should tell you when and how to have kids but your partner.
BUT with that said I think that you have been outrageous in the past. When you made the statement that although the couple was ready to be engaged, and was planning on getting married after you anyway, they were made to decide to wait, I cringed. To make matter worse your engagement period was 14 months. Although that is a normal time period for most engagements, most engagements don't make people put their lives on hold for the wedding couple. He had a ring, he wanted to propose, she was ready and willing to accept, but they waited for you.
Did you ever think that your time line (you four decided) to make them follow was too strict and lengthy? It sounds like she thought about it and fantasized about in a way that you were. The only difference is that she was restricted because he couldn't propose until your day (which feels like a decade to someone forcefully made to wait 14 months) had past.
So they jumped the gun a little. 10 months is still a very long time to wait when both parties are ready to jump. So they bought stuff earlier than you would have. So what if they handed save the dates earlier than most, and at your house. Do you think that you get the whole 14 months for it to be all about you? Be glad you got 10 months because believe me, if I was in your SIL's shoes I wouldn't have given you two days when me and H were ready to take the plunge but you didn't want your day to get ruined.
Also, maybe now they want their ten months. I mean, they put their plans on hold for so long for your happiness, I am sure that they hope you can do the same for them.
Let them have their time, and if you do TTC and get pregnant, be the bigger person and let them shine. It won't make your baby any less special or make anyone less excited about the new baby in the family.
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duplicate...
I think this is one of those life event competitions, and you need to decide whether or not you will be a willing participant. Yes, I know plenty of women who will make each and every event about them, whether it's s wedding, a baby, a promotion, a holiday gathering, whatever. Yes, it can be annoying, but there should be a limit to how bent you get over this kind of stuff.
Someone else said it and I agree, it's a wedding DAY. Not month, not year, not decade. Your life may be revolving around that white dress, but only yours. To expect anyone else to cater their life around yours is insane. Did she do some things with intent knowing it would irritate you? Yeah, sure. Probably. Most likely. Did you do the same, ever? Yeah, probably, most likely. Move along.